Marriage Ultimatum

My sister and I both met our significant others at the same time. My husband proposed after 2 years and we've been married for 5. My sister however has yet to get engaged. About a year ago, she gave her boyfriend an ultimatum that if he didn't propose by the end of this summer, she was done. He promised that they would be engaged by summer's end, swore up and down. The year came and went. Summer ended and he didn't propose.

Now, she feels that he probably never will. She wants kids and is turning 33 this year. She's torn whether to continue an otherwise good relationship, or move on to someone willing to make that commitment and settle down together.

I don't know what kind of advice to give her on this when she asks my opinion. Any thoughts?

Everyone has their own timing. Either he doesn’t want to get married and doesn’t want to lose her, or he doesn’t want her to be expecting the proposal (if he is planning one) so he’s trying to throw her off. Either way, she needs to talk to him about how she is feeling.

If after 7 years he hasn't been excited about her enough to propose...does she really want him? Why wouldn't she want to find a guy that's enthusiastic about her...most men know that if they like it, they need to put a ring on it.

I've dated a few divorced guys that got married because "they had been together several years, and everyone loved her...and well, I loved her...we had been together for x years and bought a house together....and she was a nice girl...it would make her happy....it was, just the next step." Bleh. If someone proposes to me ever because they feel obligated...I'd run. Those guys are divorced because....they didn't actually want to get married.

Just my 2 cents. But I'm one of those crazy romantics...so maybe my opinion will get slaughtered

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I don't understand why people always say 'if he's not ready to marry after x amount of years, he obviously isn't in love'.

Some people just don't like the idea of marriage. Why does he marrying her validate his love for her any more than he is now? Getting married won't magically strengthen his love for her.

He either loves her, or he doesn't. Marriage or no marriage.

I agree. Years shouldn’t be the deciding factor. We got married after 7 years. Doesn’t mean my husband loves me any less. I think that phrase spins people’s minds to places they really don’t need to be.

Getting married DOES change things though, imo. It strengthens if it’s right. It will break a bond if it’s wrong.

IF your sister isn't happy she should leave, not give him an ultimatum.

I didn't say anything about love. I said excited. I want a guy that excited about me....I think everyone should be with someone that's excited about them. I also said I'm a hopeless romantic.

The OPs sister has told her bf she wants to get married. He didn't propose. He doesn't want to marry her. She wants to get married. They have conflicting interests. She can stay and hope he changes his mind. But her eggs are getting wacky while she's waiting...so...*shrugs*

ETA: Action expresses priority.

It's not that she is unhappy with the relationship it self. She's happy with him. BUT she is very, very adamant that she wants to be married before having kids. She won't budge on that aspect. That's what makes the decision hard for her.

It's not that she is unhappy with the relationship it self. She's happy with him. BUT she is very, very adamant that she wants to be married before having kids. She won't budge on that aspect. That's what makes the decision hard for her.

They are on different pages. So she can either change or leave. She has made her feelings clear and things haven't change, so its up to her to go if she doesn't liek the direction of the relationship.

To me, it isn't about just about love; it's about shared values and goals.

If a guy isn't interested in marriage and children, then he's not the one for me. No matter how "nice" or "loving" he is.

And I think it's totally appropriate to have a timeframe for marriage; in fact, if a woman wants children naturally and within the context of a marriage, she needs a timeframe. If they have talked about marriage, it's been 7 years, it's past the time he promised he would propose, and nothing is moving forward, she needs to move on and stop wasting her own time.

Not everyone needs marriage or wants marriage. That's ok. No judgement on that. But that means lack of fundamental compatibility.

If I were you, I would ask your sister how long she would be willing to stay in this relationship without marriage and family. Another year? Another two? Would she be willing to accept staying with him indefinitely and missing out on a chance to have children? She needs to think very clearly on this because she is going to have to be the one to walk away. He's perfectly happy to date her indefinitely.

Would she be ok with having children with him without being married? If so she should talk to him about having children soon due to her time frame. If he doesn't want to have children at all she should break up with him. He doesn't seem interested in getting married at all, to her, so if marriage is a deal breaker for her she should definitely break up. She shouldn't wait around any longer as she'd be losing her chance to have children.

I had one girl give me an ultimatum like that while I was at work one hitch 5-6 years ago, I quickly told her to kiss my ass

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If she feels like the only way to get a proposal is by doing an ultimatum, it makes me think they don't communicate very well with each other. So communication is the key here, they should sit down and talk about the marriage and the children and clear things out about what each one wants.

I think after 7 years they should know each other well enough to know these things about each other.

If she choses to make an ultimatum to get what she wants, rather than explaining what she wishes and why it is so, I think she is getting more chances not to get what she wants and eventually to be left by him because no one likes to be pressured or threatened like that.

An ultimatum is a horrible way to 'win' a proposal, because nobody can 'win' after that. I'd tell sister to ask herself, "If you knew that BF would never give you anything more that what you have together right now--no less, but no more--would you stay or go?"

If the answer is 'stay,' then take marriage off the table and enjoy your relationship. If the answer is 'go,' then the next question is 'when'?

I'd pick the day that I'm done, put my plans in order, and I'd tell BF that I adore him but deserve to be with someone who envisions the same future as me, so I wish him well. Then I'd move on to grieve and heal.

An ultimatum is a horrible way to 'win' a proposal, because nobody can 'win' after that. I'd tell sister to ask herself, "If you knew that BF would never give you anything more that what you have together right now--no less, but no more--would you stay or go?"

 

If the answer is 'stay,' then take marriage off the table and enjoy your relationship. If the answer is 'go,' then the next question is 'when'?

 

I'd pick the day that I'm done, put my plans in order, and I'd tell BF that I adore him but deserve to be with someone who envisions the same future as me, so I wish him well. Then I'd move on to grieve and heal.

I agree with this and do not agree that she should settle for having children without being married. It's not fair to the child especially since the child will be raised in a family where the mother resents the father for not marrying her and of course it's less stable legally and financially for the child.

I would tell your sister to look into freezing her eggs before she turns 35.

I think she needs to really sit down and determine whether she'd be happy staying with him if he never marries her and never agrees to have kids with her. If she can, then she might stay.

But if she really wants marriage and kids, this guy is getting no closer to that and is probably just fine with the way things are. So they have different goals in life. She's already given him a chance to show he wants to go in the same direction (marriage) that she does, and he's shown he's not interested in that. So she needs to assess her priorities and life goals, and if being with him is not meeting them, then she needs to let go and start looking for someone who will meet them.

I don't think ultimatums when it comes to something as important as marriage is a bad idea as long as the ultimatum is more about happiness and a timeline than about control.

My boyfriend has one and the deadline is somewhat approaching.

No,person is getting 5-7 years of my life with no legal formal and religious commitment... It's too important to me.

If it's important to me it should be important to,him and thus said ultimatum isn't as big of an issue as people make,it,out,to be.

If it doesn't happen then I start my life,over.

Win win as far as I'm concerned.

Would she be ok with having children with him without being married?.

There are studies out there that support that having children while married is better than having them without marriage. Here is one done by the University of Winsconsin: link removed

If she feels like the only way to get a proposal is by doing an ultimatum, it makes me think they don't communicate very well with each other. So communication is the key here, they should sit down and talk about the marriage and the children and clear things out about what each one wants.

This observation is so dead on. You should NEVER resort to ultimatums to get a wedding proposal. They are confrontational, hostile, and punishing approaches that only adds to the man's anxiety whether he wants to marry or not. They can also scare the guy off because ultimatums reinforce that you are a pushy, hostile person and this is how you will deal with conflict in the near future if he marries you.

An open conversation gets for desirable results. They address needs and boundaries to make decisions together. If you can't have a conversation like this, then you and your partner are NOT suitable for marriage. A marriage is all about compromise and a willingness to work in a partnership.

I agree with redrose85, everyone has their own timing and your sister's boyfriend probably doesn't feel ready for marriage yet, perhaps for very valid reasons like financial issues or parental disapproval. However it was wrong of him to promise something with a deadline that he cannot commit to.

Best not to interfere and let the couple settle this themselves, the best you can do is to encourage them to communicate with each other about how they feel so that they can come to a compromise together. No matter their decision, support your sister through it.

This is a compatibility and timing issue. You can be compatible about many things, have a good relationship, and ultimately STILL have a non-compromising issue come up that you cannot agree on, and you break up. Many people break up because they cannot reach a compromise on a non-negotiable issue.

Marriage is a non-compromising issue to most people. You want it or you don't. It doesn't matter which, but it is essential that you be on the same page, or the relationship will never work, even if you love each other.

If I man wants to propose, he will.

He hasn't proposed. There's a reason. Either because he doesn't want to propose to her, or he isn't ready. Issuing an ultimatum does not help, because it doesn't change what he is feeling. And would she really want him proposing out of fear or frustration and not out of love?

Your sister needs to decide if she can be happy with things as they are. Or if she is willing to compromise with him.

If she isn't willing to wait for him, then she needs to leave.

Unfortunately, sometimes even great relationships require some kind of sacrifice on our parts. The question then is what are you and aren't willing to sacrifice for that particular relationship with that particular person. This is what she needs to consider.

I'm glad your sister is finally voicing her opinions and putting her foot down. He won't marry her. If a person shares common life goals and values, they will ultimately be a better choice. Foot rubs and sweet words will never hold a candle to publicly committing and expressing your love to each other, and protecting eachother (legal wise), and exchanging vows.

There is nothing with putting a timeline on things. He said summer, and did not come through. Why even bother with someone who can't commit to you? And if he runs because of her request even after he said he would, then he probably didn't love her that much to begin with. It's just hard to think of life without someone after being with them for 7 years.