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I agree. They were rude. My son and I just stayed at my mom's for 3 nights. It's my mother of course and her grandson so she was thrilled but we are guests too! I just don't get not offering to treat to dinner -they are staying at his house! And the rest. My mom took an Uber to meet us for dinner one night so my husband wouldn't have to battle rush hour and I insisted on paying and she will not let me. So we treated her to meals and I likely will send her a fruit basket etc- how can people take like that and not blink an eye? I also don't like having houseguests and have never understood when people ask if they can "crash" like it's nothing. I never lived in a house so when I am asked that it's typically been in a small apartment. One time, to a dear friend, I said no (because we wouldn't have privacy, neither would she, and I am up at 6 to get my son ready for school). But I offered to put her up in a hotel -she declined. I didn't think it was rude of her to ask -we are very close friends - and she may not have known the size of our place since we moved.

 

I commend people for opening their homes casually and I often wonder if they ever have sleepign issues/care about sleep -that is part of it for me, too.

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I hit the wall yesterday.

 

Work has been really busy and I have a large project in April. It all coincides with the timing of legally dispersing my mom's estate, which involves getting her home ready to sell, estate sales and gathering up her things.

 

For work I have to move an entire office to another location an hour away from where it currently is. This original office is plane trip from my home base and translates into some travel and being away from home. It's what I do for a living and though often challenging, it can be a little stressful.

 

My boss is an idiot. I am in good company with my opinion and how he still has a job is beyond me. He is insecure and often threatened by me. It's not a compliment, he's threatened by a lot of people.

 

I got the senior exec staff's blessing to buy some new furniture seeing some of the existing won't fit. My boss stalled in thefinal say of placement of furniture knowing full well there was 6 week lead time for ordering. I reminded him every other day.

 

I am not sure who I am more angry with. Him or myself. I feel so foolish for having done all the leg work just to have him stall it long enough to kill it. This is a typical move of his and something I can usually expect and anticipate. I could throw him under the bus for having done so, but I know he'll just make the excuse that there wasn't enough time. When I realized I was set up I told him I was leaving for the day. That was yesterday around lunch. He knew I was mad.

 

Today he pulls me aside and wants to meet this afternoon because he just now realized the existing workstation isn't going to fit? Pretty sure we covered that up front and now how is this my problem?

 

I sit here frozen, raw and I have no mojo. I can't bring myself to go to his office, so instead I sit here ignoring his request.

 

I cried all the way home yesterday. I think I need someone to talk to because I am not handling things very well lately. As frustrating as it is, I can usually work around it. I shouldn't have to, but I do. Right now - I . just . can't.

 

But having said that, how`well' am I supposed to handle the loss of my mother, all the loose ends from that and a boss who likes to play head *uck games and without losing beat, screws up every project I've been involved in in the 15 years I have been here.

 

I just don't know how.

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I really hope you find a way to get some space. I'm sorry this is so overwhelming. I wish I could help.

 

Thank you Batya. You're so sweet.

I just got out of a 2 hour long meeting where he handed me the pencil to draw my ideas.

Pretty suuuurrreee I already did that. I sat motionless and stared at him. Besides, draw out what exactly? The furniture I can no longer buy?

 

2 hours later and we have a plan. >>

I am a little relieved but it doesn't need to be so d*mn difficult.

Going home to hide under the covers.

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Wow, I totally understand the situation with your boss. I think it's a lot like what I'm going through with mine. I feel for you, I really do.

 

I try to reassure myself with the fact that I'll probably only be staying at this company for a couple years--just enough to get some good experience, then I'll move on.

 

How have you managed to work for this man for 15 years?!?!

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Thank you Batya. You're so sweet.

I just got out of a 2 hour long meeting where he handed me the pencil to draw my ideas.

Pretty suuuurrreee I already did that. I sat motionless and stared at him. Besides, draw out what exactly? The furniture I can no longer buy?

 

2 hours later and we have a plan. >>

I am a little relieved but it doesn't need to be so d*mn difficult.

Going home to hide under the covers.

 

Yes, I can relate - honestly it feels like a parenting challenge -when the most basic of tasks take forever and get stressful, unnecessarily.

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Wow, I totally understand the situation with your boss. I think it's a lot like what I'm going through with mine. I feel for you, I really do.

 

I try to reassure myself with the fact that I'll probably only be staying at this company for a couple years--just enough to get some good experience, then I'll move on.

 

How have you managed to work for this man for 15 years?!?!

It's a challenge is an understatement.

 

I have to remind myself all the time that it is a choice. No one is holding a gun to my head, so I choose to stay.

 

I do have to acknowledge that I do have a certain amount of autonomy and respect from the senior staff. My pay is close to double if I were to leave and take my skills elsewhere.

 

I might be able to retire early and I wouldn't be able to if I left at this point.

 

I do have to 'dumb it down' when projects come up and I have to work along side of him. It's hard because projects are stressful and often high profile. Balancing bring my A game and assuaging his fragile ego is kind of mind bending.

As my bf puts it, 'he breaks your spirit'.

 

Outside of projects he pretty much leaves me alone when it comes to daily operations.

 

I consider the difference they pay me as combat pay. That and 7 weeks paid time off that's accumulative. I consider those my mental health days.

 

If I thought I'd still be working 10 years from now, I would have left a long time ago.

 

I've come this far, I can finish out the year or maybe two.

 

And if the timing is right, I light him up on my way out.

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  • 3 months later...

I got a tattoo yesterday!

First one, last one.

 

When I was going through my divorce I was in therapy. My mother brought up the fact that in therapy one of the main things people discuss is their family upbringing and was curious if there was anything I wanted to share with her. This came up a couple of times and each time I avoided the topic or changed the subject. I told my therapist about my moms interest and he encouraged me to talk to her. I still put if off for several months.

 

After I had some time to think about it, I came up with a way to share some things with her that were probably hard for her to hear. Don't get me wrong, my parents were great, but at the same time they came from a generation that wasn't necessarily taught parenting skills. My only brother was a handful and while they spent our entire childhood trying to save him from himself, they basically forgot they had a daughter. I reinforced this by being the perpetual good girl with no voice and therefore I didn't require a lot of attention. I thought I was the lucky one and managed to stay off their radar.

 

But from there I spent most of my adult life inadvertently choosing men who would parent me and in turn found myself in controlling relationships.

 

My mother and I were in the car for a 90 minute car ride, shortly after my divorce where she reminded me that I promised that I would tell her what I learned in therapy during our trip. Here it is, the long drive home and I was counting on her forgetting. I ended up telling her that and a lot of other things in the most respectful, compassionate way possible. She cried the entire time and in the end she said `Everything you said is true'

 

You read or see in the movies the exact same scenario, where people share with their family what they learned in therapy, only to never speak to their family again. Instead my mom validated my experience and apologized. I dropped her off at home and she asked if she could share what I told her with my Dad as she was getting out of the car.

 

90 minute drive home alone. . pre-cell phones, I get home to a ringing phone. I answered it and my Dad immediately choked up and couldn't talk. All he could say is `You know I love you, don't you' he said through a cracked voice. `Yes, Dad I know'

 

I shared with my mom a saying the therapist told me. `Fathers should treat their daughters like a princess, then they will go and marry a prince' From that day on my mom would buy me little princess crowns. Just a few. I still have sweet little tiara that sits on the buffet in my entry way. You might miss it if you walked in, but it's symbolic of my parents acknowledgement of my experience and the little bit of regret on wishing they could have handled things differently.

 

I often joked if I ever got a tattoo it would be princess crown or a tiara. I've been saying this for almost 15 years now. I walked in the door of my moms house about 8 years ago and she was sitting at her lap top, waiting to show me pictures of tiaras tattoos. I asked her who she was because I couldn't believe my 76 year old mom was goading me into getting a tattoo at the time. I tend to talk a lot of smack about things I'd like to do. My follow through kinda sucks.

 

Days before my mom passed away she informed my brother and I of letters she had written for each of us that were in her safe, at her home. My brother opened his immediately. I waited a few days after her passing to open mine. The latter part of the letter she writes `be brave, be braver then you ever could have imagined'

 

My youngest sons friend is an incredible tattoo artist. For Christmas my son gave me a gift certificate and challenged me to the tattoo. He did say either way he'd understand, but the tattoo was paid for when and if ever decided.

 

I had it done yesterday. It's a small tiara with the words, in cursive `be brave' under it. I had it done on the inside of my left wrist. That way I have the option when wearing my watch and the typical several bracelets I wear, you might not see it. If you met me on the street, you might not think I'd be someone who would get a tattoo. But at this stage in my life and having lost my mother, I am not remotely concerned about someone's impression. Funny how life is. A few years ago I might have fretted about what other people would have thought. Today, not so much.

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What a beautiful post! (# 2185). I normally don't click on people's journals, but for some reason today, I felt compelled to click on, and read, your latest entry.

 

What a terrific story! I love how you intertwined the healing that occurred between your mother and you, and your future life, in one small tattoo that you can see for the rest of your life. I can envision your tiara and your verbiage, "be brave". I'm not a tattoo lover myself, but this one.....this one....wow, I absolutely love it.

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I am going to write this out and it remains to be seen if I delete it or not.

 

S plays on a coed softball team on Tuesday nights. His games start at 7, sometimes 8 and I haven't been to any of them. At least not for this league. His weekend league, I've been to plenty. My alarm goes off really early, so a midweek nighttime game isn't doable for me.

 

He shares with me that the women on his team are gay. Or at least most of them? Not sure. It wasn't relevant at the time to check.

 

I will add I have plenty of male friends but he's met most, if not all of them.

 

I do have personal boundary, not rigid but preferred, that in a relationship friends of opposite sex are perfectly fine as long as we can comfortably introduce them to each other. Doesn't mean you have to, you just need to ask yourself if you would. If you wouldn't, then you need to ask yourself why. After all they are just friends, right?

 

S shares with me that seeing that his most recent games start at 8, it's difficult to go out as team afterword for a beer or to be social. So they come up with a plan to meet before hand. He calls me yesterday at work to tell me of the before game plan out of courtesy and then shares with me that only one team member has decided to go and it just so happens it's only the two of them that will be getting bite to eat and cruising his neighborhood farmers market. You know where this is going. It's a team member that's a woman.

 

 

Just to paint a picture, S lives in a beach community and this farmers market is more of an event, with 3 live bands, 1000+ people etc. It's where we had our first date. It's where we have often spend our Tuesday summer nights.

I thank him for running it past me.

And then. . I mull it over for few hours. 90% of me is ok with this. That 10% is starting to wear on me.

What is my issue (s)? (just for the purpose of sussing this out)

He never mentioned her name. She is a nameless woman doing a date like thing with my boyfriend.

Hmmmm.

 

She's gay. Ok, but is he assuming? I know S to be overly friendly at times. In a good but sometimes naive way. At the same time I trust him but even as trusting as we are of each other, I don't think I'd be participating in a date-like event with a man he's never met and who's name I have never even mentioned. - or didn't/wouldn't.

 

I was gearing up to say something. What that something was, I wasn't sure of. I do know I am very protective over my independence and I get offended when someone challenges me on similar things. Do I even say anything or just wait this out? . .still mulling it over, this same time yesterday. The only thing I do know is I want to treat this with the same courtesy I would want in return.

 

As if turns out. . my sons birthday was last night. Original plan, dinner, just me and my 2 sons. Last minute both boys announce they were bringing dates. I share this with S and he now wants to cancel on the friend date and come with my sons and I for dinner. He joins us, leaves dinner early to go play ball. He volunteers he went out after the game. I didn't ask for details.

 

I suspect this will come up again and I have between now and then to figure out what I want to say. . and if I want or need to say anything.

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Sometimes it's completely unfair and illogical to demand something from a partner but not do the same for them. It sucks, but it happens, and it's how you feel.

 

For me, I'd probably not say something yet. It seems to be the first instance you're aware of, and it didn't pan out anyway. Maybe see how often this happens, if it happens again.

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Reinvent, I am going to ask you the same question I would ask a brand new poster who posted this on the general forum.

 

Would this bother you if this gay woman was a man?

 

You know it's been said a zillion times, we cannot control our partner's actions, what they choose to do/don't do, we can only control how we react to it.

 

I think it's speaks volumes that he trusts you enough to share these things w you, and also that he broke plans w her to have dinner w you and your sons.

 

I am a bit confused about something though -- what did you mean when you said "ok, she's gay, but is he assumimg?"

 

Is he assuming what?

 

Anyway, if me I would let this go, but I'm curious if there is something a bit deeper going on in your relationship and subconsciously you're using this situation to mask that deeper issue.

 

I am not invalidating your feelings, you feel how you feel, but based on what you've posted, this does not seem like that big of deal to me, unless I'm missing something, which based on how I've been feeling lately, is quite possible.

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Sometimes it's completely unfair and illogical to demand something from a partner but not do the same for them. It sucks, but it happens, and it's how you feel.

Well, I wasn't going to demand anything and I also understand that people are with you by choice.

 

Where I was going with this is wondering if I should state my boundary, the one I mentioned previously. I haven't had to do this with him. Things have just gone so effortlessly. Would he, given the opportunity feel comfortable introducing her to me? (again, he doesn't have to. But would he?)

 

As I mentioned, I want to give him the same courtesy that I would want in return, given the situation. I wanted to give this some respectful consideration.

 

I guess where I got hung up was and I mentioned previously I don't think I'd be participating in a date-like event with a new man friend he's never met and who's name I have never even mentioned and failed to in the moment (it's not that wouldn't go. I'd just handle it differently)

No problem with female friends

No problem with them doing activities of their choice.

 

It wasn't even on my radar until after which time I noticed this woman didn't have name. He spoke of her briefly. Can't recall if he was certain of her sexual orientation or assumed and commented that he wasn't attracted to her. (he could have left that part out) But she didn't have a name. That's the part I get stuck on.

 

Katrina asked if I would feel the same if it was a man. Well of course not :) lol

 

I did read my post several times viewing from the other side and I am no doubt impartial to my own experience to some degree. . but I still stick with I wouldn't spend an evening with a new man friend if I couldn't even mention him by name to my bf. Pretty sure I'd give him some cursory explanation. In replace of her real name he had to bring up whether or not he found her attractive. That's where I got an uneasy feeling.

 

Having said all that, it's much to do about nothing.

I often get hung up thinking just because I would handle something a certain way doesn't make it right and it doesn't mean I will always get the same in return.

 

He's not playing next Tuesday night so it will be a couple weeks now before this comes up again. It likely won't matter then. But I am pretty sure I will ask him if she has a name.

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I'll share a story. Maybe it helps, maybe not.

 

About three months into dating my girlfriend—"dating my girlfriend" to connote that we hadn't given it the official stamp yet—she came over, we caught up about our days. I mentioned that I'd had a drink earlier with a woman. I didn't know this woman too well, so let's call her a "maybe friend." We'd met through work around the time I met my gf, we're both newish to this city, have friends in common.

 

In my mind—and, I believe, in this maybe-friend's—that drink was nothing more than that: networking, community-building. She was aware I was serious about someone, because I made that clear, just as my girlfriend was aware this woman existed in some peripheral capacity in my life—the fellow colleague I'd met at that thing a while back.

 

Anyhow, a few days later my girlfriend brought it up. Her wording was almost identical to yours in bold: she would not participate in a date-like event with a man I didn't know. Didn't dovetail, for her, with being in a relationship and creating a space in which a relationship can keep blossoming, deepening.

 

She didn't sound hurt or judgmental or threatened or disrespected, because I don't think she was any of those things. In fact, I think she said another thing nearly verbatim that you wrote above: that she knows she can get hung up in thinking that just because she would handle something a certain way it doesn't make it right, or mean another person, doing it differently, is wrong.

 

She was simply telling me about how she operates. Didn't ask me to change, didn't put it in the context of what she "needs," none of that. It was just us doing the thing that I hope to keep doing for a long, long, long time with her: getting to know each other by sharing who we are, building an operating system from two well-matched, but of course different, operating systems.

 

That conversation was maybe 15 minutes. It has never come up again. I have not gone on a date-like event with a woman she has not met since, and I am a zillion percent fine with that.

 

This moment was not a "bump" in our road, a "thing" we now "work on," a quiet "tension" in an otherwise glittering romance. When I play the gooey tape of all the moments when I've known I'm falling in love with someone and connecting at a frequency I didn't quite know was possible—well, that one stands out right there with all the other obvious gooey moments.

 

Truth is, I'd be okay with her doing the same with a man I hadn't met—that's my operating system, or at least the state of my operating system when I met her. But do I "need" to be able to have those drinks, in exactly that context, to remain "me" inside a relationship? Do I need that to be something someone is cool with? No, I don't. I took a moment to ask myself this, because I'm not interested in shaving myself down to an inauthentic shape for the sake of coupledom or some strained version of partnership—and I know my girlfriend wouldn't want that either. She adores me, I adore her. She just wants me to be me, but she also wants to be able to be herself, alongside me, with me.

 

So no, I don't need that. And not just to make her "happy" and "secure" and show her my adoration. More to the point: I think her operating system, in this respect, is better than mine, more evolved, more conducive to the type of connections I want—with her, of course, and more generally. A drink like that—harmless as it was, fueled by zero shady motivations—was perhaps a holdover from some younger, less evolved me who could see only two steps ahead instead of four or six.

 

So you could say that in sharing that little piece of herself—which I'm sure took a bit of bravery on her part, which of course just added to my respect for her—she helped me evolve, a hair, into a better version of myself (which of course just made me more excited to been with her and keep building this thing we're building).

 

Again, this was 15 minutes, maybe half that. I would not call it "a talk," so much as another extension of our compatibility, the effortlessness we enjoy, both in going with the flow and guiding the flow, just a touch, through honesty and intention, when needed. Knowing that we can not just go with the flow, but adjust it with grace—well, swoon.

 

With another person, with a different tone, at another time in my life, perhaps it would have landed differently. But my girlfriend—and I get the feeling you share these qualities—is a self-possessed, independent-minded spirit. She knows I have lots of female friends, and that I connect well with women. I know she has lots of male friends, and connects well with men. That's a non-issue. We've met lots of these friends, we go out with them—together, separately.

 

For her—and I get it—it was just the slightest difference, but one she found important enough to vocalize. I know her to be someone who chooses those moments carefully, who is not one to react quickly to clumsily to a slight spike in emotion.

 

I'm rambling here, aren't I? I recognize what I'm describing is a relationship very much in the early stages of formation whereas yours has some deeper roots, but I think it's important to have these moments—early, later, throughout. Probably I'm saying that I think there is a way to talk about this—one where, just going from the vibe I get from you and the vibe I get from you two—will only be positive.

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In my mind—and, I believe, in this maybe-friend's—that drink was nothing more than that: networking, community-building. She was aware I was serious about someone, because I made that clear, just as my girlfriend was aware this woman existed in some peripheral capacity in my life—the fellow colleague I'd met at that thing a while back.

Thanks Blue.

 

I guess I either choose to seek some clarification or choose to just have some faith. Best part is I don't need to do anything about it today. Time is my friend here

 

I just keep getting stuck on the fact the her name was not mentioned. Just a coincidence or omission? `A friend' is cryptic. Had he said `I am hanging with Suzie' the vibe would be different.

And unlike your situation, I didn't know this friend existed.

 

I am clearly overthinking it

Tomorrow this won't matter.

But vetting it out here and getting feedback helps :)

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Yeah, I’d say you’re in the Land of Overthinking with the name stuff. He plays softball, he’s made a new friend, he ran it all by you best he knew how—and, hey, was far more interested in hanging with you and your family.

 

I think that having faith and having talks can coexist, each offering clarity to the other, instead of it being binary.

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>>He calls me yesterday at work to tell me of the before game plan out of courtesy and then shares with me that only one team member has decided to go and it just so happens it's only the two of them that will be getting bite to eat and cruising his neighborhood farmers market. You know where this is going. It's a team member that's a woman.

 

Hey again reinvent, I could be way off about this, but hear me out.

 

I am a bit curious, since he referred to this person as only a "friend," how you found out this friend was a woman? And a gay woman.

 

I am also struggling with the concept that this was a "date-like" event. Grabbing a beer with a friend, at a local farmer's market -- obviously, if two people were out on a date and chose to go there, it would be a "date."

 

But on the other hand, two friends grabbing a beer before a game could be viewed as just that -- two friends grabbing a beer before the game.

 

The venue doesn't make a difference imo, it's how they both view what's happening. And in this case, they were two friends grabbing a beer.

 

I am also wondering why, when he referred to this person as a "friend" without providing her name, you didn't just ask, oh who is it? I mean at that point, you didn't know whether it was a he or she, correct?

 

At which point he could have provided her name (or his name had it been a male friend), who she/he is, how long they have been friends, etc.

 

>>He's not playing next Tuesday night so it will be a couple weeks now before this comes up again. It likely won't matter then. But I am pretty sure I will ask him if she has a name.

 

Yeah you could do that or you could avoid the sarcasm by simply asking him what the person's name is. I don't think that is intrusive at all.

 

You're interested in who is friends are, as his girlfriend, that is totally legit.

 

In any event, I am glad you have concluded it's much to do about nothing.

 

How is everything else going? It's been about two years, correct?

 

I hope all is well and that you're truly happy together. :)

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