My boyfriend touches me in my sleep

This is really hard for me to write. I feel like I have no one to talk too. I can't tell my parents, friends.. and all I want it some advice.

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and a half now and he is without a doubt the best thing to ever happen to me. He is the sweetest most caring person in the world. And then just like that, everything can change.

I am a deep sleeper. He knows this. Yet sometimes when I've been asleep I'll lightly wake up to find that he is rubbing my breasts. I just ignored it. But then it became a continuous thing - Putting my hand on his private parts etc. I briefly mentioned it to him, quite upset and he just insisted that he wakes up during the night and masturbating helps him to sleep. Having me there gets it over with quite as he's more aroused touching me. The worst experience I've had is after a surprise leaving party for me. We were both drunk and when we came home and we went to bed, I awoke at about 4.am only to find he was on top of me having sex whilst I was out of it. I've never been so hurt. I cried so much. He swore he wouldn't do it again until yesterday. He came to visit me at university and again, whilst waking up, I discovered that he had placed my hands on his genitals. I just went into my bathroom, locked the door and cried my eyes out. He cried with me and was so ashamed. But I don't know what to make of it.

I must say, these occurrences only seem to happen once he's had alcohol. But during the day he isn't like it at all. He's cried himself, begged for forgiveness but I just don't know what to do anymore. I haven't been so upset.

You've told him that touching you sexually is a no go for you. He keeps doing it.

He makes all the right noises when you are awake, but when you are asleep, he does what he wants.

His being ashamed means nothing. There is a word for having sex with someone when they can't consent.

Either you break up with him because he won't stop, or you stop letting him sleep near you when he's drinking.

sounds like he is disrespecting your boundaries and I believe that is considered borderline rape. It happens a lot and you talked to him and continues to happen, I would consider leaving him. I doubt he'll stop

like agent said... he's "ashamed" because he got caught, he would of preferred to get his rocks off and you never know

don't buy the masturbation excuse, your body isn't to be used as a simple "arousal tool" anytime he is having a bit of insomnia

For me that would actually be a turn on, but that's why I told my bf from the get go that he can always touch me while I'm asleep if he wants.

But if I said no, he'd surely respect that boundary.

Just as was said before, he's disrespecting your boundaries and he's not truly ashamed for doing it he's embarrassed for getting caught.

If this were a boundary for me I would be putting my foot down and you should too. Otherwise this relationship won't work.

He's supposed to make you feel respected, loved and safe. Instead he's making you feel violated, sick to your stomach and alone. Alcohol doesn't actually change people into completely different ones. Even when drunkards say they'd never beat their children sober, all I think is alcohol lowers existing inhibitions.

You have to stand up for you. But I'd be more concerned about his genuine lack of respect for you.

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ok so lets start with you said you love him. what about him do you love.? i agree he is not respecting your boundries this does not mean he does not love you. it simply means that he has self control issues. if you love him then make decisions in your life that will help him in his. by letting him off the hook when he crys or is asshamed you are reassuring him to fall into a pattern. much like a child throwing a fit till the parent gives in. he is now playing you. and you are allowing it with your action. if you love him and want this behavior you have to get into his mind and understand what he is doing and why. the answer because you continue to allow it even though you do not want it.

Step 1: he is not allowed to sleep with you in the bed anymore. result he will desire what he can not obtain and he will fold to your demands to obtain it. behavior will continue if you allow him to return to the bed too soon.

step 2 that he is not allowed to feel bad for a choice he made. you are the victum not him. result he will start to see you have the power an start to respect you

step 3: communicate what happened in your life that makes this action make you fall out of your comfort zone. because if you love him like you say you do then you can be happy that he desires you and wants to feel your touch. though going about it the wrong way. result he can understand you and your reasons better

step 4: tell him that if he continues to push your bonderies you will leave. fear is a great motivater. and if he leaves for any of the actions you did above he was not worth your time anyways because you deserve no less then what you want.

Just to be clear, he only does this when he has been drinking alcohol; is that correct? chi

If this occurs only when he has been drinking, then either tell him to quit drinking to that extent, or when he does drink, he sleeps in another room for that night. If he has self-control issues, then he should get these issues sorted out because he can't go around touching you up (or anyone else) just because his excuse is that he was "drunk", then cries about getting caught out and claims he is so ashamed, only to repeat it the next time, and the next, and the next. Maybe it would be a good idea for him to go to AA or seek counseling.

I'd run far and fast.

I'd run far and fast.

So would I.

I think there are a lot of things in relationships that are worth discussing more than once, and compromising on and working on.

Someone violating my sexual boundaries though is not one of them. Alcohol or no.

I'd run far and fast.

^ Me too!!

Why are you still with this guy? He knows he can cry and you'll forgive him each time. Disturbing..

A boundary is a boundary I guess? I do find the reaction pretty extreme assuming that you are a couple and sexual and everything. I'm not talk about the time when he was on top of you, but the last time of simply having your hands on himself. If this is a landmine event he needs to be told of that I suppose. A year and a half together is getting to be a fairly long time and consent does become more subtle. I guess I'm just trying to figure out the locking in the bathroom and crying uncontrollably, I find it so bizarre.

I am going to be very blunt here. You say no, you cry, and yet he keeps doing it. No means no and yet he waits until you can't say no and then he helps himself to your body. And yet in spite of his crying and telling you he's ashamed the fact is he chooses his own sexual needs over respecting you. Alcohol is either just a cover--i.e. I was drunk, so I'm not responsible or it's just that it lowers his inhibitions, but regardless he is forcing himself on you at your most vulnerable and your tears and telling him no don't make any difference. He does it anyways.

Sex between consenting adults is one thing, but what you describe here is not consensual. I'm really disturbed by what you describe. You should be too.

Are you sure he isn't doing this at least partially asleep and not even totally realizing what he's doing? It happens.

I totally agree w/ lukeb, the on top having sex might make some people upset for sure but I find it way dramatic to be in the bathroom sobbing because you woke up w/ your hands on your bf of 1 1/2 years penis. How do you know he put them there? Maybe you grabbed his junk in your sleep. It makes me wonder what else is going on to provoke such an extreme reaction.

This isn't just "disrespecting a boundary", this is RAPE. You woke up with him on top of you having sex with you? That is rape. You did not give consent, and you were very clear in the times preceding that, that you did not wish to be violated in your sleep. He ignored those wishes and raped you.

You need to leave NOW. This is not healthy and he won't stop. The amount he has had to drink is irrelevant.

If you feel comfortable with it, I would report it to the police. I can understand if you don't feel comfortable doing that, but know that if he has no problem doing it to you, he WILL do it others as well.

I'm with misssmith. Every guy I've been with has had consent to "wake me up ". I think it's super hot. My current bf is a really deep sleeper, but his penis isn't, and he's given me consent to "use" him (he wakes up after a minute or two). But if it ever wasn't okay....it just wouldn't happen. It's a total violation. He doesn't respect you. This is not going to change. If you stay with him, this will happen again...he just "doesn't get it" (I wouldn't either...but I wouldn't stay with someone if we didn't sync like that). It's time to end things with him and find a more compatible partner.

Why does it bother you so much though? I mean...I get the sex thing when you had said no...but why no to the groping? You're in a committed relationship...cuddling...hands going everywhere...waking up to oral....that's the fun stuff. How is intimacy between you two otherwise? Is it a normal sexual relationship or is sex in general a hang up for you?

There's no judgement in this post btw, I'm just trying to understand.

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I'm with misssmith. Every guy I've been with has had consent to "wake me up ". I think it's super hot. My current bf is a really deep sleeper, but his penis isn't, and he's given me consent to "use" him (he wakes up after a minute or two).

This made me chuckle Glad it works out for you guys.

I've never had sleep sex, but I have had sleepy sex (middle of the night/early morning sexy times) initiated by my SO. I've found it nice.

This is not going to change. If you stay with him, this will happen again...he just "doesn't get it" (I wouldn't either...but I wouldn't stay with someone if we didn't sync like that). It's time to end things with him and find a more compatible partner.

Exactly, this is so important! Compatibility is much more than liking the same tv shows and music..

Views on sex, relationships, friendships is important.

Why does it bother you so much though? I mean...I get the sex thing when you had said no...but why no to the groping? You're in a committed relationship...cuddling...hands going everywhere...waking up to oral....that's the fun stuff. How is intimacy between you two otherwise? Is it a normal sexual relationship or is sex in general a hang up for you?

 

There's no judgement in this post btw, I'm just trying to understand.

These are good questions, OP. No judgement here as well.

Would you have a problem if instead of doing this, he just went and satisfied himself to porn?

My previous relationship was an abusing one. I was lied too constantly and he dealt drugs behind my back. It ended in the worst way possible and after that I was a total wreck. My current boyfriend totally lifted me up after that and I finally learned to trust someone again. I literally have no other problems with him, cam't fault him at all. So, I forgave him. But after having it done again, that was why I cried so much. I was emotional before but I never really cried like I had and it just really made me feel horrible. I was promised to that it would never happen again, after what was basically said - borderline rape - so I just wanted to clear up why I reacted the way I did. I just felt like I'm a sexual object and he has no respect for me at all.

Thanks for the advice. It felt so horrible not being able to tell someone. But I'm dealing with it right now.

So would I.

 

I think there are a lot of things in relationships that are worth discussing more than once, and compromising on and working on.

 

Someone violating my sexual boundaries though is not one of them. Alcohol or no.

My dad has a very wise saying: "No one has ever eaten dog crap when drunk." Alcohol is not an end-all excuse for bad behavior.

A boundary is a boundary I guess? I do find the reaction pretty extreme assuming that you are a couple and sexual and everything. I'm not talk about the time when he was on top of you, but the last time of simply having your hands on himself. If this is a landmine event he needs to be told of that I suppose. A year and a half together is getting to be a fairly long time and consent does become more subtle. I guess I'm just trying to figure out the locking in the bathroom and crying uncontrollably, I find it so bizarre.

She had laid out her boundaries. She had stated she does not like to be sexually touched while asleep. What is subtle about that? She was in the bathroom crying because she woke up to someone interacting with her sexually (touching her genitalia) against her explicit consent... which is otherwise known as rape.

You should break up with him. The reason you felt like a sexual object is because he was treating you as one. You can do better. SO MANY men would never do this do you.

But *why* do you feel like a sexual object? You don't need to respond here to that....but you do need to really think on why....it's not a normal reaction to get that upset about a long term bf that you have a loving relationship with touching you. I'm the last person to recommend therapy...but this might be a case where you need to delve deep and figure out why. I'm not sure if it's a past thing (like sexual abuse) or if you and your bf have other issues that maybe you're not able to articulate- so you use the touching thing as the focus of your anger...Once again, no judgment...and you don't need to answer these questions here..but it's something to think about. (((hugs)))

I'm a bit shocked at a few of these responses. The expectation that she should be OK with this simply because they're in a relationship is appalling. Should a man have unrestricted access to his wife's body because they're married, even if she doesn't want it? Why should it matter if she's asleep or not? In one state of consciousness, she's able to verbally say no. In the other, she does not have that ability. Inability to say no does not equal consent. She doesn't want him touching her sexually when she's asleep. She told him this. He continued to do it. There is nothing OK about that.

I'm a bit shocked at a few of these responses. The expectation that she should be OK with this simply because they're in a relationship is appalling. Should a man have unrestricted access to his wife's body because they're married, even if she doesn't want it?

Why should it matter if she's asleep or not? In one state of consciousness, she's able to verbally say no. In the other, she does not have that ability. Inability to say no does not equal consent. She doesn't want him touching her sexually when she's asleep. She told him this. He continued to do it. There is nothing OK about that.

I don't know about the others that were posting, I can only speak for myself...but I'm curious as to why anyone would feel violated when their long term bf, who they have a sexual relationship with and love, and who loves them back...would feel like their SO is objectifying them by groping them. My bf gropes me all the time. I probably do it to him more though. It's fun! I want him to touch me because we have a healthy, loving relationship where sex is welcome.

I understand why the OP was upset when he had sex with her when she had said no. I understand why she would be upset with him groping her after she said no.

But I don't understand why she doesn't want him groping her at all when she's sleeping. Like...from the beginning. Because...that's not a normal response...unless you've had a traumatic incidence in your past, have grown up in a conservative culture where sex is dirty, or if you don't trust your SO. And all I'm saying....is that she should figure out *why* the idea of being touched by an SO upsets her so much (like how she reacted to the first time he did it. His subsequent gropings were wrong...I think she should end things with him for not complying with her request).