Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 26 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 251

Thread: Living a Nightmare. In so much pain. Need to Divorce

  1. #11
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    5,793
    Gender
    Female
    BellaDonna, words fail me, but am sending all of the healing vibes and strength and good energy possible to support you. And hugs for you and your little one.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member BellaDonna's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    U.S.
    Posts
    9,100
    Gender
    Female
    I don't believe pedos are able to be rehabilitated, only repressed.
    I agree with you.

    Something like that is deep and it does not just stop. It's part of who the person is and ideas they have about sexuality. He won't change. He'll just be sorry that he got caught and he will go through greater lengths to hide it.

    I'm no puritan. I am pretty open-minded and would have been open to talking about his fantasies. If he was just looking at adult porn I would not even care. He knows I'd be opposed to underage girls and rape though. The idea that he would just lie and live a double life enrages me. It's part of a sick, selfish delusion that he can just do as he pleases and not care who he could hurt. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too: He wants a wife and a nice home and to live the cookie cutter dream, while putting me through a nightmare once I found out about his disgusting habits. You can't have both good and evil. That's where he went wrong.

    I hope to God that his was only something he did online and that he never acted on it. I need to try to find out what is inside his "photolock" app which is another reason I have not confronted him yet, aside from the surgery. I need to know if he is chatting and sending photos of himself or if he has illegal images on his phone.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Posts
    5,060
    I am so sorry, BD. I wish I knew what to say. Sending hugs your way.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member BellaDonna's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    U.S.
    Posts
    9,100
    Gender
    Female
    I will be ok. It will be hell and disruption for a while for me, but it's my son that my heart breaks the most for. No matter what, and no matter how much I try to shield him and try to make things seem happy and normal, I know that being a child of divorce will be hard for him.

    I am trying to put money aside so that I can put a deposit on an apartment nearby so that my son will not have to change schools. I don't plan on making my husband's life miserable. I am hoping he will be civil with me. I just need to get out. I can't be with him. I've turned cold to him now. feel disgust, and just want to be away. It is hard for me to mourn a loss of a relationship which I now see as never being real or pure. It was all a fašade for him, and that makes it easier for me to walk away. I'd be holding on an illusion otherwise.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    5,793
    Gender
    Female
    Would you consider having him leave, and you and your son staying in your home?

  7. #16
    Platinum Member BellaDonna's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    U.S.
    Posts
    9,100
    Gender
    Female
    I thought about it. But I don't want to be in this house anymore. The whole thing disgusts me and the false pretenses we've lived under amongst these walls makes me ill.

    I need a safe place of my own to get away from this.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member chickadeedee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Posts
    1,150
    I am so sorry! I also experienced something like this with a partner who was living a double life and remember well the sense of shock and betrayal one feels on such a deep level.

    The important thing to know is that of course he KNOWS this kind of secret fantasy life is not acceptable and that he will only be able to share it with those who are like minded such as himself. And he gets a sense of validation and a secret little thrill at finding a community that supports these kinds of sick and anti-social pursuits.

    One piece of advice i will give you is to make no mistake in confusing your image of your 'beloved' with what he is capable of and this facet of his true and hidden self. Be thankful you have a son and not a daughter because of his particular sickness BUT i find it extremely concerning that he is searching for things that involve incest and brother/sister situations. You just don't know how far a leap it would be for him to get into father/son incest fantasies. So I think in the interests of protecting your child, you need to first save all the evidence of what he has been doing, whether that is screenshots or photos of these things on his phone if you can't access online phone records of his searches and inclination. I do believe for the sake of your son that after you move out and drop the bomb that you know what he is doing, you need to consult a lawyer and also get him professionally evaluated before you give him unsupervised visitation with your son. One can only hope his inclinations don't extend that far, but the fact that he is pursuing incest fantasies means you have to err on the side of caution and protect your son. There is a chance he is struggling to control these thoughts in relation to your son or other young children that he knows, but you have no real way of evaluating whether he has acted on this with others or it is still in the fantasy stage.

    Next, i know you are horrified and shell shocked now, but I know that you WILL eventually feel better and recover from this. It will take a while due to the long association you've had with him, BUT you will recover and can go on to find a normal man without these sick fantasies. Right now your focus should be on getting your life together, protecting your son, and establishing an identity separate from your husband. Focus on YOU and what is right for YOU and your son, and don't be distracted from that. For a while it will probably feel like sleepwalking and you'll have a real sense of unreality (i.e., this can't really be happening), but trust your gut here and the evidence you have found, and keep that as your guide to help you do what it takes to protect yourself and your child through a divorce and negotiating child custody and whether he should even be allowed to have unsupervised visitation with your son until your son is old enough to protect himself if necessary.

    I would suggest, even before you let him know what you knjow and move out, that you contact a lawyer about what to do to get that evidence off his phone so that you can use it in your child custody hearings to protect your son. Since he has already lived a double life for all these years and covered it up, so i'm sure he'll just deny, deny, deny if you don't have some evidence to show he is having sexual fantasies about children and incest. So you need to stay strong and with the help of a lawyer chart the right course to protecting your son.

    It will be very hard for a while, but you are a strong woman and know what you need to do. Just don't underestimate how sick he is just because you didn't see this side of him before. People with these kinds of problems go deep underground and do live double lives because they know it is not acceptable and possibly illegal if the sites or photos he is swapping with others are actually underage children or true cases of incest. There is no guarantee that these photos are 'legal' and if he is associating with these scumbags who trade photos of underage girls and fantasize about incest, eventually he can and will commit something illegal, even inadvertently, but it is still illegal.

    I worked with a man who was into this kind of thing and they did an online sting where they busted dozens of these men who were trolling after underage porn and children. The police marched right into the office and confiscated his work PC because it had evidence that he'd been engaging in these activities and associating with known child predators and exchanging information, photos, and referrals to children they could prey on.

    Your husband can pretend he didn't mean to do anything illegal, but if he does the crime he will do the time, and merely associating with these scumbags has a high probability of ending badly for him (and potentially badly for children who are exchanged for these purposes). These scumbags will sometimes trade their own children (i.e., meet up at hotels to trade a boy child of their own to another scumbag who likes boys, for a chance at the other scumbag's girl child). So make no mistake that this kind of thing is SERIOUS business and your first priority here is gathering that evidence to protect your own son, and moving out as soon as possible and getting a lawyer to file for sole custody and supervised visitation only to protect your son.

    Get thru your surgery, then get out. There is a lot you can do now over the phone including finding a lawyer and talking to them on how to get the evidence off your husband's phone. You need to do that before he gets any hint you're onto him and deletes everything. It is of upmost necessity to protect your son.
    Last edited by chickadeedee; 12-27-2014 at 12:21 PM.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member chickadeedee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Posts
    1,150
    btw, the most important thing i can tell you is to turn your outrage, disgust, and pain into action! Don't yield to any promises he makes to 'change' that are more fear based because he got caught than because he feels it was wrong. If he felt it was wrong, he wouldn't be hooking up with all these other scumbags with the same 'hobby.; As other posters have said, this is a deep seated inclination and these people rarely change their orientation, and only stop when put in jail or under fear of the punishment that will happen if they do get caught. And then they usually just moderate their behavior, or look for better ways to get away with it or not get caught.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member BellaDonna's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    U.S.
    Posts
    9,100
    Gender
    Female
    Thank you. I have thought about all of those things. They scare me. I have a lot of evidence saved (for exactly those reasons) and I'm in the process of gathering more.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member avman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Minnesota
    Age
    52
    Posts
    8,676
    Gender
    Male
    Oh goodness my friend. I think you are doing the right thing. I think this is probably the final straw and there's little chance he's going to just "get better" from this.

    Before leaving the house or doing any confronting I'd really recommend you talk to an attorney first. I know you want to make things easier but honestly you should get legal advice and understand the implications of any decisions you make first. Then you can make the most informed decision that is right for you and your son. Then you won't be surprised or do something which can mess up your future. Some state laws are weird about certain things so get informed first. It's so hard when emotions are running high but you need to be cool headed about this.

    Big hugs!!

Page 2 of 26 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •