A post about hope...

Hey guys,

I am not entirely sure why I am writing this, I guess I am feeling nostalgic (for want of a better word), and to try to inspire some hope in people who are currently in a situation I am familiar with.

Today is a special kind of anniversary for me. People have called me strange for remembering it, and think I am crazy for celebrating it, but I do. This day marks the end of an era for me. This day is the day that I left my abusive, violent and cruel ex. It is the day I saved my own life.

I wont go into particulars about what happened, however what I do wish to write about is how I am today, in the hope that I can help just one person.

My first piece of advice is to reach out. Tell someone you know and trust, someone in a position to help. Dont be embarassed or ashamed, because you cant feel those things when you arent living anymore, and for me, it had gotten to that point. Be honest with your family; tell them the truth. Also, be aware that your partner is probably monitoring your calls, and any point of contact you have with the people you love. So be mindful about using the phone, I told a friend in person, where he wouldnt find me.

Secondly, have an exit strategy formed, and have people on hand to help you. Domestic violence groups and the local law enforcement are happy to help you. Get everything out, and never, ever look back. Let people help you, you will need it.

Finally, keep and stay in NC. I can understand it would be harder if children were involved, but NC is the best. Change numbers, inform the law enforcement and put measures in place to protect yourself.

Now for the HOPE part

It has been a long, rough, sad, scary, winding road to get me to where I am today, several years after the traumatic events that occurred on this day. However, I did it I am still alive! I have repaired my relationships with my family, have gotten back in touch with old friends who I had been forbidden to contact. I have made new friends, put myself through college, I actually have a FUTURE, one that didnt involve me being a breeding machine for government benefits, and I now have the most incredible, wonderful man who is so supportive, and is everything I could have wanted and more. Most of all, I am SAFE and HAPPY

Don't EVER let someone make you feel like you have no choice, or that you deserve to be hurt and mistreated, or that your feelings dont matter, or that you dont deserve to have a relationship with your family and friends, or that you should be treated like a slave, and made to answer to someone else for every tiny little thing. It has been hard, I wont lie, but I am so glad I finally left, and I never thought I would be as happy as I am now.

Thanks for reading

Congrats on the anniversary of your new life! It takes strength and courage to leave an abusive situation. I am glad that you did so and you are alive to live your life and write this post. Hugs.

Thanks heaps Victoria I had a really great day with my boyfriend, and while it was a bit sad thinking of how things went, and how bad they got, I am happy because I choose to use this day to look back on how far I have come

Congratulations on you this was a nice read and gave much hope.

Thanks Zengirll! I really wanted to help people, my advice is probaly pretty average, but I dont see my story as being some big sad thing, like woe is me, I had an abusive fiancee. I left and because of that, I lived. My life has changed in ways I never could have imagined. I am happy and successful and proud of how far I have come. It hasnt been easy, I still have some days where I feel a bit down, and he still terrifies me when I see him or his family, but I have moved on, I am stronger, I am doing really well and I will NEVER, EVER let someone treat me like that again.

In a way, my experience has hardend me a bit, but it is a choice/bump in the road that has led me to where I am now, and where I am now is pretty awesome! When I left, I was scared for my life, and was desperately sick and beaten up. I had no idea how my life would change, just after the first week. The bruises went away, I put weight back on, my skin started clearing, I had money in my bank account again, everything just got better, and has kept getting better ever since. Leaving him was the best thing I have ever done, and the only thing I regret (other than meeting him in the first place) is not leaving sooner.

I so wish you happiness still to come, you are a wonderful person and it's great that you realized the potential of 'life' I'm currently in the progress of planning my escape/freedom. He's under my skin pretty bad, I'm seeing a therapist next week. I hope one day I can share my story and my advise to someone too. I guess it's a learning curve, I honestly felt I deserved all I was given by him.. but in the end, it makes you wiser and learn what not to want from a relationship.

Congratulations on deciding you want and deserve better for yourself Zengirll. A therapist will most certainly help you come up with an exit strategy. You deserve better than what you are given by him, especially if he is being abusive. It is a massive learning curve. For me, the biggest lesson I learned was that there are some really bad people in the world. Call me niaeve or whatever, but I was young and from a small town where I never seen people treating others with such disrespect. I figured that given that we are an evolved species capable of feeling emotions and having conscious thoughts, that people might be a bit nicer (for want of a better word) to others. Instead, I managed to find one of the cruellest people I have ever met, and his horrendous family, all of whom treat each other the way I was treated; violence, arguing, etc was all a way of life to these people, it was their normal.

Nobody deserves that. And when I left, I had a big think about what I wanted out of a relationship too. My ex had no mental health issues or anything. There was never an excuse for what he did, it was just the way he was. So when I left, I had about 18 months off relationships. I didnt seek them out or anything, I was single and getting to know myself, and I learned heaps, not just about what I want from future relationships, but about myself too. He stripped away every shred of self confidence, self esteem and happy thoughts I had about myself and destroyed them. He downplayed my need for further education and told me all I was going to be was a stay at home mother with no job and no life outside of the home, because HE wouldnt allow it.

When I left, I surrounded myself with friends and later, family. The main reason I didnt immediately turn back to my family is because they treated me differently. They treated me as though I was some fragile, delicate little thing that might just smash into a million pieces if someone said something I didnt like. They kept telling me I was a victim of domestice violence, which I truly hated; I dont see myself as a victim, because I am still here to tell the story, and feeling sorry for myself never got me anywhere, so I dont think like that. Eventually, I told my family how they were making me feel and they eased off a bit. Now we have completely mended our relationship.

Be around people who are going to build you up, and make sure you can trust them. You dont need people spreading your story all over the place, like mine was; I chose to tell the wrong girl and she kind of made it her business to tell everyone. Be open about what happened to the people you trust, even when you dont feel like it, or when you hate the words coming out of your mouth, keep talking about it and dont keep it to yourself, because it will honestly eat you alive. And dont ever be scared about seeking further professional help if you need it.

Please, please keep us updated on your visit to the therapist and your exit strategy. You deserve all the happiness in the world, away from someone who doesnt treasure and respect you like you deserve. I know its hard, but you are doing the right thing, and you will thank yourself for leaving a million times over.

Gee, what a horrible man he sounds, I can see a glimmer of my boyfriend in the stuff you say. He puts my job down alot, I deal with nursing, and that in itself is stressful, mentally and physically draining. Whenever I have a 'Pssh what a day, I'm so tired' He doesn't even sympathise, he'll just throw a 'Well I do the same' or something higher. I'll tell him I payed £50 for the laundry, and he'll reply with 'Yeah well I paid £60 for food'

Yeah, I've been thinking about what I want from a relationship, with my current boyfriend I feel there is 'love' and security, maybe even comfort from habit. But then I wonder to myself, any man could offer me that, plus with a bonus of fun, laughter, doing silly things, crazy things, stupid things all to gain happy memories. My boyfriend and I had an argument last night, we was watching some film and he starts talking about something, I rubbed my eyes as I was pretty tired then the next thing I knew he was blaming me for rolling my eyes, seeming un-interested. Told him I wasn't and for him to carry on, he refused. I then tried to explain myself and he got really angry, I could actually see him looking around the room for things to throw at me to shut me up, therefore I can't defend myself in any way whatsoever. Whenever we argue I can never say my peace, I get told to shut up and deal with it. SO I completely understand about the self- confidence, I think mine is destroyed thanks to that kind of stuff he does, not being able to defend myself, and being emotionally cut off if I do something bad, it's kind of showing in my personality, I'm not out-spoken as much as I used to be. My backbone is slowly fading day by day.

It's good you had 18 months to yourself, to me, that thought sounds horrifying and the thought of being lonely, but I'm sure you're right, you do need to find yourself afterwards.

How did you end up leaving him? Just packed a bag and ran?

I shall keep you updated thank you for your words ForeverFree.

I can tell you with total honesty that I never felt lonely during my 18 month break from dating. It was awesome, I could just please myself and just heal I guess. I knew what I needed to do to get better and I did them. When I met my new (now ex) boyfriend, I was in a fit state to be in a relationship again, mentally and physically.

Your boyfriend sounds like he is abusive emotionally and physically. Stripping someone of their self worth and throwing things at them is disgusting. You deserve way better. So much of what you have written above is both wrong and a cause for concern; you should never feel that you cant say how you are feeling, you should never be scared of speaking out and you should never have to worry that speaking out will trigger a violent outburst.. So wrong.

As for how I left, I simply packed my things and left. The situation was rather complicated and there were several people there that neednt have been there that made things rather hard, but in the end, I simply packed up and left, and never looked back. I have moved on in my life in leaps and bounds, in all areas of my life. He is still a larger, pathetic excuse for a man, living in his parents basement, living his life through a video game thing and treating people horribly to get what he wants, and he will probably be like that for a long time.

I look forward to hearing of your progress Zengirll. If you do decide to leave and you are scared he will become violent, get the local law enforcement involved.