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Do you think she cheated?


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Hi,

 

I have nearly made my mind up about this situation but wanted to get it out my head and ask for your opinion.

 

Recently, I told my gf of 9 months that a girl had tried to kiss me and I had said no and walked off. I asked her if this had happened to her. She said yes, I asked what happened and she said she gave him her number.

 

I pushed and pushed and she said she had been out at a friend’s birthday drinks 2 months ago and a guy had tried to kiss her, she pushed him off and said she had a bf, she was so drunk that she continued to talk to him and that at some point they were outside waiting for other people and he grabbed her and said “give me a kiss”. She was so scared he would try to kiss her again so she said, “if I give you my number will you leave me alone”? She gave him her genuine number, he text her the next day and she deleted the text. Her friend told her 2 weeks later, that the guy liked her but she said no she has a bf. She couldn’t remember his name and he was disgusting.

 

I have always had a problem with not being able to leave a subject. So I digged and digged (which wasn’t right and upset her). Eventually over a week it came out in this order. Firstly, she does know his name and had withheld it from me so as not to upset me. Secondly, she found him attractive and that she was flattered. They did in fact leave at some point and went to get fast food but had come back as it was busy, everyone had jumped in a taxi by that point so they were alone so he grabbed her and asked for a goodbye kiss she said no but offered her number thinking he would leave her alone. We both agree that her friend had tried to set them up. Her friend knew we were together for 6 months at that point but had not met me. To add- she had a party a few weeks later and introduced me to this girl.

 

I however still wasn’t satisfied and kept on digging as the story didn’t add up. She said that night she went home and cried as she knew she had wronged me by doing that but honestly thought that giving him her number would in fact stop him trying to kiss her again. Why would you cry and be distraught about that?

 

2 days ago I was round hers and we were looking at old photos on her phone and I noticed a photo of that night was on there, it wasn’t of anything in particular but I said- what else is on here? Please just tell me. She said go ahead and look. So I looked at her messages and nothing was on there. Then I looked at a message app she has that duplicates every text you have. The text was still there. She grabbed it and swore she didn’t know. She gave it back and the message was basically him saying nice to meet you Kitten, great night, great laughs and chat. I’m around this afternoon if you want to meet for a coffee. How did she miss it over 2 months? But why would she keep it over this week knowing how nosey I was being? I put on my coat and tried to leave but she was crying and begging me not to go. I felt so bad so I stayed. She did show me a text the next day to her friend who wasn’t there where she says about how a guy had tried to kiss her but she said she had a bf.

 

I stupidly have asked her to message him and ask him what happened. The message she sent sounds rather weighted: nothing happened did it? (that sort of thing). We are waiting for a response. However, she says that I should prepare for the worst. She says she knows nothing happened but that it may have and simply she can’t remember. She admits now she has a drinking problem, she passes out drunk whilst out and doesn’t remember anything. It has happened 5 times this year already. We are going to the doctors to discuss this.

 

I know I shouldn’t have gone through the phone nor asked her to contact him but I know in my heart that the story just doesn’t add up.

 

If nothing happened then it would be awful to walk away from the woman that I love but part of me feels like I am being too gullible. I just want this nightmare to end.

 

What hurts me if she withheld it from me, that she has lied consistently over a week and that her reasoning for it was that I was distant at that time and the relationship wasn’t going great. However, I had family issues that I simply couldn’t ignore, I was still in contact with her and seeing her as much as normal, I was however a bit quieter I imagine and I was so worried about my family member.

 

Also, recently I have been to the bar and there is no fast food outlet on that street so they must have walked a distance.

 

What do you think happened?

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I have to agree with the others. She's going to hold onto her lies as long as she can.

 

She cheated on you but is trying to prevent you from learning about it.

 

And that crying bit...all cheaters do it. Seriously.

 

I'd move on. You deserve better...sorry you had to go through this.

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I think she's full of crap. As a woman I have given out my phone number plenty of times to guys who wouldn't leave me alone, but guess what? Those numbers were always phony. There's even a pop song with a phone number you can use if you can't come up with anything original--"Sure, my number is 867-5309."

 

And when I'm not interested in someone I sure don't go get food with them some distance away. Her story shifts more than the sand is the Sahara. You can keep digging, but I don't think you're ever going to get the truth from her. What she did that night isn't clear, but she definitely didn't tell this guy to back off and get gone. And is she really drinking and having blackouts that you've witnessed (very troubling) or is that what she's telling you to excuse things that "happen". I wouldn't normally even go there, but falling back on to "I was drunk and blacked out and didn't know I was..." is such a standard cheater's trick.

 

People do drink to the point of blackouts, but we're talking serious alcoholics here and you will see it accross the boards--i.e she shows up at your place roaring drunk then has no idea where her car is the next day. And if that's what she does when she's drinking then why hasn't she stopped?

 

Too many red flags here, man.

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She admits now she has a drinking problem, she passes out drunk whilst out and doesn’t remember anything. It has happened 5 times this year already. We are going to the doctors to discuss this.

 

You've been with this girl for 9 months and she's passed out drunk 5 times? Why are you still with this chick? Why do you even want to stay with someone that irresponsible?

 

It doesn't matter how great she is when she's sober, she's lying to herself and she tells lies to you. Until she accepts and starts fighting her addiction, it will be more of the same.

 

Who knows how many times she has drunkenly made out with random guys. Who knows how many times she's been sexually taken advantage of by predatory guys. When you binge drink to the point that you cannot remember anything the next day, you become a target but you also give yourself permission to act on things you wouldn't do sober. That may be part of the appeal. Because if you want to mess around with a hot guy you can blame the alcohol instead of owning that. That said, it's a dangerous game to play because you can't defend yourself if someone pushes himself on you.

 

This girl has got issues and you should walk away. Allow her to fix her own life and enter treatment on her own accord. She has to do this for herself not just to appease you because that won't stick.

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I think regardless of if she did cheat or not, the result will be that you won't trust her again (even if she didn't).

 

I agree w/ this 100%. No matter what actually happened that night, even if she did absolutely nothing wrong or questionable...the trust is gone and it'll eat you up and destroy the relationship anyway.

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Another thing I forgot to say was when I found the text on the phone she grabbed it and said "well, let's look at your phone if you're so perfect". Does that mean anything?

 

And going by what the guy said in the text, does that imply nothing happened or did in fact happen?

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First of all lets decide on what you think cheating is. For some it is sex, for others it is a kiss, for others it is a chat full of chemistry, for others it is when their partner experiences more joy with someone else than with him. For my ex husband all those things above were cheating. Even if I was reading the book that was resonating with me so I would get excited and happy - he would dig and dig what this book is about and if there was some love story that involved a love triangle or something like that, he would get extremely insecure. If the book did not have a story about love, then he would dig and dig why I am reading this book and would track it down to "WHO recommended this book" and if that happen to be a man, my ex would get super jealous.

 

Having said all that, let's return back to your situation. First of all, my opinion - the girl did not cheat on you. She definitely had interaction with the male in the settings (party) that invite losing all inhibitions. Now, the main feeling in your story that is obvious - FEAR. Her fear of stigma, her fear of upsetting you, her fear of losing you, your fear of her cheating, and I suspect many other fears. All these fears in my opinion make any possibility of any love impossible. At the same time fear might intensify sexual response. This is just biological. When I lived in fear, my need to pacify it was tremendous. How a person find escape? Drugs, alcohol, sex. Something to take a mind of. By digging and digging you make her more and more uncomfortable, more and more afraid and this is not good for relationship.

 

If I were you, I would not blink and eye. Things like that happen with EVERYONE. Situation like that arise all the time. Nobody is perfect. People make mistakes. Nobody can be held in a cage. People have feelings, people have emotions. We do not belong to another. If we are lucky enough to find a partner, it is a tough art to learn to appreciate this togetherness and respect a freedom of each other. Otherwise it will become a prison full of fear. This is just my opinion.

 

I left my ex because of his digging and digging. I did lie to him because I was scared of his angry outbursts. Naturally I was considered to be a bad person. I got so tired of it, that I said - enough is enough. I am bad, let's divorce and I want to live in my badness quietly. I am tired of lying, I want freedom of being who I am. He laughed and said that nobody ever would like to be with me. And I was fine with that. Then we separated. Later after I had my first sex with the guy, we went on the balcony for a smoke, both still sweaty and excited and we laughed and kissed and I said: "Would you mind if I will sleep with someone else also?" And he laughed and said: "Of course not! It is your free life finally!" I still remember this feeling of admiration for his generosity, for his understanding, for his confidence, for his ability to be independent...

 

There is such a thing as weight in relationship. In my experience it leads to a total disaster when this weight is put into your partner. When you look into behavior of your partner to validate your importance. Nobody wants that weight. I think the weight should be totally inside of the person who owns himself/herself. In your situation I would just hug her and say; "Baby, I am glad you had the best time there!" Really, there is nothing else better to say and here is why.

 

If she did not fall for charms of another man but an object of another man's advances and felt flattered (we all do) she would appreciate your trust. If she did fall under the charms and did reciprocate somehow with this man's advances, she would still appreciate your confidence and wish for her to have a great time. See, when there is another man in the picture, it is all about HER feelings. If she secretly liked this guy more than you - no matter what you say, dig or not dig, would change that. Even if she did not contact him out of fear, she would remember that she liked someone more and because of the fear of you and stigma, she did not act on this. Usually it is not a healthy reason why we decide not to reciprocate when situation arises.

 

When I really was in love with another man, I radiated such energy, people would talk to me on the streets. Men would offer me themselves everywhere. They would approach me on the street, on the bus, in the subway. I was just glowing with happiness and they were mesmerized. And I would tell him not that "i am sorry but I have a bf". I would smile to them and say from all myheart: "thank you very much, but I am in love with another!" And there was no further question from them.

 

No one can control another.

 

If I were you, I would talk to myself and ask WHY it is so important to know all the details of this pretty trivial story of her party. I would ask myself - am I ready to deal with thousands of parties like that in the future? What is exactly so scary? The fact that this other guy could be better than you? If so, I would work on building self-esteem. It is a hard work, but the good thing is it can be done. It takes practice and lots of labor. If every day you do something that you resist doing but what has to be done, you build self-esteem. When you let others to live how they want, or how they can, or how they do, you build your self-esteem up. When you dig and dig into another person's doings trying to find yourself in this mess - you destroy your self-esteem.

 

Just try to do what is working for you.

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I don't think you're exhibiting a normal, healthy reaction to this. Youadmitt you can't let things go. If I were her, I'd be agraid of you. At some point without obvious evidence to the contrary, you need to let things go. It doesn't sound to me like she cheated and, believe me, I do know the signs. It sounds more like she's worried because you're controlling and possesive.

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I think that you have a hard time trusting her and she has made a minor brush with infidelity.

 

No, I do not think she slept with the guy. Yes, it could have progressed but it did not.

 

If your anger in out of proportion to the offense then this relationship is over.

 

If you cannot get past it, then it is also over.

 

If you have done anything similar to what she has done, then you are holding her to a higher standard than yourself. And that is not fair.

 

My prediction is that you and she are at an end of your relationship.

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I honestly don't think I overreacted to this. We had a very trusting relationship, both of us would go out and not check in with one another. This was just out of character for her. She told me this is anger and straight away denied leading the guy on and said she was forced on twice. Therefore, I was so worried as she forgot 2 hours and next thing she remembers being somewhere else. That is why I asked her to contact him and her friend. Which of course contradicted what she said. She then admitted to lieing about being forced on and that she didn't like the gut. She then said that stuff may have happened but she cant remember. It was then she admitted to blacking out all the time. Her history before me was going back to random men's houses whilst drunk and waking up not remembering anything. So I don't believe I was jealous nor scary, I was concerned for her initially and then hurt that she did in fact remember everything. The fact that the text was there upset me. But is it not right to be concerned about a partner when they are prone to being taken advantage of?

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But is it not right to be concerned about a partner when they are prone to being taken advantage of?

 

There is no such a thing as right or wrong. If you fell in love with promiscuous girl, it is wise to admit it and accept it as is while letting her be what she is. it is not in your power to change people.

 

Texting a stranger for confirmation of events in my opinion is a blatant disrespect to yourself and your girl no matter what she did. But again, people are different.

 

Having said all that, I would never be convinced that you were concerned for well-being of your girlfriend. I have seen true and loving concern and it looks very different. Your behavior looks like insecurity, dependency and a need to be reassured.

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I agree with the posters here and also just wanted to add some food for thought for you and your situation with your gf...

 

NOBODY just randomly asks for a kiss or leans in for one unless they're absolutely smashed. At least nobody I've ever heard of. People usually need to be led on in some way - and that door needs to be cracked open.

 

I've partied, lots... And not once has a guy just asked for a kiss unless I was flirtatious in some way.

 

Oh and anyways, yeah she's full of bs and no matter what happens the trust is already broken.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Another thing I forgot to say was when I found the text on the phone she grabbed it and said "well, let's look at your phone if you're so perfect". Does that mean anything?

 

And going by what the guy said in the text, does that imply nothing happened or did in fact happen?

 

She is projecting, she has prob justified in her head her cheating on you by believing you would do the same to her.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think that you're a bully. You pummelled her until she told you something that you wanted to hear just to justify your own actions, underpin your miniscule ego. maybe a guy did come on to her and she pushed him away it happens, but the way you dealt with the situation was wrong on so many levels.

 

This whole charade isn't about what she did or didn't do, you've made it about you and how 'you are right and she is wrong'. You're too insecure and immature to be in this relationship. Go, leave her so that she can find someone who treats her with some respect and dignity..... and you learn to chill.

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I think that you're a bully. You pummelled her until she told you something that you wanted to hear just to justify your own actions, underpin your miniscule ego. maybe a guy did come on to her and she pushed him away it happens, but the way you dealt with the situation was wrong on so many levels.

 

I'm sorry, but this is NON SENSE. He "bullied" her? Okay, it's time to lay down some reality for you: this girl can't be trusted. This girl has been black out drunk at least 5 times already in this relationship that has not even been going on for a year. This girl doesn't know what boundaries are and is one of those silly people who try to act like they can't ever turn a guy down because they are just so sweet and innocent and would never hurt a fly and that's why she had to give a dude her real number. PLEASE, that is garbage. He had every right and every reason to push this girl for the truth because she is not to be trusted, doesn't know what boundaries are, and has an obvious drinking problem. But no you are totally right, what a bully! How dare he suspect something about this incredibly suspicious situation! How dare he have a problem with the utterly lame ass excuses this girl fed him.

 

This whole charade isn't about what she did or didn't do, you've made it about you and how 'you are right and she is wrong'. You're too insecure and immature to be in this relationship. Go, leave her so that she can find someone who treats her with some respect and dignity..... and you learn to chill.

 

This is rich, the girl throws out lame excuses like how she had to give her phone number to a dude(and not a fake one) and all that, but THIS guy is the immature one? Nope sorry, does not compute. This girl doesn't know what the word boundary means. She might not of cheated, but she definitely did NOT act like a woman in a relationship.

 

This whole thing is totally about what she did or didn't do. She gave her number out while she has a boyfriend. Sorry, that is all she wrote, you don't do it. You give a fake number if you want to play the BS game of "I'm too nice to reject someone". Funny how these kinds of people are too nice to reject a stranger, but have no problems using a guy they are dating as a doormat. Makes you kind of wish they'd be more worried about not hurting their boyfriend as opposed to creepy strangers.

 

To the OP: don't listen to these people getting on you and saying you over reacted. Your behavior totally WOULD of been an over reaction..if it wasn't for the pesky details like her giving other dudes her number, getting black out drunk way too many times without you around, and for her all around lame excuses about why this happened. So I stand by what I said, maybe this girl didn't full on cheat on you, but she was definitely out acting like she was a single gal and sorry, that is a red flag. Cut your losses now and drop her before she ends up truly cheating on you and feeding you even lamer excuses as to why.

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A bully? I'm sorry but that is just wrong. I have failed to mention here some very key points in our relationship, but as I feel so insulted I will add these. My gf, now ex use to slap me quite a lot. Some time in jest, sometimes out of frustation with random things. She would get very nasty and aggressive and then when I said- you are being rude she would cry and say I was in fact being rude. I was subjected to a lot of emotional blackmail, slapping. I would constantly compliment her, our life very much revolved around her profession and career. I would hazard a guess that you believe a woman can't bully a man, I disagree.

 

I don't believe in judging a person by previous behaviour but when you're previous behaviour was that you would get drunk and sleep around that is fine. But when you continue to drink to excess, it clearly isnt in the past. I won't disclose our occupations but let me just say that both her and I are experts in what happens to people (especially young pretty women) when they are highly intoxicated with random men. In fact when she first described the incident to me, she made out it was a form of assault and that she had phyically resisted but he wouldnt let her go, despite how much she tried as he was too strong. Next thing she knew, she was somewhere else alone and lost, not knowing what happned. When I tried to take it further (in terms of legality) she then changed the story to the one which we were left with, that in fact she was quite willing to let him have his hands on her.

 

I hate the idea that you can just throw the word bully around, it is highly offensive. At no point was I aggressive or angry. I told my mother about this when it happened. She was extremely upset that something very serious had occurred (as did I) and I was enquiring normally (as her and I would do professionally) about- did she feel physically different, was her underwear torn etc.

 

To be fed that, to then change it to- actually I quite liked this guy, he tried to kiss me, I kept speaking with him, he or I suggested food, we left to be alone, can't remember what happened, may have kissed but unlikely, gave him my number when he had his hands on me, deleted the text (in fact kept it). It is very frustrating, I honestly do believe I had a right to probe.

 

You do not own your partner, I understand that. But to feed them lies that you were a victim of an assault to then basically admitting to emotional cheating to then nothing happened is wrong. Maybe something happened in your past to you, but please don't throw around the bully term.

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No. But it was only when this came out that she told me she had blacked out drunk like this 5 times this year and cant remember any of those nights. She was found at her work party passed out in the toilet cubicle covered in vomit. I'm terrified by leaving her she will go back to her old ways but I cant help that now. She was such a quiet lady like woman when sober. The two times I got drunk with her were- a house party at hers where she could barely stand so we stayed back when everyone went to a club. I stayed later than planned as I had work the next day so was going to leave. She told me had I not stayed she would have gone out- so god knows what would have happened. The other time was in France where she dragged me down an alley and tried to give me oral sex in the street. I took her back to the hotel where she proceeded to vomit where I passed out. I have no problem with her getting that drunk as long as its with myself, her flatmates or good friends of hers. The night in question she knew one girl who left early in the night. The work party she hardly knew anyone as she was new. And the other 3 times she was out with this girl who tried to set her up with a friend. So god knows what happened.

 

I do still love her a great deal but I cant help her anymore. She told me after we broke up that she was now not going to get help for her drinking as she doesn't have one. Even though she has broken down in the past about how she drinks in order to 'cope'.

 

A previous poster said she couldn't accept that I actually cared for her wellbeing. I hope my last two posts show that I do, so your ignorant comments are just that- ignorant. In fact the day after she told me about what happened I was at work and found a girl who was the same age as her, same hair color and weight passed out in an alley covered in sick being looked after (thankfully) by two women. It was below freezing that night and she was out for the count. When the medics revived her she began to try and kiss my neck, with me clearly being in a uniform as she thought i was her boyfriend. And that was a quiet night. So believe me- I have reason to worry. I have seen far worse happen, and not to women I love.

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My gf, now ex use to slap me quite a lot. Some time in jest, sometimes out of frustation with random things. She would get very nasty and aggressive and then when I said- you are being rude she would cry and say I was in fact being rude. I was subjected to a lot of emotional blackmail, slapping.

 

Hold up.. You're girlfriend has slapped you multiple times? Why the heck have you stayed with this madwoman????

 

Physical assault is unacceptable in a relationship! I've had a couple of bad dreams where I've slapped my boyfriend and have always woke up crying because I knew if I ever did that in real life our relationship would immediately be over.

 

No. But it was only when this came out that she told me she had blacked out drunk like this 5 times this year and cant remember any of those nights. She was found at her work party passed out in the toilet cubicle covered in vomit.

 

Eek!! This woman has serious drinking issues that only she can decide when to change.

 

I do still love her a great deal but I cant help her anymore. She told me after we broke up that she was now not going to get help for her drinking as she doesn't have one. Even though she has broken down in the past about how she drinks in order to 'cope'.

 

So you have broken up! Good!!

 

Time to focus on yourself and heal from this relationship break up.

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