What to do (?) Dating an addict.

I've been dating someone new for the last 2 months. It's emerged recently that she has a problem with Cocaine. I knew she liked to use it occasionally, but I didn't know the extent of the problem until very recently.

We got on great for the first month or so, but then she'd start telling little lies and making accusations against me that I had cheated on her. The lies where to cover up her Coke usage, e.g. I fell asleep on a friends sofa so I didn't get home till 6am, when actually she had been up with them all night doing Coke. The accusations where a result of her paranoia and only came out either when she was high or the morning after when she was still not 100% together. The other day she had an all day binge while I was with her and she went a wild. She was a mess. I stayed with her for a while to see if I could help, but she just carried on. I ended up leaving and going home as I couldn't take it anymore. She was accusing me of all sorts and she was preventing me from getting on with my day as I felt I needed to be their supporting her. That day she drove me away completely really and coupled with a few other lies and quite a bit of bickering for a week or two before, I switched off and ended things with her.

We're still in contact on the phone, etc. I do really like this girl and right now I am not 100% sure what to do. I don't know whether I like her enough to risk being with her. I don't know if she's going to be willing or able to get help for her problem just yet. Coke was the catalyst to all of the problems we had in the relationship, so without that it could work, but I just don't know. It's hard to tell whether its worth taking the risk after such a short amount of time knowing someone. I have experience with addiction in my family, so I can relate and understand what's going on for her, which helps. I don't judge her. I am not sure what to do. Right now she's back with her family after the all day binge the other day. She knows she has a real problem and says she never wants to get like that again. She's ashamed and says she hates coke, but I don't know if she's ready to give it up and get help. It's all around her, where she works and amongst her group of friends.

I don't know man, maybe if she gets clean give it another go but it sounds like she has too serious of a problem right now to be in a relationship. The craziness will be never ending with her.

Let me give you some perspective.

My younger brother has been an addict for 10+ years. He's in his late 20s now. He's tried everything including heroin. Let me tell you - this isn't going away overnight. Although it has been hard for me to accept, addiction is considered a disease. What that means is - they may not be able to simply wish it away.

My brother dated a gorgeous, intelligent girl for several years. She would have done anything for him. He abused her, stole from her, and wrecked her life for several years.

He has been through rehab several times, and always went back to drugs. He has damaged his heart, brain, lungs, liver, undergone a few serious surgeries, and he's still at it. After taking heroin one night, he had a stroke, paralyzing one side of his body. He still did heroin after that.

The addiction and desire for drugs is stronger than anything to her - even her desire for a relationship. When people are addicted, they are simply animals. They will do anything, including stealing and physically hurting others, to get their next fix. Staying in a relationship with a person like this is not only unhealthy, but it is dangerous. On a few occasions, my brother told my dad he owed a drug dealer money. If he didn't pay, the person was going to kill him. My dad gave him the money. We'll never know if it was the truth or a lie to get money, but imagine a drug dealer showing up at your place to hunt down your girlfriend. You could be hurt or killed. Take this very seriously. It happens!

Also, consider that once you are victimized by a person like this, you will have emotional scars that will take a long time to heal. It will impact your daily life, and your ability to function normally in other romantic relationships.

After everything I have seen, my advice to you is to run, not walk, away from this girl. You can't help her. With so many women out there, find someone without this problem.

I agree w/ the above. 2 months is a very short time invested in the relationship. I know it still hurts and I know there are probably many great things about this girl but the reality is this will get worse over time. Her behaviors, her use, etc. it'll just get worse. She may say she wants to get clean or help or whatever right now but in truth even IF she does (statistically the chances are really low) it's a long difficult road and after only 2 months I think it's really risky. Personally I'd cut ties and go. I know it's so much easier said than done but it's really now or later, later being after months, possibly years of this roller coaster before finally ending it.

She's showing you who she is, don't try to sugar coat it or fantasize about it getting better. My advice...walk. Best thing for you, start NC. Hugs!!

You need to run for the hills!

findingmeandyou .......what a powerful post that was . Blessings to you and your family x

Having had some cousins with this disease, I'd say you need to get out while you can. Until she seeks help it is only going to get worse.

The sad truth is, drugs are her number one priority in life, and will come before anyone and anything. You're simply not equipped to change or fix her, as even with intensive therapy the chances of relapsing are higher than the chances of remaining clean.

I'm sure you do care for her, but this is a battle you'll never win.

Don't, don't, don't base your reason for staying with someone on hoping they will get better. She wil NOT. You cannot help her. You are showing distinct signs of being a caretaker (which is the dysfunctional opposite of caregiver and a symptom of a codependent personality). Don't let your white knight emerge to save her but instead aim your lance towards yourself and save yourself from a life of turmoil, lying, cheating and shady behaviour as well as financial difficulty.

Even if she were to quit today, she shouldn't be in any type of relationship for at least one year of sobriety. If she were to quit cold turkey and without the support of a therapist or a 12 step programme then her chances of re-abusing are doubled.

You don't need someone in your life that you need to fix. Go cold turkey withdrawl from her. Zero contact and give her the gift of getting on with her life either by smartening up and getting the help she needs or screwing up her life. She is the only one who can control which path she takes. You continuing to talk to her (in any form) is enabling behaviour and more likely then not for your own benefit. Leave her be after you tell her that you can't be with someone who abuses drugs or alcohol. You'll be doing her a favor if you don't enable her in any way.

I have a closefamily member who was a drug addict for most of his teen years. The only thing that helped him was being sent to a special school for several years, it was like a drug-rehab/bootcampe/high school rolled into one.

Addicts often HATE their addiction but they would step over their own mothers dead body to get the next fix. Walk away.

Coke was the catalyst to all of the problems we had in the relationship, so without that it could work, but I just don't know.

You have never dated her when she was not doing coke, so you don't really know this.

Also, if she were able to kick her addiction, chances are a whole bunch of other issues will resurface (the ones she was using to get away from), and those may affect the relationship greatly.

You have barely any dating history with her; you're not married; you don't have children. If I were you I'd end it.

It might seem like coke is the only issue here, but I have a feeling she has a bunch of emotional issues as well, since she needs to use coke. If I were you I'd use the scare tactic. This is what I did with my brother and it actually eventually worked. If he tried coke I'd go out of my way to look up articles about it. It's a really dangerous drug. One of my ex's friends (back from 10 years ago) used coke just one time, and it damaged his spine somehow and now he can't walk or talk and is pretty much a vegetable. Life is over for him sadly, and he wasn't even addicted to it yet... Coke is really expensive and also, it never ever makes the user feel perfectly fine because the high usually lasts for only 30 mins and then addicts have to have more. That's why she will have coke all day long...it doesn't last. She probably won't stop anytime soon, but you really should scare her. Another story from my brother: he was once at this party somewhere in the city and a girl he was with did coke along with alcohol and a few other things. She went up to my brother and told him she felt really sick. My brother told her she'd be fine and the high would wear off...later that night she collapsed. She was brought to the hospital...and she was only 15 years old. She didn't make it until morning. She passed away. My brother is still haunted by this, and he's finally quit using any drugs. It's a sad reality...but drugs users die, and cocaine is one of the worse and most dangerous ones she can be addicted to. It only takes one bad dose and it's over for her. You can either scare her to try and get her to stop or leave her.

Yes... give her any educational material you can on the drug and then leave and never look back. Caregivers support and let go of expectations and outcomes. Caretakers stick around and hope that their motivations will get them what the want... and they keep doing it over and over and over.

There aren't many rules in dating. But you can take to heart that the advice to never date an active cocaine addict is a good one.

There aren't many rules in dating. But you can take to heart that the advice to never date an active cocaine addict is a good one.

Maybe we should make a master list of those few rules to always follow in dating.

Maybe we should make a master list of those few rules to always follow in dating.

Indeed! Another one is - don't start dating someone who is separated, living with his/her ex, and expect a committed, healthy, long-term relationship.

Indeed! Another one is - don't start dating someone who is separated, living with his/her ex, and expect a committed, healthy, long-term relationship.

Don't date a sex offender. It amazes me when threads show up from women, usually with children, saying things like, "Ya, he is a sex offended BUT it was a total misundertanding blah blah blah."

If you're signing on to be this woman's social worker, it won't work. Lovers who stick around are enablers. An addict needs to lose people in order to gain perspective, and you cannot help her 'see' this through your 'love'--so skip that idea.

Go to an Alanon meeting several times and ask for a sponsor to learn what you'll be up against if you opt to continue messing around in this mine field. They will not try to talk you into or out of anything--they'll just give you the info you need to make the best choice for you.

I hope you make a wise choice.

Don't date a sex offender. It amazes me when threads show up from women, usually with children, saying things like, "Ya, he is a sex offended BUT it was a total misundertanding blah blah blah."

Very good one!

Get out, you will only end up being hurt yourself.

My highschool sweatheart was a coke head.. It went from only using on special occasions, to guys nights as well, to weekends..Every weekend.. Then Sundays included and then Thursday too cuz why not? Then it turned into have a cd case with lines on it hidden under the bed to wake up and do in the morning.. Our relationship fell apart, he started doing perks and oxys, everyday. Destroyed his body, was sick all the time, looked sick, couldnt be intimate with me cuz he was high all the time, couldn't keep it up, didn't have sex for 6 months.. (I blamed it all on myself till I found out the extent of his addiction) he started getting involved with the HA, selling and dealing for them, started owing money and doing risky things to pay it back like robbing a shop, turned out he owed a lot and they threatened to come after his family. I finally left him and was so much better off. He couldn't get clean and ran away up north, I hear from his family ever now and then but all I can say is your better off not getting involved or attached or thinking she can change for you.

I guess I'm one of those caretaker kinds of people.. I've been with an alcoholic for 3 years and it's a constant battle of him drinking or staying sober.. He won't ever change, his anger his rage his lies and unfaithfulness.. I believed he could change and would for me because he's a sweet talker and knows just what to say.. He can be sober for months and months and then goes back at it. The problem lies deeper then the addiction.. A lot of issues go with it.. He's not a stable person and he's destroyed me. Yet I'm still with him because I love him and believe he can be different (believe me I know I'm that dumb blind person and I know it will never change) some how I'm still stuck with him and haven't found the courage to leave.

Do yourself a huge favour.. Let her figure it out on her own.. It will benefit you and your soul and your sanity.