"Momma's Boys" Misogynistic?

I have a grown-up so. In his 20's. We were very close while he was growing up as he spent most of those years with me after I divorced his father. I do not see as much of him as I would like to - especially as I have now moved away to the country. I have realised that I worked harder than I probably needed to in "letting go" of my son. He is very independent and is now widely travelled. I am thinking now that I was always a bit worried that he would become a "Momma's Boy" and that would be a terrible thing. I'm changing my mind about this whole "Momma's Boy" labelling, and I am certain that at least in many cases, that labelling is all about patriarchy. A man who deeply cares for and takes care of his mother is regarded as defective. He should move away from his mother for the prize of a wife or female partner. It's all so stereotyped. I have been with a man who was very close to his mother, and I had a close relationship with her. She said I was like a daughter to her.

Is anyone else on the same page as me, and did you and your son develop a stronger relationship, and how did things change.

My son and I have a very strong relationship. But he is still only 16 so I don't know how that will change over time. Personally, I don't feel there's anything wrong with having a strong relationship with your children or your children with you. You should not have to throw your family away when you get a romantic relationship. I am very close to my mother always have been and always will be no matter what other relationships I have. I don't have one with my father for various reasons. But if he was not mentally ill we would have a good relationship. I don't see your family relationship as being in competition with your romantic one. Do I think you should respect your spouse and support your spouse or partner? Yes. Do Do I think you should support and respect and love your family? Yes.

Another aspect for me is that my family is forever. Other things come and go but my family does not. It is not something I like to give thought to but hey it could happen that my husband and I could get divorced so romantic relationships are not forever. But my mother will always be my mother and my son will always be my son. Nothing in this universe could ever change that.

Absolutely agree with everything you say Vic!

I think the momma's boy label comes in play when the grown man is incapable of handling his own domestic needs.

I was in a relationship with what I consider to be a "momma's boy". He was 35 and he had a strong and loving relationship with his mother--that was not the issue at all.

The issue was that his mother would do all his laundry for him--she had a key to his place and would go in and do his laundry and fold it and put it away, she would also clean his place and change the kitty litter too. She would bring food for and leave it in the freezer--he did not cook for himself at all and she had never taught him that basic skill. He welcomed this stuff, and she seemed to have issues with letting him go, in that she would get upset and pouty when he chose to hang out with me over her. I feel that this was a very unhealthy dynamic, and these are the things that would make me label a man as a momma's boy, not what you outlined in your post. The things you wrote are good, and healthy IMO. It's when the mothering or his dependance on your mothering hinders his ability to grow up and live like an adult

There is a world of difference between the "Momma's Boy" type and a man who loves and is devoted to his mother. A Momma's Boy stays dependent on his mother for basic needs that he can and should be providing for himself after a certain age--food, cleaning, a place to live, a car. A Momma's Boy also lets his mother make decisions for him even after he's a grown man or he jumps every time Mom asks for something, no matter how trivial, losing friends, family and relationships and sometimes even jobs over his inability to have any boundaries or personal life of his own.

There is nothing however wrong with a man who loves his mother, who helps her and looks after her well-being when she truly needs help, who is proud to introduce her to the people in his life. He comes to her for advice and to share in his good fortune in life. Just as he does with anyone else that he loves who has given him a happy life and love. And the same goes for a woman who loves her mother or father in this same way.

Currently my elderly mother is suffering from Alzheimer's. She can't live on her own, so I spent months putting things into place to get her affairs taken care of and have her come live with me. I'm not by any means of the imagination a "Momma's Girl", just a woman who loves her mother and wants to make her life as comfortable and happy as I can in the time she has left.

There is a difference between a close and healthy relationship with mom where there is healthy communication and boundaries vs one where he puts mom's feelings above his own and puts her before a wife. My boyfriend deeply cares about his mom, but he doesn't put her ahead of his own health. He doesn't rush to her side because she sounds kind of like she is in a blah mood. She is responsible for her own moods and feelings. Its about having a healthy dynamic with mom, not one that treats her like a wife.

Good points ladies! Our mother also has early dementia, and my sisters who live close to her have done SO much for her, and a lot of people would take what they do for granted. My father died young, but all of us would have offered same for him.

Definitely, boundaries with my son. Even if I was inclined to interfere with relationships, he would tell me to mind my own business.

gotta say though that I think most parents - well I know I do - when a new girlfriend comes along these days - my first thought now is "I hope she doesn't hurt my beautiful son." That has happened before and it's hard to watch.

Just thinking though Happybear, my sister is married to a guy - he is not dependent on his mother for anything - but my sister does every bit of domestic work. He doesn't even know how to turn on a washing machine so my sister does all the stuff his mother used to do. Most people would consider him a great catch because he is a millionaire. Does anyone understand what I mean though about the capitalistic and patriarchal view/stereotypes in relation to this and men's relationships with their mothers and women. Nobody has ever remarked on anything unusual about my bro-in-law not being able to do those things - I do recall some people, including my sister laughing about it - because by being a millionaire and financially supporting the family very well, it isn't considered important - marriage as part of patriarchy and capitalism.

I remember he also didn't care for D...and told you so after he thought you two were over! He seems like a well adjusted young man. I think a man who loves and cares for his mom...will love and care for his wife. I've always heard, 'how he treats his mother, is how he will treat his wife'....

But that does not mean the typical Momma's boy. Tied to her apron strings.

Just thinking though Happybear, my sister is married to a guy - he is not dependent on his mother for anything - but my sister does every bit of domestic work. He doesn't even know how to turn on a washing machine so my sister does all the stuff his mother used to do. Most people would consider him a great catch because he is a millionaire. Does anyone understand what I mean though about the capitalistic and patriarchal view/stereotypes in relation to this and men's relationships with their mothers and women. Nobody has ever remarked on anything unusual about my bro-in-law not being able to do those things - I do recall some people, including my sister laughing about it - because by being a millionaire and financially supporting the family very well, it isn't considered important - marriage as part of patriarchy and capitalism.

Ya I get what you are saying about patriarchy. That's the society we live in and it is still ingrained in us even though women have made great strides toward equality.

I think that in many situations where a guy is a momma's boy, it ends up that once he is coupled or married his wife turns into "momma" to her SO, like your sisters situation. I know that if I had of stayed with the momma's boy, if I had of moved in with him, he would have steered me toward doing all the domestic stuff--which is part of the reason why I ended things. Don't get me wrong, I love doing this stuff, cooking, ironing etc., I'm a huge homebody, but I know that I would start to get resentful if I end up becoming "mommy" to my SO.

I don't have any desire to take on a traditional housewife role--aside from (ideally) taking a few years off to care for my kid(s) in their formative years (if I ever have kids), but even then (ideally) I would like for my future husband to also take time to be a stay-at-home-dad too--I prefer equality in a relationship on all fronts.

I think your sister's lifestyle is more common in older generations, boomers and older, not as common for Gen X, and less still for Gen Y. I personally don't know any women (my age--30's) that would prefer your sister's lifestyle. I don't know what generation your sister falls into but if she is older then maybe that is why nobody bats an eyelash about it. As for the millionaire thing, what I have noticed (and I am not generalizing--I actually see this on a day-to-day basis--I'm not going to get into how) is that for many wealthy/millionaire (older) couples, the man is the traditional breadwinner married to a housewife. I don't think this dynamic is uncommon.

Not that there is anything wrong with it though either--unless she is unhappy or resentful with the dynamic, or her place in the relationship . I don't want to be judgey, If it works for them and they are both happy then more power too them, right?

Hi HB, yes my sister and I are both late baby boomer era. I know you shouldn't generalise, but the younger men are much easier people to know than thei grandfathers.

I remember he also didn't care for D...and told you so after he thought you two were over! He seems like a well adjusted young man. I think a man who loves and cares for his mom...will love and care for his wife. I've always heard, 'how he treats his mother, is how he will treat his wife'....

 

But that does not mean the typical Momma's boy. Tied to her apron strings.

Yes, I hope he would treat any woman he is with very well, and I have never seen or heard anything to the contrary.

My son was extremely fond of G - it was my breakup with him that got me here. My son was so disappointed. He tried not to show it, but I am sure he was very upset. He really admired and looked up to G. I remember how happy he was when I introduced him to G. As soon as we were on our own, he said "Mum, that's the type of man I have always wanted you to meet." I'm sorry I wasn't able to make my son even happier by marrying a really good man. I think he worries about me - I appreciated it so much when he took me to the hospital, and I suppose, it's at least pArtly that reason he would want me to be with someone who he knows would take care of me in sickness and health. I just have to get creative and find other ways to manage my life creatively, not depending on others or being a burden to anyone. I think I have sorted that out now,