Another online daing journal

Missed you Faraday, my wise little friend. I hope you'll update us on what's going on in your world.

Not judging, but an honest question....why continue to date him when you know you don't want to get attached...when he has red flags...like...why? That's enough reason to walk away. It's hard to not get attached and to not like someone that you spend time with...so if you can see that it will probably end in disaster...why not end it and look for someone without red flags?

I take your advise seriously. You've seen me make bad choices and try to make them work anyway.

I am torn between whether I am noticing potential (and very likely) red flags or just looking for things out of fear. Seeing I've missed the signs before or flat out ignored them, I am also capable of looking for them where they don't exist at times.

Either way, if my concern that I'll get attached to someone who could very well be unavailable, that's not likely going to happen. I am slow to attach, especially as time goes on. I will continue to weigh the pros and cons because after all it's still very early and he neither one of us is in a rush to get any where. I am not entirely sure my assessment is right any way. Time will tell.

I had a nice date on Friday. Very sweet, he had flowers when he picked me up. I spent Saturday with my friends and went on bike ride with SL and after he cooked me dinner. I was pretty tired and almost 100% from whatever my little flu bug is and at times I can be especially quiet. The conversation seemed a little strained and I can tell I was holding back some. Can't quite put my finger on it.

He's back at the river as of today for a few days so I get an opportunity to step back and reevaluate again.

Here we go. . .

Since SL and I first met he has contacted me consistently. He was away at the river hunting last week and I got a daily texts here and there and pictures.

Our date was awkward yesterday. I was not at my best and tired. There were some awkward silences.

He's back at the river and it's after 4 o'clock and he hasn't reached out once today.

Oh well. . I am not sure he's relationship material anyway.

I am not even sure I want a relationship . . I guess I ought to figure out what I want before pursue any of this again.

Just when I think I know everything, SL is contacting me.

Funny as I sit and wonder what it is he's looking for. Should I ask him? Then I laugh. When the same answer might be turned on me, my response at this moment would be `I don't know' So until I know better I will reserve my questions.

I had a chat with the high school sweetheart on the phone last night. I was a little tired and not at my best and much more direct than I have been. He got the message. It guts me to disappoint him. I still have that teenager inside of me that has carried a lot of guilt for how things played out when we were younger. But in some ways I forgive myself. He was hard to handle and I didn't want to handle it any longer. And as far as today?. . I've been honest and transparent with him all along. I suppose he thought that seeing I was still engaging him, I might reconsider?

I can't be responsible for everyone's feelings if they aren't responsible for it themselves. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

I almost hated that he was so thoughtful and mature about it. He was obviously disappointed but handled it in such a way that it makes me sad. Sad that I couldn't feel a certain way for this man who handles himself the way he does. My respect for him goes up even further.

He's a good man. I just wish things were different. I don't know if he'll continue to talk to me. I would very much like to have him in my life. But for now, I'll give him some space.

He had to indirectly remind me of our differences when he said it would be helpful if I prayed for the answers I was looking for. I try not to get irked because I've had the answers all along. He just wasn't listening.

I'm in a weird mood. It dawned on me when I was updating my voicemail at work. Sept 12th

My Dad passed away 11 years ago today.

My (ex) husband moved out 17 years ago today.

One of my biggest unrequited loves. . (on again and off again). . birthday is today

And it's been exactly 5 months today since I last communicated with SS.

I think I'll just go straight home and go to bed.

I just read this. . loved it.

Much like I had thought, the high school sweet heart won't speak to me. I sent him a short email saying I would give him some space

but that I was still available if he wanted to talk. Silence.

That's all I can do. But I feel sad. I feel sad for him.

SL is driving coming home today and I have agreed to meet him for dinner.

My anxiety starts to climb.

I have eczema. Other than an occasional super dry day and a moment of an itch, it hasn't bothered me for several years. Since June my hands are a mess. I have my annual check up next week and I am hoping to get a prescription. There is no reason for the eczema other than stress? I'll thank my best friend for pointing out that it started just about the same time I started communicating with the high school sweet heart. It waxes and wanes every day and bothered me while on my dates with SL last weekend.

I may be allergic to men? Go figure

I am in a quandary.

SL is attentive, contacts me consistently, seems very keen, we have chemistry, fun. He's very generous, has told his friends and Mom about me.

He has potential. We might have potential.

Yet after 6 dates he still kisses me like his sister and after a short break is still logging on the dating website.

It's all good. I am not invested but I am also not into sport dating and free meals. It's just a lot of work.

He asked me out for tomorrow and I just want to cancel. As much as I am not sure what I want, I do know what I don't want.

I'd rather be with my friends then giving my time to someone who still is chasing shiny objects.

After some consideration I will keep my date but ask him what it is he's looking to get out of OLD.

I hate that I am in this position. I don't like to be the one that asks.

But I don't want to give up anymore of my time. I don't have a lot of free time and there things I'd rather do.

After some consideration I will keep my date but ask him what it is he's looking to get out of OLD.

I hate that I am in this position. I don't like to be the one that asks.

But I don't want to give up anymore of my time. I don't have a lot of free time and there things I'd rather do.

You might as well ask. You kind of know each other at this point; it's not like it's your first date.* Time is precious.

_____________

*and I know a lot of people freak out over things like this, but when I did online dating you bet I asked what people were looking for out of OLD even before the first date. I'm very protective of my time and like to spend it well.

I generally ask what they're looking for if I see potential to get serious and it's been a few dates. I don't see the big deal in asking, it's all just part of the normal conversation. I asked J on the 4th date

I generally ask what they're looking for if I see potential to get serious and it's been a few dates. I don't see the big deal in asking, it's all just part of the normal conversation. I asked J on the 4th date

 

I am ok asking. I just wished I had did it in the beginning and not now.

The day of our date was hectic. I had the day off w 2 doctor appts and trying to get both son's together for the youngest son's birthday dinner. Turns out Tues was the best day for the both of them.

I took into consideration that SL logged onto his dating profile after dropping me off after a perfectly great date and kissing me good night like his sister, I impulsively text him and cancelled our date.

In that moment I felt like I was prioritizing a date w a man who by all (Or most) signs wasn't going anywhere, when I should be w my boys.

I apologized for the short notice and mentioned I didn't think we were looking for the same things.

Within an hour he called.

He said he liked me and wasn't interested in dating anyone else.

He said I was hard to read and he was a little intimidated and thought I wasn't looking for anything serious. Fair enough.

I shared w him I thought that might be the case because I've been told Im hard to read more than once, but I made a conscious effort to give him signs and was playfully affectionate on our last date. After some thought he did agree.

All in all we were crossing signals.

I agreed to see him last night and we had take out at his house and went for a walk. The mood was light and more intimately connected.

We both agreed we were glad we talked.

I still didn't get a proper kiss from him but just little pecks here and there. I'm ok with that now. There's no rush.

He left for a softball tournament and won't be back til Tues.

He's text me a couple times this morning and he hasn't logged on since our talk.

I spent the day with the ex B on Saturday. A nice motorcycle ride through foothills and lunch with old friends.

We had a chance to talk and agreed we'd be good friends and being in a relationship together didn't bring out the best in each other.

We are super compatible in other areas. . just not romantically.

Honestly, he's can be a real SOB if you get too close.

He recently got dumped by his gf of 1 1/2 years.

I have learned long ago that if you keep quiet, stay interested and empathetic people will continue to talk.

I almost spit out my coffee when I heard him say the exact things I might have said about my relationship with him. Poor guy seemed a little pathetic. Though she won't speak with him and tells him to get therapy, none of it's his fault. I remained quiet knowing that any reaction out of me would cause him to stop sharing.

He went on "If she'd only listen to reason, everything would be ok' That and it must be her hormones.

Good thing I was wearing sunglasses.

There was a time I would get seriously upset when I was on the other side with him and he would say nutty things to me.

But now on the outside, it was pretty comical to listen to.

Scratching my head. . I can't believe I used to love this guy. He does have some good qualities. Just don't date him!

SL has been out of town and returns today. I will see him tonight and he's asked to see me on Saturday too. He was pretty cute last night on

the phone saying he couldn't stop thinking about me. We'll see. I am not sure what I am up for but if he knocks my socks off I might just move forward. I find him really attractive and the chemistry is building. I am just weary that I have the capacity to sabotage it somehow. Either way it will be ok.

I still have yet to have a proper kiss from SL. I brought it up once and I don't want to bring it up again. We are spending the day at the airshow tomorrow and bbqing after. I might have to tell him that it still confuses me somewhat. I've been trying to not interpret the meaning behind it, but it's just getting weird.

His level of communication would that of a boyfriend. Good morning, good night and things in between. There is flirting and terms of endearment on both sides.

But. . no romance. I don't expect much and I honestly don't want much but not even a romantic kiss is down right confusing. It's also odd seeing I brought up the fact 3 dates ago and nothing has changed.

I also find myself a little concerned. Especially in light of my poor choices in men and my recent time visiting with 2 ex's. Throw in my experience with M and SS.

I hate to throw it around so easily and I get bugged when I see people do so, but these guys had issues! I mean some deal breaker emotional stuff. Granted I am far from perfect, but I keep sizing SL up wondering what his sh* is. I just can afford another round of someone exercising their demons on me. I seem to not trust that they won't.

Great date yesterday. We spent the day at the airshow at the beach. Luckily SL lives within walking distance. It was twice as crowded as compared to last year, but what an amazing show.

SL is a phenomenal cook and loves to cook Thai food. We went back to his house and he fed me a feast. I feel very spoiled.

I finally got a kiss! ... and then some After dinner he had asked me if I would stay the night. Mind you we hadn't kissed more than a peck at this point. It was just something I hadn't experienced before.

It's hard to gauge all the physical aspects of attraction if you haven't even had one good make out session. When he asked me, I just told him to serve up desert and we could talk. He looked a little nervous and perplexed.

I basically told him I suck at casual sex and staying the night with someone is something I typically do when I am on the same page as other person. I encouraged him to continue dating if that's where he was at

and we could continue to see each other until we know otherwise. He enthusiastically responded that he wasn't dating anyone else and didn't want to and that he hadn't felt this way about someone in a long time.

I ended up leaving at 1 am. I just couldn't sleep. He was sweet about it and called me this morning.

I'll get some errands done this morning and head back over to his house midafternoon to watch football.

I hope I've got a good read on this one. I am trying my best to be smart about this. We've dated for 2 months now before moving to another level. He is very open, honest and available.

But I've been fooled before.

Oh. .and I did tease him that I finally got a proper kiss from him. . geeez. It was worth waiting for.

Sounds (cautiously) promising! I'm rooting for you, Reinvent.

Sounds (cautiously) promising! I'm rooting for you, Reinvent.

Thanks C

My mind is all over the place so I will just jump in and start rambling.

The high school sweetheart. . . I naively thought maturity would have changed him but sadly he's still not really balanced. It really kinda breaks my heart some.

I tried my best to handle the situation even when I saw signs that things were going to go sideways. Years of guilt kept me

from squashing it because I didn't want to hurt him again. Surely we are bigger than that at this time in our lives.

He pushed, ignored boundaries, love bombed, guilt bombed, you name it he did it as I slowly tried to back away thinking maybe

he wouldn't notice.

I was gentle, I was firm and he'd leave just to return. About 10 days I ago I was very direct. I also ending it with saying `I refuse

to feel guilty for someone who won't take responsibility for themselves based on the clear information given them' He just wouldn't listen.

Things settle down for a couple days and he returns. We talk on the phone and I ask for some space. 2 days later he is full panic mode blowing up my phone for the entire day while I am trying to work. . promising to wait or begging me to 'fix things' "Fix what?" I ask. He was so worked up it was a little alarming.

This was six days ago. Later that night I emailed him saying some space was in order that maybe someday when things settle down we could be friends, just not now - 6 days ago today.

First thing he did on FB was start collecting friends. Why do guys do this? I've seen it a few times. When they feel scorned they rally the troops. Next he blocks his friend list. I am silent trying to not make this about me. . after all why would it be? right?!

Last night . . day 5 of quiet, I crawl into bed and look at FB and the first thing that pops up is G declaring himself officially in a relationship.

What?? It's not with me. That's for sure.

Tired of nonsense, I unfriend and block him.

He texts me this morning saying he's confused and I responded before blocking him. "6 days ago you were blowing up my phone declaring your undying love and now you are in an official relationship?" . . block. . block . .delete.

Feeling rattled and wishing I never opened that door. At the same time sad. . sad for him and how things turned out.

Seriously. . feeling down.

My oldest son was at the concert in Vegas and came home before the end of the concert. My youngest was supposed to go with him but didn't. He was up all night texting and calling and all his friends are accounted for. A little too close to home for this mom.

My challenging employee pushed me to almost a breaking point today. I need to wait till Monday to talk to someone in HR.

On a good note, I saw SL last night. But all in all, I just feel raw. Too much drama along with trying to push myself to vulnerable once again in my lifetime for the sake of relationship I am not entirely convinced I want. But I like him.

I feel a little nutty myself.

SL took me out to really nice dinner on Friday and I stayed the night. He invited me to his baseball game in the morning but I declined. I needed to get home and get some things done.

Later in the afternoon I am back at his house, he cooks me a great dinner and joined his son and son's girlfriend at some motorcycle speedway race. Not really my thing but I guess he's been going for 20 some years.

It was still fun. His son is adorable. He and his girlfriend had been drinking prior so they were a little happy and pretty entertaining. I stayed the night again and we got up early, went for a walk on the beach and he cooked me breakfast after.

He suggested I stay and watch football but it was just alot of togetherness for this budding relationship. I was home by noon and spent the rest of day running errands and visited with my mother.

I find myself swinging back and forth. Trying to be open while with him and then trying to shut it all down when I am not.

I can tell I am busy trying to protect myself from any disappointment and if this fell apart tomorrow, I'll be ok. At some point I am not going to be able to do this and need to commit to being all in. It's just too soon.

SL says he's the happiest he's been in a long time and seems very much caught off guard by his feelings. He's being very sweet and vulnerable. Now if only I can be.

He left his morning with friend to go to Las Vegas, where his parents live. He goes there just about monthly to visit and he and his friend play golf.

I won't see him until Thursday which is good. I think we both feel a little overwhelmed right about now so a little time apart feels right.

I just got a text from him telling me he misses me.

It's nice to be with someone I can be myself with. I was totally aware in my last relationship how sideways things were going with walking on eggshells, all the mistrust and navigating land minds. I don't think there is anything

I can't tell SL and vice versa. He's just comfortable in his own skin and very secure. It's a nice change.

I've had to give a blanket apology for the times I've called him Shawn (ex) instead of Shane because it's just waaayyy too close and I am very likely to do it some more. He just laughed and hugged me.

Had it been the other way around Shawn would have ran away angry and upset and likely ended the relationship over it.

Whatever.

SL came home a day early and I saw him last night.

I struggle with feeling connected and I see a few things going on. It's pretty typical of me to disconnect in someone's absence and I haven't seen him since Sunday morning.

It's still very new and I am still in protective mode and not getting attached.

It's sad that I pretty much expect things to not work out and to be disappointed when I discover much later that we have some fatal incompatibility or even better, he has some deal breaker character disorder.

He is taking me to a mountain resort this weekend for one night. It's conveniently 90 mins away so it's an easy little get away. Add in it's October Fest!

I will work at being vulnerable because I catch myself somewhat surprised when he is and he is sharing his feelings and starting to open up. I don't seem to be up to speed with him. And it's not that he's over the top or inappropriate. He's catching feelings and I am still have mine firmly locked up.

I am being skeptical because everyone smells good in the beginning, right? We bring our A game to the table. I guess I still having quite forgiven myself for going forward with my last couple times at up to bat in spite of glaring red flags. Is it possible this guy doesn't have any?! I guess I don't know any different.

I think you started seeing him in August? If so, this is the time when everything seems awesome, even when it isn't. So, you're not wrong to be skeptical or reserved.

I've met SL 2 months ago.

It's been a slow burn and I've been doing a balancing act and now as the feelings start to take hold, my anxiety also goes up.

How many times have I been here, where this turns into a delicate time that things either take hold or fall apart? Turning that corner is just part of the process I suppose.

I keep reminding myself, if it falls apart tomorrow Ill be fine. But I can't seem to let go and relax.

I reread some of my first experiences with SS and how reluctant I was back then. But, with good reason. There were flags I was wrestling with and ignoring.

SL doesn't appear to have any. Is it that I don't trust myself to see them or is it my anxiety tricking to me?

If there is any thing I can scrape up with SL that I am on the look out for is, he has such a playful energy. He's youthful, handsome, chats to everyone and I get this fickle like sense about him that makes me nervous at times.

My gut (or my fear) tells me he's someone who can change his feelings on a dime. I think that's why I hold back, but he's proved me wrong by being consistent these entire two months

I trust that he can be serious when he needs to be. Yet, there hasn't been the need.

His demeanor may be playful and fickle but his lifestyle is that of someone who's been responsible and managed his life with integrity.

So, without any clear signs, only time will tell. In the meantime I am 'catching feelings'. (I see that term here often and it's fitting)

But now I've swung from confident to anxious and insecure. Uhg.

We had a nice weekend in the mountains. I had tagged myself there on FB and one of my past vendors that I hired for work responded that he was there too and suggested to meet up. I hadn't seen him in maybe 5 years.

I asked SL if he was ok with it and I can find myself still nervous and conditioned from my experiences with SS and how something as innocent as this would have created a firestorm of drama. If it was this time last year I wouldn't have

responded to the vendor and sure as heck would not have mentioned it to SS.

This test has gone back forth between us several times and I thanked SL for being `normal'

He shared with me this morning how he lent his best friends sister money and he and the sister chatted on the phone for over an hour last night catching up.

I like this. .this feels right. No mistrust, no walking on eggs and transparency.

I guess the insecurity is partly due to having the rug pulled out from beneath me twice with SS. I might be waiting for it to happen again.

SL goes hunting again this weekend so I will spend time with friends. That always helps me feel a little more secure and balanced.

In the meantime SS's profile is still up and active on the same site we met. SL is a handsome man but the most un-photogenic person ever! He's someone you need to see in person to appreciate.

His profile picture is a very bad selfie and honestly if I didn't know any better, I'd pass him by too.

I get some twisted satisfaction that he's still there almost 7 mos later looking for what he told me was `someone better suited' for him. Whatever. I'll never forget those words (obviously)

I put my profile up for less than a week and took it down only to find someone better suited for me in the first attempt.

So there!. .There's my petty, but satisfying little moment for the day.

So, in the midst of my insecure morning I receive this text:

The way you touch and squeeze and hug me, your cute giggle, the love you feel towards your sons, your beautiful smile, your intelligence. And most of all your willingness to eat everything I cook for you

So, in the midst of my insecure morning I receive this text:

 

The way you touch and squeeze and hug me, your cute giggle, the love you feel towards your sons, your beautiful smile, your intelligence. And most of all your willingness to eat everything I cook for you

 

Well, it sounds like HE's smitten! 😀

Well, it sounds like HE's smitten! Larkin

*waving hello*