Maybe its me, maybe its the drinking - Help me figure it out!

Im 28 and SO is 29. We have been in a relationship for going on 4 years now. We have broken it off for a few months last year due to his drinking issues that had gotten out of hand. I took him back with the understanding there would be NO alcohol use. Fast forward a year later to a couple of weeks ago, still sober but leaving a year long program for a DUI that we have in our county that makes him subject to random alcohol testing. Fail and you get jail time. He gets out of the program... immediately runs to alcohol as a way to "relax" as he says.

Now, Im not a rocket scientist. And Im not an alcoholic. But I have been to AL Anon and Ive been to AA. Ive read enough in these forums to know... once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. False promises, blah blah. BUT if a Judge can tell you, "don't drink or your going to jail" and you don't drink. Then you are fully capable of having the will power and understanding when and where and WHO is important. But as soon as you are "free" to do as you please, you rush to "relax" not matter the outcome... there's a problem.

I have begged him to talk with me about it. Ignored it. Texted. Emailed. Written notes. Anything to try to get him to engage in some sort of conversation about this topic and how hurt, scared and disappointed I am in the whole ordeal. This is such a slippery slope that he is toying with and still is continuing to try and sell the idea to me that he should be able to come home and have a few beers without being criticized, because he is a grown man. He does not realize that his drinking turns him into a huge douche, which in the last few weeks already has him staying out, not answering my calls or texts, even hanging out with other women at a restaurant and lying that he was working. This he says is all because he cant come home and "relax" because I pick a fight if I see him drinking. He has drank at LEAST a 12 pack daily for the last 3 weeks. He claims I ruin his buzz by "bothering" him when he's trying to relax so he has to hide it. Mind you, I know these are all alcoholic masks and diversions but what do I do? I don't want him to slide back into the same ol crap but it looks like he is headed that way.

He told me last night he just wants to feel like a man and the only person that is going to make him stop drinking is himself; not me, not a dr, nobody.

What can I do? I don't want to live like this again. Its only been a few weeks and its just a ing disaster. Ive tried to not get so upset but its so hard, I feel like my life is melting away. So I don't speak to him. if I say ONE thing, anything, about what he has been doing, its my fault and Im the cause of it all (the alcoholic blame game). I expressed that I don't want children to grow up like this (we don't have any yet) and he yells at me that I need to stay off facebook because that's the only reason I want kids or to get married because I see everyone else doing it. Ugh its so annoying to even attempt to talk to him!!! I don't even try if he has been drinking because he just hurts my feelings and when he's sober he completely shuts down. No apologies, nothing. He says that he has nothing to say.

What do I do? I feel so alone and helpless because I don't want to tell our families or friends he is drinking again and I have no one to talk to about it. I need help, guidance, a kind word... something.

You walk away. He is an alcoholic, and you will not stop him from drinking. You are not married ---

Leave. As you can see --- what you see is what you get.

I sympathize with you. I understand you're pulling your hair out and keep wondering what it is you can do to 'MAKE HIM SEE'.

The simple answer is you can't, because he doesn't want to see.

My ex had a drink and drug problem. I thought i could help, or TALK him into realizing. Nope. He didn't drink every day but binged with both substances a couple of times a week, to major excess and would also be a complete tw@t during.

I wasted 6 years trying to convince him to no avail. They just blame and deflect. It took a long time for me to realize i could do nothing. So i did nothing. I let him fail by himself, and didn't nag.

He developed gout and would cry in pain. I just shrugged and said 'oh well.'. He would calm down temporarily until pain stopped and start back up again because 'he's a man and he needs to RELAX'. ETC.

I'm lucky that i'm not longer in that relationship and in a fantastic one with a man who does not drink or do drugs. Hindsight is a wonderful and i wouldn't wish a relationship with an alcoholic on anyone.

The only advise i can give you, is if you're not ready to leave him, then start learning to detach yourself from him. No nagging, nothing. Just do your own thing with your life. Seperately. If he goes out drinking, go see your friends or family. Keep yourself busy. If he comes back in a nasty mood and you hate it, leave and do something elsewhere until it's safe to come home. It's true that no one can help an alchoholic change. It has to come from themselves. And he is no where near ready to quit.

Most of the times it takes them to hit rock bottom before they even think about change. And it's a lifetime thing. Some will take control once their spouse leaves, sometimes when they take the kids away, sometimes when they're in jail, sometimes when homeless, and some never get better no matter what.

Your job is to not enable him. Try looking up codependancy. It's an eye opener. There are forums out there that have tonnes of people in the same situation as you specifically for spouses of alchoholics. Reach out. Keep reading, and if you feel strong enough, then leave the relationship and let him deal with it alone.

Kind regards,

Limiya

 

He told me last night he just wants to feel like a man and the only person that is going to make him stop drinking is himself; not me, not a dr, nobody.

 

He's right. You cannot make him stop drinking.

As you said, you've been in Alanon and AA and know the deal. You can't stay with him under these circumstances. I realize breaking up is difficult, but you really have no choice.

Thank you everyone. I know that theres not much option beside be sober or leave. I told him that. He of course didn't drink for that DAY. But the next day, there is he goes. So obviously, he thought I wouldn't do much about it. So I handed him an eviction notice. It is my house we live in after all.

Of course, its always the blame game and deflecting to others its just so stupid that he would fall back into the hole even after he was nearly out. I could understand a slip up but a full blown relapse? Completely forgetting the things you learned while sober? Ugh.

But is he truly an alcoholic because to me many times it just seems that he doesn't give a . He has that "Ill do what I want, when I want" attitude and it drives me insane. He is spoiled rotten by his mother whom let him get away with murder for so long. And now, whether he is drinking or not, she baby talks him and makes sure everything is ok with her baby boy.

So its a combo of always getting what he wants AND a drinking problem????

Relapses are rampant with alcoholics, and other addicts. They think they are stronger than their addiction.

And that they can control it vs it controls them.

No. It is a drinking problem and all of the other problems stem from that. Mommy is an enabler.

Yes he has a drinking problem. Either way it doesn't matter, because his behaviour is unacceptable to you. No one should put up with bad behaviour whether it's from drink or not. In fact lots of people make excuses for bad behaviour when it comes from an alchoholic than they would from someone who isn't.

No. It is a drinking problem and all of the other problems stem from that. Mommy is an enabler.

Oh she is! When he was drinking before I had to TELL her to STOP enabling his behavior by helping him out of all his bad situations, paying his bills, blah blah. She eventually started going to Al Anon and it helped her but she still cant resist the urge to baby the out of him.

I need someone with experience in ultimatums and/or boundaries.

An example of some of my boundaries;

no sleeping in the bed if you want to drink because I hate the smell

no alcohol IN the house (he drinks in the garage)

I will not engage him or "hangout" with him if he has been drinking

I WILL not take him to buy beer or anything else if he has been drinking and cant not drive himself

I will not go places with him when he has been drinking; shopping, family functions, etc.

Now, I suppose this is an ultimatum because in the last 2-3 weeks things have went so far south so fast I don't see how he can be in denial that there are some serious issues. I wrote an eviction notice and gave it to him - no beer or leave. Do ultimatums even work? I am so serious this time!

Ultimatums never work.

Never underestimate the power of denial when dealing with an alcoholic. If you have attended Al-Anon...you know this. And you know that nothing you can say or do will stop him from drinking. He will stop only when he is ready and that day is not even on the horizon.

The only thing you can do is save yourself. Walk away.

I am not sure why that list would matter at this point if you agree that you need to leave him?

The ultimatum of leaving isn't something you're issuing to get something else. The ultimatum is just a fact: you cannot be with him if he's drinking at all. You shouldn't view this as a tool to get him to stop drinking or to save the relationship. It's got to be real; that you are not going to be with an alcoholic. There is a difference.

Deep down, I know these things. Im just very upset that he would let it over come him all over again. Its so sad to see someone lose it all... get some of it back and then blow it again because they think they can handle it this time.

It just really hurts. And Im just really tired of hurting.

And to clarify; the boundaries were BEFORE the ultimatum. I gave that on Saturday, after I was over it (even with the boundaries)

Then you must remove what is causing the pain...him.

I had an uncle who was an alcoholic... Joined AA. Remained sober for 5 years...fell of the wagon.

He was married with 3 kids. His wife told him to move out. They separated for a few years. He joined AA again...and remained sober for the rest of his life...27 years.

But then there are those that never get back on the wagon

And as much as I love him, I don't have a few years to wait around on his dumb ass to wake up. I want a family and all those that jazz. Not that I would wait for him, I didn't last time and didn't even speak to him for months. He lost a lot of weight, got sick, got another DUI, and finally woke up I guess. But why replay that?! Alcoholism is absolutely crazy to me.

Its just so sad and unfortunate. I don't have a drinking problem but I hate seeing "normal" people enjoying alcohol. I hate the smell. I hate everything about it because Ive seen it ruin all these lives.

Very true -- some never get back on the wagon.

Alcohol doesn't ruin lives. Alcoholism ruins lives.

My uncle almost lost his family --- and it took that realization for him to remain sober. He became a sponsor and helped many people stay with the program.

But --- as they teach you in AA --- they have to acknowledge that they can NEVER drink again.

No, you don't have to waste another moment of your life waiting for him. Accept that this isn't about you ---- it is about him.

I agree that the PROBLEM is not mine but the hurt/way I feel is mine. And of course, I am the only one to change that.

Maybe I was just hoping to find someone to beat some sense into him lol jk

I don't know how to get him out in the least painful way. last time, we had him involuntarily committed to a rehab program (legally only was 72hrs) but his family helped me pack all his things. This time he is clearly not so far gone and I know its going to be much more traumatic for me.

You feel like he cares more about having another drink than he cares about being with you. As painful as that sounds, it is true.

Where did he live after rehab? With his parents? Call them.

I had a "housemate" many years ago. He was a friend who had gotten divorced and wanted to rent in the same school district where his young girls went. He was supposed to be there for a year, but he stayed longer. Lost his restaurant, started drinking and doing drugs. I told he he had to move out. I gave him until the end of the month. As he wasn't packing, I asked if he needed help packing --- and he packed a duffle bag and said he was going to do a 72 hour gig at rehab and be back.

I told him he wasn't coming back. And then I called his sister and his mother and told them to come deal with him. He was over 40 years old. A decade later, he is still an alcoholic and living with his mother.

He was not my bf at the time, or ever. He was a friend.

Call his family, pack his things and put them in storage or whatever you have to do. He won't leave easily. Tell him you don't want to have to call the sheriff, but you will.

He lived on friends couches here and there. Kept all his things at his parents. He and his father have an awful relationship. His mother got a lot of the coddling nature from protecting him from his father. He's from Hungary and immigrated here during the war years ago, his fathers father was a raging alcoholic, concentration camp survivor, etc... All these things make for a terrible combo of inherited nightmarish attitudes.

So he wont go "home". His sister, who is the only person Ive told about him falling off the wagon, has let him know she wouldn't help him unless he was helping himself so to not ask her for any support. So as he said he may be "happier living in the woods in a box than listening to me about his drinking". Not sure if he can charge his new iphone in the woods...

Youre right. Hes not going anywhere easily. He's hard headed and stubborn as a mule. Thank you for all your help. I just need someone to talk to about it. To help me remember that im NOT crazy.

You aren't crazy. But you aren't dealing with a rational person.

When my housemate screamed at me "I am not leaving" ---- I told him that he lived at my house at my discretion, not his. And that he was leaving.

So --- pack his crap, put it on the porch and tell him if it isn't gone in a week/day whatever, you are throwing it out. Change your locks. And do not let him back in.

That he has "nowhere to go but the woods" is not your problem.

It absolutely baffles me how a substance can make them the most irrational, clueless, self centered people. Its amazing how alcoholism twists someones mind.

Thank you for taking the time to tell me your story. I hope to keep coming back (ill make more posts) and keeping up with everything. Ive been a reader for sometime. I guess I finally decided I needed someone to slap me in the face and tell me to keep going.

Please do. And good luck...be strong.