Jump to content

Constant feeling I should end it


johndoe13

Recommended Posts

Many of you have read my post some of you called me crazy.

 

Basically I have issues with my girlfried in many aspects and I'M FEEL I'M CONSTANTLY THINKING OF A BREAK-UP BECAUSE I FEEL THAT SHE IS WITH ME FOR SELFISH REASONS:

1. Her promiscous past and lies about that. She has white lied and plain out lied so much in this regard.

2. Her bad manners

3. Her insensitive

4. Her lack of expressing how she feels about me without me asking her to open up and seems to be rational most of the time. I thought the trip would have changed this.

 

5. New: Her lack of exploring new stuff sexually that I bring forward even though I feel she would have AND HAD explored even more with other men; BUT SHE KEEPS SAYING that I'm the one she has explored the most with...

6. Her lack of interest in my life and what I tell her

7. Her lack of disclosure of what she is thinking

 

What sucks is that what I like about her she gives to me partially and sporatically.

 

-Basically I feel she is not in love with me but more with what she thinks I can offer her (kids, financial stability, romance, patience).

 

We came from what is supposed to be a romatic trip and to just start fresh and again I was frustrated most of the trip:

- Lack of her initiating sex (frequency) and teasing me

- Trying to control all aspects of the trip and when I took the lead did not seem to back me up

 

When I ask her what exactly makes makes me so wonderfull she mentions how I was at the beginning of the relationship.

 

So I promised that if I still felt frustrated after the trip I would dump her. And the conclusion is that I am sexually frustrated NOW as well, not only emotionally. But I can't seem to throw in the towel...I told her this information and also suggested a 2 month ultimatum...

 

Any suggestion besides dumping her?

 

How can somebody want to have a life, projects, children with you but not want to connect on a deeper level??? Is she using me? WILL AN ULTIMATUM WORK???

 

I've been listening to these videos and they make me nervous about my "relationship".

 

 

 

 

Link to comment

I've read your previous thread but didn't comment at that time. I think you should leave her.

 

Anytime a person can't accept the other's person's past (justified or not) and can't stop ruminating on it, it's best to just end the relationship.

 

I'd even say the same thing if your girlfriend had only slept with 1 (ONE) prior man before you, if you had this sort of problem with it. Do I think it's kind of crazy? In that situation, yes. You'd be hard pressed to find a woman who has had NO past whatsoever, unless she were super religious and was "saving herself". But in the end, it doesn't really matter what I think or what anyone else thinks about her past or how you should perceive it. What matters here is what you think.

 

You can't stop obsessing over it, snooping in her email, etc. Just end it already. You aren't ever going to come to peace with it.

Link to comment

What does your ultimatum say?

I agree with Fudgie, if you can't accept her past and your view of her is constantly skewed by it, such as she should be doing this and that in bed with me because I'm sure she's done it before (which I personally find pretty offensive and disrespectful btw), then you should not be with her. Let her go and you'll both be happier with someone who can accept/be accepted.

Link to comment

You do not have to solve her. You only have to decide Is this what I want?

 

It isn't.

 

Accept it, move on.

 

Suggest reading about co-dependence and intimacy avoidance in relationships. There is something deeper going on here and the Google work may help you. Remember, anything she does emotionally is likely a mirror of what you do emotionally.You two are stuck in the matrix. Just stop it.

 

Ask yourself: What I want isn't here, what is stopping me from accepting that?

Link to comment
No offense but how is sex between you two ?

 

I mean, does she initiate it ? How regularly ?

 

Hi well I basically initiate! It's weird but I think that I kind off give her vibes when it should be happening; like tommorw we should have a ROMAnTIC evening....or I start touching her a lot.... When she initiates...it is kindoff expected because she is trying to mend something...

Link to comment

Also; I've told her many times that for me it is important to keep touch when we are at work (like a quick text or call). Yesterday she left out of town for a 1 day trip for work. During the morning say 6:40 am I texted her good morning and wishing her a good day since she was not feeling to well so I wanted to show empathy for her not feeling well and also wanted to see how she was doing. She texts me at noon saying good morning honey (that's it!)and telling me 5 minutes later she sent the text message this morning...anyways at this point I am pissed because she really is not making an effort. I think a nice good morning text in the morning is a basic expectation when you are a serious couple@ What are your thoughts?

Link to comment

It doesn't matter what anyones thoughts are ---- -you barely like this woman anymore.

 

Why don't you put both of you out of your respective misery?

 

And while I know you love to call her a liar --- I have often had texts show up much later, even though I sent them earlier in day and they "sent".

Link to comment
Also; I've told her many times that for me it is important to keep touch when we are at work (like a quick text or call). Yesterday she left out of town for a 1 day trip for work. During the morning say 6:40 am I texted her good morning and wishing her a good day since she was not feeling to well so I wanted to show empathy for her not feeling well and also wanted to see how she was doing. She texts me at noon saying good morning honey (that's it!)and telling me 5 minutes later she sent the text message this morning...anyways at this point I am pissed because she really is not making an effort. I think a nice good morning text in the morning is a basic expectation when you are a serious couple@ What are your thoughts?

 

I don't need to communicate with my partner when he is at work and I really don't need him to communicate with me while I'm at work. The occasional hi will do but I would be seriously annoyed if my partner expected or insisted on a text at a certain time. That's just unreasonable, it's almost like you have to know what she's doing at such and such time.

Link to comment
I don't need to communicate with my partner when he is at work and I really don't need him to communicate with me while I'm at work. The occasional hi will do but I would be seriously annoyed if my partner expected or insisted on a text at a certain time. That's just unreasonable, it's almost like you have to know what she's doing at such and such the.

 

I agree ---- a random "how's your day going" is great. An expected "good morning" or "good night" is meaningless and controlling.

"

Link to comment
I agree ---- a random "how's your day going" is great. An expected "good morning" or "good night" is meaningless and controlling.

"

 

Let put it this way...I say that in a relationship I need to feel connected with the person and feel important to the person (e.i. I miss you honey; have a great day). Things you do at the beginning of any relationship. If I text (you my girlfriend- person I am the most intimate with) I expect you to want to communicate as well and wish me goodmorning (or at the very least basic manners of replying). But you think it is controlling! Would you not reply to your bosses goodmorning? If he gets upset for you not replying when you clearly heard him would it be controlling for him to not expect a goodmorning as well?

 

However, when she gets mad for me not texting her when I leave from work to let her know at what time I get home (used to be for souper preparation) or for not getting her flowers frequently enough I should be understanding and do them because I love her.

 

Maybe my understanding of love is way off! I though that if the person you love thinks something reasonable (normal couple/human behaviour) to give and important you make it happen! If a person talks about something you should should show some interest. I think both people should adapt and be honest with what they want...i've clearly (and maybe done it too much) told her things that are important to me.

Link to comment
Do you think your relationship with her is similar to the relationship between a boss and an employee? And for that matter, relationships in general?

 

You know it was an example to use a common occurrence! What is your point! What i'm saying seems reasonable to me I don't get it.

Link to comment

I think people think it's controlling how you expect a text from your girlfriend. It's one thing to appreciate friendly texts to/from your SO while you're at work but to expect it? That's a bit much, IMO. Work can get busy, not everyone can be sitting there with their phones out. And yes, it's nice to get a reply back but to get angry at her for not replying to your text if you text her at work? That's rather unreasonable.

 

Honestly though, I think you are focused on the wrong thing. You are disgusted by her past and I don't see you ever being at peace with it, ever.

Link to comment

My point? Clearly missed. It is not a good example, because it is not the same thing. The relationship between a boss and a employee is not the same as those between significant others. And to answer the previously posed question, yes I would definitely think it was controlling if my boss TEXTED me (because saying good morning when you see someone in person is once again not the same thing), then got upset if I didn't respond right away or if I didn't respond with the right amount of words or if I didn't respond with the right words. That boss would be an aggressive micromanager and no one wants to work for those people.

Link to comment

I understand. But I guess that I require the same treatment I got for the 1 year in the relationship. When she was out of town she would text me (and me as well) goodmorning....specially when she tells you that she is sick. So I expect to know how she is feeling!

 

I think I'm afraid many couples end that way.

You do everything at the beginning (constant communication, kisses, restaurants, soupers,.....poems); then you start taking people for granted.

Why constant communication

Why kiss all the time

Why hold hands all the time

Why flowers...

 

I think the 5 love languages talks about giving in the language your partner understands. If I feel love with words of affection and touch they love me that way...not the way you feel I should be loved.

Link to comment

What is your girlfriend's love language? Maybe you should read the book. It talks about how love should be given freely, not about ways to compel your partner into doing things the way you want it. In fact, in one example, the author talks about a couple in serious distress. The woman sought help but didn't know what to do to make her husband less cold. And the author told her that it would be pointless to try to force affection out of him, instead she should try to change herself first. Once she starts making an effort to speak in his love language, he might warm up and be more willing to speak to her in hers (which was the ultimate result).

Link to comment
Her lack of exploring new stuff sexually that I bring forward even though I feel she would have AND HAD explored even more with other men; BUT SHE KEEPS SAYING that I'm the one she has explored the most with...

 

- Lack of her initiating sex (frequency) and teasing me

 

I'm a person with a really healthy sex drive. I once dated someone who at first enjoyed our enthusiastic sex life, then weirdly concluded that because I dared to enjoy sex I must've been really casual about it and banged every person either or us had ever come in contact with (which, for the record, wouldn't change a thing about who I am as a person if I had, so whatever). My ex started being accusing, paranoid, and telling me what I "owed" sexually. It killed my desire to be intimate, at all. It made every time we were together feel like a chore and not like a romantic expression and started to just feel dirty to me any time we touched. Once we broke up, I actually required therapy to get over all the sexual hangups I developed. Then I started feeling significantly better, and the relationships I've had since have not had any of those problems.

 

Sounds to me like her lack of initiating sex or wanting to explore is a result of your behavior, not any indication of her own. What kind of ultimatum are you even offering? Sex me more or we are through? Are you sure you want a girlfriend and not a blow up doll who doesn't have that pesky autonomy to be able to say no?

Link to comment

It is important to give your partner love in the "language" that they best understand it, so I agree with you there. However, it's the expectation part that I'm struggling with. You should want your partner to show you love because they love you, not because you expect it from them. You need to just let things happen. When you go into expecting these things, your partner will do them for you not out of love, but because you expect them and will get angry if you don't get them, so they send them to you to shush you up. Is that really what you want?

 

A woman who begs for flowers WILL get flowers from her partner, but not for the reason that she wants. It's not done out of love, it's done to shush her up.

 

And you know, yes, things will cool off in a relationship after a year. It's unrealistic to expect CONSTANT communication after a time. Frequent communication, okay, but constant? No. Same thing with holding hands/kissing all the time. Infatuation wears off.

 

Look at any couple who has been married for a long, long time. Decades even. No, they are not sitting there with their hands and mouths over each other like teenagers.

Link to comment
?

 

Honestly you have a good point and it may be what is happening to me now. I think that what bothers me the most are the LIES not her sexual past per sea...

 

And yes I don't relate to the types of casual encounters she has had although I know that it happens a lot now. I honestly don't know what drives women to trade their sexual power for a lot of cheap sex and validation...anyways; It was the many lies that feed the doubt.

 

But I tell her I want her to be that 'really healthy sexual being' with me.

 

She holds back to tell me her wants (she says she has none!)...and now we still have plein vanilla sex.

Link to comment

A piece of you judges her.

 

She senses you are not a safe respite for her.

 

If she were to become more vulnerable to you, your judgments would hurt.

 

Consequently, she has become less vulnerable, resulting in plain vanilla in the bedroom.

Link to comment

Yep, even if she still consciously loves you, there's a part of her that senses your contempt and hatred - and that's going to stop her responding fully to you. On some level, she senses your constant thoughts of ending the relationship, and she's protecting herself.

 

You are in complete denial of your need to control, and sense of entitlement to this girl, and argue against whenever it's pointed out to you. But until you deal with it, you're going to face problems of this kind in relationships. No ordinary, fallible human being could please you and, frankly, it's not their job to.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...