On intellectualism and art...

I can concur somewhat on the front of putting myself out there: As a reasonably successful professional, my job does eat up a lot of time and energy, and my social life suffers somewhat for it. I do my best however, even if it means skipping on making coffee in the morning with my espresso machine to go to the Starbucks, or skipping on bringing lunch to instead eat out most days. I can easily afford that. I'm not sure as a single guy what "enough" constitutes, though. So far as going out to bars/venues/coffee shops that fit my ilk somewhat: At least twice a week. I can do a couple of live shows, and/or First Friday a month. Maybe a MeetUp or two a month. Do I need to be doing things three/four times a week? I never could figure out how much "putting oneself out there" has to be done to find people who are interested.

So far as value goes, from your previous posts about open-mindedness and integrity, I can only assume you're talking about intrinsic value. I feel I'm a decent listener, and am genuinely interested in peoples' perspectives and interests, but also maintain contributions to the conversation. I try not to be a braggart about my career, at least not the income aspect. I don't believe one's salary makes one a better person. Should I try to work in my philanthropy (which I prefer to conduct in humble anonymity)? I'm getting conflicting suggestions to be humble and raise my value.

I wonder, have you asked any of the women in your life for feedback? Friends, even family, women who know you and/or may have seen how you are presenting yourself with women?

Most of my friends and coworkers don't get why I'm single at all. I get stuff like, "You should be beating women off with a stick." One female co-worker said, "We need to get you a wife.", and inquired about what type of women I was into. They obviously think I have some sort of dating market value. The only negative feedback I've gotten is from our trade event manager whom I hang out with a lot: He thinks wearing my wearing band shirts (sometimes on the weekends), is "immature". He's more of a conservative Christian (but not preachy) type, that likes to ogle Scottsdale trophy wives, mind you... so he doesn't really know the crowds I roll in outside work. He also thinks they're metal bands (I only have one metal band in my tee shirt rotation, the rest is hip hop artists). Also, he tends to wear work branded polos at work, while I'm in a $150 designer button-downs. He's in his late forties and hopelessly single. I don't take him as a culture or fashion authority.

My brother just thinks I'm f***ed because I'm 37. I'm fortunate enough to be accused of being at least ten years younger out in the fray. I'm 37 online, however, unless I want to take up the art of deception.

A male friend of mine gave a lot of helpful advice that I just wouldn't have been able to take in had it not been from him. And then once I opened up about that, others started chiming in and it was all helpful. The kinds of things that it is hard to hear maybe, but it's easier if it's from someone you trust and whom you trust their judgment and intent (and have reasons to).

 

I have some hard edges. Things that may turn off some people I'd like to know, and in the beginning stages, something as small as one bad impression can be the deciding factor. Just knowing that, opened up my options more. Visibly. Right away.

Could you cue me into what those are? I feel like I've self-evaluated to death at this point, doing my best to improve all parts of me without strapping on some mantle that wasn't genuine, but I'd be interested on what you needed to work it out.

And I'm glad you aren't only honing in on Suicide Girls. haha. Though, I don't see them as a minority population, to be honest!

I guess I just meant that as a blanket description for alternative-but-feminine types. It's just a starting point that seems to make the most sense for someone like me. Geeky-but-feminine works too.

It's not just about going out. Going out is not putting yourself out there.

It's about making new connections. Talking to new people. And not just "hi", but having a conversation to the point where you introduce yourselves. Talk to your barrista at Starbucks, or the guy behind you in line. Ask the people at the table beside you what they ordered. Walk elderly/blind people accross streets. At music shows, strike up a conversation with the person standing next to you...talk to them about the band or what other shows they're going to see this year.

Make friends with everyone. You might not be interested in *that* chick, but you might like her friend. That sweet old lady that you talked to while waiting for a cab...might be your future grand mother in law. That dude at the concert might know your future wife.

Putting yourself out there so much bigger than showing up. Showing up...is nothing. Participating...that's where you meet and connect with people.

It's not easy. But it's effective.

It sort of ties in with what Faraday is saying. Having to do with how I'd been presenting myself - showing some of my more negative parts early, instead of my warm and more open side. For the most part, I didn't even understand the extent I was doing it. Not giving people a chance right at the starting gate, in little ways, that closed it off, and made it more difficult for people to see me as someone who would be easy to know and date. And the thing is, there was some truth to it too; because I haven't been easy to get to know and date. I was just able to avoid seeing that for quite a long time; as there have been people willing to truck through.

But the idea is to open up the options, and I think what Faraday is saying has a lot of sense. Your intrinsic value is never in question.

I guess I didn't answer the value part. Value...is the way that we see ourselves, and the way others view us. I raised my value by loving myself. I didn't...and I wasn't meeting quality men. When I started to love myself (by doing kind things for myself: meditating, eating better, working out, buying pretty clothing and wearing make up...and making myself feel valuable to the community: by volunteering at the food bank, with elderly people, picking up garbage in my neighbourhood on my walks...and by changing the way I did my job- I changed things so that I felt I was adding value to the community through my work) the quality of men I was went way up.

Your first post in this thread was kind of snotty sounding (sorry might use your extensive vocabulary as armour against people...to keep them out. Or to seem smarter or cooler...so people will like you. Maybe because you've been knocked down so much in this dating game. Idk, I'm not there...I'm just telling you what I see when I read your posts. I thought you were in your early 20's...not 36 (in my age dating bracket).

So....for you, I think you need to be less worried about how people perceive you...and loosen up. Smile more. Raise your value by being fun to be around. Raise your value by humbling yourself...give back to your community. Volunteer. It's ridiculously hot when men volunteer. It shows they are compassionate and selfless...I want to marry someone like that. It's ridiculously hot when a guy isn't trying super hard to impress me. A man who is authentic and comfortable with himself...is hot. I want to get to know the guy who is at ease with himself...because he puts me at ease. I don't have to have fake conversations or silently smile and nod when he says something I have no idea about.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...be more superficial in the beginning. Have fun. Smile. Don't try to peer into the depths of a woman's soul within minutes of meeting her. See what kind of beer she likes (not so you can judge her on if she likes micro or macro breweries...although, I confess I judge so that if you like her, you can offer to grab the next drink. Find out if she likes all inclusive trips to Mexico or backpacking through Europe. Pancakes or bacon? Keep it light.

(And yes, what iag said)

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