How do you deal with someone who always plays the victim?

I've been having trouble with my mom lately. She can't take any sort of criticism. If you tell her that you don't like the way she's acting or treating you, she will either pretend to acknowledge what you've said, and then make an excuse for why she is that way, or she'll go overboard and say something like, "I'm sorry I'm such a horrible mother. I'll try to do better."

And she won't do better because she hasn't listened to anything you've said anyway. I'm really just sick of the way she communicates. Yesterday I was trying to tell her that something she had said had made me really upset and that I thought it was uncalled for and her response was, "Well, I guess I shouldn't have said that. But here's why I said that..." No apology. Nothing. Then I tried to explain how hurtful it was, but she doesn't know how to communicate about feelings in an adult manner, so she changed the subject and just said, "Well, this is what I'll do from now on. I just won't offer to help you, and stick my nose in where I'm not needed. If you need help, you can come to me."

That wasn't even the issue! I wasn't complaining about her trying to help me! I didn't push it further because I know that the only thing that will accomplish is her to start crying and going, "Boohoo! Why do my children hate me so much??" And then post something on facebook about what an awful person she is.

I'm just so sick of people who are supposed to be adults that communicate like children. ](*,)

Sounds like she can't pick a good direction in the face of discomfort or criticism. So give her one. "When you X, I feel Y. No one likes to feel Y. Going forward, can you instead Z?" ... or.. "We all have reasons we do what we do. Can we please just change this?".. Keep it to yes/no questions for her to answer and hold her to them if she squirms. If she catastrophises, call her out on it. "No, Mom, you're catastrophising. It was an error, and we all make those." Pretty uncomfortable, but worked great over time for me.

Oh god, that's my mom. She does that way overboard reaction "Well, I'm just an awful mother, then. Leave if you don't like it." And then when I ask her, for example, that I'd like her to listen instead of offering advice until I ask for it, she will - Then I will ask for advice, when I'm done. And she'll be like "No, you don't want my advice, I just won't say anything because I can't say anything right. So don't ask me."

It's so frustrating. I stopped trying to say "Mom, that's not what I said...or implied..." which I used to do. Which made things worse somehow. I really just walk away. I don't want to walk on eggshells with a person like that so I say what I have to say and then I don't entertain that business anymore. I really just shut it down now. If I know I've come accross respectfully then I don't worry about it - I do reflect on my approach regularly. Sometimes it could have been better, but I know no matter how I go about it I will get the same response from her.

It is like..they have done a hurtful thing, but somehow you have to wind up comforting them because you've hurt their feelings by saying they hurt your feelings. lol.

 

It is like..they have done a hurtful thing, but somehow you have to wind up comforting them because you've hurt their feelings by saying they hurt your feelings. lol.

That's exactly how I feel about it.

They are trying to put you on the defensive because they don't want to own any responsibility. Stop getting defensive, period. This means going slightly offensive by holding them to the facts. It'll be like nailing jello to a wall and they will hate it, but at least your side of the conversation will be functional and congruent.

They are trying to put you on the defensive because they don't want to own any responsibility. Stop getting defensive, period. This means going slightly offensive by holding them to the facts. It'll be like nailing jello to a wall and they will hate it, but at least your side of the conversation will be functional and congruent.

How do I go about doing that? It's very difficult to have a rational conversation with her sometimes. If we disagree on something and she starts snapping and raising her voice, I'll say something like, "I don't like the way you're talking to me. You don't need to snap." And her response will be, "I'm not snapping!!!"

It's so frustrating trying to communicate with her. If she weren't my mother, I'd probably just cut her out of my life because I have very little patience for this type of stuff.

Don't engage her. Say your piece and walk away. Stop looking for her to understand or give the response you would expect is appropriate. You won't win an argument with her, you will only drive yourself batty. Ignore her and distance yourself as much as possible. If she says something disapproving of you, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way," and walk off. It will drive her nuts.

Think Tony Soprano's mother.

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this. It's tough when your parents are poor communicators and/or can't respond in a mature and adult manner. You love them and you want to respect them as your parents, but you don't agree with their behavior.

Your mom sounds like the "won't take responsibility" type. Everything is always someone else's fault, every poor behavior on her part is rationalized, and she never accepts that she is in any way imperfect, can never admit mistakes and becomes defensive.

I have known many people like this, including my ex husband and I know how challenging it can be to deal with people like this.

Here's my advice, next time she flies off the handle, calmly say, " Mom, I love you. But I don't feel I am always able to be open and honest with you. Your reactions can sometimes make it uncomfortable for me to communicate openly with you, and that makes me sad."

See what she says. This way you are expressing how you feel without placing blame.

Sorry, I know what a difficult situation this can be. But just FYI, you CAN always cut her out if you feel like you have to at some point. Or at least limit contact with her.

Best of luck.

How do I go about doing that? It's very difficult to have a rational conversation with her sometimes. If we disagree on something and she starts snapping and raising her voice, I'll say something like, "I don't like the way you're talking to me. You don't need to snap." And her response will be, "I'm not snapping!!!"

 

It's so frustrating trying to communicate with her. If she weren't my mother, I'd probably just cut her out of my life because I have very little patience for this type of stuff.

I really do just walk away when she acts like that. If your mom has no audience then there is no one there to indulge her in that sort of thinking.

I've tried very hard to work up a compassion for her as well because some parts of her are very insecure and have a tough time taking responsibility. It softens my anger. Doesn't excuse her. Just softens ME so I don't get all worked up over it.

It's a defense mechanism for people who are afraid of being a failure or afraid of not being good enough instead of realizing that criticism is a subjective opinion that could be utilized to be a better person or to grow as a human being.

You can't control how another person will react, all you can do is control how their reactions affect YOU and not letting it upset you. More rather pity their inability to grow and develop.