Dating a man with baggage is this too much to put up with?

I have been dating a man for 9 months, he chased me prior to this for 8 months but i wasn't interested. After being dumped by someone else i gave him a chance and he grew on me.After our first date his x wife (they have been seperated for 2 years) started messaging me on facebook wanting to know where he was and for him to phone her as he was meant to have his kids. Their relationship was awful, she left him 3 times having numerous affairs and each time he took her back for the kids, 2 boys 16 and 15. We started dating things were good, i met his kids pretty quickly. A few months into it she appeared from behind a bush when we were on the beach, glared at me and pulled him aside and started belting him this was to do with me and how she thought it was too soon for the kids to meet me.The kids saw it and told her they were ok with me. The step daughter was also there and said i dont know why she is carrying on she hasnt wanted him for 10 years, they were married for 20.The next day she withdrew $6k out of his account to get him back.Since then things were ok he said she would get better.Then met someone and backed off.His family dont speak to her they all hate her as she has caused so much trouble.He also comes from a unhealthy upbringing.Things got good with us. He is caring and lovely.My family love him.

About May of this year his eldest son started playing up. Smoking drugs at her house, she was never home. My partner trying to help. Things just got bad with us from then on, i started fighting with him about all this stuff. Sometimes he wouldnt be honest about what was going on with the kids and her and then i find out later. I felt he was lying to me.She wanted a settlement he gave it to her. The kid just got worse, he stole my partners wallet and didnt let on for 3 months after my partner found it after ramsacking his room for drugs. He even came to police station when it first happened to report it.My partner didnt discplined him he told his dad he found the wallet with no money in it, my partner believed him.Every time i saw my partner he was depressed.She would call a bit as well whilst we were together, blaming me for the kids behaviour and saying he wasnt spending enough time with his kids. Then my partners father got cancer he is now dying. The kid then got expelled after many suspensions. We were up at my partners house a few weeks before the kid broke in and lied to his dad that he was there as i was in the house.The kid was also bad before he met me.Then my partner confronted his son about lying he slapped him and the kid pushed him through a glass door and punched him the mouth.He had to go to hospital.He didnt speak to his son for 2 weeks the wife never made the kid call his son to say sorry. My partner tried to text his son to tell him his grandad was dying no reply.I have also asked my partner to get a divorce he said he will but he hadnt thought of it even though he has paid her s out.We had huge argument about this. I told him to leave and he slept in car that night due to drinking.I always have to ring and apologise he wont speak to me for days.This particular fight he took the kid away, i tried to phone him that night he didnt answer he rang me the following morning. He said he was working in the shed and drinking. The wife's text said dont worry she is getting a divorce and for me to stop hassling him and from what he has said i sound like a stalker. How would she know i was ringing that night? This made me worry all week. We went away last weekend and i felt weird towards him gave him silent treatment he was trying to be nice. Next day i just did my own thing and he just disappears doesnt want to sort it out. Thats all i need though, comfort.he told me she said she wanted a divorce he said good cos lisa wants me to get one, what why couldnt he say i want one too. Then my partners brother came over and his girlfriend they have similar issues and started arguing.i started crying i went to bed my partner came up didnt try and talk just shut door i said its over. he ignored me. i tried to talk to him later this turned into huge fight i pushed him he punched me. i said this is not my baggage. he said dont you call me f kids baggage i didnt. he said my kids are no 1 you were level with them but not now. you have been awful to me all day. then he says she has been texting all day being nasty and threatening to turn oldest off him. we go to bed he doesnt talk to me in morning say's its all too hard. not working. she sends me another text saying he is a liar awful he likes to hit things and that she was with him in that house a few weeks ago wonder why he wouldnt answer your calls. i told him he said she will never let him be with anyone. after this he wont talk to me its been 5 days we had a holiday booked today he cancelled due to his dad on death bed. he said its not working you always fight with me i have never fought with anyone like this. he wont answer my calls. i dont know what to do now im so depressed i told him i missed him he asked y, he wont say he loves me, i dont understand as only 2 weeks ago he told me not to dump him and im the best thing that has ever happened to him.

This sounds like a complicated mess including the major complication that he is a married man. Given all this drama and baggage I'd tell him not to contact you until his divorce has been final for at least a year, and if you are still interested and available you'll consider dating him again.

but did i do anything wrong here? i feel like i pushed him we only fight over his stuff

but did i do anything wrong here? i feel like i pushed him we only fight over his stuff

I think what you have done wrong is dating married men. I remember you dated a married guy a couple of years ago.

this guy is seperated not married

Separated is still married. Divorce means not married.

this guy is seperated not married

The thing is, "separated" is the limbo between married and single, and it is in that limbo that the two are tangled until they work out their parting completely, go through the entire process legally, physically, emotionally, ritually, psychically, until it becomes legal, signed-sealed-and-delivered from a court of law. And then, even when legal, people go through a phase, often a year, or more, where they are triggered about the past, the ex, the split, and they process things on different levels for a cycle of seasons. Sometimes consciously, and often subconsciously. And if there are kids and the parents have to interact, that after-divorce processing and disentangling can take longer. It takes time and processing and perspective to heal. All that is "baggage" if they get involved with someone else too soon. Sure they can be attracted to someone new, and feel a connection, but there is a mess around them and they'll entangle anyone new in this mess as well because they can not fully separate themselves from it. Yet.

I've seen and heard it plenty from friends who justify their getting involved with a married but separated man and their is too much drama that taints the rest of their relationship. It would be so much wiser and better overall FOR EVERYONE if they would have the patience and self-control to let the man alone to work out his divorce business and heal.

My advice, let him go, let him unpack his baggage, and wait until it is far behind him, so no longer an issue.

Leave. Now. This man is physically and emotionally not available. He is not divorced because he doesn't want to be. He would have divorced her several years ago if he really wanted to. They still have a joint bank account, apparently. And they are both working off their anger and frustration on the kids. You are his mistress. Leave this whole mess alone. And don't talk to him ever again.

Leave. Now. This man is physically and emotionally not available. He is not divorced because he doesn't want to be. He would have divorced her several years ago if he really wanted to. They still have a joint bank account, apparently. And they are both working off their anger and frustration on the kids. You are his mistress. Leave this whole mess alone. And don't talk to him ever again.

no the joint bank account was used for child maintenance and that was closed when she stole his money

Of course it's too much baggage, the guy is still married. You've walked right into the middle of where you don't belong. And you're surprised by the mess?

That sounds like way more drama than I'd be willing to put up with. Let him go and get your sanity back. Hugs!

I see most of you are hating on the man,with good reasons, he isnt acting like a responsible adult. But (and im sorry, im not too good explaining) the man is stuck in an abusive marriage. Yes, he could get a divorce, but it seems like they could be several reasons he's afraid of doing that. He seems to care about his children, and if he scorns his wife, access to his children is comprised. Also you saying she stole 6k shows she will probably wipe out his living funds, and his lifestyle would take a serious hit. Most men arent good with dealing with emotions (ones ive met anyway) and hes probably extremely stressed out over it all. That said, yes his behavior isn't acceptable or healthy in a relationship. But I cant help but wonder if its because of him being scared of leaving the marriage, or if he is really just another jerk. Just my 2cents.

It's not about whether he's a jerk or not, it's about you involving yourself where you don't belong.

He's not relationship material unless and until his divorce is finalized. Analyzing him doesn't change that.

Bottom line is whether he wants to get a divorce, or feel he can't, he is NOT DIVORCED. It doesnt matter the reason. He DID get out of the house is over with, but won't finish the divorce. Who really cares if he is scared or a jerk or both, you CANNOT DATE him so long as he is married. If you stayed, you could never marry someone who is already married. Right? You can at least agree on that. Also, it may be a false story of if he makes his wife mad she will take the kids because under custody arrangments, he has rights and she can't just take the kids if she is upset.

Anyway, MANY men make many excuses that they make sound logical on why they are not divorced and string women along for years. It is a commitmentphobic man's dream really, as he thinks he can fool around but doesn't have to offer the woman anything because he is already married.

So, please, stop anaylzing this guy. And why would you want to stay even if he was divorced? Why would you want that drama unless you feed off of it? THe sooner you walk away, the bettter.

thanks, no he has done the settlement she cant take anymore money but yes she is trying to turn the kids against him one of them hasnt spoken to him for 2 weeks. they have no custody arrangements in place.

they don't have custody arrangements, its all over the place i have to wait until every thursday night to see what the kids want to do. he told them every 2nd weekend they said they don't want to do that.

the x has also been messaging his family with threats and trying to acuse them of giving her son marijuana. this is when she also started texting me.

If you actually want a healthy relationship with an available man and perhaps a family one day I would advise you to stay away from men who haven't been divorced for at least a year and married men. I would also advise therapy for you because of your unhealthy relationship pattern.

the x has also been messaging his family with threats and trying to acuse them of giving her son marijuana. this is when she also started texting me.

You are stuck in a mess that you can't fix. Are you planning to stay in the mess and being part of it?

the x has also been messaging his family with threats and trying to acuse them of giving her son marijuana. this is when she also started texting me.

All the more reason to walk away. Do you need this drama? There are really great, nice men who don't attract and create this kind of drama in their lives. I promise.

btw, how can she text you...because HE gave her your number?

the x has also been messaging his family with threats and trying to acuse them of giving her son marijuana. this is when she also started texting me.

What part of this is even remotely working for you? This sounds like a train wreck and you are there stuck in the middle only because you cannot say ENOUGH!

thanks guys, im just going through a bit of shock right now i suppose and guilt, guilt cos i think maybe i wasn't supporting enough of his problems and instead i pressured him. he always always saying in our fights, its either you or her having a go at me. last weekend i didnt speak to him all day when we were away we both did our thing then we fought that night maybe i was too hard on him? if only i hadnt of done this.

I think you two are fighting because you are on different wavelengths -you are single and want a dating relationship that can potentially lead to something serious. He is married (separated is "still married") and a father and wants, at most, a pretty young thing on the side so he can get some relief from the responsibilities of marriage and fatherhood -even though it's a marriage he wishes was over.

no he doesnt he isnt like that

thanks guys, im just going through a bit of shock right now i suppose and guilt, guilt cos i think maybe i wasn't supporting enough of his problems and instead i pressured him. he always always saying in our fights, its either you or her having a go at me. last weekend i didnt speak to him all day when we were away we both did our thing then we fought that night maybe i was too hard on him? if only i hadnt of done this.

This is like saying you didn't behave properly when you walked into a propeller blade.

No matter how you slice this, it's not about you. You could be a perfect human being, but it won't change the fact that you're messing with someone else's family while it's unraveling and you don't belong in that situation.

It's not necessary to find a villain--there are none. It's just bad timing and the wrong place to be. Period.