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Thread: Diary Of A Redhead

  1. #331
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    Just want to say congratulations! I'm so happy for you that you and baby are healthy and happy. Enjoy your family:) It sounds so lovely.
    Hi itsallgrand,

    Thank you so much for your congratulations! Being a new Mama is crazy but full of love - enjoying the mad ride bumps n' all!

    Lo x

  2. #332
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    Since becoming a Mother I have now entered, by accident, the world of the middle class super Mummy.

    This world is dominated by oneupmanship, expensive, ridiculous classes like "baby yoga", "baby massage", "baby sign" (it's very trendy now don'tchaknow and basically guarantees for only £12 a go that your child will end up smarter than Einstein), "messy play" (and, not the erotic type you might first thing of, it's just letting your baby roll around in cake and mush their hand through jelly, again, for a nice fee, we can do that unintentionally at home without charge I think), "baby weaning classes" and oh my GOD IT JUST GOES ON I AM GOING TO BURST!!!!

    This type of small thing to most people just seems to glide over their heads like a little fluffy whisp cloud and they get on with their lives like it never happened, but being immersed in this world, my personality just can't let this stuff go. Seems insignificant doesn't it? Why so angry Lola? So what if they want to teach their baby to do a hand gesture to tell them they're going to poo while having a poo while you can smell it anyway and normally the massive fart is a dead giveaway? Why not just be happy for them? Just be happy for them, with their £2,000 strollers and babies in designer rompers while their 4x4's line the streets as they saunter happily and carelessly into a weeks worth of baby massage sensory learn time play time wean organic stretch fengshui baby classes?

    Part of me can't let it lie. There's this awful, cynical part to me I can't let go. It's the part of my personality that keeps me up an extra five minutes before I go to sleep turning idiotic things over in my mind. Just let it lie!!! It's got nothing to do with you! It doesn't affect you! Just don't go! Stop being such a kill joy! Hahaaaaa!

    When I was pregnant I went to a pregnancy swim exercise class ran by local midwives. There I made it my mission to mingle and chat and basically befriend all these to be Mums who were going to be in exactly the same situation as me in 9 months time and in the same area. I met a lot of lovely women and have since got to meet who was hiding behind all those bumps! The babies are as different as all the sizes of our bumps were.

    Now, call me a hypocrite (HA!) but with this new found group which again, ironically for hating all this stuff, I SET UP AND ARRANGED (why do I do it to myself?! Glutton for punishment) I go to a baby swim class in a beautiful hotel hosted in a spa pool every Thursday morning. It is one of those, okay, yes, trendy baby classes that I think are actually useful - so bubba gets to eventually become familiar in the water and learn what I think is a very valuable and important life skill - how to swim. I think I value it even more for my son because I am like a dead fish in the water and can only skip a few lengths. Not much of a swimmer at all and always regretted not learning and bunking off as a kid to miss the swimming lessons in that god damn freezing pool with a horrible, evil battle axe of a teacher called, yes, Mrs Lake (har har yes she was called Lake and she was a swimming instructor).

    I'm at this swimming class and all the other babies, again, maybe this is what aaaaaall mothers think about their baby, but I look at the other 10 babies and they all seem not as with it as my little boy. He is forever getting showered with compliments over how alert he is, how sociable he is, etc. All the other babies look stoned, gazing into the distance, kicking a little timidly while sucking a finger and there is my little blonde bomb shell and he is cooing and pulling faces and kicking all by himself in the water. He is much smaller and less fat than all the others as well, and was 2 weeks early, so maybe should even be a smidge behind developmentally but, anyway, the swim teacher who has seen babies come and go over many years always comments on his alert, hyper personality and she can't wait to grab hold of him because "he's just SO CUTE!" Cue beaming smug proud Mum moment!

    I'm in this group chat for the swim group and all these Mums are attending a trillion different classes. God knows how they attend all these classes, keep their houses, get the babies naps and feeds in and function themselves but there you go, their schedule is middle class Mama trendy baby heaven and they all seem happy with it. The cynic in me basically ends up dropping an opinion bomb shell in Mummy Group Chat about how if you teach your baby to sign, won't they be more likely to sign at you if that meets their needs? Won't it eliminate the frustration that drives a baby to absolutely need to talk or their needs can't be communicated? Or am I just being stupid here and really it's going to turn all these gazing, drooling lumps into little brain childs? Who knows. But what I do know is that after a gentle, little opinion, in the vibe of, hey girls, I know it does a baby no harm but do you really think there's anything in these classes or are most of them just jumping on a trend band wagon and taking us to the cleaners, I haven't been invited to hardly anything anymore and yup, I'm kinda not included in all their chats. Oh and plus, I couldn't give a fig my darling about the royal wedding as I'm a right little republican and I don't believe in star signs (Oh my GOD you're a Sagittarius?!? Do you travel?!) it pretty much means I'm out on a limb and now none of them relate to me.

    Is that really such a bad thing?

    What I find myself thinking again is, should I of kept my mouth shut? And also, why do I just not get on with women in general? And, why does everyone end up kind of hating me? Is it me?! Oh God! I should've kept my opinions to myself! And then I look at them all patting each other on their backs because their babies have slept 11 hours every night since they were 2 and a half months old and my little bubba is still waking up two to three times a night and then I think, is there something in all of this? They all bought about 12 baby books when they were pregnant and I was blasť and skeptical and never bought one or felt the urge to acquire a baby developmental personal library. Is this making me a bad Mum? I know deep down it doesn't, I know I'm doing my best even if sometimes it is a little kooky or a little authoritarian or a little strict but I love him more than life itself and despite all this inner knowledge I sometimes think, are they all floating around doing a much better job than me at this Motherhood thing because they are involved like that?

    The best eye opener for me as a new Mum was, I went out to meet one of my favourite new Mum friends and her little boy Isaac. She looked at my little baby, smiled and said, "We sometimes have pyjama days too" and gave a little hearty laugh. I looked at my beautiful son, beaming in his pram in a pale blue striped romper and a little cream cardigan over him. It came over me suddenly. I had made a baby faux pas. Those comfortable onesie button down outfits were... pjamas? Meant only for bed? And he was in one? Out in the day? With a CARDIGAN ON like it was a freakin regular outfit?! DID I CARE AFTER I REALISED THIS?! No! He is so comfortable in them that I mix and match them up constantly with little slipper shoes and cotton hats and he, in my opinion, looks comfortable and great. As a baby should. Comfortable. Their babies are tussled up in "day wear" - miniature skinny jeans, tiny button shirts with fake pockets that they squirm in and braces and proper dinky mock shoes when they can't even walk yet and I just look at them and think it's ridiculous. But, I am making a massive blunder apparently by doing this and all the Mums think it's really quite funny.

    I don't want to be anything like them. Maybe they can sense that and they take it that I think I'm better than them. Not at all! Not on your nelly! I just think I'm different to them. Our priorities and ideas about life don't match at all. We're off centre. Argh, I'm always off centre! All my life I've wondered and now I know, it's just come to me typing this now, I'm off centre. Perfect. I'm skew-whiff inside. That's why. They're all straight, straight and narrow, I'm wonky in some way inside, my puzzle piece doesn't fit any of theirs, it's the wrong shape. Ahhh. Solved.

    At least D gets me. Hopefully our little son will think I'm okay too. I just know he loves me, I love him so much, adore him, I could cry if I thought about it for too long, my love for him... but I do think when he looks up at me with his big blue eyes, I feel Dusty Springfield start up... "The look, of love, is in your eyes...!"

    I think I am ranting and going on like this because honestly, I am so exhausted. He doesn't sleep. Oh yeah, your babies so alert look! GREAT FOR HIM, NOT FOR ME! Yes, the down side is I need the energy and stamina of someone on speed at a 90s warehouse rave, I just don't have it anymore. Now that's why people say having children young is better in some ways. It's the energy. I swear, the whole thing would be a breeze if it weren't for the sleep deprivation. He's going through a growth spurt and nursing constantly through the night. Have you ever gone 2 weeks waking up every 3 hours? I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. The feeling of broken sleep makes you feel physically nauseous. I felt so sick for a week straight that I convinced myself I was pregnant again. No, just pure exhaustion and I think breast feeding, not drinking enough water.

    But, it will pass. I hope. And in the meantime, every Thursday I'll be with my little blondie in the pool while he's kicking and cooing while all the other Mums chat about their baby sensory class and how they can't stand the vast amount of sleep they're getting while I know all the time I am being looked down upon because I've let my baby cry for 10 minutes and not gone to him (because he was over tired and needed to get himself to sleep!)

    They think I am ensian in my ways. Victorian, seen and not heard. Erm, no, not at all, but I physically could not maintain running to him at every first whimper because it doesn't settle him! And he refuses to sleep! And they don't believe me! Because all their babies just drift off like angels no matter where they are. D says it's because they're all not running whatever software our bubba has, he always thinks they look vacant and slow, but I don't think it's anything like that... it makes me doubt my decisions now and then and I do feel mean really, poking fun at the classes, they're good Mummy social things I guess but, argh, tired.

    He cried so much tonight I tried everything to console him but in the end he was changed and fed and I tucked him in, kissed his straining, hot forehead in his over tired frenzy and endured 25 minutes of screaming which sounds not that long but, if you could hear a baby going at it like that right now, you'd do anything to not have to stand even a minute of it. It breaks my heart but deep down I know it's the only thing that seems to work for him. My fault for keeping him up too long, I forgot the time, and when I realised this the guilt that washed over me! I peeked in the nursery and he's peacefully sound asleep now, as if it never happened. Tinker! I rang D and he told me I needed to stop beating myself up, things like this happen, you can't be perfect, but I keep expecting myself to be perfect and that extends to Motherhood as well.

    Oh the curse of perfectionism.

    Surely there must be a Greek myth about that or something? Never become a perfectionist. You will never match up to your own standards.

    Please little bubba stay asleep for your Mama because she is so very, very tired and talking about baby yoga and wearing your pyjama suit during the day won't do.

    Lo x
    Last edited by mylolita; 05-18-2018 at 04:43 PM.

  3. #333
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    When I was about 6, I remember hearing my Dad talk about "Jehovah Witnesses".

    I was sat in the front garden with my sister, it was a beautiful sunny day, and he was talking to a neighbour saying he told them never to knock again and that he had an argument with them when he got into a debate with a pair that came to the door. I distinctly remember him saying "So I told them, if my daughter was going to die unless she got a blood transfusion I should say no? Never!" I will always remember him saying that, he seemed appalled by it. And from then onwards, for years and years, the odd time I would hear about a Jehovah Witness I would think blood transfusions and relate them to some weird, smartly dressed creepy religious vampires or something, never knowing exactly who they were or what they stood for until I reached my late teens.

    This memory was brought back by crossing paths with the two local Jehovah Witnesses yesterday.

    They are always around, I've seen them a good few times since moving here and I go far and wide. They travel in a pair and cut an odd couple. Both young, both boys, they only look between 17 - 19. Always dressed in suits, always holding a binder and a book, I presume The Bible. One is handsome, dark dark black skin with full lips, a round smooth face and a soft smile. Black, short cropped hair, almost shaved. The other is skinny, pale, high cheek boned and blonde. Both always smile at me, ask me how I am and walk past slowly.

    The thing that gets me is, they fix their gaze and never let it go until you're well away and past. I can't tell you how unnerving but captivating it is. It's bizarre. Maybe this cult like branch of Christianity still holds some kind of dark mystery to me brought on by my Fathers attitude towards them, I don't know, but I couldn't help thinking about them for the rest of the day. It's the black guy though. He stares at me with, I don't know if I'm mistaking this, but it feels like some kind of desire and intrigue and his eyes never blink or shift, just focus intently on me with such conviction. Last time I saw him he was looking back at me as he walked away, and I guess I was looking back at him because I was so... I don't know, weirded out maybe, by such an intense look.

    Nothing but trouble maybe. I really don't know. I have no desire at all to get into any kind of religion, I couldn't force myself to believe even if I want too, but that look. It made me think. There is something so attractive, so magnetic, so charismatic about conviction. When someone has such strong principles, even if you disagree, and whole heartedly will not be budged, I don't know, maybe a bit like Tom Cruise talking about Scientology. Barmy, I know, but when he speaks with such conviction, you can't help but give him a listen.

    Lo x

  4. #334
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    I'm actually always a bit repelled by conviction. Although I have entertained Mormons a time or two. They were in my neighborhood about 20 years ago. I was bored and let them in and listened to them. I was raising a baby crow at the time, and he pooped on one of them. lol.

    When they came back a third time, my stepfather told them to beat it. I was slightly disappointed, but since I had no intention of ever becoming a Mormon or anything else, it really didn't matter.

    If they came by now, I wouldn't let them in.

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  6. #335
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    When they came back a third time, my stepfather told them to beat it. I was slightly disappointed, but since I had no intention of ever becoming a Mormon or anything else, it really didn't matter.

    If they came by now, I wouldn't let them in.
    To each his own.
    I think religion is a personal preference and should be personal. In other words, don't try to sell your conviction to another.
    I get that's the culture for some of them. Their reward is to bring others on board. But it's imposing your belief on someone else that bothers me. If anyone wants to discuss religion or politics with me, I glaze over.

  7. #336
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    Big Hugs Lolly. I know exactly where you are coming from with your thoughts on the Mumsie Cult. It was weird, and I used to feel guilty because even though I lived my beautiful son so much, I didn't feel. Happy in tha world of young mothers. I hated that competitiveness, and I think that apart from having a baby, I am practically nothing in common with them. No spontaneous rapport.

  8. #337
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    I think I am an eccentric.

    No, wait; I know I am an eccentric.

    Okay, I don't walk around wearing a wig and walking with a cane and I don't keep pet eels or walk around the streets wearing slippers but, I don't know, I was chatting to a friend over messages and something came up that made me click and realise why I feel like such an oddball. I'm off beat. My whole life is off beat, my whole thinking is maybe off beat and I'm just kinda, an off beat kinda gal.

    Is it vanity? Doesn't everyone like to think they're different? Not the same? That surely can't be the case. I look around and see swarms of people trying to do exactly what everyone else is doing and wanting desperately to think exactly what everyone else is thinking. I couldn't think of anything worse!

    From this crazy old house we live in, to it's weird, undesirable and unfashionable location, to my husbands job, to my many, many jobs (each changing each year, to exotic dancing to reception work in a legal office to dabbling selling houses to waiting tables to cocktail shaking to dress hanging and cleaning and everything in-between), to obsessions with certain people and certain things, to needing things to be done in a certain way, to being kind of strangely socially awkward but at the same time pretty good and charming in social situations (people seem to want to be my friend, maybe curious, then they ditch me after getting to know me).

    I eat weird combinations of foods at no set times, I go to bed extremely late for having to be up during the night and so early with my baby son. I garden other peoples gardens. Shamelessly. I play songs in the car on repeat, one time when I was working at the office I was so obsessed with a song I played it all week every day morning lunch break and journey home. It could've been played 100 times. I'm not sure. Quaint and traditional in many ways, extremely conservative in most politics, extremely liberal in most life style choices, atheist, obsessed with reading, but reading erotica or horror. I have a mischievous sense of humour. People sometimes don't get if I'm joking or not. People sometimes don't know how to take me.

    Maybe that's everyone? Maybe I'm just English. We're known to be prone to a few eccentricities now and then... well, the wealthy British anyway. They an afford to be eccentric. It's acceptable then.

    I seem to revel in other peoples disappointment of me, I just can't STAND doing the "proper" thing. The fact I had a tiny 4 door car for so long with a baby, so many tuts, so many "get your act together", so many "get organised" - I secretly delighted in their disapproval, made me enjoy the impracticality even more. Is that weird? Or is it a slight nature of rebellion I have? I get wrapped up in the impractical and just love it! Too many stone steps up to our house, so bad for a pram - perfect! Sold. The house is too big, you'll never clean it, not practical - PERFECT! Tell me more! Ha ha!

    Maybe this has all been put in my subconscious by a conversation I had with D on the phone while he was away.

    I was complaining about all the new friends and the old friends I still have and how I still don't feel like I get on with any of them and that any of them understand me at all. He simply said, "You need an eccentric."

    I said, "What do you mean?" He said,
    "You'd get on with an eccentric. Someone who does their own thing, just like you. You need someone who doesn't care what everyone else is doing."

    It got me thinking. Maybe I'm eccentric as well? Maybe I need someone like... me? A little bit? Not too similar. I don't want a twin. Although, I love my own company. HA!

    And it also got me thinking. Parenting. No one gives you the run down. You feel like saying, "Hey, shouldn't I have to pass a test or something?!?!" But no, you get left to it and the base line truly is about survival. Keeping this gorgeous, magical, delicate little baby alive. And then happy. Content, best of all. You love this baby more than anything else in the whole world. But then society says, they need structure. Routine. And, maybe as a bit of an eccentric well... routine is like, what is routine?!? You mean you can't stay up with the baby till 2am then just pop it down after eating a bit of spicy cheese and a hot chocolate and then kind of dance around with it at 11am to Roxy Music and lay down together while talking about if you should light the fire or not in summer because you like the look of a fire lit during the day?! I know and we all know routine and structure is best for children. I want that for my son.

    But starting him on solid foods has been a strain. And it's not because, I have to feed him as well as milk. No. It's because, really, deep down, I'm not just weaning him, I'm weaning me. I'm having to have breakfast at a set time. I'm having to watch the clock, for him, for his sake. I'm having to ensure I have healthy, reasonable food in. I can't just fly by the seat of my pants, have doughnuts for tea and then skip breakfast or live off iced coffee and fruit gums. It won't do.

    Part of me welcomes the change, part of me is dying, dying inside because it just isn't me, and I feel like having to know how long he's had a nap for and when he went down and oooo it's nearly bedtime I must start his bath and then he must be asleep at this set time is really killing me. The imposed structure of it all is so alien. It's hit me like a tonne of bricks.

    It's not that structured, I understand I don't have to be so rigid, it really isn't, but I have to aim for something similar or it goes to pot so quickly the poor thing will probably feel like he's living in a real life circus. The circus that is my life. Or, should have BEEN my life until I had my sweet bambino. But it's threatening to emerge all the time, to disrupt my attempts at normality, a routine, a proper babies life. A sensible thing. Good structure. It's essential, I am told. I know this really.

    Rambling, get to bed Mammy. This is another thing. No sleep, but half self imposed. Should've gone to be ages ago when he did, instead I stay up, chatting and thinking maybe I am eccentric?

    An eccentric mother trying to be normal. Oh darling, I'm sorry your Mammy is a bit kooky. I hope you love me anyway. I really, really, really love you.

    Lo x

  9. #338
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    Your PERFECTLY IMPERFECT LOLLY Xxx

  10. #339
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Silverbirch
    Your PERFECTLY IMPERFECT LOLLY Xxx
    Ohhhh Silverbirch!!

    You are so sweet! I always feel like you are quietly cheering me on no matter what I seem to do or how stupid I can be on here; for that I thank you, you're a saint!

    I hope you're well?

    Lo x

  11. #340
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    What is it about religious people and me? Do they want rejection?!

    Walking in town with my boy sat perkily in his pram and you know, I just know it, there's this youngish man, probably 30, black, energetic, handsome looking, great big white grin on his face but it's plastered on, very forced, fake! And he's singing out something to people hurrying by and pushing leaflets at them and you just know he's preaching and yes, he's preaching about religion, it definitely isn't the newest fabric softener, not for this one.

    I walk by, try not to make eye contact but I can't help it, it's morbid curiosity!

    "MA'AM, YA KNOW YA CAN BE SAVED!"

    "Sorry, no thanks!"

    "YA DON'T WANT TO BE SAVED?!!"

    "No sorry!"

    Ooops! Which gets me thinking.

    I've settled into this routine with my little B (thats what I'm calling my baby boy, he really is my little B), and it consists of a walk around a local wild park right near my house. I walk through a certain residential area which is a very nice part of the suburbs. I guess it makes me feel safe and everything's very pleasant and I just feel like it's a nice little pre-curser until we get to the main show which is this old, overgrown but kind of strangely still formal "wild park". By time we get there, come rain or shine, he's always asleep. The sound of the wind through the canopy of leaves from these huge, ancient trees seems to set him off.

    With one headphone in my ear I listen endlessly in a kind of daydream walk to peoples opinions and talks and comedies and anything I feel like on YouTube. Lately I've been getting into this interviewer, Joe Rogan - love his style of interview. It's like you've been able to drop your ear in on two really good friends who are totally comfortable with each other just kicking back and talking about the big things and the small things and it doesn't feel like your usual stiff, banal interview at all.

    I immediately search Gavin McInnes who, as a bit of a conservative but libertarian Trump loving with a good sense of humour about it kinda gal I really like his style of delivery and also happen to agree with most of the things he talks about, especially regarding feminism and millennial culture etc so, I'm dying to see if Joe Rogan has interviewed this guy and to my delight he has.

    Gavin says something quite soon on, I think Joe Rogan brings it up, that on Gavins profile, be in LinkedIn or Facebook or Twitter or whatever, wherever, he just simply states his general stance on most things. I think the example goes something like: Pro-West, Anti-Islam, Anti-Feminist, Pro-Life, yada yada and he just states his general stance and belief I guess, in this quick summary.

    You could say its petty, or simplifying, or disagree or you know, I don't agree with all that he stands for, for example I'm not as against abortion as he is, I do agree there is a time and a place for it but I wish it wasn't practiced so freely and lightly and definitely it should never, ever be used as a form of planned contraception but, to have it made unavailable? No I disagree. But the sentiment behind his summary, that is what appealed to me. And he goes on to defend this way of summarisation by saying he thinks we are living in a time of great philosophy, where everyone is philosophising all the time, and there are so many split sides now and it's just like, you need to get it out there where you stand amongst all of this because everyone seems to be in different camps. It struck home to me and I agreed with him.

    Sometimes I feel like I need this badge on me with that kind of summarisation. At least it would mean that people who think they like me would be able to make a quick, informed judgement and glance at this thing and then be like, "Ah, okay, she's for that? She's with THAT crowd? I'll leave that coffee invite THANKS lets move on" and it might save me months of socialising for us to get into one deep discussion where we share, hold it, an OPINION! GASP! And then everyone falls out with me because they thought I was just like them but I'm not.

    I would love to hear everyones "summarises" ha! Very telling I think but, just a quick throw down of a few that spring to mine, I think mine would read something like:

    Pro-Women With Kids Staying At Home, Anti-Feminist, Anti-Islam, Pro-Free Speech, Pro-Not Taking Yourself Too Seriously, Anti-Religion, Pro-Trump, Pro-Brexit, Anti-Labour Party, Anti-Middle Class Life Is The Best Mentality, Pro-Strong Opinions, Pro-Luxury Interior Design! Anti-Fake Humble Brag, Pro-Offence, Pro-Help Yourself, Anti-Benefits, Anti-Homeless People Begging, Pro-Tommy Robinson, Anti-Endless Immigration, Pro-Nigel Farage, Anti-Legalise Drugs, Pro-Euthanisa, Anti-Assign Your Own Gender, Pro-Marriage, Pro-Gay Rights.

    Maybe that makes me sound like an awful person! Just a few out there. Maybe it builds a picture, maybe it doesn't! Thought it was an interesting exercise.

    I wonder what life would be like if we were all so much more transparent and just put it out there a bit more? It's a social taboo and very un-charming isn't it, to just blurt it out, but often in life I dance around in pleasant, trivial conversation with so many people I meet and I find after months of this they know nothing of substance about me and I know nothing of substance about them. I ask so many questions but I get such flat answers, and no one asks anything of me.

    Lo x


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