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Can age gap relationships REALLY work?


lymphocyte

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I'm curious, I really am. When I say age gap, I don't mean a few years, I mean maybe 10+ years difference. There seems to be a lot of debate about it, with some people saying it can never work, and others saying it can, but only if the youngest of the two is at least 30.

 

So I'm curious to know what everyone thinks about the subject.

 

For those who HAVE read my previous threads, this is a curiosity completely separate from my own life.

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Can? Yes. It's possible.

On average, do they? It depends, but generally I don't think they do.

 

It depends on how big the age difference and the ages of both partners. I agree with the "if the youngest of the two is at least 30". Physical age might be linear, but mental age is definitely not. There is a lesser gap between a 30 and 40 year old than a 20 and 30 in terms of experience, maturity, self-awareness, not to mention the practical stuff like where they are financially, in their careers, etc.

 

So I think the probability of two people working out increases as they get older given a specific age difference. For example, for extremes, almost 0% between a 6 year old and 16 year, higher for 16 year old and 26 year old, even higher for a 26 year old and 36, you get my point if this example is a bit facetious.

 

Just my two cents. I've never been in an age-gap relationship. My largest gap is 4 years.

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Last bf I had before my husband was 18 years older than me (I was in my mid 30s, he was in his early 50s when we met). That went on for about a year and half...but it probably should've ended several months sooner....

 

My husband is 11 years younger than me (I was 38 and he was 26 when we met)...got married less than a year after meeting and our 12th wedding anniversary was last month. So far that's worked out pretty well....

 

It really depends on the individuals involved.

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I think it also depends on life stages too, so if the women is in her thirties and wants kids, and the man is in his 50's and is not at the stage where he wants a newborn child running around

 

Or if the man or women is in his/her twenties and is trying to get themselves sorted, they may not be on the same wavelength as someone 10+ years older, different wants and needs at different times in your life.

 

Also, if the gap is too great, they may have nothing in common, interest-wise.

 

The age-gap couples I have known have always been much younger women + older guy. For example, I knew a girl who was 21 in an RS with a 37 year old man. It worked because she was so grown-up. Very mature girl for her age, definitely not typical.

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Social pressure plays an enormous role in the success of age gap relationships. Two people with a significant age difference, living out in a cabin in the wilderness of Alaska are far more likely to do well than two people with the same age gap living in an urban or suburban environment. And all because of how the people around them will treat them--friends, family, coworkers, etc.

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Social pressure plays an enormous role in the success of age gap relationships. Two people with a significant age difference, living out in a cabin in the wilderness of Alaska are far more likely to do well than two people with the same age gap living in an urban or suburban environment. And all because of how the people around them will treat them--friends, family, coworkers, etc.

 

Ya this is true too. I think it is considered more socially acceptable for the younger woman/older man combination than the opposite.

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It's very possible that a relationship can work, but both parties would have to be on the same page.

 

I met my partner when I was 25 and he was 36. We've been together for 6+ years. My friends didn't think it would work out due to the age difference, but we have proved otherwise.

 

I've seen stranger things happen. So in regards to your question, yes I do think it's possible.

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Social pressure plays an enormous role in the success of age gap relationships. Two people with a significant age difference, living out in a cabin in the wilderness of Alaska are far more likely to do well than two people with the same age gap living in an urban or suburban environment. And all because of how the people around them will treat them--friends, family, coworkers, etc.

 

Excellent post and very true.

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Social pressure plays an enormous role in the success of age gap relationships. Two people with a significant age difference, living out in a cabin in the wilderness of Alaska are far more likely to do well than two people with the same age gap living in an urban or suburban environment. And all because of how the people around them will treat them--friends, family, coworkers, etc.

 

I never felt any social pressure during either of the relationships I mentioned above. People may have expressed an opinion here or there...and there was that one awkward, "....and this is your....daughter...?" moment. But I typically take outside opinions with a huge grain of salt and a healthy dose of "you have a right to have an opinion -even on stuff that is none of your business- and I have an equal and opposite right to ignore your opinion." I figure as long as I'm not intentionally harming someone or their stuff, I'm most likely ok.

 

I seem to be quite deficient in whatever it is that makes people care what others think about them. I was pretty low on that to start with....and what little I had has decreased as I've gotten older. Judge me, my actions and choices all you like, chances are real good I'll be totally oblivious to that judgment, and on those odd occasions where I become aware of it, I usually decide it's not important and continue with what I feel is best for me.

 

I think individuals who do care what others think about them or who are concerned about things like pleasing their family probably aren't going to find themselves in age gap relationships - or any other type of relationship that may create waves (different religion, different race, etc.) at all....if they do, they won't be there for long.

 

But not everyone is concerned with what others think.

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These are all pretty good points.

 

I think from an outside point of view (I'll admit I'm guilty of it), a lot of people do stop and think 'are you... parent and child?', which generally they don't mean any harm when they think/say it.

 

I've been mistaken for a male on more than on occasion, but I can just laugh it off.

 

A lot of it I guess would definitely come down to how much you worry about what other people think, and whether you can handle the pressure from those who think it's wrong/disgusting.

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I think relationships between people within a few years of each other work best.

 

That said, I know of two women in their early 50's married to men 7 years younger. So far, these marriages have worked and both women married in their 40's. I know of a 59 year old woman dating a 49 year old man. Well, actually they live together. So far, it has worked.

 

I have a female friend, 49, in a 3 year relationship with a 59 year old man. They met on link removed. He wants to marry, she is not so sure.

 

However, I agree with others that the older man - younger woman relationship is WAY more accepted. It is obvious, look at pop culture. George Clooney routinely dates (and will soon marry) much younger women. No one bats an eyelash. The other way around? Just look at Demi Moore-Ashton Kutcher.

 

Although today women have more freedom in dating, older woman - younger man is still socially frowned upon and many men still want to be with younger women. Women dating younger men is still viewed as somewhat deviant. There is no equivalent term for "cougar". Men are just "men".

 

I dated a 5.5 years younger man and although we got along very well, seemed to be attracted on the important levels, it became clear the age difference was too much for him. Why date a 53 year old when you can date a 43 year old? So now I am concentrating on finding a partner of similar age, up or down within 3-4 years.

 

No one said life was fair.

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  • 2 years later...

I am sooooo refreshed and relieved to read your post shes2smart... I NEEDED to hear more stories like this... My current boyfriend (all still quite new) is 26 and I am 35.... So these exact age difference things people are posting about here have started finding their way into my thoughts... Except in my case, I have some cultural concerns about the age difference, whether his family will accept me and my age difference.. I am living in India now.. He is Indian and I'm Australian (half Japanese).

 

I feel I should try and include some more positive stories on this tonight...

 

There is a couple i know... They are both Indian... The woman has grown up children living with her from her first marriage, now divorced... Remarried with a guy about 20 years younger to her (he is 30 I think) and it is his first marriage and he has no children... So he married her fully aware of this, he was 27 when they met and he was fine that she didn't want more kids.. Even though his family were quite the opposite... They thought she would be 'denying him' all this.. But their love was very strong and continues to be to this day.

 

I hope this is our case too...

 

I don't have any urges to have children, even at the age of 35, but I guess I wouldn't be completely against it either... Flexible! The thing is I guess I worried how his parents would view the situation.. "Oh, she's 35, almost at the end of her healthy child baring years, so that might cause some trouble for our son when he is actually ready and wanting that".. Which could be 5 years later (when I'm 40) or maybe even later than that... So yeah...

 

Anyway... I will go back to two beautiful stories, yours, and my friend's Mum here in India who has met the love of her life who happens to be 20 years younger..

 

Thank you

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  • 3 weeks later...

I would say it depends on the individuals interests/ and maturity. I was 31 going on 32 when I met my last boyfriend, he was 18 years older than me. Our interests were very much alike, yet there were times that I did feel he felt he knew more than I did. That became an issue in itself, But we kept a mutual respect and left out our age gap. When he would try to be mr know it all, we would just compare the differences between our beliefs. I don't think very young people should jump into it with older people, talking like 10 years or more because if you're not prepared for their outlooks, and old fashioned beliefs, it will come back to haunt the relationship. Be upfront about the age from the get go. It can work

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I am 47 now and about 3 years ago dated quite a few 20-something men (they had all pursued me by the way and is usually the case for those who don't know). All three of them had indicated wanting to live with me but one was an alcoholic.. another had just separated from my girlfriend and a newborn baby and it was too much for me to handle... but the third was 22 years old very intelligent engineering degree and possibly the nicest guy I've ever dated in my life but tragically had to end because he could not tell his parents were from a different culture and actually wanted to see him with a woman younger than himself. It was a big heart break for both of us I don't think either of us thought it would become as serious as it did.

 

I've grown to really like dating younger men which is ironic because my entire life I always dated men older or very older than me until I was in my thirties concurrently talking to a couple still but I am interested to meet. I'm not opposed to dating men my age or older tho stil... I refer to myself as an equal opportunity dater now lol ;-)

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  • 1 month later...

Amen!! I am also 47 with a 27 year old FWB. I can't imagine ever dating him, but we have a lot of fun. He's also much more mature than most guys his age. I find that I'm not corrected the guys even 2 to 3 years older than me .

 

 

I am 47 now and about 3 years ago dated quite a few 20-something men (they had all pursued me by the way and is usually the case for those who don't know). All three of them had indicated wanting to live with me but one was an alcoholic.. another had just separated from my girlfriend and a newborn baby and it was too much for me to handle... but the third was 22 years old very intelligent engineering degree and possibly the nicest guy I've ever dated in my life but tragically had to end because he could not tell his parents were from a different culture and actually wanted to see him with a woman younger than himself. It was a big heart break for both of us I don't think either of us thought it would become as serious as it did.

 

I've grown to really like dating younger men which is ironic because my entire life I always dated men older or very older than me until I was in my thirties concurrently talking to a couple still but I am interested to meet. I'm not opposed to dating men my age or older tho stil... I refer to myself as an equal opportunity dater now lol ;-)

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I'm curious, I really am. When I say age gap, I don't mean a few years, I mean maybe 10+ years difference. There seems to be a lot of debate about it, with some people saying it can never work, and others saying it can, but only if the youngest of the two is at least 30.

 

So I'm curious to know what everyone thinks about the subject.

 

For those who HAVE read my previous threads, this is a curiosity completely separate from my own life.

Yes it can work, but everybody is different. My soon to be ex wife is 10 yrs younger than me and our marriage was a complete disaster. However, I know a 21yo woman with whom I get along with very well. I actually have a slight crush on her, but it's purely physical. Shallow, I know. I'm twice her age btw.

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If young women dated older men, and young men dated older women, then we could all kind of swap round after a bit - the young women who had been dating the older men could now date younger men when they got older, and vice versa for the men.

 

So young woman dates older man, and young man dates older woman.

 

Then as young woman becomes older, she dates younger men, and same for the original young guy.

 

Sounds like fun, no?

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  • 2 months later...
  • 2 weeks later...
Last bf I had before my husband was 18 years older than me (I was in my mid 30s, he was in his early 50s when we met). That went on for about a year and half...but it probably should've ended several months sooner....

 

My husband is 11 years younger than me (I was 38 and he was 26 when we met)...got married less than a year after meeting and our 12th wedding anniversary was last month. So far that's worked out pretty well....

 

It really depends on the individuals involved.

 

If you don't mind my asking, did you two have children? How did you approach that sort of talk?

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