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Thread: Another online daing journal

  1. #2151
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    I am so sorry :(

  2. #2152
    Member Larkin's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear the sad news, reinvent. Condolences to you and your family.

  3. #2153
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    Iím so sorry for your and your familyís loss, reinvent.

  4. #2154
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Just wanted to share some recent happy moments.
    Mother & Son dance
    And the newlyweds.
    How cute are they?

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  6. #2155
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Lovely

  7. #2156
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    3 weeks today since she passed away. It still doesn't seem real.
    The grief sneaks up on me at inopportune times and when I least expect it.
    I read something today about mourning the loss of your mother -
    They were there for your first breath and in return you are there for their last.

    I knew I couldn't keep her forever, but I wasn't ready to say goodbye.

    Putting together the pieces, there are indications that she might have known more than she let on. Her doctor had been mine for over 20 years and I know him well. She knew something and chose to not take care of it. The Dr alludes to having warned her. He's called me a couple times, inviting me to call him back to talk, I have so many questions but I don't think I can handle hearing the answers.

    I am still cycling in an angry stage because she was pretty cavalier about it. `I've led a good life and when it's my time. . blah, blah, blah'. But in the end she suffered, was frightened and regretful. It makes me really angry.

    Most of all I feel gutted. The service was last week and tomorrow my brother and I meet with an attorney. Even though my mother was very organized, settling someones estate is complicated. So much so we don't know where to start, so we have to hire someone to hold our hand and sort it out.

    I dread Christmas. I am hating Christmas songs. That over used saying `seeing my life pass before my eyes' is surreal right now. I grieve my Dad all over again and flashbacks of my entire childhood with my parents flash before me.

    In the meantime I just got a text from the woman that took in my mom's 12 year old dog. At the very last minute this woman came out of no where (long story) and took on a very spoiled 4 lb Yorkie that never had a yard. My mom walked her several times a day and in between used pee pads. (sorta) So, she's not house trained. My mom always insisted Coco was afraid of other dogs. But the truth is my mom was anxious and overprotective about the dog, she picked her up every time one came near.

    Coco's new owner had just adopted a 14 year blind dog and took in her fathers 9 year old dog when he died. I asked this woman if she was an angel. Seriously.

    Coco is now the pack leader, the alpha dog, steals the largest dogs bed and runs around a back yard that she never had before. In 12 years Coco never experienced being off a leash to run around.

    If my mom had her wishes and her kids respecting them, we would have put her down the day this woman showed up. It still makes me shake my head. I don't know what I believe in, but I don't think this was a coincidence. My brother and I had left the mortuary and I picked up my phone to call the vet where Coco was boarded and saw the text. The rest is history.

    I can't make this stuff up. We often joked that my Mom loved this dog more than her own children.
    I am sure my mother is waiting for her dog and is probably mad at us. But I can live with that.
    After all, I am still mad at her.

    Little Coco, hoarding Harley, the french bulldog's bed:
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 12-10-2018 at 07:47 PM.

  8. #2157
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Iím so happy that little Coco found a home :)

    My thoughts are with you and your family during this holiday season.

  9. #2158
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
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    awwww....little coco! Don't be angry at your mom. She did the best she could. My mom died 2 years ago. Colon cancer. She insisted that she was NEVER going to have a colonoscopy...even tho she was having issues down there. When the pain got so great, she agreed. By then it was to late. She died in 5 weeks. But....she was going down hill. Maybe she would have lived another 3 years (without the cancer) but it would not have been a happy, productive (or even happy, unproductive) life.
    She didn't want to die. She became very depressed when after the surgery, she found out the cancer had spread. She said she didn't want to leave her children. (mostly my sister)

    So even tho we lost her YEARS before we needed to, or should have...in reality it was a blessing. She didn't have to linger a slow death, and her mind was starting to fail her.

    Maybe your mom was in the same boat. Gone toosoon....but would SHE have been better off to live a longer life? Would it have been a painfree (mentally and physically) existence? Was she sad at the end that she was dying? I think everyone has a fear at the very end...on what is going to be on the other side.
    My dad fought death til the very end.

    So. At the end of this all....let your anger go. Talk to your mom. Forgive her.

    I'm sorry for your lose of your dear mom....but think...your mom's beloved coco is living life to the fullest now! *smiles*

  10. #2159
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry if I didn't sound sympathetic. I really am. Especially at Christmas, it's going to hurt even more.
    I just wanted to say....Forgive.

  11. #2160
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I'm realizing my pattern of losing people in my life and becoming overly self reliant. So much so I close my heart and practice not counting on others. It's a defense mechanism.

    The boyfriend is still in another state taking care of his parents medical issues and as time goes by if feel myself checking out of the relationship. It's not what I want and I struggle to not let it happen.

    It's no fault of his, but I've handled my mothers passing for the most by myself. It just seems to be a pattern in my life.

    I spent last weekend with him. It's only the 2nd time I've seen him in 2 months. I just dont feel connected.
    It's to be expected to some degree, I suppose.

    I think he can sense it so he tries harder. No doubt my physical and emotional distance is probably making him feel insecure. I don't have much in my reserve for reassurance.

    I just want my old life back when things weren't so complicated. So much of it feels upside down.

    I'm trying to be patient with myself and resist blowing things up but I've just gotten my 4th I love you and it's only lunch time.


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