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Thread: Diary Of A Redhead

  1. #11
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    Mass panic.

    I leave today to go to London. It's the last time I'll be at home as an engaged lady! I can't come back for anything - I'm trying to pack all glassware and make lists to tick off like a mad women.

    Organisation is not something I do.

    I probably won't be able to write here for a few days now with all the planning. I have to live with our friend who is hosting the wedding - help dress the garden, help set up the marquee, organise and pay for the food and flowers when I'm down there, pick up the cake, etc. I'll have plenty of time on a night though, I might need this diary as a sanctuary for my sanity.

    I don't really deal well with spending a long amount of time with people other than D, even close friends like K, who is very, very kindly letting us use her beautiful garden for our wedding.

    I'm leaving a lot to D as he'll be coming back home to tie up a few loose ends a few days before the wedding. He has to pick up his ring, buy a suit, pay for the furniture hire... I'm stressing just at the thought.

    Not enough sleep, bad headache. Worry worry worry.

    Once I'm travelling there I guess thats it, I should just relax. Fingers crossed. I don't even care if it rains, I just want everything sorted and finalised. Wishing I was rich enough to pay minions to do all this for me. I could sit on my throne in a silk gown with a cosmo while everyone else panics for me. Dream on!

    Friday night was a 12 hour day. Went to work, didn't break the news of my mega mistake, everyone was too busy, too full of congratulations for me. 3 weeks, it can wait. It's still on my mind, but I feel like I have my own fish to fry.

    I clean some of the apartments and houses we have on our books for extra money, yes, I'm that desperate sometimes. Went and did 8 hours in that office in gorgeous, hot weather to leave the office late in a rush, say ciao and then throw on some rags, pile my cleaning stuff into D's van and go spend 4 hours scrubbing other peoples muck. This one wasn't bad at all, a weird kind of blessing. Relief washed over me when I walked in the door. I never know how bad they're going to be, oh god, the stories I could tell you! Disgusting! Bork.

    So a headless chicken is probably the best description for me this past week. I need to channel my inner cucumber. Be cool.

    Not that this is important at all, but my selfish bridezilla needs are bubbling to the surface and I really feel I want, yes, need, eyelash extensions. These magical beauties are semi-perminant until your eyelashes grow and they naturally drop out, but honestly they look fantastic. I know somewhere on the high street that does them. Can I even dare go there when there's a massive flap around me?

    I'm gonna ask D about it. He's been a bit of a groomzilla if you ask me, I deserve these lashes. (Justification).

    So much to do, I can't just sit here hiding in the bathroom. Oh sweet, sweet bathroom. One day I will write a lament just for you, my precious darling!

    Feeling crazy. Anything goes!

    Happiness, in a weird kind of stressed out way. Happiness is there. Okay, bring it on. Where are my gardening gloves? But first, lashes!

    Lo x

  2. #12
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    Haven't updated in what feels like ages.

    I feel like I've let my personal goal down and I've really missed going through the therapeutic motions of writing up. But! I have the best excuse ever in that I was getting married and on my honeymoon! I hope that qualifies as a good get out clause!

    Currently back in the peaceful isolation of my bathroom - god, I've missed you! I haven't been here in almost three weeks.

    The lead up to the wedding was insane. Note to brides to be; trying to do everything yourself is a serious up hill climb which leaves you with half an hour to get ready as guests arrive whilst hurriedly throwing back a glass of champagne, tanning your bridesmaid and smudging red nail varnish on your dress = ARGH!

    Don't get me wrong, the day went absolutely beautifully. I have to say, after all the stress and build up and family drama, just walking down the aisle with the cello playing, the wind picking up slightly and seeing D waiting patiently at the end made my heart leap. Both our eyes glazed at the vows but we didn't let any tears roll.

    A very relaxed garden wedding full of everyone we loved and cared for. We honestly couldn't of done it without the help of friends, new and old. I was touched by the amount of help I got to the run up - gardening all day from neighbours, R & P, the most sweetest and lovely older couple you could ever meet! Adorable! Paul next door with his self made fortune still with a cockney accent who surprised us with the most gorgeous fireworks at the end of the night. Wow. I felt so truly lucky and spoilt by it all. C for letting us use her now beautiful (but originally in much need of attention), garden, pool and patio. Sassy K, the author and full time bubbly lady who can always be counted on to turn up in the most glamorous, electric neon dress, for her home made white and milk chocolate dipped strawberries. C's eldest daughter H, for her lovely nature and organisation of the food, her son, J, for his gourmet BBQ skills, and his exotic girlfriend J, who was just plain friendly and sweet. All of them, I miss them and I adore them!

    Nail varnish smudge was fixed by one of my bridesmaids who is a seamstress with a bit of crazy sewing 15 minutes before I was due to go down the aisle. I felt I was beaming from inside out, even after the panic. So nervous about the whole day going well and being the centre of attention for a little while that I got 2 hours of sleep the night before due to anxiety. In the end it was all worth it. The money, the time, the worry, the effort, the planning; truly I felt it was a day me and D will never forget. I hope all our guests saying the same wasn't just out of politeness, but we know them well enough to feel it was completely genuine.

    The food (all done by friends!), was a kind of 'posh' bbq. Venison burgers, garlic and herb chicken kebabs or a mexican bean vegan burger, all delivered to beautifully set out tables of dreamy garden hessian, white cloth and tiny glass jar vases with peach berries and white roses. All the sides on each table were hand made by friends, fresh green leaf salads, couscous, sauces in tiny white pots, delicious boiled baby potatoes in oil - oh my god! I loved it! And then the desserts me and D had selected, a mixture of berry fruit tarts, chocolate mini cheesecakes, squares of tiramisu and then a hand full of dipped chocolate strawberries!

    It was like a dream! I wish I hadn't been so nervous, I could barely eat anything. I felt so lucky! It was all worth it! And I looked around at everyones happy faces, all mingling, drinking, chatting - just casual and relaxed. Lots of summer reggae music in the background, ahh! And the rain stopped!

    I do have a gripe.

    Well, me and D were both very unhappy with our sisters on the day. I'll explain later, it's a long story, but that was the only negative thing about the whole day. A bit of a 'true colours' moment, maybe?

    Travelling to our honeymoon I just burst into tears of happiness and couldn't stop crying for about two hours! When you really want to have sex with someone this probably isn't the best, ha! D completely understood and held me for the whole time, saying how great everything was and how happy he was. I was overwhelmed with happiness!

    The hotel was absolutely delectable! Such a romantic, luxurious place to spend your wedding night.

    I got to try out my super high heeled white fluffy shoes, mwahah! Plus give my bridal lingerie a spin. I'll never forget everything and everyones kindness, simply overwhelmed would be the sum of my emotions for a week later. I could hardly get my words out to thank everyone enough, it sounds soppy, it is soppy, but honestly thats how I felt.

    I'm now a married woman, and even though it hasn't sunk it completely yet, I know I do feel different. Some way, I feel more grown up. It all feels great, like the beginning of a whole new chapter of my life. I have to make this count, I MUST make this count. I cannot waste anymore time, months, years - dwelling on the same old s**t, replaying all the things I've done wrong in my mind. I must accept things.

    One of the new friends we made, P (she is adorable and sweet in every way), put up a quote on facebook. I normally pay no attention to these and honestly think people who constantly post them are dull idiots who just copy and paste any old sentence, but this really stuck in my mind, I can't seem to shake it, maybe because it's relevant to me, but it goes something like this:

    “If you are depressed you are living in the past.
    If you are anxious you are living in the future.
    If you are at peace you are living in the present.”


    ― Lao Tzu

    I'm currently in the number 2 party of the anxiety ridden. This just makes sense. I need a mental slap. Everything's going right, so why worry about what might or could happen before it even does?

    Sometimes I'm plagued by this horrific thought, because I love D so much, and because he is 9 years older than me, that he will die before me and I will be left for years, old and alone and wanting to die myself but not having the courage to do it. Selfishly, I would rather die before him to not have to deal with the pain of loosing him. This feeling is overwhelming and creeps into day to day activities. A living mental hell because I know realistically it could happen. I need to shake this. Lao Tzu, you are right!!!

    So, to end this long, rattling post - I'm married! A Mrs!

    Coming away from new and old friends, helping everyone and everyone helping me in return, I feel like I've opened up socially. I was always so closed, so suspicious of people. In short terms, I take a long time to get to know. But coming back to these old cobbled streets I often take so much for granted, after being in London and wishing life could be more cosmopolitan and go like there, my envy subsided as I felt strangely peaceful to be back home. A place that was started to feel alien after being away for so long.

    And then the people - N in the flower shop, the loveliest girl, I always casually chatted to her, but it was so nice just to go in buy some flowers and then talk non-stop for an hour like friends while she told me about her wedding (she got married last month), and we laughed and made jokes about all the things that had gone wrong and right, swapped pictures... ahh, it was lovely. I would normally have been guarded or thought she was just being polite, but I think she genuinely likes me. I know I like her. And I left, content and back home, with her shouting 'Good bye Mrs ****!' and me, 'Good bye Mrs ****!'

    New names, new start, new me?

    Lo x
    Last edited by mylolita; 08-14-2014 at 09:07 AM.

  3. #13
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    It's just gone midnight and me and D have had a whole day doing what we would call 'monging out'.

    I feel it was a well deserved slob out. Eating chocolate, crisps, watching trashy documentaries on Scientology weirdos and Hollywood plastic surgery gone wrong, all that self indulgent, mindless c**p that I normally feel guilty about watching.

    The best part is looking at our fireplace to see it overflowing with lovely wedding cards, big and small, and lots of personalised gifts carefully placed underneath and around our coffee table! So spoilt by amazing friends and family.

    Oh and my mini sets of hotel toiletries from the honeymoon look quite the part in a glass bowl in the bathroom!

    Wanting to go to sleep but can't.

    All I can think of is how much we're a proper family now, a unit. Me and D can't wait to buy a house and start having children. Exciting times! I need to start saving. From a shopaholic and obsessive spender the idea is making me choke!

    Tossing and turning,

    Lo x
    Last edited by mylolita; 08-14-2014 at 08:18 PM.

  4. #14
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    Woke up this morning just feeling... low. Tired and a bit low.

    I know it's gonna be a long day. In fact it's dragging on and on. I should be enjoying the last 5 days of my honeymoon at home, instead I'm wallowing in family drama and health anxieties.

    Family drama - okay.

    So if anyone ever reads this or has ever seen any of my recent posts, me and D both decided to have a very, very intimate, small wedding with only the people we absolutely love and care for, are close too, etc. This meant excluding some estranged family, perverted uncles who are basically like strangers, and, drum roll, my sisters new boyfriend.

    Rewind two years. This guy was in and out of her life, we never saw him. He was just a bit of fun and she went out with a few guys seriously in between. She would never bring him round to my parents or to our apartment. No introductions once they declared they were in a relationship a year ago and she was very evasive about it all.

    Suddenly in the last few months he's been practically living at my parents.

    They have a very small terrace house which isn't ideal for this set up in my opinion. He hasn't worked for 5 years, he is extremely elusive about what he actually does, says his dad left him the small house he lives in and generally comes accross very suspicious. Not only that, but he's constantly mooching off my mum and dad. Drink, food, lodge. It's like they're all best buddies now and I'd been with my now husband at this time for 6 years (for 5 and a half of them living together) and my mum and dad wouldn't even accept him!

    So now he's like the golden boy, even though he's 23, no job, can't drive, no ambition or prospects and is constantly shifty about money and where he gets it from. My sister avoids this question. I don't know if she is hiding something from us as well, she's highly sneaky so this wouldn't surprise me.

    Anyway, you get the picture. Me and D met this guy a few times, a few hello's and some small talk. I worked with him very briefly 4 years ago when I was in a medical reception job. We spoke a few times but I wouldn't class him as someone I know. This does not qualify him to come to our wedding, even if she's now been going with him for a year solid. It was the guest list we wanted and even if she disagreed, we wanted her to respect our wishes or just not come.

    Apparently he was dramatically hurt by not getting an invite even though he barely knows us. My sister claimed it was the event of his year for him, etc. Strange. Then she tries to emotionally blackmail me with tears in front of my mum and dad. Two stupid, childish out bursts that I found embarrassing and that made me stick to my guns even more. Emotionally stomping your feet at 22 is not attractive. She desperately suggested we all take a holiday before the wedding to get to know each other?! Then she tried to arrange nights out even though we were too busy and had no interest in her games.

    She threw her dummy out big style, but after a chat with her I told her to keep it to herself or not come. It's one day, couldn't she respect my wishes? Can't she survive without him for one day? Lots of other people at the wedding were in the same position as we only knew them and not their partners, so why should she get any special treatment?

    Agree or disagree with me, suddenly to my mum and dad, as always, I'm the big bad older sister. Poor F, what have I done to her. I was the bad guy.

    So the night before the wedding, I get my bridesmaids, one my sister F, to come and have a chilled out glass of wine at a local bar over looking the river thames for an hour or so. They don't have to come. All my bridesmaids including my sister had been put up in the same local hotel (a very nice hotel can I add), that me and D paid for. We paid for one night for everyone. There was a mix up with the hotel and the hotel thought my sisters room hadn't been paid for, therefore asked for the money.

    All my bridesmaids said she was nasty about it and told them how it was 'such a nice surprise' to have to pay for her room and continued to b**ch and moan the whole night until I arrived. Not only did she not come to me about the hotel room so that I could sort it out, later on I found my dad paid for it anyway! It wasn't even her money!

    Before I arrived, she also complained to all my bridesmaids about how I hadn't let her bring her boyfriend and how she was having to meet up with him after the wedding because he wasn't allowed to come. Sob stories all around, lots of complaints about how horrible I am.

    Then when I turn up, she's all smiles but in this weird sarcastic way. Then she's rolling her eyes and pulling faces when some of my friends speak. Then she's telling totally crude stories loudly in a really nice bar, we kind of ignore her and then she pulls another face like 'whatever, you're all nothing to me anyway'. Just bad vibes in general. Fake hugs, I hated it! I just wanted to call her out! But I didn't want any drama the night before the wedding, so I kept my cool and went back to go to bed.

    So the big day comes. And all she does all day is pull sarcastic faces. She has a bad attitude all day, it really grinder on me. I know she was unhappy but couldn't she at least fake a smile? Or say I nice word to me? No you look lovely or what a nice day or the food was good - nothing.

    She did say before that she might not stay late into the evening party which was fine by me, but we all are sat down after eating, the speeches were about to start and she just left without saying goodbye to anyone or my husband.

    So my dad had to do a speech, some of which is about my sister, and made excuses that she had to see her boyfriend and thats why she's not here. I was embarrassed for her. It looked really bad. And then my dad made this phoney speech about how we were so close which couldn't be further from the truth.

    Fast forward a week after the wedding. This girl posts everything, I mean everything, on facebook. Not one mention of her sister getting married, just trivial things like weekend parties or a new dress. Then she posts 'Just wanted to say thank you for V (her boyfriend) and his family for making my weekend special'. No mention about the wedding, nothing. This was obviously a dig at me.

    Then on facebook there turns up 6 photo's which are apparently her 'favourite' from the wedding. All of her. One includes her just on her phone pulling a stupid, sarcastic face. Two others of her pulling stupid faces with my flower girl. Two of me (her in it, pulling more mocking faces at my side) whilst I pick up my train looking blank faced. The other one was of me in mid speech looking ridiculous whilst she pulls another face. Out of everything she could of picked, I was shocked.

    I texted her about the hotel to say that the money was getting refunded. She never mentioned Dad paid for it even though by this point I knew the truth. All she could say was 'Glad to hear it, I was fuming me t**ts off' - that was it. No thank you. She never said thank you for the fact we paid for the hotel as a good will gesture.

    It's as if everything's owed to that stupid girl!!!!!!!

    I'm just so angry at her and so let down by how she behaved. During the wedding rehearsal, she couldn't wait for it to be over, complained and moaned the whole time, rolled her eyes, said this and that was ridiculous. I felt is was so unfair when she's supposed to be supporting me, and just only after she'd send me ridiculous, fake texts saying 'I just want your day to be so special and I'm not going to leave until it is'. What a farse!

    Anyway, rant over, who can be bothered to hear it!

    But having come home and thought about things, I'm really not cool with it. Okay, she didn't agree with my decision, but I don't ask anything ever of her, and this one special day I thought she could just agree to disagree and support me regardless.

    After all the other s**t thats gone down before over the years, I feel disgusted at myself but the feeling I have for her is only hate.

    Maybe I should be feeling like a bad person right now for admitting that, but my mood is sour and I can't stand to even face her at the moment because I know it will only end in an argument.

    Damn, why do my family and drama go hand in hand?

    Tired of it.

    Lo x
    Last edited by mylolita; 08-15-2014 at 09:34 AM.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member sophie274's Avatar
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    Congratulations on getting married! I'm sorry your sister didn't behave well, but at least you still had a lovely day. It sounds like everything was gorgeous. Where did you go on your honeymoon? Enjoy the rest of your time off before going back to work.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member faraday's Avatar
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    Just read the first few posts....and you have a very captivating writing style. I'll back back to read more. Nice job on the journal...Maybe go back to school for writing?

  8. #17
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sophie274
    Congratulations on getting married! I'm sorry your sister didn't behave well, but at least you still had a lovely day. It sounds like everything was gorgeous. Where did you go on your honeymoon? Enjoy the rest of your time off before going back to work.
    Thank you sophie! The day was better than I could of hoped for!

    x

  9. #18
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by faraday
    Just read the first few posts....and you have a very captivating writing style. I'll back back to read more. Nice job on the journal...Maybe go back to school for writing?
    Hi faraday,

    Thats so sweet! I am a total rambler on here! I read a few other journals now and then and much prefer their style of doing things, but thats really nice of you to say. I love reading everyones advice and because I'm naturally nosy (ha!) I love the journals too.

    Cheers from England! x

  10. #19
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    Friday night, thought I'd open a left over bottle of Bollinger from the wedding because Sar and C, two of our closest friends who also happen to be an engaged couple, were coming round.

    Our fridge freezer isn't working because our electric (which is on this stupid meter that was already installed in the apartment), is a pre-pay contraption and we didn't top it up before the honeymoon. So we come back to a totally stinking gross fridge full of furry food.

    So our fridge doors are open and flapping about as we air the thing out. C nips out to the shop to get us some ice and we pour a few bags into a huge bucket and have some yummy alcoholic treats chilling in the living room. Candles on and music low. Friday night is a good night for left over party alcohol, and I had to admit, this girl loves champagne!!! Sorry Sinatra, I do get a kick.

    I only have one glass and the conversation turns to the wedding. This is something I don't want to talk about all night because no one wants a gushing new bride high jacking the conversation and boring everyone to death, especially over some Bollinger, so Sar, who was one of my bridesmaids, asks me about my sister.

    I'd been in such a bad mood about it all day. Not angry anymore, just upset. D could tell and had tried to calm me down with a little chat and then the not so subtle "pull yourself together because you're doing my head in" so, I'd tried to be cool, but trying to be cool in it's self when you're not is just another frustration. The cycle continues in my head for two days, I'm on edge about the whole thing. I'm dreading seeing her again, I'm dreading the confrontation - dread dread dread. Maybe all the dread drove me to the bubbly, who knows, but it wasn't a good vibe at all.

    So I think Sar and C can tell I'm a little beat up about the situation and the night goes on.

    1 am rolls round and I've only had a glass and a half all night. Really not feeling myself and secretly wanting to hide under my covers and drift off to sleep thinking about tasteful, cosy home interiors. It beats counting sheep.

    There's a silence and D just says "Whats wrong! Is it your sister? You've been in a mood all night!" and then he tells me I need to let it go, yadda yadda, all of which is true, but by this point I'm really unhappy about the whole thing plus tired as hell, and I just feel hot tears ling behind my eyes. Everyone goes blurry, empty glass included, and I say sorry and rush upstairs.

    Awful and embarrassing.

    Me and D end up talking in bed till the early hours of the morning before we settle on being positive and not constantly expecting the worst. I drift off into dreamless sleep and expect to wake up better. I wake up feeling fragile and upset about the whole situation still.

    Next morning me and D and me decide to drive out to get a sandwich. I tidy the lounge and wash up while he gets his jacket. We head to this obsolete little sandwich bar that looks closed down but really does the best baguettes. As D walks out of the car and leaves me alone, I wallow a bit and decide to turn on the radio. It's mid way through Bob Marley's 'Don't Worry About A Thing'. Well this is like a mini sign to me. I'm not religious at all, but hearing it brings out a lump in my throat. I turn off the radio and get myself together before D comes back.

    Don't worry about a thing, cos every little thing, is gonna be alright.

    Starting to feel a little better.

    Lo x

  11. #20
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    Today feels like the last day of summer.

    The suns started streaming through my bathroom blind. I can see the shadow of the wooden frame, the squares of the glass distorted, washing the whole bathroom in a lovely crisp, white glow.

    The drop in temperature is strange. From being in Cornwall and St Ives all last week, in beautiful coves, golden sand beaches and hot weather this change is really obvious. I'm even wearing a thin jumper today. Sunny but cool, I like that actually, thats not a problem.

    The thing thats perking me up today is the thought of Christmas! I know I know, oh my god, how can you think of Christmas, it's only August, but this lovely cool breeze and the odd rolling grey cloud makes me feel content.

    There's something about Autum I really love. Maybe it's the change from summer clothes to jumpers, tights, scarves, etc. I love winter fashion. But the golden leaves everywhere, and the way snow hides every towns sins making everywhere look beautiful - ahh! And the excitement of Christmas! I love the music, the tree... lovely. I can't wait to throw another Christmas party at the apartment. Last year we had two friends singing famous Christmas hits, one on the guitar, it was lovely. All the girls in red or velvet dresses, the guys wearing ties! Mulled wine in the coffee filter machine (yes, it broke after). There's something kind of 'together' about Christmas, I can't put my finger on it, but the thought of it makes me chipper!

    Anyway, back to earth. It's mid August, it's Sunday and I'm back to work in three days time if I count this one.

    D has just called out from the bedroom that I've been in the bath for an hour and a half. This is true. D, I'm guilty! But how can you blame a girl for holing herself up in her sanctuary?! Honestly, I could write an ode to this bathroom. My tiled salvation! I get to hang out with Molton Brown, Baylis & Harding, H20 and only the most resilient cactus ever.

    On the agenda today is helping Sar and C move all their boxes out of their flat.

    They live a few doors down from us on the high street but are moving out in a few days time. I said I'd clean the place for them as Sar helped out a lot on the day of my wedding (last minute sewing and perfume spraying). I'm really gonna miss them being so handy. It's strange but there is no such thing as neighbours on a high street. Everyone seems to just live in there units above shops or in between shops, down side streets, in nucks and crannies, and no one ever sees each other! People come and go, move in and out, and there isn't any community here for the people who live in the heart of it all. It's kind of bleak for your social needs, especially if like me, most of your friends have moved away.

    Thought of the day - moving away.

    I discussed this yesterday with D. He's 50/50 but he's open to it. I love the idea of a city, but still a leafy city. People there tend to be more open minded with their fingers on the current pulse. This town is beautiful, don't get me wrong, chocolate box in fact, but it's stagnating in a majority of the older generation who live here who refused any change! There's not that much to do.

    After living here all my life, I feel like now with my new husband, we should look to buy a house and start a home somewhere a little more fitting to our attitudes and way of life.

    I just want somewhere new and happening. Some excitement! Not an endless stream of up market coffee shops with the same old groups of ladies who lunch sat outside looking melancholy in designer sunglasses. You walk past and it's the same conversation, the same old handbag! A continuous merry go round of shopping, spending, drinking coffee, having lunch, drinking wine, shopping then spending, only broken by a holiday or a trip to yoga. No wonder they're trying to OD on caffeine.

    Okay, negatives aside, it's a beautiful place with some lovely people. I have my job here and my wonderful apartment. I'm not knocking it entirely.

    It's just sometimes, don't you ever feel like a life re-haul? A big change? Something dramatic!

    Two years. I want to be moved out of here by no later than two years.

    Lo x

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