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Stressed about what to do now because she is very rude to me after having baby.


ynguns251

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Hi I had posted on here before about my girlfriend being pregnant and having a kid. I was happy at first but soon after she found out she was having a kid things went to hell in a hand basket. I had tried everything to make this work but with little acceptance from her.

 

She is a teacher and lives in IL and I am a firefighter who lives in IN and I cannot move outside of the state or I will lose my job and also my 16 years of service. I explained to her this situation and she at first accepted it then her demands started.

 

She was so afraid of what her co-workers would think that it actually consumed her life. I was always hearing about how everyone was going to think poorly of her and her image will be ruined unless I got her a ring. I was not against buying a ring but she had gotten pregnant two months into dating and I was not ready for such a major move at that time " who would be ? "

 

She told me she would never move in my house and that i should buy a new house because it would be "ours" i don't have $400,000 just sitting around to do such a thing and we both have places and I suggested that given the circumstance she move in for awhile but she was against the option.

 

She had the kid on 7-21-14 and gave birth to a healthy girl but I was treated like crap even when i arrived at the hospital being told "Get out" by her mom then they let me in but i had to sit in the corner and watch kid be born.

 

The day after I went there and the woman came for me to sign the birth certificate but I refused because my name was not childs last name it was her name on it and I was really mad and advised by attorney not to sign it because I need to make sure kid is mine.

 

I want to do the right thing and I filed for paternity in Indiana and also asked to have my name on certificate i don't know what else to possibly do because I can't be by her everyday and it's very saddening.

 

 

Jim

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I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for you!

 

I absolutely agree w/ your attorney, do NOT get your name on ANYTHING until you get a paternity test done to confirm the child is yours. After that, the state or an attorney can help you w/ what you need to do to get paternal rights.

 

Are you still w/ this woman? What was your relationship like during the pregnancy? Was there some major conflict? It sounds like she's really mad and resentful about something. What do you think it is? I've been a labor and delivery nurse for years and most of the time even couples who have split up (unless on horrible terms) come together and are civil during the hospital stay and delivery. So, from my experience seeing 1000+ births, many of which included couples in conflict before the birth, this is unusual behavior, imo. Like super pissed off stick it to him behavior.

 

I doubt things will get better w/ her to be honest. Again I'm terribly sorry you're having to deal w/ this right now. Hugs to you!!

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I agree, get a paternity test due to the timing of the pregnancy. And she is being unreasonable expecting you to give up 17 years of seniority and move when the two of you haven't been getting along at all. It really sounds like you just need to first pursue the paternity test (and make sure you are present or it is done by a neutral third party to ensure it is done correclty).

 

If the child is yours, then you can set up a visitation schedule. You may not see your child every day, but you can be a part of her life because legally you are entitled to visitation, and if she won't agree to something reasonable given how far apart you live, the judge will come up with a schedule.

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Well, you've been saying for a good amount of time now that you weren't sure if the baby is yours and you sought legal counsel to assist you in determining paternity. So, I can see why she didn't want you in there or hands on. Then you didn't want to sign the AoP. Are you really surprised that you were told to get out/stuffed in the corner?

 

I hope things legally move as quickly as possible for you.

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Well I am surprised I was asked to leave only due to the fact that I attended all the birthing classes and post partum care and was told by her if I did not go I would be left out.

 

As far as our relationship " it sucks " I met a prude a woman who refuses to hold hands kiss in public and as far as sex " forget that " because it does not happen and when it did it was downright awful.

 

I think her mother is partly to blame for this. I go to see the kid and her mom is at the house which I appreciate very much due to the fact that I cannot be there everyday especially working 24 on 48 off but she used to be a labor and delivery nurse so she thinks she can run the show.

 

I talked to my attorney and he said to me " look this woman wants nothing to do with you and if she loved me no woman would demand a new house a $10k ring especially after 2 months"'

 

By law since I refused to sign birth certificate I have no rights to kid however if she refused to let me see kid I could file an emergency adjunction which gives me and my mother and father visitation for 2 hrs 3 times a week.

 

I wish I was in love with her I really do but how could I possibly be especially since she came to my house 9 times in 11 months it is freaking pathetic and now with her keeping her last name fir child it's a slap in the face. I bet she would not mind getting a check with my last name on it would she ?

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You're wanting to treat this baby as your own on your terms, but then tossing around the paternity card when it suits you as well. You can't do that and expect no animosity and tension in return. So just get on with it, cross your fingers that it moves fast and she doesn't attempt to stall you out and drag it on for months and months.

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Very true to you all. I have and will accept responsibility but the fact is she sure got awful scared when I asked her if she had slept with another guy when we first were talking.

 

I think she had this planned from the get go unfortunately because she would say things like " I would even work out a contract to have a kid " and like a fool here is me who could not see the " red flags "

 

I have become a better person though I can say this much. I have showed compassion and even my attorney said to ask to see the child because chances are it is my kid and it will look good in court.

 

I do not like being mean to snyone in fact I hate it with a capital "H" but I cannot be strong armed into anything without feeling confortable kid or no kid I hzve to be happy.

 

The sad thing to me is if kid is mine I want her to be loved inconditionally but am afraid she will rarely see me due to her mom snd her family that is shy I am fighting for pat test.

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Once paternity is established (and they have to establish paternity if you request it legally - they have no choice), they can't legally stop you from seeing your child. That's the law. No ifs ands or buts. If you want a relationship with your daughter, you will have one. They don't want you to see her? Tough nuts. If they don't abide by the visitation schedule or put up road blocks, then contact the courts and you will get time with your daughter. Courts hate deadbeat dads but they also hate moms who keep away children from their able and willing fathers who complain.

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That's what these laws are for. It's just important that you work WITH them to establish paternity, get your visitation, adjust visitation in the future, etc.

 

Men really do get screwed if they don't go through the system because only by doing so can they GUARANTEE visitation.

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I was advised to file in IN just to get the upper hand. I dont want to screw anybody over but I doubt she wants to be with me and or move to Indiana.

 

I am sad because I always wanted a family but with her it is impossible.

 

My friends and family say that I would be very unhappy and I know this too. I have tried everything even offering therapy for us but she refuses.

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I just got off the phone with her and was seeing what was a good time for my mom to bring gifts she had bought for the kid over to her house and see the baby. She got really crabby with me saying " she can come at 3:30-4:30 and I asked her why for only an hour and also why so late? she said because she has a feeding schedule but it's weird because i was there at noon on several occasion that time and she was not feeding the kid.

 

I am doing exactly what my lawyer advised but I am tired of driving there to see the kid and then be asked to leave because her mother is there. i should have just signed the darn certificate and then took a paternity test but I listened to my lawyer and I guess he is the expert at this ( I hope ).

 

Once i establish paternity and if kid is mine she has no choice but to bring the kid to see me and if she thinks I am a taxi she has something else coming. I never seen such a selfish woman my entire life. She hates my mom because my mom said to her before " You don't have to get married just because you have a kid " and this was in reference to her telling my mom that her co-workers will think less of her because she is pregnant and not married.

 

My mother is a super sweet woman all my ex girlfriends loved her and all my buddies too. She deserves respect and if the kid is mine she has every right to see the baby. i called my attorney today he said he will file an emergency adjunction if she refuses to let my mother see the kid.

 

JB

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Having a newborn and trying to recuperate while everyone wants to come over is extremely tiresome. She didn't say no, she said later and for X amount of time. Newborns eat every 2- 3 hours. Sometimes they want to eat every hour. Or even less than that.

 

She's not required to keep a revolving door letting anyone in at any time. Also, no, establishing paternity doesn't mean she brings your baby to you. That's something to deal with when you petition for custody/visitation and likely referred to mediation, who picks up/drops off.

 

Stop calling your child "the kid". It's so impersonal and crude sounding. And if you doubt this baby is even yours, why in the WORLD are you getting your mother attached and demanding visits? Why wouldn't you wait until you know with certainty?

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Stay calm. You need to be your most mature self. And drum up some more of that compassion you are learning about. You say you are a better man, so please BE that better man and hold off looking for battle. Newborns have unpredictable schedules, both sleep and eating, and the new mom is very likely exhausted as she is not getting a full night's sleep and hasn't for months (leading up to and following the birth). It's exhausting being a new mom, period, and I can only imagine how much tougher it is being a single mom. You have no idea.

 

1 hour is plenty for visiting a newborn, and for your mom, 1/2 hour should have been enough. Expecting more is rude on your mom's part, quite frankly, and especially so considering the contention between you and your ex-girlfriend. (Are you split up?)

 

I'm sorry you are "tired of driving" and it's too bad, but it's the price you pay at the moment for getting into this situation. Of course how things stand at the moment isn't how it wil always be, but it's not about your convenience at the moment. A newborn is not convenient for anybody, but she isn't going to be hauled around at this stage because you are "tired." You know that.

 

" Once i establish paternity and if kid is mine she has no choice but to bring the kid to see me and if she thinks I am a taxi she has something else coming. I never seen such a selfish woman my entire life."

 

I hope you'll reconsider that fighting attitude. Down the road you will establish visitations and they will evolve as your child grows, but you need to go in ready to work something out, and not start a war. Even if your ex is being difficult, or things aren't easy for you, YOU be the mature one, and stay calm.

 

Oh, and start being more fatherly in your attitude. Act as if she is your baby, until you find out otherwise, and don't think of her as "the kid". And congratulations! I hope you build a loving and supportive relationship with your daughter.

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I agree with JN. I'll say yes, it is exhausting as a single mother. Your body is healing, your hormones are all whacky and you have this warm little bundle that demands things on a constant basis. You have no sleep at night/wake during the day. Your newborn doesn't likely sleep for more than 3 hours at a time(that's pushing it, frankly). And get this, 5 hours is considered "sleeping through the night" and a cause for celebration. That probably won't happen for another 2 months or so. You have to squeeze in your sleep time when they're sleeping.

 

I want to know what you expect. You have high expectations for a man who won't claim this baby yet but wants to reap all the benefits at his convenience. And no, your mom doesn't need to be there longer than that. 1 hour is generous. Babies are very, very easily overstimulated and it is hectic for mom to deal with while everyone goes home to their quiet houses, oblivious.

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I agree newborns are a lot of work and exhausting however she let all her friends come to see the child and also all her family too. I live an hour away from her so to drive there for an hour stay an hr then drive home is not very sensible. I am portrayed as the villain here by her family because I never bought her a ring or got suckered in to buying a new house. My house is beautiful 3 beds 2 baths huge yard and she tells me she would rather downgrade then live there because I had other women in my house before. I think this is why we are both single i am a hard man to deal with but when i am wrong I admit it.

 

The other day i added 3 friends to my Facebook and 2 of them are my cousins. She started saying I was looking for women on the site and i said " two are cousins and one is a married woman I went to school with " She has had trust issues from the get go.

 

She always brings up this ex boyfriend of hers and makes him out to be a saint. I asked her if he was so great why did you break up with him? she said that his stepfather killed himself because of ptsd from Vietnam and she was upset with him because he would spend time with his mother after the incident. I was appalled and said " how could you not see he was doing the right thing? " I would understand anyone trying to comfort their parents in a situation such as that one.

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I have seen the baby 4 times but every time I am there she gets crabby as soon as her mom comes downstairs and starts saying stuff to me like " How is your Facebook life " and did you meet any women jim? i just ignore it and then I know it's time to leave.

 

I have not seen her at my house in over 4 months and that is unfair i don't care pregnant or not. i am paramedic and have actually delivered babies both in the E.R and on the ambulance so if something went wrong ever we have an emergency room close and I have 18 years experience as a medic to know techniques needed to help a sick child make it to an E.R.

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Ok, everything you are talking about is not relevant to the situation. This is about your daughter and keeping a civil peace(as much as possible) between you and your (ex?)girlfriend. You're still in the relationship/break up headspace and you really have to get out of it, because this is the kind of stuff that spurs people to start custody wars and all this other business just to spite each other.

 

I'll stress again, she is not obligated to keep a revolving door for everyone. You live apart and aren't together, presumably. Though she is your daughter, boundaries don't cease to exist.

 

The baby is what, a week and half old or something and you've seen her 4 times? That's great. You know, this is what is good for babies at this age. Short and frequent visits. It also sounds like you're not told to leave, rather you don't feel comfortable so you go.

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Yes I am glad I seen kid but her dad gets there and gives me these dark evil looks. I was a professional boxer before and i do jiu jitsu so I cannot afford to fight or get into any heated battles with anyone.

 

I will do my best but she gets mad because I work 2 jobs, but what can i say I am paying the bills and unlike her as a teacher who is off all summer I have to work and also if my shift at the firehouse falls on a holiday i have to work that day too.

 

I told her when we first met about my living situation and also asked her if driving here was too far she said ' nope " but I think she was in a different state of mind that time.

 

She has very good qualities but her mom is a big pain in the butt. I think her trust issues stem from when her dad cheated on her mom years ago. I hate to say this but I can see how her dad is miserable because I am with kelly and even kellys sister advised her to keep mom out of our business.

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