Another online daing journal

I am so sorry :(

Sorry to hear the sad news, reinvent. Condolences to you and your family.

I’m so sorry for your and your family’s loss, reinvent.

Just wanted to share some recent happy moments.

Mother & Son dance

And the newlyweds.

How cute are they?

Lovely :D

3 weeks today since she passed away. It still doesn't seem real.

The grief sneaks up on me at inopportune times and when I least expect it.

I read something today about mourning the loss of your mother -

They were there for your first breath and in return you are there for their last.

I knew I couldn't keep her forever, but I wasn't ready to say goodbye.

Putting together the pieces, there are indications that she might have known more than she let on. Her doctor had been mine for over 20 years and I know him well. She knew something and chose to not take care of it. The Dr alludes to having warned her. He's called me a couple times, inviting me to call him back to talk, I have so many questions but I don't think I can handle hearing the answers.

I am still cycling in an angry stage because she was pretty cavalier about it. `I've led a good life and when it's my time. . blah, blah, blah'. But in the end she suffered, was frightened and regretful. It makes me really angry.

Most of all I feel gutted. The service was last week and tomorrow my brother and I meet with an attorney. Even though my mother was very organized, settling someones estate is complicated. So much so we don't know where to start, so we have to hire someone to hold our hand and sort it out.

I dread Christmas. I am hating Christmas songs. That over used saying `seeing my life pass before my eyes' is surreal right now. I grieve my Dad all over again and flashbacks of my entire childhood with my parents flash before me.

In the meantime I just got a text from the woman that took in my mom's 12 year old dog. At the very last minute this woman came out of no where (long story) and took on a very spoiled 4 lb Yorkie that never had a yard. My mom walked her several times a day and in between used pee pads. (sorta) So, she's not house trained. My mom always insisted Coco was afraid of other dogs. But the truth is my mom was anxious and overprotective about the dog, she picked her up every time one came near.

Coco's new owner had just adopted a 14 year blind dog and took in her fathers 9 year old dog when he died. I asked this woman if she was an angel. Seriously.

Coco is now the pack leader, the alpha dog, steals the largest dogs bed and runs around a back yard that she never had before. In 12 years Coco never experienced being off a leash to run around.

If my mom had her wishes and her kids respecting them, we would have put her down the day this woman showed up. It still makes me shake my head. I don't know what I believe in, but I don't think this was a coincidence. My brother and I had left the mortuary and I picked up my phone to call the vet where Coco was boarded and saw the text. The rest is history.

I can't make this stuff up. We often joked that my Mom loved this dog more than her own children.

I am sure my mother is waiting for her dog and is probably mad at us. But I can live with that.

After all, I am still mad at her.

Little Coco, hoarding Harley, the french bulldog's bed:

I’m so happy that little Coco found a home :)

My thoughts are with you and your family during this holiday season.

awwww....little coco! Don't be angry at your mom. She did the best she could. My mom died 2 years ago. Colon cancer. She insisted that she was NEVER going to have a colonoscopy...even tho she was having issues down there. When the pain got so great, she agreed. By then it was to late. She died in 5 weeks. But....she was going down hill. Maybe she would have lived another 3 years (without the cancer) but it would not have been a happy, productive (or even happy, unproductive) life.

She didn't want to die. She became very depressed when after the surgery, she found out the cancer had spread. She said she didn't want to leave her children. (mostly my sister)

So even tho we lost her YEARS before we needed to, or should have...in reality it was a blessing. She didn't have to linger a slow death, and her mind was starting to fail her.

Maybe your mom was in the same boat. Gone toosoon....but would SHE have been better off to live a longer life? Would it have been a painfree (mentally and physically) existence? Was she sad at the end that she was dying? I think everyone has a fear at the very end...on what is going to be on the other side.

My dad fought death til the very end.

So. At the end of this all....let your anger go. Talk to your mom. Forgive her.

I'm sorry for your lose of your dear mom....but think...your mom's beloved coco is living life to the fullest now! *smiles*

I'm so sorry if I didn't sound sympathetic. I really am. Especially at Christmas, it's going to hurt even more.

I just wanted to say....Forgive.

I'm realizing my pattern of losing people in my life and becoming overly self reliant. So much so I close my heart and practice not counting on others. It's a defense mechanism.

The boyfriend is still in another state taking care of his parents medical issues and as time goes by if feel myself checking out of the relationship. It's not what I want and I struggle to not let it happen.

It's no fault of his, but I've handled my mothers passing for the most by myself. It just seems to be a pattern in my life.

I spent last weekend with him. It's only the 2nd time I've seen him in 2 months. I just dont feel connected.

It's to be expected to some degree, I suppose.

I think he can sense it so he tries harder. No doubt my physical and emotional distance is probably making him feel insecure. I don't have much in my reserve for reassurance.

I just want my old life back when things weren't so complicated. So much of it feels upside down.

I'm trying to be patient with myself and resist blowing things up but I've just gotten my 4th I love you and it's only lunch time.

My mother had a brother who was 16 yrs younger. Being the `oops' child to my grandparents and the only boy, he was spoiled and catered to. Because of his age he was more of sibling to myself and my older brother and we adored him when we were young.

Fast fwd, he can't really make heads or tails of his life and like so many young men of that generation with no direction, he enlisted in the army.

Fast fwd even more, he was discharged honorably, for some odd reason we were never really sure of. He marries a woman a year younger than myself and has three kids. His kids (my cousins) are close to my sons ages.

He and his wife stayed in the welfare system indefinitely and went to my parents repeatedly for money. Between that and the shared care of my grandmother, the relationship between my parents and my uncle fell apart. Aside from that, I personally didn't respect my uncles lifestyle and his endless excuses. I haven't seen him in 25 yrs?

During my mom's final weeks I asked her if she wanted me to contact her brother. Before I got the question out, I got a firm `NO' in return. Not surprised, but I felt I needed to ask.

My mom could be pretty hard core that way.

Yesterday on FB messenger, I receive a message from my Uncles oldest son. I am thinking he's probably in his late 30's? Last time I saw him he was probably 12.

As it turns out he'd been trying to get a hold of my mother to inform her that her brother had passed away 10 days ago.

Life is just weird sometimes.

I didn't respond right away and considering the dynamic with my Uncle and his family, I just wanted to proceed carefully. I talked to my brother about it and this morning I responded.

We chatted a bit and as it turns out my uncle took his life at the age of 68. A little more back and forth and I am trying to close this now open door gently.

A few hours pass and I just got a question. He asks if I knew the nature of our parents differences, because no one had ever explained it him.

I just responded that I knew, but at this point in time it wasn't important.

I feel so sad for him. He asked if anyone had told his father of his sisters passing and the timing of her death. I can't help but wonder if he was trying to come up with answers to why his dad made this choice and what led up to it. Almost embarrassed, I told him no. We didn't reach out to let him know.

Kind of a sad little legacy to be left with. My family is so small to begin with and what little there is is somehow denied.

I'm sorry to hear this!

That is very sad.

S is still traveling to Las Vegas to help his parents M-F. He comes home Friday nights and we have the weekends together.

I am feeling a little off. Works been really busy and will continue to be so through April. I have an entire office to close down and move, which means a great deal of planning and travel. My boss is typically annoying as hell and he's already making things harder than need be. Traveling with him is a night mare come to life.

That and our new CEO wants what she wants and I just ordered $130K worth of conference room chairs. An add'l 80K for new marble surfaces in 2 of conference rooms to be installed this weekend. It's pretty extravagant but there is something unnerving about tossing 60 newer leather chairs that I had custom made for our last CEO. Oh well, I am not hired for my opinion. I am just here to take orders. Well, they listen to me some times, but I clearly don't have a vote. Today I was overruled about the height adjustment that you should not put on a conference room chair. Just picture a room with 38 chairs after a meeting that are all different heights. I pretty much told them I am not responsible for making them all even in between every meeting and our board room is a very visible show piece. Oh well. Oh, that and the chairs are off white! One pen in someones pocket and 6 mo's of use they'll look like hell. I don't wipe down chairs either. I said my peace, that's all I can do. I have my orders ;0)

Performance reviews are due tomorrow and I haven't even started mine.

Somewhere between now and May we need to get my Mom's home ready for sale. It's a little daunting and emotional. Having to purge her personal items and have an estate sale seems incomprehensible at this moment. At least with the trust laws, we can't disperse anything until May 16th, so we take advantage of the time between now and then to wrap our heads around what's in store for us. April is out, so we need to tackle this in the upcoming weekends.

I am back to grinding through my work days just to go home, sleep and do it all over again. I give up my weekends for S, (notice my choice of words) and typical for me at almost 18 months in, I question where this is going. It doesn't help he senses my distraction and in turn tries harder. The more he tries the more I pull away. I've squashed some of the phone calls and texts through-out the day. I honestly don't have much to say from the time my head hits the pillow and during my drive to work. Unless he wants to know about my bathroom habits, I'll have to make something up. He's perfectly happy to sit through long silences sometimes, whereas me, it grates on my nerves.

Interesting, in person I am much better with him. But I could do without all the electronic communication midweek. But at the same time I need to be sensitive to him. He's being a trooper, giving up a big part of his life being a caregiver to his parents for the meantime. I know how difficult it can be. If I can support him in any way I'll try.

He constantly brings up moving in together and me retiring. Honestly between what I already have and what was left by my mom it is close to becoming a reality. Add in S moving in and we'd be fat cats. But I am not motivated by the money. I need a better reason. But for the time being I don't want to talk about it. It stresses me out a bit.

I try to imagine what life would be like and I've been honest with him about my need for space and how it's had a negative impact on my previous relationships. That coupled with merging any money and how that is a trigger for me for having been married to debt-aholic for 18 years. And (I swear I think I need to go back to therapy to work this out) add in the fact that I was a stay at home mom for 13 years and I associate being home without a purpose as depressive place to be.

I said hell twice. I went back and counted.

Call me cranky.

When I feel as you do - I try not to make or even attempt to make significant decisions. I am sorry you have so much on your plate. Feeling cranky here, too and somewhat overwhelmed. Hope it gets better. Does coffee help?

When I feel as you do - I try not to make or even attempt to make significant decisions. I am sorry you have so much on your plate. Feeling cranky here, too and somewhat overwhelmed. Hope it gets better. Does coffee help?

Drinking a cup now :)

I will see S tonight and I can count on him bringing up living together or retiring this weekend. I've decided to tell him how I am feeling. I have a lot on my plate right now.

I am still (quietly) grieving the loss of my mother. Though you wouldn't know by looking at me. It's a funny thing and pretty much to be expected. One someone dies, people rally around you and then there is an end date to the discussion. I go anywhere near the subject and people become uncomfortable and change the subject. S does this too.

We had a discussion about it a couple weeks ago and his response was pretty typical and one that most people might say when they quickly change the subject `I don't want to upset you'. But like I told S, `I am upset and you aren't upsetting me. I just need someone to talk to and everyone does the same thing by changing the subject as if it's taboo'

It feels like I attempt to crack a door open and other person quickly slams it shut. So I keep to myself. At the same time I get it. Death and grief make people uncomfortable.

I hope I take away something from this experience. I've probably done the same thing. But next time someone close to me looses a loved one, I will ask questions and let them talk, even if their grief makes me uncomfortable.

Anyway, I digress.

I have a lot going on and the constant talk of the future is stressing me out. Besides, if I were to call his bluff he'd probably back off. I am pretty sure he's as afraid as I am. I suppose he feels safe constantly bringing it up because I some how have assumed the role of the gate keeper here.

But between now and the end of May, I am just taking it one day at a time and trying to keep my head on straight.

Hope your Friday and the weekend if better for you, Batya

So, I loved my inlaws, especially my mother in law who passed away in 2013. And I still don't know when it's ok to refer to her -I've been doing it more lately but I don't want to upset my husband and for the first few years I was afraid -if he brought her up first then sure! And I remembered what would have been her birthday (so did he but sometimes i actually remembered it first). I really enjoy reminding him of things she said/did/anecdotes -she was one cool, spunky lady ahead of her time! I did encourage him to get free grief counseling through work but I don't think he did. He was basically ok - when she was in hospice it was so so hard and so prolonged for all of us and in way maybe it was a relief when she passed?

I am sorry you're grieving. i am very close with my mother (she is her 80s and she also loved my inlaws) and I cannot imagine. i worry about her even though she is in excellent health and far more social and active than me I think! I hope things continue to improve in every way.

ReRe, :)

In the case of the each of my parent's passing, my way grieving was imperceptible to most. With our most recent loss, I and others in my family have been going about life as normal, while also being aloof and distracted, and in my case, atypically anxious (internally so). We simply haven't been seeking the company of others, or lighting up our personalities - while still being social - at a party as we might otherwise. After about two years, I begin to check in with my life and discover weird decisions I have made, mail I haven't opened, things I have been avoiding, and most regrettably, friends whom I have offended with my inexplicable absence. It is maddening, and it is only within the last week or two that I discovered how much shame I feel for it -- which I am now in the process of addressing and forgiving.

All that to say - in case it matters - you are not alone - not that you ever thought you were. And yes, now is not the time to make life decisions. It will be, soon. But not quite yet.

And I still don't know when it's ok to refer to her -I've been doing it more lately but I don't want to upset my husband and for the first few years I was afraid -if he brought her up first then sure! And I remembered what would have been her birthday (so did he but sometimes i actually remembered it first). I really enjoy reminding him of things she said/did/anecdotes -she was one cool, spunky lady ahead of her time! .

I can't speak for your husband, but being on this side of it now I would love someone to bring up my mom. And I have said it previously, I too thought better than to bring it up before.

But now, not the case. At least for me.

It was interesting at a dinner party recently, 3 couples total, S's friends and we all shared the challenges of loosing a parent. It was in that moment I realized that no one really talks about it. You make the announcement and then the subject is taken off the table. I was interested in everyone else's experience, the long road to settling estates and coming to terms with it all. I told them right in that moment that I wish people would talk about it. Because nothing really prepares you for it even though you know it's inevitable. You are still rocked when it happens.

Maybe if we did, we would be better prepared. . .as I am in right in the middle of gathering doc's to go with my son to the dmv in 30 minutes to sign over my moms car to his new bride.

My mom had a 2004 Toyota Highlander SUV, with only 26k miles on it! Pretty incredible.

Here's a tip. If you want a good used car, go a senior community. They don't drive!

Gotta run.

Thanks for the kind words IAmFCA

Re You are so right. I talk about it in the most practical terms and even people still don't talk about it. Its like it never happens.

Batya, Your discretion is a skill I hope to have b4 I leave this planet! Loving of you.

ReRe, :)

 

In the case of the each of my parent's passing, my way grieving was imperceptible to most. With our most recent loss, I and others in my family have been going about life as normal, while also being aloof and distracted, and in my case, atypically anxious (internally so). We simply haven't been seeking the company of others, or lighting up our personalities - while still being social - at a party as we might otherwise. After about two years, I begin to check in with my life and discover weird decisions I have made, mail I haven't opened, things I have been avoiding, and most regrettably, friends whom I have offended with my inexplicable absence. It is maddening, and it is only within the last week or two that I discovered how much shame I feel for it -- which I am now in the process of addressing and forgiving.

 

All that to say - in case it matters - you are not alone - not that you ever thought you were. And yes, now is not the time to make life decisions. It will be, soon. But not quite yet.

This really hits home for me.

Reinvent, the other day I was at a course and near the end the instructor touched on mental health issues and grief. I started tearing up right there. A strange immense gratefulness that it was being spoken about openly. And realizing in that moment, these are parts of life and being human that in the society I live in, we aren't that great at acknowledging. Pretty much pretend like it isn't happening to people all around us, that it does affect our every day life, that it's there.

We also watched this short video on sympathy versus empathy. Brene Brown speaking, adorable animations for a visual. It spoke specifically about how to listen and show empathy, how it's ok to need to share and ok too to let someone share without trying to make it better. That often we can't make it better anyways. What helps is to feel the connection. To not feel all alone in it. So true! And what you wrote made me want to share this with you too , because I've felt what has been shared here too.

It gave me hope for things opening up as far as acknowledging this part of our humanity , that one little 20 minute inclusion on mental and emotional health and that video in a course. And it made me feel and understand in a very real way how much so many of us have carried these things inside and just try to pretend because we thought this is just how it is, how we had to adapt to. But to me, it now seems such an added suffering and prolongment that we don't have to have at all. Things may be changing and in this, it's a good thing.

I have a lot going on and the constant talk of the future is stressing me out. Besides, if I were to call his bluff he'd probably back off. I am pretty sure he's as afraid as I am. I suppose he feels safe constantly bringing it up because I some how have assumed the role of the gate keeper here.

When my boyfriend and I first started dating, he pushed hard to move in together. I had just signed a lease, so it was pretty easy to blow him off. But he still applied pressure.

Second year, I got a new job and had to move north. I chose a place about halfway between his job and my new job, because the plan still was for him to move in.

WELL. You would not believe how he dragged his feet about moving in. This was the guy that got mad at me when I talked about repainting my previous apartment, because that indicated my plan to stay there and not move in with him.

It was like someone flipped a switch in him!

So, you probably still have a lot of leeway. Take your time. Don't feel overwhelmed.

After about two years, I begin to check in with my life and discover weird decisions I have made, mail I haven't opened, things I have been avoiding,

I never deleted my dad's number from my cell phone. He's been dead 10 years this month. When my stepmother calls me, it still comes up as "Dad." Only now is that starting to seem weird to me. I may change it soon....

This was the guy that got mad at me when I talked about repainting my previous apartment, because that indicated my plan to stay there and not move in with him.

 

So, you probably still have a lot of leeway. Take your time. Don't feel overwhelmed.

My previous bf was super insecure and he found cryptic reasons behind anything I did, so I didn't do anything (nesting related)

Consequently, my house was falling apart and an equity loan I was approved for wasn't spent. When I met S, I told him straight up that there were things I needed to do and if it took me a couple years to do it, I didn't want him to think it was an indication of how I felt about the relationship.

At the time he thought it an odd comment. But I told him of my previous relationship and how I always seemed in trouble for one reason or another. He hugged me and told me not to worry.

Now a year and half later, I am still 'nesting' having just bought new patio furniture and getting an estimate for a new kitchen counter/surface. I can't help but think he's wondering where he fits in in the scheme of things, but I am still moving forward. It's not like he wasn't warned :)

My bf is super easy going. His passion is cooking, socializing and entertaining. He thinks nothing of inviting himself to stay in other peoples homes because he has an open door policy himself.

Then there is me.

I like all the above in moderation with the exception of staying in someone's home and having house guests if I don't know them very well. Maybe I am wrong but it might be `woman thing' (IMO) Men thinking nothing of it. After all, 5 mins in the bathroom and they are good to go. Women, at least this woman, takes a little longer. And then there's the whole hospitality thing, whether you are guest or the host that again IMO is work.

I've been good sport but I just put my foot down. I don't sleep well in strangers homes. I appreciate the fact that it's work for the host(ess) and I am careful not to impose and overstay my welcome. It's just not comfortable.

S's friends are traveling an hour into to town to watch their grand daughter's dance competition for the weekend and w/o a second thought S invites them to forgo their hotel and stay with him. I say nothing. It's his prerogative and his home. About an hour later it dawns on him. `You aren't staying over this weekend are you?' Me smiling `No'

S lives in a 800 sq ft beach house with one tiny bathroom. You literally need to turn sideways to pass each other walking through. I can't imagine 4 mature adults taking a number for the bathroom if I live 10 minutes away.

On one occasion we traveled to Las Vegas for a softball tournament and stayed with his parents. Neither one of us slept well and while he was comfortable enough to doze on the couch next to me until late into the night, while I conversed until my head almost exploded with his parents. His parents were too polite to excuse themselves and so was I. At one point I just elbowed him. The bathroom faced the living room so just getting the bathroom in my pjs' was awkward.

Anyway, I could go on. I think he sees me as difficult. I see him a little harmless, but clueless or just being guy.

It should be interesting tomorrow night when we drive to his own home to pick up this couple to go to dinner, just to drop them off and leave.

I remember my Mother being the same way about house guests. I used to think she was just being difficult. . .Hmmmmmm

S's friends came into town and S offered his home for the night. In pure S fashion he washed the sheets in the spare bedroom, outfitted the frig with fresh berries, yogurt, creamer etc.

They arrived around 2 and along with S the 3 of them drove to my home and from there we took an Uber for an early dinner.

We all ordered a round of drinks, the husband J orders an appetizer that we all shared.

From there the couple each order a dinner and S and shared fish and chips. S now orders a glass of wine.

When the bill came the men put both their cards down to split the bill and S asked the server to split it 60/40 with the 60% on S's card.

When I asked him later why he did this and he said it was due to the glass of wine he had. The couple made note of S leaving a tip on his bill so they thought to entirely forgo the tip on their 40%.

I pointed out to S later that we shared a meal and though it was a generous thing to do it wasn't necessary.

From there we moved to next door where there was live entertainment. Another round of drinks and J orders an appetizer. (which he ate himself) The second bill comes and it's placed next to S. S puts his card down and there is no response what so ever from the other couple. A few moments later the server comes by and asks if the bill is ok. S hesitates, the other couple doesn't respond. S pays entirely for this.

I am mildly annoyed and walk out to call for the Uber. I've paid for both trips to and from which I typically wouldn't have a problem with. We get to my house and they need an Uber back to S's and S will stay with me. The Uber driver suggests that he just add it to the original trip and they are now on their way to S's house which they have all to themselves.

I am not a score keeper with things like this and I'm only sharing it to paint the picture.

But how is it that this couple came into town with thought that they had little or no obligation to support themselves.

I mostly felt bad for S. I don't think this couple was malicious in any way, but more-so entirely clueless?

The next morning I hear S on the phone. I had been looking at the time, knowing this couple needed to be somewhere at 11am.

I was wondering if they would at least call to thank S, but as it turns out S called them to check on them.

It was just rude on so many levels. S tries to hide his disappointment by saying it's not about the money. I agree, but it is about someone who took advantage of his kindness.

I had the hardest time keeping my strong opinions to myself. I did tell him how I felt but had to temper it a bit. This was a coworker of his and they've known each other for 30 years.

It's sad, because I won't want to be in their company again. At least not intimately. At least not right now. Maybe after I settle down a little bit about it.