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Thread: Living a Nightmare. In so much pain. Need to Divorce

  1. #21
    Platinum Member BellaDonna's Avatar
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    My cousin is an attorney so I am going to turn to him for the legal end of things.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    I'm glad you have an attorney in the family to help you. Consider for a short while collecting any "evidence". Keyloggers, etc. Maybe take some screenshots on the sly. Get copies of everything.

    I am not saying this to be vindictive but given his incest fantasies, yes, I am worried about your son in the future. I think it's important to collect evidence with the advice of your attorney so maybe you can score supervised visits only, no overnights, so you can be sure that your son is safe.

    My heart breaks for you two but I know you will be okay because you are clearly a strong women. I'm very impressed that you're already getting money together and making a plan.

  3. #23
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    bella I am so very sorry to read this , and can only imagine what kind of hell you are going through .

    I don't know that I can add more to these wonderful posts except to say you have my love and support as well .

    These sites should be banned ..there shouldn't be loop holes that make them passable for the internet . That I know , doesn;t take away your pain right now ..but I think we are all just sickened .

    hugs my darling , and again , I am very very sorry to read this xxxx

  4. #24
    Platinum Member tiredofvampires's Avatar
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    What a horrible shock, Bella. I'm just aghast, and can imagine it must feel like some dream; someone else's bad dream.

    You're right that this is probably something that has been going on for a very long time for him, psychologically. I've heard it suggested that it forms within the psyche fairly early in life, almost as a sexual orientation. Of course, external influences and experiences shape it, so it's the old nature-nuture question. I'm wondering...when you got to know your husband, and at the time you married, how deeply did you feel you knew eachother? Did you talk about and share your pasts and histories, and inner lives with one another in other ways? I know these reflective questions won't heal the rage and disgust and fear right now, but it may be useful when the questions arise.

    This is a sickness, and he surely knows it. He has hid it because who wants to admit that to themselves -- that they can't and never will lead a normal life? Of course, it has robbed you, but keep in mind that he was probably trying to deny it even to himself. He wanted to pretend even to himself that he wasn't as ill as he is. This is a compulsive sickness that only gets worse with time, and he was betting on the wrong side of that. (I've read that CBT can sometimes be used to treat it, but I wouldn't stick around through that.)

    I'm so terribly sorry you're going through this, but you're going to pull through. Yes, your son will be a child of divorce, but he has love, he's been raised with love during his most formative years, and he's got a strong mother, and so he will be okay. There are a lot of well-adjusted men out there whose parents divorced, or were the product of single-parent families. Later, when he's older, he'll understand more, but for now, he just needs to know that he is protected and safe, and you'll be giving that to him.

    You're strong to the core, remember that.

    My heart goes out to you in this time of pain. You're doing the right thing and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

    ((HUGS))
    Last edited by tiredofvampires; 12-27-2014 at 05:53 PM.

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  6. #25
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    I've heard it suggested that it forms within the psyche fairly early in life, almost as a sexual orientation.
    yes vamps I have also heard the same ..I don't believe ,at say 28 , you just suddenly develop a taste for this at all .

    for you bella to find this out after you have shared so much is going to take some absorbing , my heart goes out to you darling . We never think of the wife or the partner of these people do we ..we just think of them and what they do ... the trail of destruction ..but there is another story and that is your story .

  7. #26
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    Oh my gosh- I'm so so sorry BellaDonna- my heart just sunk when I saw your thread title.

    You have my utmost respect for not trying to make excuses for him or trying to figure out a way to "fix" this situation. What he is doing is disgusting and I am so sorry you have been mislead and betrayed in this manner.

    I echo avman's post- please consult with an attorney (so glad you have one in the family) and move through all the points of separation/divorce with his advice.

    I am so outraged on your behalf- and so outraged on behalf of all these naive girls who have had their pictures used like this.

    It worries me that his behavior is escalating- especially the fact that he couldn't even control himself on Christmas Day with your son sitting a few feet away. Just...ugh.

    You are strong and smart and will get through this. Biggest ((hugs)) to you.

  8. #27
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    Bella, you are doing all the right things. The shock of it all must be huge. Wow! He has been living a double life for a looong time. At least you found out. He must sense that something is up...you cannot act like everything is hunky dory now, can you? He may think your behavior is off because of the upcoming surgery. Best wishes on your surgery. Get that done and be done with him. I am so sorry this turned out this way. It is always hard to reconsile what we thought things were to what they really were. It is such a mindbender. May you and your son find peace....chi

  9. #28
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Just saw this now. Bella, I am so so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. I haven't read all the responses yet but just wanted to say that make sure you collect as much evidence as possible. Save everything! Also, seeking legal advice would be a very good idea at this point too.
    If at all possible, surround yourself with strong, positive people who you know you can trust.

    My thoughts are with you and sending you many hugs. Stay strong! Wishing you all the best with your surgery too. ~hugs~

  10. #29
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    Just popping back on bella to send you my love ..this is one of the saddest stories I have read on ena and you really have been in my thoughts xxxxx

  11. #30
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    My heart goes out to you. If you're afraid for him to know that you know, then don't tell him. Do what you need to do after your surgery, and you can say that your surgery woke you up to the fact that you're unhappy in the marriage and suspect that he is also--and get yourself safely out of the house.

    I'd contact my local women's shelter for a referral to support and counseling, and I'd also meet with a lawyer to find out your options and the best way to position yourself before initiating a separation.

    We're here for you, and write more if it helps.

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