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The thing is -I look forward to the invitation of walking around the fair with them Saturday night. But the way I anticipate this playing out is after returning, assuming it's late, I'd be excusing myself to go home . .say at 10p.m. leaving the 3 of them at his home for the night. Where as, in the past we would just go to our separate bedrooms.

 

The message will be far from subtle. But I have to be willing to do it.

 

Yes, I would do that and tell him in advance how much you're looking forward to the fair and how you need to sleep at your place that night - you need a little break from the full house situation.

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Yes, I would do that and tell him in advance how much you're looking forward to the fair and how you need to sleep at your place that night - you need a little break from the full house situation.

 

sigh. . wish me luck.

 

T is very outspoken and with a couple drinks in him I can anticipate him calling me out as I am heading out the door.

I'll just say I have to tend to my cat.

 

S's discomfort will far be greater than mine. He can be pretty sensitive when it comes to people he cares about. That's what I am concerned about.

He'll be left to deal with it.

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sigh. . wish me luck.

T is very outspoken and with a couple drinks in him I can anticipate him calling me out as I am heading out the door.

I'll just say I have to tend to my cat.

 

S's discomfort will far be greater than mine. He can be pretty sensitive when it comes to people he cares about. That's what I am concerned about.

He'll be left to deal with it.

 

But if you tell him in advance it should be ok -can you take separate cars to the fair?

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But if you tell him in advance it should be ok -can you take separate cars to the fair?

 

I thought of the separate car idea. T being very thrifty will dispute it because we'd both have to pay for parking. :upset: I won't let that sway me and I'll tell his Dad to anticipate it.

 

As you can probably tell, T basically runs the show.

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I HAVE A GREAT IDEA

 

Go to the fair, then go home after and maybe S will tell them to eff off for the night...

 

 

…..and then go back over and knock on the door, and when he opens it, make sure you're wearing only a long cloak and NOTHING ELSE! or some pretty lingerie!! :D:D:D

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I HAVE A GREAT IDEA

 

Go to the fair, then go home after and maybe S will tell them to eff off for the night...

 

 

…..and then go back over and knock on the door, and when he opens it, make sure you're wearing only a long cloak and NOTHING ELSE! or some pretty lingerie!! :D:D:D

 

you crack me up :D

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Ugh. What an annoying situation.

 

Yah, I keep walking myself through what it would be like in that moment that I remove myself.

I can't help but think it will be a little too dramatic.

Ill do it, but I will forewarn S prior so he's not surprised.

 

I think this is your best option. I do see how removing yourself could look dramatic, but it's actually a normal reaction. It's the situation that is dramatic.

 

I think that you leaving like this could actually help your boyfriend deal with his son.

 

I picture it like this: You forewarn your boyfriend about what you are going to do. Emphasize that you guys are on the same page about everything, etc. He knows how you feel, and that you do not like the sleep-overs. He does not like them either. You don't have to suffer just because he chooses to suffer. I think he will understand.

 

When the end of the night arrives, pleasantly say goodnight to everyone and walk/drive/uber yourself home.

 

If T and/or his girlfriend ask you why you are leaving, tell them you just feel like it. If they ask S the same questions, his story should be the same as yours.

 

Repeat this scenario until T takes the hint or until S puts his foot down. I think S will ultimately put his foot down/dodge the boy when he feels the impact of your absence on his life. And you will be less annoyed.

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All this has helped me sort things out a bit. S's way has been to avoid his son, say we aren't home and make up excuses. It feels so negative.

 

I need to tell S that it's all so unnecessary and he's going about it backwards.

 

Ultimately it creates a situation where we don't get to enjoy their company or at least it starts to feel that way.. It can be easily (I think) resolved if he were to talk to his son about wanting and planning to spend time together, but to have some reasonable boundaries. It doesn't need to be a negative.

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. . I did just recall that when we were out of town last week, his son called him and I overheard S asking him exactly why T felt he needed to stay in his home and whatever it was he was doing he could be easily doing in his very own home.

 

So, there is a little piece of progress

I'm glad I remembered this.

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  • 3 weeks later...

S returns home today from having spent the last couple weeks with his parents. His mother had her 3rd surgery in the past 8 months.

 

It's summer and work is quiet. I've taken a couple days off and extended the weekends. I feel well rested, caught up with some things at home, like cleaning out my garage and my closets. I've had time for my friends, my sons and myself. It's been really nice.

 

I specifically noticed coming back to work this week how good I felt. I haven't felt this way in a while.

 

I am trying to sort things out in my head and with S returning and full weekend booked I feel a little anxiety building. I will ultimately end up going back to work next week exhausted, drained and frazzled. I have felt this way for so long, I didn't know any different. It's been my relative normal. But now having had all this time to myself, the difference is pretty glaring.

 

It may be a combination of a lot of things. Since my mothers death there has been a lot to take care of. Most, if not all of the loose ends were tied up two months ago. Though I still think of her all the time, the grief isn't as acute.

I just feel more at peace with myself lately.

 

I know I tend to detach in someones absence. I know S senses this so he tries harder. My enthusiasm to see him doesn't match his and feel a little guilty about that. I am almost not looking forward to seeing him tonight.

 

I can't help but wonder when I do see him, if I'll feel differently. By the time I get home I have less than two hours that I need to be to sleep for the following day. 2 hours feels like 10 minutes when you have company.

 

I have never been comfortable getting S to bed on my time schedule. He watches tv in bed while I try to fall asleep. I am rarely well rested when he stays over midweek. I'd rather only see him on weekends, but there are two people in this relationship so compromises are in order. One night of poor sleep can set me back for the rest of the week.

 

Anyway. . I am just whining.

I am also wondering if I am fit for a relationship sometimes.

 

While I was cleaning out closets he made a joke about making room for him to move in. Yah. . I didn't laugh. I just don't think I ever can do that, not with him. Not with anybody. I've just been on my own way too long.

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You are being brutally honest with yourself. That means a great deal. It's all ok, all of this. It's who you are and I think you should accept that. Honestly if you need sleep for work and he still wants to stay over maybe sleep separately? I know kind of defeats the purpose but sleep is so important!

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We spent the weekend together and reconnected. He had a 3 day softball tournament an hour away, so he booked a room so we didn't have to drive back and forth.

 

At the two year mark there are those little annoyances. I caught myself over focused on them. I know I have a tendency to sabotage. I just don't trust myself enough sometimes to know the difference.

 

He yawns loudly in my ear, he repeats himself. He can't remember dates, times and schedules and we often have scheduling conflicts. Minor stuff like this. He laughs all the time. Even when it's inappropriate. He's `that guy' Too damn happy at times. And yes, it gets on my nerves but I've had the alternative so I'll take that guy any day.

 

Two years today. Our first meet and greet.

 

Tuesday night farmers market. It was really crowded. I didn't have good handle on what he looked like. His profile had one main photo. He had text me a couple more after we spoke on the phone. I had no idea what to expect and learned along the way to lower my expectations. Sometimes I was surprised.

 

Weaving through the crowd was this handsome man with a smile that can light up the room. He pranced over with this playful enthusiasm and hugged me, telling me I was prettier in person.

 

Two years later, the one thing that lifts me up, as much as it exhausts me is. . his playful enthusiasm. He's one of the biggest clowns I know. And yes, spending that much time with a clown can be exhausting at times.

 

We've only had one real argument. Camping in a 30 foot trailer for 10 days. He tends to shadow me in everything I do. I put something somewhere, he'll move it. I was staring at the microwave looking for the clock feature and he begins to teach me how to use a microwave. Mind you, he doesn't own a one. He's just a little OCD about things at times and I kinda lost it on him feeling like he second guessed everything I did.

 

He's a little like his mother and he knows it. My code word for him when he does the OCD thing, is barking `SANDRA!!' (his mom's name) He gets nervous, laughs and stops himself. (his mom drives him nuts, so he gets it)

 

Can't believe it's been two years. . . That's us at my sons wedding. .with me laughing at his antics

 

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this one was on our 10day road trip.

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So very happy for you, reinvent.

 

I really admire how you're able to celebrate the full spectrum of connection, including the places where it rubs a bit, be it the personhood of someone else doing the rubbing or some sharp edge in ourselves that a connection to another can bring to the surface.

 

Though I "know" you a bit, from this forum, I wouldn't need to know a thing to know the two people in those photos are in love and very much themselves, alongside each other.

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So very happy for you, reinvent.

 

I really admire how you're able to celebrate the full spectrum of connection, including the places where it rubs a bit, be it the personhood of someone else doing the rubbing or some sharp edge in ourselves that a connection to another can bring to the surface.

 

Though I "know" you a bit, from this forum, I wouldn't need to know a thing to know the two people in those photos are in love and very much themselves, alongside each other.

 

Thanks Blue :)

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Maybe you need a "recharge" weekend or week more often than you're getting now. Having those few weeks to yourself was great for you, and it sounds like maybe you need them more often. Can you take the time to yourself, maybe once a month? Have a whole weekend alone, or a week to yourself (going home after work, or meeting up with friends, Monday to Friday)?

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Maybe you need a "recharge" weekend or week more often than you're getting now. Having those few weeks to yourself was great for you, and it sounds like maybe you need them more often. Can you take the time to yourself, maybe once a month? Have a whole weekend alone, or a week to yourself (going home after work, or meeting up with friends, Monday to Friday)?

I do have a girls trip coming up in two weeks. Just the last couple months and through the middle of October are so hectic. I have a couple other commitments where I need to take days off, but I literally feel like I am running from one commitment to another. I have used more time off this year than typical. That combined with S being with his parents and trying to make the most of the time we do have together, I just need some `me' time and I can't seem to find it.

 

Honestly, a vacation alone sounds like heaven right about now. I just don't know where to fit it in.

 

I had a bf years ago who was pretty needy. I used to take days off of work and not tell him, just so I could have a minute alone.

 

A friend just offered me free concert tickets for tonight and I turned them down. I don't have anything going on, I just want a moment where I do - nothing. I just so happen to be doing nothing with S tonight, so it will have to do.

 

For years I've struggled with balancing everything. I just can't seem to get it right, I guess.

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moved from another folder -

 

I had vivid vision of you yesterday, picking up Coco who loved you so much. How cute you two were together and how much joy she gave you. I've stopped contacting Jan for updates on Coco. It's just way too hard. I hope you aren't mad. I know you wanted to take her with you. She'll be there someday. She just deserved a second chance. I'm sure you miss her as much as she misses you. I'm so sorry.

 

Jim and I aren't speaking. Not entirely sure why. He stood me up for the carpet install, but honestly he didn't need to be there. I just asked him if he planned on coming and he said yes. I had called a couple other realtors to meet up with based on his response. He didn't show. He didn't even let me know. I know he was working on that dune buggy, in a hurry to get it ready for a rally. I'll assume that's what kept him. But sheeeees. He could have just said that. So, as of now it's 3 mo's of silence.

 

That and some things he did behind the scenes with the money that impacted me. I can only assume he didn't think I would find out. You wouldn't be very happy and as much as you wanted nothing more than the two of us to be close, we tried. We are just way too different and I still am reminded of a brother I couldn't really ever count on. Why should that change now that you're gone?

 

I barely survived the holidays shortly after you left last year. I have such anxiety anticipating them this year. Add in that J will have to see his inlaws and A will likely have to work, S will be with his parents. . and I stay home and cook for Jim's family? I just can't.

 

J and I came up with the idea to get a bunch of us together and go to Cabo for Christmas! We've already booked our flights. Perfect. Well, we are back on Christmas, but this will be our celebration and for the rest, I am putting a pillow over my head and pretending that's it's not happening. Not without you. And not without Dad. It's just not the same.

 

Outside of the boys. . who have their own lives, I do really feel like an orphan. It's so weird, in an instant everything changed.

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