BF searching a handful of exes on Facebook and got very defensive

My boyfriend and I have been together about 2 years. Long distance the entire time. He has always been very good about letting me know it's only me he needs and I have tried to be too. However, he tried his very lengthy past from me and even lied to my face multiple times about it. When he figured out I knew a good chunk of it, and I not soon after called him out, he brought whatever I wanted to know into the open (which is good). He even went as far as to defriend any girls he has ever even considered himself to be flirty with (let's say around 60 something people) which I never even asked him to do. He even would tell me when people from his past contacted him. (a rule he had made sure I had already been living by, which is super hypocritical and reaaallllly bothered me) He clearly knew he broke a lot of my trust.

Anyway, fast forward almost a year (there has still been some small issues of trust and I will admit I do snoop his messages and sometimes to see who people are (since 'people he forgot to delete' seemed to pop up a few times, whether he liked their pictures or what…so this way I could at least ask him about them) He was always encouraging me to bring up anything that bothered me, because I never really did until I absolutely felt I had to. I never wanted to be one of those people. But the fact is, there's just SOOOOOO many girls he has had history with. They pop up everywhere (mostly because of mutual friends….or a bunch that tried to friend him back, or some that messaged him asking why he wasn't their friend [quite honestly i felt bad about that bc I told him I didn't want him to hurt anyones feelings by defriending them…and he ALWAYS said "I only care about your feelings"] )

Well he got upset at me last week bc I didn't call him friday night (worked all day, stopped at the gym) and when I was home around 8pm he disappeared for 1.5 hours….so I figured he fell asleep bc this is what usually happens if he's gone that long. So in the meantime my cousin wanted to grab a quick drink (he just moved back home haven't seen him in months) and I said heck why not? Well my boyfriend texted me as I was getting ready to go and when I told him I was thinking of going he encouraged me to go and said "yeah why not!" I even offered to stay home so I could talk to him and he gave me a hard time about it. So I waited around to feel him out more but got nothing. So I finally went. He acted upset toward me all night. I tried to work with him, I even said ok well hey how about we FaceTime tomorrow? He say no. Kept giving me a hard time. Fought with me after I got home about how I wasn't there for him and broke a promise and I'm the most unreliable worst girlfriend in the world, cursing at me, the whole 9. All I could do was explain that I offered to stay home (which he countered with "You'd take it out on me" which I wouldn't have at all) and that all I tried to do was work with him the whole night.

The next day he basically rubbed it in my face that he hit rock bottom and consoled in one of his female friends (which he still won't tell me who..his original response being "No, so you can go be a to them?"….sidenote: I am, if anything, too nice to the few female friends he as, even one who pre-emptitively judged me I welcomed with open arms) I told him ok thats fine if you needed a friend (still weird bc he never does talk to girls much anymore) and I still apologized despite the circumstances. However he just continued to rub this in my face saying that "its only natural I'll grow fond of this person" "They complimented me too" and then suggested that they've offered to FaceTime with him and call him a 1000 times (sketchy but ok). So then he tried to compare him consoling to this girl to a text message a guy friend once sent me telling me that my boyfriend should trust me more and its a shame because I am good to him. And then my guy friend complimented my character. It was maybe 3 exchanges and I even defended my boyfriend in one of them saying "I try to understand bc he lives so far away." My boyfriend can't let go of this 3 exchange text message between me and my guy friend (used to be close but not anymore and he even has a girlfriend).

Anyway, he continued to try rubbing the notion of another girl being there for him in my face over and over. He even went on Facebook and liked this one girls photo (who he used to be really attracted to, she's a close friend of his cousins and he never deleted her bc even though he tried to pick her up "that's not a past"….ok whatever.There's messages between the two of them to prove it. Basically I had brought up to him not long before, that I noticed he still likes a lot of her stuff and that it kind of hurts to see that. So now, in this fight he goes and likes one of her pictures (it's public, so it pops up in my newsfeed that he liked it)….I call him out on it…he acts un-remorseful of course. Later on once things cool down he admits it was to hurt me. Which yeah, that a lot of the terrible things he hinted about girls from his past and names he called me and obviously that WERE super hurtful. I didn't know how to feel.

So when I saw he liked that picture, I went and looked at his searches on Facebook to try and see if he did it on purpose. (hence then called him out) He has some other sketchy searches on there of other girls he's had a solid past with (multiple instances for the same few people) and I never said a word as much as it did hurt.

But basically in the last few days that we've been a little more distance and he's been mad whether his reasons are super justified or not…I've noticed he's looked up 3-4 people he's had a past with. Finally today when I saw he searched one that he used to search all the time I said something. I had too. It hurt so badly to see that he was starting to search all these girls who he had told me multiple times "don't matter." I brought this up to him and explained my feelings and that I never even care to look up people from my past and just wanted to know why he cared enough to. He gave me some excuse about how 2 of them just got engaged bc mutual friends photos popped up of them and then said he "wanted to see if anyone else had got engaged too"….WHAT? my thing is why would you care?? I asked him this and all he did was start calling me a psycho and telling me that I was a crazy stalker and to leave him alone multiple times. He got so defensive. And all I kept saying was that "I just wanted to understand why and that it comes off as you thinking about these people"….he never really had any good comebacks but just instead kept calling me crazy and saying "He had the right to look up whoever he wanted" which he does and thats fine. But I also told him multiple times that if he saw me looking up a bunch of people from my past lately (especially while we have been distant) that it would really hurt him too. He didn't disagree with this but said "I wouldn't even look" (which is hard to believe bc he used to snoop my Facebook on the regular). Now he's told me to leave him alone, that he's going to block my number, he has blocked me on things like instagram, and went and changed his facebook password (which is fine!).

I hate that I went and looked at his searches, I never wanted to feel the need to do that…but things were cleary not going well and he has been treating me terribly the last week…and I knew after he went and intentionally like that girls picture that something wasn't right. I just don't want to be the fool here….and honestly with him doing things like rubbing a female friend in my face and going and liking a girls picture who he knows I feel funny about, it just doesn't give me much security.

I need to know….have I lost it going that far to figure out if something is up? Should he have gotten as defensive as he did? Would seeing searches like that bother anyone else? And does the wedding/engagement excuse sound legitimate? I just don't even know what to think. I feel worthless.

...I need to know….have I lost it going that far to figure out if something is up? Should he have gotten as defensive as he did? Would seeing searches like that bother anyone else? And does the wedding/engagement excuse sound legitimate? I just don't even know what to think. I feel worthless.

Yay, I read it till the end It seems like you two aren't in a supportive relationship. Since you're writing and I haven't heard his side I'm going to put more blame on him. The way you write about him he seems immature, controlling, passive aggressive, and worried that he's going to lose you. You seem pretty nice and seem to be adhering to the rules and probably could do better.

He's in the position where he likes a lot of other girls. He's in a relationship with you and what he would like is for you to remain faithful to him and also to hang on to as many other options as possible. He didn't want to get rid of his 60+ potential friends but at the time it seemed to him that doing that would sustain this relationship. The other thing that seems to be happening is that since this is a long distance relationship, any guy you so much as talk to in person gets more from you than he does. Some people are confident and fine with that, cause they do the same and it's not a big deal to them. He is not fine with it so he either tries to control it, or is passive aggressive about it.

To answer your questions:

"I need to know….have I lost it going that far to figure out if something is up?"

No you haven't. He was getting some "revenge" for you going out with a distant cousin and was probably going to disclose that to you. But you do care for this guy and you're trying to figure out if he thinks you are important. He does think you are important he just doesn't have good tools for relationships and he has other self esteem issues.

"Should he have gotten as defensive as he did?"

He didn't have to but that's how he is. He probably feels that if you knew you would require him to delete them or he may risk the relationship. But if he was open to losing you he would be more open to you. The truth is that most people usually still feel a little something for almost every one in their past. And that if circumstances were different that maybe they could be with them. And in that case an unexpected engagement makes them realize that they just lost their 268th backup plan so they may want to review the list and see what else they possibly lost. That doesn't mean that who they're with isn't the one they want it's just they built this backup plan and are trying to maintain it in case things go south. Others may not do this though. Some try their best at a relationship, and if it doesn't workout they don't go back. For such there is no backup plan, they're just with the one they're with until it doesn't work out and they don't maintain an active backup list.

"Would seeing searches like that bother anyone else?"

Yes. if you were told you're the only one such a search would be a blow to your trust and self esteem. If you were of the opinion that he likes you the most but still likes others such a search wouldn't bother you at all. But then you wouldn't invest in that person as much either.

"And does the wedding/engagement excuse sound legitimate?"

No, he just doesn't want to reveal the names so that he doesn't have to delete them. The optimal solution for him would be him looking up these people and you not caring and giving him love anyway. Maybe they could come up as guy pictures and names when you looked at them? Since that can't happen, there need to be some excuses

And you're not worthless, you are actually really really good relationship material. So, when does this relationship stop being long distance? Maybe his insecurities will go down then. If they don't even after that then this is not a good long term relationship and you need to find someone that has better self esteem.

Mari thank you so so SOOOO much for such a thoughtful response. I can't tell you how much it means to me. Thank you.

The screwed up part is these people he's searching are ones he's already defriended ....so to me it just makes me wonder why (other than a mutual friends post) that he is thinking of them.

And I know he doesn't actually like other girls, he doesn't even look at them (and I do have to say he doesn't contact them and tells me if he ever sees them or hears from them)and I do trust him a lot in this respect. But now with this all happening it shakes that trust a little bit. It just makes me question if I'm really the only one for him like he's always said. (Hard in the first place when you learn about all the girls of the past and all of his lines to them) I understand maybe he feels violated (though he's always said I can know whatever I want and vice versa with him) but I just needed to know that I maybe didn't deserve that kind of treatment. Again, thank you so so much. Your input is very helpful

Yay, I read it till the end It seems like you two aren't in a supportive relationship. Since you're writing and I haven't heard his side I'm going to put more blame on him. The way you write about him he seems immature, controlling, passive aggressive, and worried that he's going to lose you. You seem pretty nice and seem to be adhering to the rules and probably could do better.

 

Disagree. They both seem equally immature/insecure/controlling. Seriously, having eachother's password and looking at who they searched on? How incredibly self-destructive and controlling is that?

I did that with ONE boyfriend of mine, and oh hell, never again. Worst, most toxic relationship I have ever been in.

Sorry but both of you have a lot of growing up to do. Making eachother jealous on purpose, getting upset if the other hasn't called in a certain amount of hours.... where is the trust, the mutual respect?

I can see why he got so mad at you calling you a psycho (which ofc isn't a nice thing to call you, but he had a point...), you were making him explain himself to you because..? Just because he is in a relationship with you, does it mean he should never look up other girls' fb again?

I think both of you would benefit from getting off facebook for a while and spending some time apart. Your whole view on how relationships are supposed to work is skewed..

For him to be as 'defensive' as he was, seems to show he's hiding stuff.

IF what he was doing was NOT a problem, he wouldn't be so defensive about it all.

Seems like there's just too much jealousy between you two. It may be best to just let him be to go 'search' all of his women!?

There's just too much crap happening and LD does not help anything

Yeah. I could see how you’d think that. Fast forward 4 years now though and not only was ourengagement broken off but he was doing sketchy garbage for a lot of our relationship. Turned out to be a pathological liar and complete narcissist. My intuition is usually somewhat on par and it takes A LOT to get me to do a lot of the things I stooped to (snooping/asking for a lot of reassurance/trying to catch someone in lies). He hid a lot, and I mean A LOT from me. Unfortunately the trash he hid was actually super detrimental to our relationship whereas the few things I ever hid from him (ie- about having any guy friends ever from school or someone maybe coming into my work ) I realize now were nothing, and that he was the actual psycho deflecting his sketchy ass habits on me. So you know what? I’m actually kind of glad I did the research into his behaviors that I did! If I didn’t...I may have started a life with someone who was all too good at lying and hiding things to get away with it. As much as it was probably viewed as “immaturity” on some of my parts, I sure as F don’t regret it now. Sometimes a story has a little more depth to it than we as outsiders are capable of assuming.

Disagree. They both seem equally immature/insecure/controlling. Seriously, having eachother's password and looking at who they searched on? How incredibly self-destructive and controlling is that?

I did that with ONE boyfriend of mine, and oh hell, never again. Worst, most toxic relationship I have ever been in.

 

Sorry but both of you have a lot of growing up to do. Making eachother jealous on purpose, getting upset if the other hasn't called in a certain amount of hours.... where is the trust, the mutual respect?

I can see why he got so mad at you calling you a psycho (which ofc isn't a nice thing to call you, but he had a point...), you were making him explain himself to you because..? Just because he is in a relationship with you, does it mean he should never look up other girls' fb again?

 

I think both of you would benefit from getting off facebook for a while and spending some time apart. Your whole view on how relationships are supposed to work is skewed..

Yeah. I could see how you’d think that. Fast forward 4 years now though and not only was ourengagement broken off but he was doing sketchy garbage for a lot of our relationship. Turned out to be a pathological liar and complete narcissist. My intuition is usually somewhat on par and it takes A LOT to get me to do a lot of the things I stooped to (snooping/asking for a lot of reassurance/trying to catch someone in lies). He hid a lot, and I mean A LOT from me. Unfortunately the trash he hid was actually super detrimental to our relationship whereas the few things I ever hid from him (ie- about having any guy friends ever from school or someone maybe coming into my work ) I realize now were nothing, and that he was the actual psycho deflecting his sketchy ass habits on me. So you know what? I’m actually kind of glad I did the research into his behaviors that I did! If I didn’t...I may have started a life with someone who was all too good at lying and hiding things to get away with it. As much as it was probably viewed as “immaturity” on some of my parts, I sure as F don’t regret it now. Sometimes a story has a little more depth to it than we as outsiders are capable of assuming.

Hopefully you broke up and have nothing to do with him or his people and have blocked and deleted them from all messaging platforms and social media apps.

Have you moved on and started dating again?

Fast forward 4 years now though and not only was ourengagement broken off but he was doing sketchy garbage for a lot of our relationship. Turned out to be a pathological liar and complete narcissist.

Hopefully you broke up and have nothing to do with him or his people and have blocked and deleted them from all messaging platforms and social media apps.

 

Have you moved on and started dating again?

It took until just a few months ago (we were on and off for about 2 years more trying to make it work) but yes we finally went our separate ways. And it was because he found out that I met someone when we were broken up and then assumed all I did was cheat on him...which had never ever been the case. When he and I got back together the few times we did, that was that. I was ALWAYS faithful. But this was probably an easy cop out for him...I’d imagine he’s probably telling everyone I wronged him now, which really does hurt. I will have a hard time not seeing his family. That’s probably one of my biggest struggles...they did so much for me and are amazing people. Thank you for your concern and input so much.