Is my boyfriend verbally abusive or just "teasing" me?

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 6 months. He is 26 and I am 27.

For the first few months, everything was going well. From the very first date, he began teasing me. I'd say that for the most part, I enjoyed it. Occasionally the teasing hurt a little, but I saw it mostly as playful and affectionate. We had great chemistry and I enjoyed the playful banter. However, the last month or so it has become almost unbearable.

Examples of what I mean by hurtful teasing and sarcasm:

1. We went to an event together last weekend. He went to the counter to receive the tickets, and when he returned with the tickets he handed me mine and said sarcastically, "You're welcome." The tickets were free, by the way.

2. I went in to the gas station to buy us drinks after the aforementioned event. I came back with what he asked for, but it was the wrong size. He said jokingly, "You got me the wrong size. When I tell you I want something, I expect it to meet my exact specifications." He paused for a moment, I think noticing I was hurt, and said, "I'm just teasing you. I really didn't care either way."

3. We met one of his friends three weekends ago. His friend commented on how he was happy for him and that he was "lucky to have" me, to which he replied jokingly, "She's lucky to have me." I told him later that I was hurt. He was quick to apologize, hugged me, kissed me and said, "Of course I'm lucky to have you in my life. I am more than happy with this relationship."

4. I was out of town for professional training and got lost in the city. The traffic was a nightmare and I was confused and upset. I told him about it over the phone. He started joking about how other places were worse, like Brussels. He joked about "putting things in perspective" for me. I told him later that I was hurt by his response. Again, he was quick to apologize and said, "I realized later that it was a mean joke. I'm sorry. I was just trying to lighten the mood."

5. Last weekend we were cuddling on the couch before I left. I informed him that I had to leave, at which point he jokingly replied, "I won't let you leave me. I'll strangle you if you do!" and tightened his grip around my neck. He then released me and said, "I wouldn't hurt you." He then walked me out to my car, kissed me twice, and said goodbye.

I guess I should point out that he's a jokester and that he ribs his friends and family as well. He's also very sarcastic, even about himself.

He has a few problems with me and I wonder if the teasing and sarcasm is a form of passive-aggressive communication. He has told me in the past that he felt I wasn't assertive enough, I didn't care about the relationship as much as he did, and that he felt taken for granted. I admit that at first I was allowing him to make all of the plans, pay for everything, and take all of the risks in the relationship (be the first to discuss relationship goals, ask me to be his girlfriend, etc.) But when I realized my passive behavior was hurting him, I changed. I have since started asserting myself in the relationship: treating him to dinner, making plans, baking little treats for him, etc. But none of it has really taken care of the problem with sarcasm and teasing. It's just as bad as when I first brought it up to him about three months ago. Actually, he was the one who brought it up, concerned that maybe it was too much for me. He told me he would work on it, that "the last thing" he'd want to do is hurt me, etc. But it really hasn't improved.

I am conflicted, to say the least. On the one hand, it seems obvious that he cares for me: he opens doors for me, holds my hand, wishes me good morning (every morning), cuddles and kisses me all of the time, tells me he misses me, sends me sweet texts (hearts, kisses, and funny pictures) throughout the day, keeps tabs on my health and looks for ways to improve my life, and takes an active interest in me. On the other hand, it feels like he resents me or doesn't like my behavior, and uses teasing and sarcasm as a way dealing with it.

Is this problem resolvable? I'm looking for some help here. I know that I can't put up with the excessive teasing-- I'm a highly sensitive person-- but I don't know how to deal with it. All I know is that I am very confused, frustrated, and hurt.

To me, based on what you describe, it sounds as though you are very sensitive and he is too, but you both deal with it differently. If there were other indicators he was verbally abusive or manipulative, I would maybe change my response . . . It sounds like you two are just fundamentally different. He does sound a little over the top though with the sarcasm. Just keep letting him know you don't appreciate it. Keep being assertive. For example, if he had said something to me like you described with the drink thing, I would have said, "Oh, okay. Well, next time you can go get your own damn drink then" with a smile.

He just needs to learn how to tone down his sharp tongue and his twisted sense of humour. I've ever had acquaintances who tease me in ways that make me feel uncomfortable, and it seems that they're unaware that their teasing is offensive or hurting someone else's feelings.

From what I have read he is not being verbally abusive. Next time his speech hurts your feelings, tell him immediately and he'll quickly stop.

Um, this sounds like someone inching his way to becoming at best, emotionally abusive. And that remark about strangling you and then miming it--be really careful. In fact, I would have left him over that, because working in a woman's shelter that's what many people told me was the first warning sign of physical abuse to come. Joking and "playing" around about physically hurting their partner and then later it escalated to actually doing it. You are finding yourself hurt way too often by this guy, he's looking for ways to put you down and isn't stopping now is it? No matter how often you say to stop it just keeps doing it, in fact escalating now to joking about physical abuse. That's not normal.

My take is you have an abusive person who is pushing the boundaries to a) see what you'll put up with and b) inch his way to more and more abuse. I'd tell you to leave, but you probably won't since you didn't when he put his hands around your neck. Plus my guess is you keep shouting down that little voice in the pit of your stomach that's telling you that you should end things and walk away now and you're just hoping strangers will tell you to ignore what you know. Not this one. No one who is normal and sane "jokes" about hurting another human being, they just don't. That's not teasing, it's hinting.

Take my advice to get out now while you still can.

I think even more helpful for you would be to learn how to be a bit less sensitive. Some things that may help w/ this...remind yourself he's teasing and tease back like spottiotti suggested or just ignore his comment. Smile and remind yourself he's kidding, he's not serious, he doesn't mean what he said to be hurtful. He jokes like this w/ everyone.

If you truly don't think you can do this perhaps you need to reconsider whether this relationship is for you or not. This sounds like a huge part of who he is and I doubt you'll ever see a huge change in his behavior. Do you want to be in a constant battle of always having your feelings hurt and him walking on eggshells, worrying that any comment will set you off? Doesn't sound healthy.

The only thing that was pushing too far was the last example you gave, the others...well I don't think most people would even think twice about the comments.

I suggest either working on letting these sarcastic comments roll off your back or ending it.

I don't think this sounds remotely verbally abusive. I actually think it's something else- an avoidance of intimacy or "real" conversation. People that are constantly joking sometimes seem to be avoiding serious conversation.

I think that this is fundamentally who this person is and how he likes to communicate. You may just be suffering from incompatibility. I am female and wouldn't have thought twice about anything on that list, but every person is different.

My take is you have an abusive person who is pushing the boundaries to a) see what you'll put up with and b) inch his way to more and more abuse. I'd tell you to leave, but you probably won't since you didn't when he put his hands around your neck. Plus my guess is you keep shouting down that little voice in the pit of your stomach that's telling you that you should end things and walk away now and you're just hoping strangers will tell you to ignore what you know. Not this one. No one who is normal and sane "jokes" about hurting another human being, they just don't. That's not teasing, it's hinting.

I appreciate your feedback.

He makes these jokes about hurting other people as well-- punching his boss or tripping someone at work, for example-- but as far as I can tell he's never even gotten into a fight or hurt another human being. I don't know much about his relationship history. He was with his previous girlfriend for 5 years. She found someone else and told him she wanted to remain friends. That's about all I know.

If you truly don't think you can do this perhaps you need to reconsider whether this relationship is for you or not. This sounds like a huge part of who he is and I doubt you'll ever see a huge change in his behavior. Do you want to be in a constant battle of always having your feelings hurt and him walking on eggshells, worrying that any comment will set you off? Doesn't sound healthy.

This is my fear. That I can't handle it, that he can't change, and we'll find each other constantly dealing with hurt feelings because of his bad jokes or excessive teasing.

Sadly, there are a lot of other things I like about the relationship. I also love him and want to make it work. But I've lost track of how many times I've left him feeling hurt because of the teasing.

I don't think this sounds remotely verbally abusive. I actually think it's something else- an avoidance of intimacy or "real" conversation. People that are constantly joking sometimes seem to be avoiding serious conversation.

 

I think that this is fundamentally who this person is and how he likes to communicate. You may just be suffering from incompatibility. I am female and wouldn't have thought twice about anything on that list, but every person is different.

I wonder about this as well: that he is avoiding verbal intimacy. He has told me in the past that he struggles with communicating, but it was something he was willing to improve.

I guess, at best, I can talk to him about how much it hurts me and that I struggle with the relationship because of it. There have been times when he toned down the teasing, but it only lasts a week or two before it starts right back up again. I hate to think that we are fundamentally incompatible...

From what I have read he is not being verbally abusive. Next time his speech hurts your feelings, tell him immediately and he'll quickly stop.

This is ideally what I want: for him to tone down his tongue and give me a rest every once in a while. Any of the above I could have handled on a one-by-one basis, but when it's all the time, I start getting very tired and hurt by it.

I wonder about this as well: that he is avoiding verbal intimacy. He has told me in the past that he struggles with communicating, but it was something he was willing to improve.

 

I guess, at best, I can talk to him about how much it hurts me and that I struggle with the relationship because of it. There have been times when he toned down the teasing, but it only lasts a week or two before it starts right back up again. I hate to think that we are fundamentally incompatible...

I think it starts back up because he really doesn't realize that he's doing it, not because he's being deliberately hurtful. It seems like a pretty major part of his personality.

What about the suggestion that YOU work on toughening up a bit? I don't think this is all on his shoulders. First of all, you can't change him so thinking it'll happen or trying is futile. Second, as I said, with the exception of the last example you gave I really think you're taking all of this WAY too hard and this is coming from an extremely sensitive person.

I'm currently in a similar situation, been w/ him for 2 years. It was a little rough at first as I adjusted to his chronic teasing/sarcasm but guess what? It doesn't even bother me anymore (well, on occasion it does but it's not often). At first I did ask him to tone things down a bit and it didn't last long because it's just who he is. I also immediately began working on myself and how I handle the teasing because I KNEW he wasn't serious and that being hurt constantly was pretty crappy and I didn't want to end the relationship.

Did you find that the teasing and sarcasm remained just as consistent as when you started the relationship? Have you noticed any changes in him to accommodate your sensitivity, or was all of the work done on your part?

The truth is, I have always been highly sensitive. A lot of normal sensory stimuli causes me a great deal of pain. I have been recently reading a book that would suggest that my hypersensitivity is due to my unique nervous system. So while I am told that I need to "toughen up", I wonder if that's even possible.

To say that "I take all of this way too hard" is a bit harsh, I think. But I wrote on this forum not to get butt-hurt by the responses, but to see how different women feel.

jjkk thinks I'm too sensitive, while ParisPaulette thinks he is being emotionally abusive.

I think it starts back up because he really doesn't realize that he's doing it, not because he's being deliberately hurtful. It seems like a pretty major part of his personality.

So here's the problem: deep down, I think he's being hurtful. Maybe if I change the way I view his teasing and joking, it will help. Or maybe this is the beginning of a verbally abusive relationship. I need to confront my fears, be completely honest with him, and see what comes next.

So here's the problem: deep down, I think he's being hurtful. Maybe if I change the way I view his teasing and joking, it will help.

I can't speak for him obviously, but in the list of incidents you gave, it sounded like he was trying to make you laugh, not trying to hurt your feelings.

Perhaps a shift in your perspective could work, sure; but again, the two of you might just have these fundamental parts of your personality that won't (and probably shouldn't, to some degree) change.

I can't speak for him obviously, but in the list of incidents you gave, it sounded like he was trying to make you laugh, not trying to hurt your feelings.

 

Perhaps a shift in your perspective could work, sure; but again, the two of you might just have these fundamental parts of your personality that won't (and probably shouldn't, to some degree) change.

I have worked hard at changing some behavior that he finds hurtful. Passiveness is a fundamental part of my personality, just like sarcasm is a fundamental part of his. My efforts have not been flawless, but I have noticed that with my efforts came a willingness on his part to work with it. He seems far less irritated now when I can't make up my mind or give him input.

When he first brought it to my attention, he told me that he believes partners can and should change/compromise to improve the relationship. Perhaps if I remind him of this, along with my willingness to work on being overly sensitive, he will put in the effort as well.

Only you can decide if you think trying to be less sensitive is worth it or not. Idk whether or not you can but I know I was able to. To answer your question, no, the teasing hasn't let up at all over time. It's who he is, it's how he interacts and deals w/ everyone, it's part of his personality. What has changed is it doesn't hurt my feelings anymore so I don't even think about it most of the time.

This is what I did...logically I knew he wasn't serious so I started teasing back or just smiling and blowing it off. So as soon as I noticed I was feeling hurt, I switched to my logical side and evaluated what was actually said and looked at it from a different angle and realized it wasn't a threat, it wasn't serious, etc. After a little while, the emotions followed. Anytime I'd start stressing out remembering a comment, I'd switch to the logic and remind myself it's not a threat, it's not serious, it's how he interacts w/ everyone, etc.

I will say that now he also teases me about being so sensitive. I just joke back sarcastically "yes, I'm such a delicate little flower". It's true, I'm sensitive but I've also told him I've worked really hard on "toughening up" and I've made huge improvements and hopefully he appreciates it. Fundamentally I'm a sensitive person, it's who I am and it's not entirely going to change nor would I want it to but having a bit thicker skin has actually helped me in all areas of my life because let's face it, crap happens in life.

As far as the "red flag" in his violence joke, I really think you have to take that in context to the bigger situation. It's definitely an inappropriate joke, imo, but I wouldn't make a blanket statement that anyone who jokes like this will become violent. My bf also makes the occasional committing violence joke and as far as I know he's never been violent w/ anyone, not ever been in a fight. After two years I'd think he'd start showing some kind of violent tendencies if he had them but I've seen nothing.

As for the violent joking, I'd look at his character in general, how he handles his anger (does he scream and punch walls?), what's his tone and facial expression when saying he wants to punch his boss (if he's screaming it and punches a wall I'd be worried) if it's kind of like "yeah I wanna punch him out" in a calm or smiling way I'd not jump to the conclusion that he'll turn violent. If you've ever argued does he scream, yell, call names, get in your face, do you feel threatened? If so, I'd take his violent joke in a different way than if he's showing any signs of someone who is violent.

My husband sounds just like your boyfriend, even right down to the physical "threats." It rolls off my back bc most of the time it's funny and my sense of humor meshes with his. He makes jokes about beating me, sometimes in front of people, but it doesn't bother me. It's jus how we are together. My husband is in no way whatsoever abusive and he loves me very much. He's just obnoxious.

But sometimes it does bother me, particularly if I'm feeling ultra sensitive or if we are around people I'd rather not have him say that stuff around. So I just have to be firm with my boundary--like "hey, that's enough. I'm not in the mood" and he's respectful of that.

So it's a matter of boundaries. You don't have to say you're hurt but say "please don't talk like that right now." I think the "right now" is key bc it's not saying "I don't want you to ever talk like that" but it's saying "there's a time and a place." My husband has learned to take cues from me about it. We meet in the middle so to speak.

I don't think the relationship here is doomed. I think you both have to contribute to it though--you work on letting it roll off your back sometimes and he works on reading your cues to know when you're in the mood. Or heck, create a "safe word" to let him know to stop. My husband and I have that too. Like "umbrella" may mean "that's enough. Be nicer/tone it down." You get what I mean.

For what it's worth, he does seem into you and seems to care, so try to talk to him and express your thoughts and boundaries and it can still work out.

Aww, thank-you so much for this feedback. This is what I needed to hear. I am more than willing to set boundaries and let him know when I'm not in the mood for his teasing or sarcasm. And also work on letting it "roll off my back" as everyone has been suggesting. I think he cares enough for me to make an honest effort towards improving the relationship. I know that I care enough for him to do the same.

Thank-you all-- from the brutally honest to the sympathetic and genuinely concerned-- for your responses.

He makes these jokes about hurting other people as well-- punching his boss or tripping someone at work, for example-- but as far as I can tell he's never even gotten into a fight or hurt another human being.

 

I will openly and freely admit I am uber-cautious about people who "joke" over hurting others. To me, it's crossing a line a bit by bit and desensitizing oneself to the idea that violence is in any way funny or acceptable. However this is based on working with people who really have been abused, who were the victims of violence, of having myself been physically hurt by an ex and endured real violence several times in my life where the "joke" became a reality.

 

Others may feel differently, but as a friend of mine once said who survived two physically abusive psychopaths for parents, "To those of us who've endured real violence, it just isn't funny or an acceptable form of entertainment." Like I said, that's just me but still most of us outgrow "I'll kill you" as a joke between kids when we're little. And many more of us who've had violence committed against us find nothing funny about jokes involving assault, rape, child abuse, spousal abuse and more.

 

To some that makes me uptight I'm sure, but the fact is when I see a red flag I pay attention to it. And to me at least joking about physically hurting someone is red flag based on my own experiences. I think it's a sign of hidden anger slowly coming to the surface or showing bit by bit, just as I do mean teasing and put-downs of others. I have a rather black sense of humor and sometimes it's a bit twisted, but mean? No, there's just no call for that in anyone in my books.

Just to give you an idea of my husband's sense of humor, this is a screenshot from somethin I posted about once before. He says stuff like this all the time. Mos people would call it abusive but I just think it's funny.

image removed

>>He has a few problems with me and I wonder if the teasing and sarcasm is a form of passive-aggressive communication

Well, there is sarcasm, and then there is snarkiness. And when sarcasm crosses the line into snarky, it is not appropriate.

It really sounds like he is a naturally sarcastic person. But he doesn't know how to rein it in and when it is appropriate or not.

The most important thing here is how does he make you feel? A partner is supposed to lift you up and make you feel better, secure etc., and if you feel like you are constantly fending off sarcastic/snarky verbal assaults and joking physical ones, he needs to really tone it down.

I agree with others though that some people's personalities mesh better than others. and some people's senses of humor can be totally out of sync. Some people make constant 'joking' put downs of other people, and frankly i find that not funny for people to ridicule other people then think they have a get out of jail free card by saying, 'just joking!' Some people love the 'Howard Stern' style of humor, but i find it really snarky and mean and wouldn't tolerate a partner who acted like that.

So if you are naturally sensitive , he needs to respect your feelings and rein in his inner snark-monster if he wants to be in a relationship with you, otherwise you two are just incompatible.

I think what you should try to do is talk to him and tell him you think there is a line he is crossing between 'funny' and 'snarky' lots of times. And that you'd like to point it out when he does it. And then do point it out. If he gets angry or doesn't seem to be learning how to curb the comments, then you may have to decide that he is just too passive aggressive/insensitive for you to deal with. If it bothers you a little when dating, it will bother you a LOT as time goes on.

And the pretending to be choking you is not appropriate. If he is doing that when joking, it is possible that he might cross that line when he's really angry at you and assault you physically as well. That is extremely immature behavior at best, and a sign that he might have control issues or potentially be violent when challenged in future. When i was dating, I'd always tell people right out of the gate that the first time that i will not tolerate any form of verbal or physical abuse (i.e., name-calling during arguments, slaps or shoves). It really helps if you establish your boundaries so that there are no misunderstandings, and if they cross a serious boundary after being warned, that is your red flag that you need to let the person go.

This is my fear. That I can't handle it, that he can't change, and we'll find each other constantly dealing with hurt feelings because of his bad jokes or excessive teasing.Sadly, there are a lot of other things I like about the relationship. I also love him and want to make it work. But I've lost track of how many times I've left him feeling hurt because of the teasing.

vivo.... I agree with the others. This is not verbal abuse...this is him having a very sarcastic sense of humor and you being ultra-sensitive. I would say you two are just incompatible in this regard.

My boyfriend has a very sarcastic sense of humor also...and I just give it right back to him! And more. We banter constantly...but it's really fun for us to go back and forth to see who can "up" each other. It's all done in jest, and it's fun for us to tease each other like that.

Even the strangling remark...I read that as him TOTALLY teasing you! When bantering with my bf I have often said (joking around).."arghhh..... I could kill you!" With a wink and a smile of course, obviously I'm teasing and I don't mean it for one second!

The difference between my boyfriend and I and you and YOUR boyfriend is that we BOTH know we're kidding around, teasing and just being playful. You, on the other hand, are very sensitive and are hurt by his comments.

IMO...there is nothing wrong with what HE is doing and NOTHING wrong with what YOU are doing....you two are just DIFFERENT. This is one of those major personality differences that's very difficult to resolve.

I guess the only thing you can do is talk to him about it, let him know his comments hurt you...even though you know he's only teasing. Perhaps HE can make an effort tone it down...and YOU can make an effort to realize he's just teasing you...and look at him teasing you as a sign of endearment (which is what it is)...and not take it so literally and personally.

>>and look at him teasing you as a sign of endearment (which is what it is)...and not take it so literally and personally.

Actually I don't agree with this because excessive sarcasm can be used as passive aggression and bullying. It is the INTENT of the sarcasm (and sarcasm is frequently not done with good intent in passive aggressive people). So she may not be overly sensitive, he may just be very passive aggressive with constant sarcasm as a means to vent anger/irritation/passive aggression rather than 'endearments'.

The OP would have to evaluate the context and how this sarcams makes her feel. If is is constantly on edge and he is being critical and then when she objects he tells her to 'get over it' or 'you're too passive' or 'you're too sensitive,' that is more about him wanting to be a sarcastic bully and expecting her to tolerate it or else he will criticize her.