Long distance relationship -- need advice

(Names have been changed)

Joe and I originally met on an online dating app in June of 2012. We are both from Massachusetts, and initially lived within 20 min of each other. We had an instant connection, conversation was AWESOME from the get go, very comfortable, witty and free-flowing. Around the same time I started talking to Joe, I started talking to Billy. Billy was flashy and aggressive, and asked me out on a date quickly. I was wowed at the time, so I respectfully sent Joe a text that I had decided to pursue something with Billy. Joe and I remained in contact throughout my relationship with Billy as friends. Billy and I ended up breaking up in July of 2013. I ended up going on a lot of dates that summer, and Joe was the guy I always went to for relationship advice, and vice versa. Joe would later confide that whenever I did that he was always thinking, "argh, these guys are scumbags, why doesn't she just date me?"

In October of 2013, I had been dating a guy named Eric for a couple of months. We had even decided to be "boyfriend and girlfriend". One day Eric remarked that I texted Joe more than I texted him -- and that's when I realized it "OMG I totally have a crush on Joe"! Joe admitted that he had felt the same way, that he had really wanted to pursue something serious with me back when we started talking in June of 2012. So I gently broke up with Eric, and Joe and I started dating. He officially and deliciously cheesily asked me to be his girlfriend at the beginning of November. He said things like "I cant wait to tell you I love you in person" and "happy day of birth to my baby, who was born today 31 years ago and made it so that I would look into her freaky chameleon eyes (they change color) and never want to look away" Blissful, amaaaaazing times with my best friend and the love of my life.

Joe and I knew everything about each other, so his upcoming contract pharmacist job at an army base in Alaska was no surprise. After a few postponements by the army and the contracting company, Joe finally shipped out to a relatively remote base in the middle of the state at the end of December 2013. We continued to text several times a day, call at least once a day sometimes staying on the phone for hours and hours. I flew up to Alaska every 4 to 6 weeks to spend between 5 and 12 days with him, and he always bought my tickets. They weren't cheap, generally between 900 and 1200 bucks a pop. We had some great times, went snowboarding, did some righteous hiking, but mostly did coupley-errandy stuff because I wanted him to save his money and I wanted things to feel as they would feel if we were living together. We had both discussed our long term goals for the future and we both adamantly agreed that we love each other, we want to marry each other and have children.

Joe's contract with the remote base in the middle of the state was slated to end in July 2013. Joe had presumed that he would have found a job back in Massachusetts at the point. With no other prospects coming up, and student loan payments and a big car payment hitting in August among other bills, Joe had to get a job FAST. He accepted a position at a military base in a more urban, southern part of Alaska. I am incredibly supportive of this because of the good he can do for the veterans and citizens that he sees as patients in the hospital and what it will do for his career. I am incredibly proud of him, and I tell him CONSTANTLY. He is amazing, intelligent, athletic, attractive, funny, sweet, kind, and he has the best butt I have ever seen to boot. He grew up in the projects and has busted his butt to help support his mother and sister and to rise several socioeconomic classes. The new contract gives Joe an opportunity to pay his bills, get ahead, spend time with his fraternity brothers and have something to fall back on while he was looking for a job in MA . He will be in Alaska until July of 2015. I asked him if he was ok with being in a long distance relationship until then and he said that "peeps gotta do what peeps gotta do". We both agreed that if we wanted an open relationship we would discuss that before hand, and he expressed that he was happy with just being with me. His new work schedule is very different, overnights 7days on 7days off, with erradic training hours prior. Before that, Joe had been working 7am to 3pm.

I knew contact would become more sporadic as this position is more challenging than the previous one AND the hours would cause him to have to readjust his sleep schedule, and he has much less privacy. While he was working for the remote base, he had his own furnished cabin about 30 min from the base atop a little ski mountain, but now that he has the new contract, he is staying in his fraternity brother's condo with him and his fiancée until he can find his own apartment that will be safe for his baby, his dog, my "furry stepson" . Joe's dog and his frat brother's dog don't get along, his frat brother and his fiancée often fight, the fiancée is very attention-centric and Joe does not get a lot of privacy. (Previous to this, we had a very hot textual sex life in addition to the hot one we had in person) Joe also suffers from some pretty intense ADHD and currently has no health insurance so he cannot take his medication. I also have ADHD, most likely have PTSD and possibly an abandonment complex.

Contact has still been steady up through August 13th. I recently had a homeless scare when my roommate lost her job which caused me to panic and reach out to Joe textually, sometimes frantically, as I did not take time to stop and think, all I wanted was reassurance of Joe's love to lessen the sting of potential homelessness and other family drama. I have been working 3 jobs where I am very active (service industry and active animal care jobs), studying for nursing school entrance exams, and not sleeping very well. Communication has dwindled since August 13th. He has expressed that he is exhausted from the new schedule, and working weird hours. The last five times I called him Sun 8/24-Thurs 8/28) he did not pick up the phone (this has NEVER happened with me and him before) We were not completely out of communication as we had been texting during that time period. He has not said "I love you" since Friday 8/29 (As I write this it is Weds 9/3/14 @ 1:30 am) I pleaded with him to please respond late Sunday night/early Monday morning, but I sent about 15 frantic messages, to which his reply was "I'm just spit balling here... But could I be busy? Could I be fairly exhausted with my odd schedule and not good sleep times due to the odd half night shifts I was working? And now when I am trying to/can/need to sleep I get several frantic texts that seem to be leading to a lot of stress that I don't want to take on atm. Am I ok? Yes I already answered that. I do feel as tho I'm being suffocated and makes me want to ask for a break because I feel that you're badgering me relentlessly..."

My reply was "Id rather not take a break, as people don't get back together after breaks. Have you thought about or even care about my needs? This situation is just weird to me. Let's just stay together. I'm not going to contact you (via Facebook, phone or email) until further notice. Does that work? I love you, and good luck with your endeavors" I then sent another text 5 minutes later that said "Id appreciate an 'I love you' if you still do and confirmation that staying together and not contacting you works (as weird as that is). once I receive confirmation, I'm halting all communication until you initiate it". He did not respond to these messages. I've decided to halt contact anyway.

I'm DEFINITELY regretting my word choice, I should have said "I'm sorry you feel suffocated, I will give you space, I love you, good luck", and it is hard to not send that now, but im sticking to my guns.

I am wondering if this is a true "break" or if this is a precursor to an actual breakup. Joe has always been straight forward and honest with me, so in my heart of hearts I am not doubting that he just needs space. perhaps he feels helpless that he cannot be here physically to support me during this tough time and he has to stay focused on work to ease the pain besides the exhaustion of adjusting to new schedule and his lack of ADHD medication. sometimes I get scared that he might be cheating (he has a new friend on facebook that is a cute pharmacist that he works with, but he just friended her he doesn't like her posts and I think she may be married; I know it's probably silly that im thinking that he might be sleeping with her) Joe has expressed that he loves me so he has to trust me, so I think I need to do the same.

I love him, and I want to be with him. How long should I wait before he contacts me to decide if I should break up with him? Should I even do that? Should I wait a month and then contact him if he doesn't contact me? (I don't think that will happen, I think he will contact me more soon. I just feel really anxious, as I want to be there to support him. Any ideas?

All I read here... is "Me, Me, Me. My feelings. My life. Pout, Pout, Stomp. WHAT ABOUT ME?!"

"Joe" is working a HORRIBLE shift. He is lacking sleep, He is dealing with stress that you may not know about, and then he's dealing with you. Relationships are give AND take... You're just taking.

You are not only smothering, but you are obsessing in an alarming manner that - i'm sorry, forget the red flags, your sending up flare signals.

I will tell you like I told my ex husband recently ...Life ain't about you. His world does not revolve around you. In addition: He has a life and responsibilities outside of you, and the amount of stress youre adding, is just ridiculous. Re Read your post. Tell me ONE time where you considered his feelings. Just ONE.

ONE moment where you thought to yourself, "Pharmacy is NOT an easy job" or "Night shift is BRUTAL, how will he adapt? Is he adapting?" how about "What can I do to HELP him and IMPROVE his life" ...not make it worse.

Let me now spare you. There were no moments like that.

You're obsessive, smothering, definitely have some severe abandonment issues, and you don't need Joe, you need time alone, to yourself, where you can truly work out your issues. Good Luck

So, it sounds like you guys started out amazing, and then you became a ball of nerves full of anxiety and now he doesn't know what to do. Between that and his life being somewhat up in the air (not knowing where he will live, not working normal hours) he is probably overwhelmed.

If you truly care about him, then you need to stick to no contact. It's the only way to get your anxiety under control. The more you reach out to him, the more he will pull back, and the more anxious you are going to fell. I know because I've been there.

The abandonment issues you mentioned earlier in your post sound correct. I've had them and have had to work very hard to overcome them.

You asking us how long to give him before you break up with him is your way of trying to regain control. But do you REALLY want to break up with him? Or is that your anxity/abandonment talking? (I"ll leave him before he has the chance to leave me!)

Oh the trials and tribulations of human communication. Intent and interpretation is never the same. C'est la vie! It is partially my fault as I have difficulties with being concise. I feel helpless because I want to be able to anticipate his needs and help him and I can get no sense of this. I am sure I am going to get a plethora of different replies from individuals from all walks of life. I find these responses comforting, as not all the details of our relationship are posted here as they are private. I was seeking a lack of harsh judgment and compassionate advice, but perhaps it was quite naive of me to assume that some people would not adequately balance their constructive criticism with therapeutic analysis. My post was open to every possible analysis, e.g. perhaps I am too wrapped up in my own head, perhaps he is cheating or something completely different. At the very least, my thread and the commentary has given me a deeper appreciation not only of my relationship with "Joe" but also with my friends, family and myself. I initially went to this board as my friends and family are overwhelmed with their own issues, of which I love helping them with and don't want to burden them, so I choose public forums instead. Oh my did that backfire. I find it hilarious and coincidental that I saw a white dove as I read these posts as well. "ChiBrunette", my darling, you are forgiven as you don't have a proper understanding of mental illness nor the desire to analyze it and help people cope with it to live fruitful productive lives dedicated to helping others. If you do not have the desire to foster a sense of growth or positivity, this may not be the place for you. For the positive responses, thank you all, I will do my best to make sure I interpret your responses appropriately and take your advice if I deem it fitting. To all of you, I PROMISE I will never say anything negative about your situations whether or not I agree with them or not, I will treat you with dignity and respect, and I will do my best to motivate and inspire you all for greatness and positive change in your lives. Look forward to chatting with you all soon!

I'm not going to contact you (via Facebook, phone or email) until further notice. Does that work? I love you, and good luck with your endeavors" I then sent another text 5 minutes later

To make the assumption, based on what you wrote about Joe, that he is cheating, would be inappropriate.

To make the assumption, based on what you wrote, that you are too wrapped up in your own head (your own life, your own needs, YOU) would be stating the obvious.

Joe isn't looking for support FROM you ---- and at 3,000 miles away.

I think it is safe to assume Joe has taken a GIANT step back from this relationship and may not initiate any contact for quite some time.

C'est la vie. I can't be present 100% of the time. There are other factors but I don't feel like broadcasting extensive elements of my personal life on a public relationship forum

It isn't you being "present" that sent him for the hills. It is you being frantic and expecting him to be present for your drama....at 3,000 miles and 4-5 times zones.

Well I guess all I can do is continue studying working and taking care of my family. Should I just not think about our relationship?

The thing is folks, I don't want to vent and and complain about my problems to him. I just want to hear or see hello I love you thinking of you and be able to help him with his problems as well.

How do I "un thank" someone

Well I guess all I can do is continue studying working and taking care of my family. Should I just not think about our relationship?

At 3,000 miles away, I don't see that you have much other choice. He clearly doesn't want to be your venting board. He has enough stress going on in his own life and doesn't seem to want to take on yours.

The thing is folks, I don't want to vent and and complain about my problems to him. I just want to hear or see hello I love you thinking of you and be able to help him with his problems as well.

He doesn't want "help"....and as with most LDR ---- he is more focused on his day to day life and stress, and is not thinking about you on a moment to moment basis. It might be different if you were in proximity, but he knows that he has to handle his life/stress himself. As you do.

This is my first LDR. So these are lessons I am learning now as I have no experience with this.

LDR's are very difficult and require a very high degree of autonomy. In addition, several time zones and crazy shift hours make communication on a daily basis difficult.

And since the distance and expense are high --- it means face to face will be very sporadic. For almost another year.

It would behoove you to develop a core of family/friends that you can vent to and count on when YOU are stressed. Because using precious phone/text time to vent is ---- well, using precious phone/text time.

I don't think of him on a moment to moment basis and I don't expect him to think of me on a moment to moment basis either. I think I just have trust issues from abusive relationships with former spouses/boyfriends and family in the past. I was also married to an alcoholic. I need to figure out how these past issues are effecting my current relationship and how to deal with them as they are getting in the way of everything.

My family unfortunately is abusive and does not handle stress well. I also work three jobs. I don't want to burden my friends OR my boyfriend. I am on a wait list for a therapist which would be the most ideal as I am more comfortable venting to a therapist than my friends boyfriend family. I've called several times for follow up status and no one has returned my call yet. Hence why I've turned to the forums.

Until you get a chance to see a therapist, perhaps attend Al-Anon meetings to see how your marriage to an alcoholic has affected your life and your outlook on relationships.

Here's the problem with your reply.

You only provided us with the details you saw fit, because as you said, your relationship is private. So as you admit, you left details out. You then get upset at the replies you get here. We can only reply on the details you provided.

I stand by what I said, you need to stick to no contact. And I understand what you say by wanting him to say hi, I love you, but in life we don't always get what we want. It's clear your boyfriend isn't getting what he wants because of your anxiety, hence his need to pull back.

My last relationship was LD. . though 90 minutes isn't much but when you commute 3 hours a day and only see them on the weekends there is one major thing I learned:

During the 3 yrs we were at an impasse as to where we were going live.

When we reached what seemed like a compromise I wouldn't go forward until we spent more than weekends together. You see, it's easy to stay in honeymoon period under these conditions. You tend always see each other at your best and the anticipation never goes away.

In the end I spent weekends at his home and because he could work from home he spent weekdays at mine. I am so glad I did this because we really got to see each other at our best and our worst. They day to day business of life and compromise is totally different and ultimately we weren't meant to be together and sadly it ended. Actually he had some serious control issues. Deal breaker for me seeing I left a 16 yr marriage for the same reason. And to be fair I have some commitment, intimacy issues. Long distances seem to work for me in a not so healthy way.

We can maintain good behavior almost indefinitely and hide those `gorilla in the closets' seeing each other on a limited basis.

Being as we've been friends as long as we have, we don't hide our gorillas. I purposely shoved him in the closet with some of my gorillas and he held his own.

The private things are talking about HIS ADHD and what he does to cope with it as I feel uncomfortable talking about his as he is very private about it and I agree with him being and feeling so.

Being as we've been friends as long as we have, we don't hide our gorillas. I purposely shoved him in the closet with some of my gorillas and he held his own.

Umm....he should know that you have gorillas and that they have been tamed. That you have "tested" or purposely shoved him in the closet with them and he held his own says much about him (good) and much about you (not so good).

Being as we've been friends as long as we have, we don't hide our gorillas. I purposely shoved him in the closet with some of my gorillas and he held his own.

I don't know what this is supposed to mean.

Do you think his ADHD affects your relationship now? That that's why he is pulling back?

Being as we've been friends as long as we have, we don't hide our gorillas. I purposely shoved him in the closet with some of my gorillas and he held his own.

I know that seriously facing homelessness, finally realizing why my mom beat me up when I was a kid, dealing with a scumbag landlord that left our door unlocked and wide open while I was at work in addition to my usual baby daddy drama, raising a son w ADHD and possibly autism who just started the school year, working 3 jobs, studying for nursing school triggered the crap out of my PTSD and anxiety. I seriously have been pulling back and being super chill with all of this jazz and not mentioning any crazy stuff in my life at all. I just felt like we weren't sharing at all and he was intentionally pulling back to make the relationship "fizzle out" instead of just being direct. I've asked him and told him that if we don't want to do the LDR we should just say so and we both agree. I don't know... Maybe he wants to do more but isn't capable of doing so and maybe it makes him feel bad? Maybe he's too exhausted to be deep and heavy? I don't know. All I know is I miss him and I love him and I want to help him. I construe his lack of contact as lack of interest, but that may be an ADHD thing. I'm extremely interested in behavioral analysis and how various external, internal, indirect and direct elements effect how we deal with and perceive others. I actually ultimately want to be a nurse practitioner in psychiatry. I see withdrawal as lack of interest not as something indicative of something else. I need help broadening my perspective.