10 years and possibly a divorce.

Background:

Married 10 years

1st love for me (1st everything btw)

2 girls ages 7/8

Age 29 and same as spouse

In the military deployed twice to Iraq

Where to start? Here goes.. So I have done everything I possibly could to support the family. It was extremely rocky after my first deployment. During the whole time I was there, I had only received one care package from her. Btw, she was pregnant at the time. We had been married for a whole year before she had gotten pregnant and the deployment came out of nowhere. When I came back it seemed like there was no love. Unfortunately, I looked for some kind of emotional response for the outside. So, I went on this website for "foreign love" which pretty much entails people in different countries. I felt somewhat safe about doing this because I wanted the attention from my spouse and wanted attention from people out of my reach. Somehow, she found out and part me of wanted to her find out (mind you this was when I was like 20). Sadly, I think this was part of the chipping block of not caring for me. Which ironically, the reason I did it was to gain attention and even picked a situation where said people where out of my reach anyway (does that make it any better? Yes and no). Then she left me when she found out and I convinced to come back to have our second child. Which, unfortunately, I ended up deploying again. Which freaking blows, but I was there for the birth and even so for my first. But, once again throughout the whole deployment, I only received one care package from here again. This killed me beyond measure. Like I don't know if you people understand, but it is severely heartbreaking to see people get care packages every week from their loved ones. Even worse, I had reached out to my comrades and being in the unit I was in, there advice was to "suck it up and drink water, it will be alright." So, I had to accept it, just merely to survive my overwhelming emotions. Unfortunately, I shut off so much that I became engulfed in believing that feelings were not the answer. So after that, we went to Belgium, which btw, is the bane of my existence. Primarily French, and there answer to everything is literally "not possible." I mean, you could tell them that is raining outside and clearly it is... And they would be like, "not possible." I was miserable and ended up getting diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome, which is ironic because I soon as I left that sh** hole, I haven't had any symptoms. Anyway, I was able to get out of the Army, my wife got orders to deploy as well. Which is extremely unusual, because she had been out of the military for almost 6 years (but she had IRR time). However, I used it as an opportunity to get the hell out of dodge, not to mention she wanted to deploy anyway. So, when I got out I came back to my family. I got my own place and I was able to focus primarily on me girls. Also, side note **I had supported her for everything that she wanted to do with her life before she deployed** I had accrued student debt because she wanted to go to school and dropped out. Anyway, I had my girls so disciplined and respectful that it was ridiculous.. Do you know how long of a flight it is from Belgium to California? (Keep in mind that I had them for 3 months when she deployed before I was able to leave). I actually got compliments when we got off the planes. People would tell me that they didn't even know that I had children and they were so impressed. Anyway, we lived in CA for about 4 months and I was living off unemployment and had her paycheck as well. I decided to look for a job and actually got a federal job (which is rather surprising, I actually had gotten 2 job offers simultaneously). So, I took it and I placed my children in daycare so I can work. Why? Because I knew I cannot sustain unemployment and with her coming back anytime I knew it had to be done. So, she returned has was completely shut off and I'll have you know I sent many of care packages on the mere fact that I know how it feels. For christ sake, I sent her a vibrator. But, we came back to our tensions all over again, and honestly I have no clue why. Sad part is, that when she was gone she had told me that she had a crush on another guy. Fortunately for me, a friend of hers that had been there to get her bearings straight. Anyway, time went on and she pursued her career and decided to become an estetician. Which thank god I didn't have to worry about anymore student loans, because she is a veteran now and has benefits. However, she found a job after completing her training (which btw, I had to take care of EVERYTHING for the girls while she was going to school). Then she quit...There was a lot of employee violations and she did not want to file a complaint (there retention rate (the company) was hiring someone new almost every week). Which is sad, because I knew she could of gotten some compensation for it but, she did not take my advice. So eventually, I ended up struggling so much that I had to file for a debt management program to help me get out. California is freaking expensive for anyone that is wondering about moving there. So I decided that we should move to North Carolina where her family is and our lease was ending November of 2013. I sent up all the appropriate finances (keep in mind that she is not working or contributing at this point). I moved my family there and stayed behind because I did not have a job lined up for me to up and leave. Funny part is, my current job had caught wind and wanted to promote me (huge promotion btw) as a means to stay. Then out of freaking nowhere, when I was trying to get a career for her.. She was offered a federal job as well (but at that point she was NC already). Which is sad, because I did her resume and submitted her jobs (all the leg work). But, she turned it down wanting to start a life in NC. So well I respected her decision and eventually I ended up finding a job in NC and unfortunately required me to join the Army Reserves. Granted, I wanted nothing to do with the military in this current point in my life. But, it was an opportunity to reunite with my family and start all over. She ended up finding a job working in the deli (because she also went to school again while after my 2nd deployment and in CA for culinary school) in December and I arrived in February once my packet was approved from the Reserves and I was able to start my job. In July, she decided to quit because it made it her unhappy etc etc.. So I supported it.. She remained unemployed all the way until I actively seeked connections and got her a job working for time warner cable (in September, which btw has surprisingly good benefits and promotion potential). Now, since she started training for them, I have literally had to wake up, get the girls dressed, make their lunches, and make sure they got on the bus, and pick them up, clean the house, do the laundry, and prepare dinner. This went on for the month until I became overwhelmed that I started drinking more than I probably should of. Also, keep in mind that I am the one also working myself. Needless to say, she did not like my drinking.... Anyway, late October, I had military training I had to go for 28 days. I was like awesome... Because if anyone knows MILTECH.. Then I get to double dip and get paid twice (because we have always had financial issues). Although, with her new job not so much, but it was really an opportunity to make significant more. To like have a good christmas you know? Anyway, when I was there she told me about after 13 days in that she wanted an open relationship. At first, I had no idea what to say, I mean we kind of discussed it previously but I never agreed to it so much because it takes a super strong a** marriage to do so. So anyway, I had to call her back because I was called back into military training. Come to find out she had ALL these issues with me and the "open relationship" just became the guise for me. So, I cancel my training, see a chaplain, and come back home. I bring her flowers and show up to her surprise. Needless to say, she had kicked me out and sent me to her sister in laws after having a heart to heart... Telling me that she had zero feelings for me. So I left for 3 days and binged drinked. Then I was like F that. This is my apartment.. I left everything. I left my family (which all lives in California), I left all my friends and close acquaintances from California. So now she wants a separation. As a matter of fact, I talked her last night about my intentions (to win her back even though I know she is dating someone else). Which, as long as there is no physical contact then I can careless. I say that because, there is not one sole person that can provide everything. But anyway, I asked if she would like to date me and she told me that she wasn't interested lol. Which is hilariously do to the fact that I am not really exciting and she knows everything about me anyway. She told me that I should date and do things.... And OMFG I lost it a little bit (not at her)... But when I was in CA, do you know how many times I was offered to do things with people (coworkers). It is ridiculous.... I literally said no, because she had no body. And now that she has her independence... It is like she is "finally" seeing things. However, yet, I don't have not no one here.. I have no friends, no family, no connections other than the reserves. And honestly, do you know how stupid I find it, spending money on someone that I don't really know... To have a "date" with someone. Only because I know that I am not even ready for that to begin with. What's so ironic is.... Guys will spend money on for dates.... How do you think I am suppose to do that? I rather spend it on the girls than some other girl that I know most likely I wont even care about anyway. And that is the thing, I am not deceptive... You know whats funny though... So when she told me and I came back... I decided to see if I still had my game... So like 2 days later I went to Food Lion which is like Bell Air/Raleys.. I got the receipt from the cashier and asked for a pen.. I gave her my number and she texted me... Come to find out... She was still in high school... Lol omg... Then I tried to create a stupid okcupid profile to find that I would delete it not but 2 hours later... Because its like ... I don't want this . Oh boy... And then yesterday I found out that my younger brother (24) has full blown aids. When I told my wife who was on a date... I was surprised that she immediately left from it for me. And that's when I told her everything I'm feeling and asked her on a date (which she said no lol).

I think from what you wrote the two of you need to figure out how to be the best co-parents you can. Your kids need both of you to be present.

I feel that this is headed for divorce and you need to figure out a plan that puts your kids first and foremost. Worry about finding dates and future love interests once this marriage is completely laid to rest and you've established good visitation with your children.

You need to get yourself together. You need a plan in place without this woman... she is dating other people. Who knows maybe the best way to make this work is not work it at all - move on. Find your happiness and maybe she comes round when she sees you living well, but perhaps by then you won't want her anymore.

Good Luck

I usually don't read these long posts especially when there are no breaks in it, it sort of reads like one long continuous rant. It is obvious that you haven't been a support to each other in a long time or perhaps never were? Each kind of doing their own thing including getting their emotional ans sexual needs met. It sounds like the both of you are each very lonely.

I see a long road ahead. You need to ask yourself what are your reasons for wanting to stay married and your wife needs to figure that out too, and try to find some common ground.

Sorry to hear about your younger brother, full blown AIDS is pretty rare nowadays, if he can get good health care chances are he can still look forward to a long and healthy life. Here in Canada with universal health care we really only see it in people who are living on the streets for example and not able to look after themselves. Of the 5 people I now personally who have HIV, all of them are undetectable and "healthy" on the drug cocktail they take.

i would love to read your situation, but it is near impossible to read something that is full of broken sentences in an unbroken paragraph. It is like trying to read one long spreadsheet. I like how you provided bullets in the being, but 4 lines in i had to stop to avoid getting a migraine. Hope things work out for you.

Yeah I apologize. Kind of new to this. I see a counselor on Monday for myself. I tried to get as much out there in one post and I am sorry for the jumbled up everything

Try copying and pasting it and then editing it so it is more understandable. On the forum you only have so long to go back and edit what you write unfortunately.

Don't feel bad I did the same kinda thing on my first post when I was all messed up.

Lost

Me three... I didn't even try. Sorry.

Skip all the details; what's wrong and what do want?

I tend to type like you do and so I did take the time to read it. I feel for you. It sounds like no matter how you feel that your wife is done with the marriage. You do need a plan. An apt and things lined up so you can have joint custody or whatever it is you want with your girls. Don't worry about dating now. Take the time to grieve and get things in order so you can move on with your life and still have your girls in your life. That's most important. Some day down the road you may want to date but right now it's OK to not be ready. It sounds like you are a good man, dedicated and deserve much better than how she's treating you.

I read this, I think you should move on it seems like there is no connection between you two. And she doesn't care if she can kick you out and leave you like that. Did you explain your feelings to her about the care package thing? And if she keeps rejecting you then maybe you should go in No communication, I did that with my boyfriend that wanted out of the relationship he eventually ended up coming back