Ex cheated- need realistic views

I'm was trying to decide weather to get back with my ex after he cheated on my for 4-5 months with one girl . I need real advice so my emotions don't cloud my judgement. Him and this girl had sex multiple times, talked all the time, hung out. I found out from his friend. We dated for almost 4 years. He denied and lied for 3 weeks, then finally came clean.

He was extremely apologetic and begged for me back and promised to be open and claimed she meant absolutely nothing to him. When I ask him why he cheated he says He was selfish and caught up in frat life and lost himself. We are Not back together but we kept talking, and he made his intentions known while I tried to decide.

Recently I was struggling with things and told him how I felt that I don't really know him because he lied to me for months. Like when we see each other I feel happy on the surface but I was happy before when I thought he was faithful when clearly he wasn't. I said it was confusing me how this same guy I know and I enjoy could really be living a secret double life. He got mad and said "how don't you know me? You have known me. Im not a bad person I just ed up", and said stuff like "Get over it, like I apologized a million times.i can't apologize anymore. I ed up, just forgive already". Is he in denial of what he really did? How can he not understand what I'm going through or why I would doubt his character? Like I haven't even brought my feelings or the cheating up but 3 times as I work through my feelings. I ask him exactly why he cheated and he says now " I ed up that's why! It's over and I wouldn't do it again".

I told him I can't accept that he still talks to the other girl he cheated on me with. He says they are just friends and he has said "why should I punish her by not being friends when she really didn't do anything wrong, I did" and when I said I can't even consider getting back with him unless he cut her off he said "honestly we aren't in a relationship in this moment so you can't tell me who to be friends with". I explained how I can't understand how he would WANT to be her friend if he changed and is changing as much as he has claimed. I said I didn't understand how suddenly they could go from sleeping together/emotional affair to just being friends, especially since he told me that she wanted to be friends with benefits after we broke up. He says "well if you listened to anything you would remember that she wants to be that, not me, so we can be friends. unless me and you are back together I wont cut her out...unless you tell me we are on the path to get back I'm not ending our friendship. She means nothing to me so I can easily cut her out". I said if it's so easy why wouldn't he WANT to? And he just looked out the window.

Do these demands seem unreasonable ? Is he that delusional to not understand why I don't want them talking BEFORE we get back. Do you think they are still involved? And if so why does he still want me?

He cheated for 4-5 MONTHS and you are thinking of taking him back?

You need to resolve your self esteem issues and figure out why you would even consider it.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. The fact that he consciously made this decision over and over again for 4-5 months shows you that he was not thinking about you for that whole time. He showed no shame in doing that even though he knew that if he got caught, you would be hurt. Also, the fact that he lied about it for 3 weeks after and then finally came clean shows you that he cannot be trusted. You should not, under any circumstances, even think about taking him back. You will be setting yourself up to be hurt again.

If he was at a crazy frat party, had a one night stand and woke up with some chic whose name he can't remember in the morning....you could say it was a mistake and that he effed up. You simply cannot say that about dating another girl for 5 months and let's just assume that they didn't meet and instantly jump in bed, add to it that he still cannot let her go as we speak. That's not a mistake, he didn't eff up. He knows exactly what he is doing and doesn't even sound like he feels any remorse either. You would really have to be completely out of your mind to take him back. Frankly, you are wasting your time and energy by continuing to talk to him.

Why? Well, he did tell you. He IS selfish, that's why. He wants you, he wants others, he is not a kid who is happy with just picking out one candy bar at the store. If you take him back, be ready for more of the same. He doesn't even sound like he is all that sorry. All he is really asking is whether you'll take him back and put up with cheating or have the guts to drop him and walk away. He won't drop her because he likes having her on the side and I very much doubt he'll drop her even if you get back together. It's not even about her specifically, btw. If not her, it will be someone else. He is basically looking for a very specific arrangement of a steady SO who is willing to tolerate assorted side chicks.

Basically, run and don't look back. There is nothing to salvage here. Stop talking to him and stop driving yourself crazy. The world is full of men who will never cheat. There is no reason for you to drive yourself insane constantly wondering what if with this one. You can't stop a cheater from cheating and trying to police your relationship and constantly worrying where he's been is not a life, it's a living hell. No reason for you to sign up for that. Dumping him will hurt temporarily. Being with a cheater is a lifetime of pain.

Read it all back as though you are reading another person's post, is my suggestion. Really put yourself in it as though it is a someone else's story, and be in their shoes.

I felt a little bit sick even reading some of the things he was saying, is saying, to you after having cheated on you consistently and if you listen to what he is saying - his whole thought process is very calculated, self centered, irrational.

So trying to make sense out of what he says, won't work. He doesn't make normal person sense. He makes 'cheater sense'. It all goes back to making it ok that he can do what he wants to do and never having to take accountability for it.

Saying "I said I'm sorry! Geez!" isn't taking accountability. It's getting pissed off that you dare to have feelings that go against what he wants out of this. Everybody fawning and wanting him.

Typical dink, this guy is. Code Red Dink.

Of course you have a right to have feelings about it and to want to be respected. This guy just isn't about respect and caring about other people's real feelings.

This is the real him.