worried about his alcohol consumption

I'm with my fiancé two years and we've been friends for 6 years. I'm lying awake on little sleep worrying about 2 things that came up last night. One of which is that my fiancé, as per usual got wasted when out on the beers with his buddies. He's not an alcoholic but I do feel he has a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol ie I've never known him to go out on an evening with his mates and not get totally drunk. I find his behaviour when he is, a bit irritating and embarrassing but I can live with that. What I can't live with is the worry it causes me for his health since he drinks so much, that a man who wakes up normally to the faintest sound or movement suddenly wouldn't be woken by a steam train coming through the room. I'm serious.

Also it doesn't help that I have a deep seated variety of issues that make this all the harder to take. I have a background of being in several relationships where I was cheated on, two where there was significant issues with substance abuse, one where a 3 year brilliant relationship had to be ended because the guy didn't see a future yet didn't know what his problems were with the relationship. Add on top of that a fear driven into me by mother's stories of how her dad's alcoholism affected her family.

My fiancé is very loving and loyal. And in his eyes I'm unfair and possessive when I express concerns about this. He also rightly points out its not like he's out all the time. Then again, we were living in the middle of nowhere for the past year so the opportunities were fewer and farer between. Now we've moved back to the big smoke and are in close proximity to all his friends.

He wonders why I get freaked out about will he be out on the razz if I'm out of the country. But I grapple with the fact that rather than meet friends normally for a few drinks, no matter how much he insists a pending night will be tame and short he gets wasted and I thus worry to no end at prospect of a: will his heart fail suddenly from the sheer pressure his heart is under with all that booze b: I don't trust ANYONE on that much alcohol. I know he's faithful but I also see how touchy feely he gets with everyone when he's drunk and I worry some day a girl would perceive this as him making a move and react and from there it turns into cheating. I've seen so many people who in their drunkeness lose all sense of morality or ability to think coherently and wind up cheating on their partners.

Looking for thoughts and advice.

Thanks

Find an Alanon meeting in your area, attend at least 3 meetings even though you'll want to ditch them after the first one. These are people who know exactly what you're going through and can help you.

Hi girl,

I have the exact same problem. Exact same problem; well not, exactly since we are not engaged and we are only 20. I'm sorry I can't offer too much help, but I feel that he should be able to respect your opinion and your insecurities and limit himself. Personally, my boyfriend has limited his drinking much more after knowing I'm uncomfortable with it, especially because he gets touchy feely with a certain girl(s), but he really holds it over my head. Every fight, he'll bring it up. I'm sorry I can't help, but please let me know how things go. Sending love

... as per usual got wasted when out on the beers with his buddies. He's not an alcoholic but I do feel he has a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol ie I've never known him to go out on an evening with his mates and not get totally drunk. I find his behaviour when he is, a bit irritating and embarrassing but I can live with that. What I can't live with is the worry it causes me for his health since he drinks so much, that a man who wakes up normally to the faintest sound or movement suddenly wouldn't be woken by a steam train coming through the room. I'm serious.

This is pretty much the definition of an alcoholic. I think you should express your concerns to him.

Read up on codependency because I think you're a sufferer. You keep picking the same kind of man while trying to change him instead of picking a man that doesn't need to be changed.

I agree with the suggestion that you go to a few ala-non meetings and read everything you can about codependency.

Here's a link or two to get you started:

link removed

link removed

From personal experience of living with an alcoholic, I can tell you that any person who has a trouble handling alcohol IS an alcoholic. If it effects their behavior and their actions, then they have a problem with it...no ifs or buts about it. After several years of a miserable relationship with a wonderful and intelligent but high functioning alcoholic woman, I ended up attending Alnon to see and listen to people of both genders, from all walks of life, try to explain how to live a normal life with their addiction.

It taught me that there was nothing I could do to help her, she had to do it herself. She had the problem, not me. When she wouldn't or couldn't help herself, I walked away a very tired soul from constant conflict, all caused by alcohol.

Ms Darcy -I have brought it up with him and it has caused a lot of arguments where he feels I'm being controlling

Thatwasthen -interesting point re the codependency though my fiancee has accuses me quite often of not having generosity of spirt, of not being fair and so on....

You need to stop making this about his perceptions and focus on your own.

A drinker will turn everything back on you and YOUR behavior--right down to making YOU the reason why they drink.

Skip that. Go find the Alanon group and start seeing things as they are.

Anyone over the age of 21 who gets totally wasted every time they drink is an alcoholic. There are all kinds of them, but he clearly is a binge drinker if he can't stop once he starts.

I agree with others... you need to attend Al-Anon to understand this, or do some research on alcoholism and co-dependency. Of course if you try to stop him or help him he is going to claim it is your problem and not his, because he is an alcoholic and doesn't want to stop right now.

I suggset you read up on it, and don't go any further with this romance if he continues with this pattern or you will have a lifetime of misery with an alcoholic. They only get worse rather than better as time goes on, unless they have a personal revelation that they need to stop. You can't make him, and he won't unless he wants to, and clearly at this point he doesn't want to.