Living a Nightmare. In so much pain. Need to Divorce

ENA, I am turning to you now in a time of great pain. I never thought I would be the author of a post like this. I do not want to share too many specific details, but the gist of my situation is that I've been married for over 11 years, with my husband for almost 20 years total, we have a young son, and my what I thought my life was is now rapidly falling apart.

For the last few months or so, I've been noticing some really odd behaviors from my husband. For one, we've had a healthy sex life and he has not ever had an issue with losing erections. For the past month he has not been able to climax, and chalked it up to "being tired" "being overfull from eating too much", etc. I figured maybe this was part of a man's natural aging, so I didn't think too much of it but it did seem very strange. It has not happened in 11 years of marriage.

He has a rotating days off during the week when I am at work, and I noticed that on his weekdays off, nothing at all would get done around the house. It would be a mess when I came home and he wouldn't accomplish any of the errands he wanted to do. I wondered how he was spending the 8 hours a day when he was alone.

Finally, he has started acting very suspicious with his cell phone. It never leaves his side, he sleeps with it next to him, applied a passcode lock to get into the phone, and on my iTunes account I saw that he installed an app called "photolock". I could sense something very worrying, and I decided to take a step to find out what the hell was going on. I managed to catch a glimpse of his passcode. One night while he was sleeping, I took his phone and signed into it, and was devastated to find something I would have never expected.

My husband is a pornography addict. He spends the majority of his day on "jailbait" websites, e-mailing links to himself on his phone for later viewing. The images he is looking at are of preteen girls. Some of these children look no older than 12 or 13.

He is a member of at least 6 "jailbait" forums in which he comments on photos of young girls. Apparently these sites are not illegal because these are images that are taken from the web, such as facebook or snapchat and then posted by perverts for sexual purposes. In the images the girls are not nude but have on bikinis, etc. Other sites are full porn, depicting young women posing as preteens. I would estimate they are 18 year olds, but look younger than their age.

On Christmas morning my husband and I had sex. After our son opened his gifts from Santa, I went to take a shower and get dressed. Apparently my husband used that 15 minute opportunity to go on a jailbait website. This means he was looking at porn in the same room as my son who was playing under the Christmas tree.

Aside from his fixation on preteen children, he also appears to have a fixation on incest and rape. Other video links that he sent to himself were things like "brother rapes his younger sister when parents are not home". When I discovered all this, I had a panic attack like no other. I've been throwing up and dry heaving since Christmas, and I've had to fake a stomach virus.

An affair with a woman would be much easier for me to take. Run of the mill porn I would just chalk up to boredom and hormones. But I cannot contend with someone who has fantasies about raping preteen girls. I cannot contend with someone who will watch porn on Christmas morning in the same room as his 7 year-old son. He does not know that I know yet. In a few days I have to have a surgery and I'd have no where to go and no one to take care of my son when I am recovering I have to somehow hold out until my surgery passes.

If I knew he has this sickness inside him I would have never married him. It disgusts me to the core and I have lost all respect for him as a man. I cannot share a bed with someone who gets off to images of 12 year old girls. I don't know who he is. I don't know what he is capable of. I don't know if he is involved in more such as chatting or meeting up with people. Is he a pedophile? I don't know if I need to get tested for STD's now. I am scared of what will happen when I tell him what I know. Will he try to rape me or hurt me? Will he be afraid this info is known by me? I'd like to think that he never take these feelings and put them into action, but I cannot be sure. He is a stranger to me.

I've asked myself again and again about the "why". Why did he do this? Was he abused as a child? But it is not a problem I want to be around to solve. Spending time on pondering "why" only takes away my energy further. I need to get out of here.

I need to make a plan to leave after my surgery. I do not want to stay in this home. I need to be the one to leave and get away from him. I do not want him anywhere physically near me.

The best case scenario is that when I tell him I know this about him and that I am leaving, he will agree to be civil for the sake of our child. But I have a feeling it will not be that way. I'm very scared of the future and very, very sad for my son.

I have only told 2 family members and this forum.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

Ohhhh honey. I am so so so sorry. You know the right answer and it doesn't make it any easier. Is there any other way that somebody else can look after you after your surgery? Can you cancel your surgery at all? Take the proper steps you need to do to protect yourself and your son. Also think of calling the police because what he's doing is criminal and abuse of those other children.

I am so so sorry. Hugs.

I can't postpone the surgery sadly. I have a month off from work, starting Monday. I need to have the surgery during this window of time. I also can't postpone it any further, for my own health.

Apparently the sites he is on with the underage girls (that I know of) are not illegal because the girls are clothed, albeit scantily clothed, and people pull their images off the web. It still does not make it ok for me though and it is still disgusting to me because they are being looked at in a sexual light.

No ,I can't imagine it makes it any easier. I just can't imagine what you're going through.

It's been a nightmare. I was really bad for a few days but I am calmer today and can think a little more clearly about what I need to do.

There is no way my marriage could recover from this and no way I could ever be near him again after knowing this. It goes against the core of my very being. It's done.

I would do the same. I can understand that you feel so devastated. Someone that you spent half your life with turns out to be someone else. Someone that you don't even know. That is so horribly devastating.

Hugs

BellaDonna,

My heart aches for you. I'm glad you're feeling calmer and more resolute in your thinking. It's very sickening and I think for most people, yes, it would be over. I think your husband is extremely sick (literally and figuratively) and I'm so sorry he hid this from you and I wouldn't trust him around any children. You need to protect yourself and your son.

Have you confronted him? What is your next step?

I am so, so sorry. We are here for you.

When I met him, he was 18. I can't help but wonder when this sickness started to develop. Was it always inside him? I doubt he just woke up one day and said "today is the kind of day that has raping sisters, and statutory rape written all over it, I think I'll try that porn out for the first time today"

My guess is he's probably always had this going on to some degree but the internet made it easier in the early 2000's and now a high tech smartphone make it portable, convenient and easier to access, but also harder for him to hide, as I accessed it.

It is very sad to think that he's lived a lie and dragged me into it. Could he have ever really loved me? I doubt it. How does a person with those propensities love anyone? I'm just the wife-object-front which allowed him appear normal.

If I knew this about him I would have ran in the other direction. I was a virgin when I met him. He is the only person I have ever been with in my life. I thought we had something special together. Apparently he prefers 12 year-old virgins and takes for granted everything he has in his life.

Also, Bella, I have no idea what kind of surgery you are getting but if it's important to your health, I think you're right to continue with it.

I had most of my stomach removed a year ago to lose weight. I was in a bad relationship at the time. Knew I needed to leave. I held on through he surgery because I'd be on disability for a month and there was no way I could break it off and then go through with surgery. I'm glad I waited. Had I broken up and then done it, well, it would have been a lot harder.

Bella,

I knew a guy in college who confided in me that he liked younger. His girlfriend now is his age (25) but she has always struggled with anorexia so she looks like she's 15, no joke. She's like the only person he can be with. I told him that I think he's going to get in trouble someday and he shouldn't be indulging it and he said "I don't know, probably" and blew it off.

He had it since he was young but didn't tell anyone. I do think it starts young.

I don't believe pedos are able to be rehabilitated, only repressed. He is very sick, yes. I have a drink that when you confront him, he may pull the "I'm sick" card and beg you to stay. Sadly, the urges are still there and it will be a never ending battle for him to fight them, if he even does. There is so much at risk for you and your son. The fact that he stopped sexually performing speaks volumes.

He is not able to be in a relationship. He is not fixable. This is not your fault. He lied and totally blindsided you.

I really hope you can divorced asap and your son will be okay and I hope you have the support of your family and friends.

BellaDonna, words fail me, but am sending all of the healing vibes and strength and good energy possible to support you. And hugs for you and your little one.

I don't believe pedos are able to be rehabilitated, only repressed.

I agree with you.

Something like that is deep and it does not just stop. It's part of who the person is and ideas they have about sexuality. He won't change. He'll just be sorry that he got caught and he will go through greater lengths to hide it.

I'm no puritan. I am pretty open-minded and would have been open to talking about his fantasies. If he was just looking at adult porn I would not even care. He knows I'd be opposed to underage girls and rape though. The idea that he would just lie and live a double life enrages me. It's part of a sick, selfish delusion that he can just do as he pleases and not care who he could hurt. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too: He wants a wife and a nice home and to live the cookie cutter dream, while putting me through a nightmare once I found out about his disgusting habits. You can't have both good and evil. That's where he went wrong.

I hope to God that his was only something he did online and that he never acted on it. I need to try to find out what is inside his "photolock" app which is another reason I have not confronted him yet, aside from the surgery. I need to know if he is chatting and sending photos of himself or if he has illegal images on his phone.

I am so sorry, BD. I wish I knew what to say. Sending hugs your way.

I will be ok. It will be hell and disruption for a while for me, but it's my son that my heart breaks the most for. No matter what, and no matter how much I try to shield him and try to make things seem happy and normal, I know that being a child of divorce will be hard for him.

I am trying to put money aside so that I can put a deposit on an apartment nearby so that my son will not have to change schools. I don't plan on making my husband's life miserable. I am hoping he will be civil with me. I just need to get out. I can't be with him. I've turned cold to him now. feel disgust, and just want to be away. It is hard for me to mourn a loss of a relationship which I now see as never being real or pure. It was all a façade for him, and that makes it easier for me to walk away. I'd be holding on an illusion otherwise.

Would you consider having him leave, and you and your son staying in your home?

I thought about it. But I don't want to be in this house anymore. The whole thing disgusts me and the false pretenses we've lived under amongst these walls makes me ill.

I need a safe place of my own to get away from this.

I am so sorry! I also experienced something like this with a partner who was living a double life and remember well the sense of shock and betrayal one feels on such a deep level.

The important thing to know is that of course he KNOWS this kind of secret fantasy life is not acceptable and that he will only be able to share it with those who are like minded such as himself. And he gets a sense of validation and a secret little thrill at finding a community that supports these kinds of sick and anti-social pursuits.

One piece of advice i will give you is to make no mistake in confusing your image of your 'beloved' with what he is capable of and this facet of his true and hidden self. Be thankful you have a son and not a daughter because of his particular sickness BUT i find it extremely concerning that he is searching for things that involve incest and brother/sister situations. You just don't know how far a leap it would be for him to get into father/son incest fantasies. So I think in the interests of protecting your child, you need to first save all the evidence of what he has been doing, whether that is screenshots or photos of these things on his phone if you can't access online phone records of his searches and inclination. I do believe for the sake of your son that after you move out and drop the bomb that you know what he is doing, you need to consult a lawyer and also get him professionally evaluated before you give him unsupervised visitation with your son. One can only hope his inclinations don't extend that far, but the fact that he is pursuing incest fantasies means you have to err on the side of caution and protect your son. There is a chance he is struggling to control these thoughts in relation to your son or other young children that he knows, but you have no real way of evaluating whether he has acted on this with others or it is still in the fantasy stage.

Next, i know you are horrified and shell shocked now, but I know that you WILL eventually feel better and recover from this. It will take a while due to the long association you've had with him, BUT you will recover and can go on to find a normal man without these sick fantasies. Right now your focus should be on getting your life together, protecting your son, and establishing an identity separate from your husband. Focus on YOU and what is right for YOU and your son, and don't be distracted from that. For a while it will probably feel like sleepwalking and you'll have a real sense of unreality (i.e., this can't really be happening), but trust your gut here and the evidence you have found, and keep that as your guide to help you do what it takes to protect yourself and your child through a divorce and negotiating child custody and whether he should even be allowed to have unsupervised visitation with your son until your son is old enough to protect himself if necessary.

I would suggest, even before you let him know what you knjow and move out, that you contact a lawyer about what to do to get that evidence off his phone so that you can use it in your child custody hearings to protect your son. Since he has already lived a double life for all these years and covered it up, so i'm sure he'll just deny, deny, deny if you don't have some evidence to show he is having sexual fantasies about children and incest. So you need to stay strong and with the help of a lawyer chart the right course to protecting your son.

It will be very hard for a while, but you are a strong woman and know what you need to do. Just don't underestimate how sick he is just because you didn't see this side of him before. People with these kinds of problems go deep underground and do live double lives because they know it is not acceptable and possibly illegal if the sites or photos he is swapping with others are actually underage children or true cases of incest. There is no guarantee that these photos are 'legal' and if he is associating with these scumbags who trade photos of underage girls and fantasize about incest, eventually he can and will commit something illegal, even inadvertently, but it is still illegal.

I worked with a man who was into this kind of thing and they did an online sting where they busted dozens of these men who were trolling after underage porn and children. The police marched right into the office and confiscated his work PC because it had evidence that he'd been engaging in these activities and associating with known child predators and exchanging information, photos, and referrals to children they could prey on.

Your husband can pretend he didn't mean to do anything illegal, but if he does the crime he will do the time, and merely associating with these scumbags has a high probability of ending badly for him (and potentially badly for children who are exchanged for these purposes). These scumbags will sometimes trade their own children (i.e., meet up at hotels to trade a boy child of their own to another scumbag who likes boys, for a chance at the other scumbag's girl child). So make no mistake that this kind of thing is SERIOUS business and your first priority here is gathering that evidence to protect your own son, and moving out as soon as possible and getting a lawyer to file for sole custody and supervised visitation only to protect your son.

Get thru your surgery, then get out. There is a lot you can do now over the phone including finding a lawyer and talking to them on how to get the evidence off your husband's phone. You need to do that before he gets any hint you're onto him and deletes everything. It is of upmost necessity to protect your son.

btw, the most important thing i can tell you is to turn your outrage, disgust, and pain into action! Don't yield to any promises he makes to 'change' that are more fear based because he got caught than because he feels it was wrong. If he felt it was wrong, he wouldn't be hooking up with all these other scumbags with the same 'hobby.; As other posters have said, this is a deep seated inclination and these people rarely change their orientation, and only stop when put in jail or under fear of the punishment that will happen if they do get caught. And then they usually just moderate their behavior, or look for better ways to get away with it or not get caught.

Thank you. I have thought about all of those things. They scare me. I have a lot of evidence saved (for exactly those reasons) and I'm in the process of gathering more.

Oh goodness my friend. I think you are doing the right thing. I think this is probably the final straw and there's little chance he's going to just "get better" from this.

Before leaving the house or doing any confronting I'd really recommend you talk to an attorney first. I know you want to make things easier but honestly you should get legal advice and understand the implications of any decisions you make first. Then you can make the most informed decision that is right for you and your son. Then you won't be surprised or do something which can mess up your future. Some state laws are weird about certain things so get informed first. It's so hard when emotions are running high but you need to be cool headed about this.

Big hugs!!

My cousin is an attorney so I am going to turn to him for the legal end of things.

I'm glad you have an attorney in the family to help you. Consider for a short while collecting any "evidence". Keyloggers, etc. Maybe take some screenshots on the sly. Get copies of everything.

I am not saying this to be vindictive but given his incest fantasies, yes, I am worried about your son in the future. I think it's important to collect evidence with the advice of your attorney so maybe you can score supervised visits only, no overnights, so you can be sure that your son is safe.

My heart breaks for you two but I know you will be okay because you are clearly a strong women. I'm very impressed that you're already getting money together and making a plan.

bella I am so very sorry to read this , and can only imagine what kind of hell you are going through .

I don't know that I can add more to these wonderful posts except to say you have my love and support as well .

These sites should be banned ..there shouldn't be loop holes that make them passable for the internet . That I know , doesn;t take away your pain right now ..but I think we are all just sickened .

hugs my darling , and again , I am very very sorry to read this xxxx

What a horrible shock, Bella. I'm just aghast, and can imagine it must feel like some dream; someone else's bad dream.

You're right that this is probably something that has been going on for a very long time for him, psychologically. I've heard it suggested that it forms within the psyche fairly early in life, almost as a sexual orientation. Of course, external influences and experiences shape it, so it's the old nature-nuture question. I'm wondering...when you got to know your husband, and at the time you married, how deeply did you feel you knew eachother? Did you talk about and share your pasts and histories, and inner lives with one another in other ways? I know these reflective questions won't heal the rage and disgust and fear right now, but it may be useful when the questions arise.

This is a sickness, and he surely knows it. He has hid it because who wants to admit that to themselves -- that they can't and never will lead a normal life? Of course, it has robbed you, but keep in mind that he was probably trying to deny it even to himself. He wanted to pretend even to himself that he wasn't as ill as he is. This is a compulsive sickness that only gets worse with time, and he was betting on the wrong side of that. (I've read that CBT can sometimes be used to treat it, but I wouldn't stick around through that.)

I'm so terribly sorry you're going through this, but you're going to pull through. Yes, your son will be a child of divorce, but he has love, he's been raised with love during his most formative years, and he's got a strong mother, and so he will be okay. There are a lot of well-adjusted men out there whose parents divorced, or were the product of single-parent families. Later, when he's older, he'll understand more, but for now, he just needs to know that he is protected and safe, and you'll be giving that to him.

You're strong to the core, remember that.

My heart goes out to you in this time of pain. You're doing the right thing and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

((HUGS))

I've heard it suggested that it forms within the psyche fairly early in life, almost as a sexual orientation.

yes vamps I have also heard the same ..I don't believe ,at say 28 , you just suddenly develop a taste for this at all .

for you bella to find this out after you have shared so much is going to take some absorbing , my heart goes out to you darling . We never think of the wife or the partner of these people do we ..we just think of them and what they do ... the trail of destruction ..but there is another story and that is your story .