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Thread: Another online daing journal

  1. #2331
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Is there anything else you can work on while you're there? Personal stuff? Fine-tune your master plan to overthrow the current world order?

    Maybe you can take up a hobby and practice it while you're there. Something small and innocuous.

    I once did a conference call while bead weaving. It was a fun experience. I was working from home and running a construction meeting and nobody knew that I was weaving a piece of jewelry with a needle and thread

    It was actually very relaxing.

  2. #2332
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    Is there anything else you can work on while you're there? Personal stuff? Fine-tune your master plan to overthrow the current world order?

    Maybe you can take up a hobby and practice it while you're there. Something small and innocuous.
    I tried listening to an audible book I listen to in the car. Too much distraction. I had to keep backing it up.
    I've been taking care of personal business and trying to wrap my mothers estate/trustee taxes. All of this is a part time job in of itself.

    That and dinking around on here :)
    Staff pops into my office asking questions. . so knitting it out. . lol

    I go for walks everyday in the hotel a couple buildings away. Without giving it away it's a landmark and has an unusual footprint inside. The upper levels have vacant office spaces. I can do laps in there for an hour a day with my music in my ear. It's a controlled environment so I have no excuse that it's too hold, too cold or too crowded.

    I had a tourist ask me the time yesterday! I was trying not to think about the corona virus, but it is a hotel full of people from different cultures after all.

  3. #2333
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Wrapping up our what was supposed to be our contingency plan just to send the staff home for an indefinite period of time.
    Things just got real.
    Doesn't really apply to Operations though. . funny thing is an empty office space is probably the safest place to be right now.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 03-12-2020 at 07:36 PM.

  4. #2334
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Week 5? I've lost count and don't care to go back and find out. I was in a conference call yesterday discussing how we will fold out a return to work program. Being in operations, I'll be back day one. I feel so conflicted by that.

    Part of me is miserable being home isolated. I now know what home arrest feels like, I just don't have the ankle bracelet to show for it. I am tied to my lap top. I wake it every 20 minutes to see basically no activity. But I am still accountable and still on the clock. The days drag by.

    I run on the anxious side anyway and pacing my home alone fuels my anxiety. I associate it with a time in my life when I was married, a stay at home mom. While my ex was always working and not even coming home at night and my sons were at the age of being very social. Between school and friends they were gone as well. My world was small and (though I couldn't admit it at the time) I had no friends, by my ex's doing. I was so miserable and disconnected from stuffing all my disappointments, I started having panic attacks. What was really confusing is I am not afraid to be alone. Being somewhat of an introvert, I need my alone time. But there is a difference between some alone time and being isolated. I often reflect back to the younger me, where being home alone was never an issue. I know it makes no sense, but I want someone here, but then I want them leave. It a frustrating riddle I can't solve. It' the crux as to why I've had serious relationship yet never remarried and have no desire to live together.

    Long story short, those very panic attacks during the end of my marriage landing me in therapy and from there the realization of my toxic marriage unfolded and ultimately ended. But the uneasiness and anxiety of being alone has never really gone away.

    It's such and internal struggle. I yearn for alone time, but at some point the anxiety monster creeps in. In therapeutic terms, it's myself I am afraid of facing. Being alone with my feelings. I understand this logically and I sit in the middle of it and try to sort it out. It's so much better, but never gone.

    I want and fear retirement. I get that if I was retired I certainly wouldn't be chained to my dining room table alone like I am right now. But I do fear the anxiety. I haven't had the opportunity to test it in this way. It does rattle me some.

    S spent the day with me last week while I was 'working' I was anxious and agitated. I didn't want him to leave just as much as I wish he would just go home. I didn't realize it until the following day. With him here, I just sat on the patio with him and did nothing. All day. He'd be looking at his phone and doze off. I'd go in and unload the dishwasher or walk out and sweep the front court yard when he wasn't looking. 'Watcha doin?' he'd ask. I'd go sit back down.

    I realized the next day while home alone working, I never sit down. I futz around, I rearranged my sock drawer, I read on this forum, I baked banana bread, painted my toenails. I am not so much bothered by his presence, but more so myself, that I limited my activity while he was here which led to me feeling miserable and anxious. I haven't felt this way in years and I am not happy to be in the middle of something uncomfortably familiar.

    Since then I've made excuses for S to not come over while I am on the clock. He's coming over this afternoon and I just need to be direct with him how I feel. He's is welcome and wanted here. . but I will likely be keeping busy the entire time.

    I am worried about what going back to work will look like. During the conference call yesterday and while everyone was coming up with plans for directional paths and limiting the number of people access to the lunch room and so forth and so on, I spoke up and added that there are a certain number of staff that are flexible and then a good number of those less tolerant that will be blowing up my phone with complaints. I was very clear that I will not be the Covid police when we return and any concerns will deferred to HR to handle. It sounded good to say it out loud, even though I know better. It will expected for me to make great efforts to resolve complaints before I escalate it to HR.

    It's going to be tense and I don't know if I am up for it.

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  6. #2335
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    I really appreciate you sharing all this because it's authentic -the struggle, the internal conflict and I think this situation brings up so much intensity and mood swings. It's ok. S sounds like he goes with the flow and I get your push and pull internal feelings -you want him there.... but not really....

  7. #2336
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I really appreciate you sharing all this because it's authentic -the struggle, the internal conflict and I think this situation brings up so much intensity and mood swings. It's ok. S sounds like he goes with the flow and I get your push and pull internal feelings -you want him there.... but not really....
    Uhhhg, I've repeated this pattern over and over in different ways. My oldest son moved home twice and I went from being happy to have him, to being relieved when he was staying the night at his gf's. He moves out and - I cry. Twice. But while he was here I found myself avoiding him.

    I went through the attachments styles in therapy. . I guessed anxious attachment the therapist said no, ambivalent. Sums it up, pretty much.

  8. #2337
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Thanks for sharing this, reinvent. And big hugs.

    I can so relate, in my own way. Until quite recently, I lived my whole life aloneŚless a conscious choice than, I think, the natural result of a related impulse. I love people, and probably love being around them more than not, but I often feel I can't fully "recharge" unless I'm on my own. I throw the dinner party, sometimes literally, while also longing for the party to end before it starts.

    S, from what you've shared, certainly sounds like he's got a great nature to compliment this. Of course, that does not change the way it feels, inside. It's a bit woo-woo and yogic, I know, but have you ever met these feelings with the thought of: they are okay, they are exactly what you're supposed to be feeling, when you feel them? Works for meŚa bit, at times.

  9. #2338
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Thanks for sharing this, reinvent. And big hugs.

    I can so relate, in my own way. Until quite recently, I lived my whole life aloneŚless a conscious choice than, I think, the natural result of a related impulse. I love people, and probably love being around them more than not, but I often feel I can't fully "recharge" unless I'm on my own. I throw the dinner party, sometimes literally, while also longing for the party to end before it starts.

    S, from what you've shared, certainly sounds like he's got a great nature to compliment this. Of course, that does not change the way it feels, inside. It's a bit woo-woo and yogic, I know, but have you ever met these feelings with the thought of: they are okay, they are exactly what you're supposed to be feeling, when you feel them? Works for meŚa bit, at times.
    I don't think it's woo woo at all -makes a lot of sense to me!

  10. #2339
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Thanks to both of you! (group hug)

    A big thanks for the reminder BC. Sometimes wrestling with something makes it worse. Often times it calls for acceptance and letting go. This is one of them. This is who I am. I just need to embrace it.

    Not the best day yesterday. Too much time on my hands isn't always a good thing.

    On top of everything my mom's home is finally in escrow. Without going into it too much (because I'll just get worked up over it) my mother's place is considered a coop. They operate by their own by laws and it's not like conventional real estate. So they basically interpret the terms to their benefit. It changes daily.

    Every day there is something they demand, from the return of her ID card, or the fine is $500. Mind you she died in 2018. Why this is a condition of escrow 18 mo later makes me livid. Good thing I still had it.
    My brother worked for the US government with Sec4 clearance and a lost card would cost $25.

    Typical home inspections cost $250. They charge $1500. . .and so and so on.

    Anyway . .I said I wouldn't go into it. (ha!) But it's something every day and they'll figure out a way to spend the $8k deposit before we are done. Mind you, due the pandemic we sacrificed 40k from the asking price.

    It's so emotionally tied, because it's my mom's place. The last thing left in the long list of things to wrap up since she passed away. It's almost over, but in this current tense environment it isn't helping me sleep at night.

    I lied awake last night and promised myself I wasn't going to fret over it any of anymore. I dropped what I was doing in the middle of the day yesterday (while on the clock) to meet an inspector(who didn't show and hasn't returned my call) to discuss these trees they want to remove at our expense? My mom never planted trees and doesn't the HOA pay for the grounds keep? I give up. You can't win with these people and they know it.

    Uhg. . I am just not answering my phone or emails for the next week. No matter what they'll think of ways to keep the 8k. It's just not worth it anymore. Like my signature, it is what it is.

    It's going to be in the 90's here! Luckily S's home has the best yard with palms trees. We'll sit outside all weekend and hopefully drink enough wine that I won't care.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 04-24-2020 at 11:54 AM.

  11. #2340
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I picked up the escrow check last week and cried all the way home. It's just such a weird feeling that I will never return to her home again. Old grief flushes back up and I am home alone with hours to reflect on things. Last week was a blur.

    I am here at work today.. The only one in the office and though I am done, I am so happy to be out of the house I don't want to go back!

    I've gone on and on about the changes at my work over the years and how my job has become so redundant. Now having just read an article about the top 3 industries impacted from the pandemic (just one persons opinion) Of course, department stores. They've been suffering for a while. All of this just puts a nail in it. The second one I don't recall because I jumped ahead to the third. `office operations' Commercial real estate and office leasing has been plummeting over the years and now with everyone figuring out to manage remotely, the office culture we've come accustomed to will never look the same. Without that, there is no job for me. That hasn't been much of one prior to this. Meanwhile I just wait to see how this all plays out.

    I lay awake planning my strategy. What freaked me out before, doesn't today. I think it's because I won't be alone in all of this and there (hopefully) will be financial aid that is ongoing. I don't think I'll need it, but it's the healthcare that keeps me awake at night. Deep breath. . . wait n' see

    I don't think I mentioned it but my youngest son and his wife are expecting! They are having a gender reveal party on Saturday and what was supposed to be immediate, social distancing family only. . maybe 10 of us - is now 30. Ugh. Darn kids! I can't say anything other than rsvp yes or no. I'll go, but I might not stay. I will play it by ear. But I have to say I am so excited!

    We could use a little excitement right now to take our minds off of other things.
    Stay tuned!


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