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Thread: "Boyfriend" lives w/ ex common law wife...

  1. #1

    "Boyfriend" lives w/ ex common law wife...

    First and foremost I would like to apologize for the lengthy story I am about to write. I hope that the time I spend on this website opening up on my relationship will help me get some insight.



    I am 23. Have been working at a call center since about 4 years ago (was laid off for a year) and amidst that time I began chatting via skype with one of the IT guys, for this thread I will call him... Dale (34 y/o).. In the beginning, I thought he was married and I knew they had kids. It was just friendly chatting... I had a boyfriend as well. A couple months of chatting and my boyfriend at the time had left me (Not related) I was devastated, acted out, tried to get him back, hooked up with other people, then tried to get him back some more (almost did too...) all the while I was telling "Dale" about my heartbreak, my "single girl escapades"... the whole nine yards. So he knew how devastated I was. Things got a little more flirty, and one day he told me that he was in an "open relationship." He explained it to me as that sometimes even though you love someone, you can't deny that you are attracted to others... and if you trust eachother and be safe, it shouldn't be a problem. This sparked my interest (at the time). I guess I kind of thought it was kinky or something, and I immediately saw him in a different light. Fast forward another month and a half and we had hooked up. He was infatuated and did not want to be in an open relationship, wanted to be exclusive and yadda yadda. WE kept this pretty quiet from the workplace,although looking back in retrospect I'm sure it has been obvious all along. At some point very early on, he had changed his story that it wasn't really an "open relationship"... It was actually that they were going to split up, they ARE in fact split up but they own the house together, have the mortgage, and have two young kids and figured it would just be easier to live like this. That is ... (apparently) until I came along. So then he said that he is going to move out/sell the house (doesn't want to go from a home owner to renting) and be with me, forever.

    He has a "man cave" in the garage with a couch and all of his computers and that's where he sleeps.. apparently. I have been there a handful of times when she has been out of town. I've also hung out with his kids maybe like 3 times.

    Fast forward 19 months later and here we are... "Dale" still lives with her.... the house is apparently up for sale but not listed to try to save realtor fees...

    Not to mention... he is kind of controlling/abusive. I have said multiple times that we need to end this. The jealousy in this relationship is through the roof. Whenever I say that we are done he says he is going to kill himself... like me being in his life is necessary for his existence... that is a lot of pressure to put on someone. For example, at this very moment apparently he is drunk off his ass after I just dumped him for having a coworker who he used to chat with about her taking Cialus and having in depth conversations about HER sex life/sexual organs on g+ after he told me he removed her from his life blah blah.. jealousy stuff. And he is texting me asking him to take care of him.


    he is apparently very serious about me and wants me to live with him when he buys his new house, wants me to have his babies.. the whole nine yards...

    I should also note he is diagnosed bipolar and is not taking any medication for it as none was working and they were giving him bad side effects... and he hardly ever sleeps (apparently)

    I should also note that everyday I doubt if things even are as he says they are... as in.. are him and the mother of his children actually together? does he sleep with her and thats why he doesn't text me at night??

    I also know that he is a huge flirt, which probably stems from being able to have his cake and eat it too, live with her and still sleep with other women... there are multiple women at our workplace who I can tell the relationship they share with Dale is a bit too friendly..


    Ugh... I'm sorry if this post is hard to read. I tried to start out giving every single detail but it's so hard to fit 19 months of a messed up relationship into a text box... there's so much more to it... If anyone has any questions please ask... and/or give me some input... I am beyond defeated with this whole thing. Just looking for some opinions.. I'm not sure if this description of the relationship offers enough info for opinions... but... he is freaking out at me right now and I can't really type more. .I look forward to hearing what anyone has to say.
    Thank you.
    Last edited by username99; 08-04-2014 at 09:08 PM. Reason: There's just so much...

  2. #2
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    It's almost irrelevant whether he's really with her or not, because you say he's controlling and abusive, and has threatened suicide. That's reason enough not to be with someone.

    Everything about this situation sounds horribly unhealthy. Why would you continue?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Moontiger's Avatar
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    1) Abusive/controlling/jealous
    2) Bi-polar
    3) Liar (changes story)
    4) Living with wife

    ...Really? You pick this guy out of the 3.5 billion men on the planet?

    FACTS:

    1) He is not going to leave her
    2) His kids will hate you
    3) He will lose interest and do what he is doing to his wife to you once he has you.

  4. #4
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    re read your post..this guy is toxic...ask yourself why you would get involved with him when you have mentioned some VERY real reasons not to. Defeated?..I think any normal person would be too.

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  6. #5
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    the house is apparently up for sale but not listed to try to save realtor fees...
    This is really interesting. For sale but not listed... how are people going to know it's for sale then? Telepathy?

    So, bipolar, suicidal, abusive, stuff aside... he's obviously not leaving his wife or selling his house. You're young, 23, you can get some hot guy without baggage. Why are you with this guy?? Do you not think you can do better?

  7. #6
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    There are so many red flags with this guy there's only one thing to tell you. Run. Why.are.you.not.running????? You do know this is only going to get worse, not better. Him living with the ex-wife is the least of your worries. That abusive personality, the threats to kill himself, the irrational jealousy--these are all warning signs of an abuser and yes, far worse is coming if you're foolish enough to stay. Plus have you even met the ex-wife? Just how ex is she really.

    No, skip all that. Just run.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    How dare he introduce you to his kids & let you hang out with them!!! That is just disgusting.
    So how did he introduce you to them? As "Daddy's friend" ? What happens when one of the kids tells Mum about Daddy's new friend?? If it was my kids I would be livid.

    You need to cut all contact & stay away from married guys. Go & find yourself someone single.

  9. #8
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    You need to run from this guy as soon as possible.... chi

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    "he is apparently very serious about me and wants me to live with him when he buys his new house, wants me to have his babies.. the whole nine yards..."
    - He is not serious about you. You are a rebound for him. They always start off this strong and die off just as fast.
    Niether of your are stable right now. Both going through break ups etc.

    "I should also note he is diagnosed bipolar and is not taking any medication for it as none was working and they were giving him bad side effects... and he hardly ever sleeps (apparently)"
    - Not good.

    "I should also note that everyday I doubt if things even are as he says they are... as in.. are him and the mother of his children actually together? does he sleep with her and thats why he doesn't text me at night??"
    - Not good. No trust?

    " he is kind of controlling/abusive. I have said multiple times that we need to end this. The jealousy in this relationship is through the roof. Whenever I say that we are done he says he is going to kill himself... like me being in his life is necessary for his existence... that is a lot of pressure to put on someone."
    - Not good. Red flag!

    And you want this guy in your life.. Why??

    You best remove yourself from this unstable man and his unstable life.
    He's got many issues and you do NOT need any of it.

    And.. as for this..

    >> "I am 23. Have been working at a call center since about 4 years ago (was laid off for a year) and amidst that time I began chatting via skype with one of the IT guys, for this thread I will call him... Dale (34 y/o).. In the beginning, I thought he was married and I knew they had kids. It was just friendly chatting... I had a boyfriend as well. A couple months of chatting and my boyfriend at the time had left me (Not related) I was devastated, acted out, tried to get him back, hooked up with other people, then tried to get him back some more (almost did too...)"
    - I suggest YOU think of doing some serious down time. For YOU. Good chance this guy is like a rebound for yourself as well.
    You really do need to take some time, on your own and DEAL with your own break up.
    Take a good few months away from men. Deal with your emotions and mentality and work on getting yourself mentally stable & happy again.

    I feel you really do need this.

  11. #10
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    He won't leave. He won't change. Because what he does works for him. He probably even likes who he is and likes even more how he can manipulate people into doing what he wants while he gets away with murder and takes no responsiblity for anything he does or says.

    If he threatens suicide again, threaten to (or do) call his 'wife' and let her deal with it. She will be used to his behaviour because I guarantee if he's doing it to you, he's doing it to her.

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