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Thread: I feel like a dumb bimbo

  1. #1

    I feel like a dumb bimbo

    I will try to make this short but I will be as detailed as I can.
    I've been together with my boyfriend (let's call him Jay) for 3.5 years but I've recently become naÔvely attracted to his best friend (let's call him Sea), and I feel so dumb. I love my boyfriend with all my heart, I met him when I was fifteen, he was fourteen - and we hit it off spectacularly well. Our relationship started out as a fling, my first one that started so embarrassingly I cannot be honest with my family about it (for SHAME!!!), but eventually ended up being a very romantic and emotionally fueled relationship - the best relationship I have ever experienced, and the longest. Jay really listened to me and would always do anything to make me smile, he was so charming and sweet and he was sexually satisfying in my opinion (I'm nineteen now so it's kinda weird talking about a fourteen year old like this even though I was not even a year older than him at the time); he even used to dance to music with me in my mother's basement (the Sex Pistols, may I add). I met him in school, and we spent a lot of time together - not a day went by where we would not talk (for comparison, he usually goes at least 10 minutes to respond to any text I send - sometimes 30 - and he used to reply to me nearly instantaneously for the first 1.5 yrs). I admire him so much, and within the 3.5 years that we've been dating he has matured and grown so much as a person, it is amazing to watch him change every day.
    I fear I am growing apart from him. I am tearing up writing this because I am in denial about it - actually seeing these words physically hurts me so much. He used to be so attentive to everything I would do and say but lately he seems to be so distant and cold to me. I fell in love with someone completely different than he is now.. He used to talk about me all the time to his friends and he genuinely made me feel so special. I know attraction fades after a while, but I've seen some couples who are going on fourty odd years and still strong as ever. But now it's like I barely exist. I'll say something to him that I am enthusiastic about and it's like he barely even acknowledges me. Don't get me wrong, he still has his moments where he is charming. I feel it might be stress because we recently were bystanders in an assault and there is a lot of tension because of it, but I don't know.
    Jay's parents are super strict, and his household is so toxic to the point where he and I can't even hang out there anymore, it puts us in a nasty mood. He just turned eighteen in January (Sea turned eighteen in January as well), and he still has to make curfew every night at 11:30PM or else he gets locked out.
    On the topic of parents; Jay's parents are kind of oblivious to the amount of trauma they caused Jay and their other two offspring. They don't seem to like me too much but they tolerate me because even though they are cruel to Jay, he is still a Mama's boy. Jay is planning on leaving home and moving in with me in the summer. Sea's parents are amazingly sweet and treat me like I am a child of their own. I am welcome in their house and in their fridge and every time I am over I feel like I live there. I am so close with Sea's father that he comes down to hang out with me occasionally with Jay and Sea as well. Sea's father is so attentive and knows me like the back of his hand. I swear he knows I am hungry even before I do.
    Back to the point, I find I barely have time to spend with Jay anymore because I live in a women's shelter and he cannot come in to spend time with me - we hang out in Sea's father's basement. We all (Sea, Jay, and I) hang out every day, usually. My curfew is at 2AM so Sea and I usually chill in the basement until I have to go home. I attend College, Sea and Jay attend the same high school but Sea never goes anymore - he is looking for work instead. I go to the basement every day after class, usually around 2PM but Jay never gets there until 4PM and Sea sleeps in a lot, sometimes until around 5PM. Anyways, I have only come to realize myself becoming more drawn to Sea less than a month ago. I always found him extremely nice and we have more in common than Jay and I. Sea is really creative, calm, thoughtful, and innovative. I feel he would make a hard worker when he eventually gets a job. Jay is getting progressively more toxic with me, and even with inanimate objects. He lashes out at video games when it doesn't go his way, when he is frustrated it is the worst. He used to have a sense of humor but he just gets sour at any joke I make. He has definite anger issues. Due to my harsh childhood it scares and kind of triggers me sometimes to hear him yell and freak out. Sometimes it makes me cry because it makes me think about my youth. It has gotten so bad lately that his bad mood will bring tension into the room strong enough to bring any nice conversation Sea and I are having to an abrupt halt. Again, I am unsure whether this is stress or not - he may just not be mentally mature enough to handle emotions - I really don't know. All I know for sure is that things have changed drastically to the point where I am so confused. Whenever we have disagreements he just shuts down and when I try to talk to him he will 9/10 chances say "I don't know" to everything I ask and say.
    Now, I am not saying I am innocent. I can be stubborn and sometimes cause , I am the problem as well. I feel unfaithful just for finding Sea intriguing.
    Back to the matter at hand.
    Sea and I have been hanging out a lot more, talking a lot more. We have a casual friendship, we have playfully flirted once but it was more jokingly than romantically. We were joking around and he likes to make me paranoid by grabbing cigarettes by the cherry when I pass them to him, but I was trying to avoid that at all costs. It ended in us just laughing, which is nice. It's nice to converse and joke with someone so easy going, it's like a breath of fresh air. I am paying his phone bill because my father is paying mine, my new phone upgrade got stolen so I got a plan of my own with a pointless plan so I could get a phone on a contract. I had nobody to give the new number on the contract to as Jay's parents have Jay a phone on a contract, so I gave the number to Sea.
    I am not the kind of person to be unfaithful. When I get into a relationship I am always looking for long term, and I always look for a potential father to my children. I have always been family oriented and want so desperately to give my children a better childhood than I got, so this decision is very important to me but I am just at a loss here...
    I don't know if Jay and I are truly toxic or if it is just situational, and losing him is the last thing I want.
    But lately I can not stop thinking about Sea, it's so exciting to me because it is someone new I have never even considered exploring romantically because we have never been close enough. I always have been attracted but I need a connection, and a connection is growing between Sea and I. I have an opportunity to tell Sea the way I feel, and I have a strong urge to because I can't keep my feelings to myself - thus why I am asking for an unbiased opinion before I do something I regret. But at the same time I would really hate to let Jay go.
    I have not made any move or comment or hint about the way I have been feeling about Jay or Sea, but Jay knows that I am struggling to keep going in our relationship. I keep trying because I think of how things were, and how they could be. I know Jay could be a great father, minus the anger - and he is a great lover when he puts in the effort.
    Obviously there is a lot more story to Jay and my relationship, so if you have any questions don't be afraid to ask. Also I am only asking for advice, if you're going to say something judgemental and/or rude please don't waste your energy.
    What should I do? Hint to Sea the way I feel, wait until the stressors go away before I do anything, or talk to Jay about it? Jay is understanding but he seems slightly bipolar so I don't know how he will react. Thanks a ton in advance.

  2. #2
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    Donít try to date Sea.

    I know that right now he looks like the shelter in your storm - but heís clearly not a good choice. A guy (like Jay) who comes from a good home, with rules and boundaries who is going to school and trying to better himself is a MUCH better long-term prospect than a guy who isnít finishing high school, sleeping till 5pm and staying up to all hours of the night with his best friendís girl.

    And really, I would bet almost anything that your bf has picked up on this crush with his best friend and thatís what is making him moody, emotional, aloof, etc. You canít hide that stuff. Iím sure he sees all these ęgreat conversationsĽ and jokes and grabbing smokes, etc.

    As a first step - if you donít want to be that cheating girl - I think that you and Jay need to stop hanging out at Seaís. Go to a park or a coffee shop or the mall, etc if you canít go to Jayís house.

    Once youíve cut out Sea and youíve looked to repair your relationship with Jay - if itís still not working with the Sea distraction, then break up with him.

    The answer may not be either of these guys... itís probably option C which is someone else.

    ... but Sea is not a good choice. He may be charming. He may be fun to be around. But heís not a good long-term prospect and heís your boyfriendís best friend. The are a million fish in the sea... this one is not a good one. Trust me - heís only looking attractive because things are ęoffĽ with Jay and Sea is giving you the attention, and the flirting, and a place to go, etc.

  3. #3
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    Neither of these guys is the one for you, OP.

    As RedDress rightly pointed out, Sea is not exactly a good candidate for a relationship. He is making poor choices in life already, being close to graduating and not even bothering to go to class or get up before 5pm. That's not somebody who is mature enough yet. And your current boyfriend, well, it seems you have outgrown each other.

    As long as you're with your boyfriend, though, you need to to stop cozying up with Sea. It's not cool. Don't even think about hinting at your feelings to him. Unless and until you are totally single, discussing your feelings with another guy just isn't smart.

  4. #4
    Thank you for your advice, you've explained things to me and put my mind in perspective. I am looking for long term, not temporary relief. Your advice really helped.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Monkey branching would be a selfish scumbag move to pull and no intelligent man would respect you having witnessed such dumb bimbo behaviour (your words). Your post is full of self-centeredness, lack of loyalty and lack of integrity. You are considering leaving your boyfriend for his best friend. If you want a high quality partner, you should try to become one yourself and that's not the way to go about it.

    It does sound like your relationship has been deteriorating. Imo, you need to focus on getting to the bottom of this rather than looking to monkey branch. Talk to your boyfriend. Air your concerns and if you can't resolve things then break up with him. Then you will be free to move on and find someone better for you, someone who is not best friends with your ex. Even if this guy Sea gets together with you, you won't have won any prize. Any guy who would betray his best friend like that lacks loyalty and integrity i.e. he is not a real man. Would you want the father of your children to be like that?

    If you are not happy in your relationship, break up. Then reflect on your part on how the relationship ended so you won't repeat the same mistakes. If you keep monkey branching you will keep ending up with low quality people. People of high quality know better than to participate in such malarkey.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Sinking your youth into a long term relationship is stunting. It tends to limit your focus to only one romantic relationship until you're bored enough to focus on another romantic relationship. Meanwhile, you've missed every other facet of growth into maturity during this important developmental time. It sets you up for a future of leapfrogging from one guy to the next without ever learning how to fully develop into comfort and security solo, because you'll be entirely fixed on your sexuality and romantic fantasy.

    I'd fix that now, while you still have enough of your youth left to reverse the damage. Consult with a therapist for help. If you're still in school, your tuition covers mental heath counseling on campus. Grow BEYOND your sexuality, or just like babies who don't outgrow oral fixations, you'll get stuck in a one-note focus on sex and fantasy, and all other aspects of your development won't mature.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You and your bf have spent so many of your young years in a serious relationship. It's now coming unglued and that's not a bad thing. It sounds like you two need to sow your wild oats while still young before eventually entering into a lifetime relationship with someone. Most people have a first love but that person doesn't end up as being their forever person.

    Do not move in together. I've known many people who attempted to escape an unhappy home life by marrying or moving in with a partner at too young of an age and it always blew up in their faces. Your brain won't be fully formed until about age 25, specifically in the decision making portion of the brain. Why not let yourself mature a bit and have more life experiences before making a momentous decision like moving in with a guy. You have so many years of your adult life ahead where that can be done one day, but for now, you should be free to enjoy your youth without such a serious decision.

    My parents did the best they could with us kids, but I did feel a lack of physical affection from them growing up. I'd get a peck on the cheek but never once got a bear hug from either of them. When I had my first boyfriend, the affection was like a drug and looking back on those years, I always had to have a boyfriend or I became depressed. How I wished I'd learned to be happy solo for some of those years, and to just have more fun with girlfriends and hobbies, which I did have, but always had to have a boyfriend as well. I got married too young at 21, which was far too young in my case, and that marriage was an unhappy one because I didn't have enough life experience to make such an important decision, and I entered the marriage with an unhealthy state of mind.

    My advice is to be single until you enjoy your own company, and after leaving a longterm relationship of over 3 years, I recommend a minimum of 1 year of going solo. Otherwise, you will choose the wrong man over and over, which I see happening because you're going for someone who will be a high school dropout and you don't even know what his work ethic will be going into the adult world. As you mature, you will understand that that is key to a good partnership.

    Get your college education without these distractions so that you will be an independent woman who never needs a man, but happily welcomes a good guy, worthy of you, to share in your joy.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Guy #3 seems like the best option. That is the guy you haven't met yet and isn't this bf or his best friend. Learn boundaries and find dates in other ways.

  10. #9
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    Moving away from BF #1, avoiding almost BF#2, and getting your life together. And only then, be open to a new BF. You have not met that person yet.

    If you live in a woman's shelter, then I take it you have some heavy lifting to do to get established as an independent adult woman. Do that. Romance can wait.

  11. #10
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    I basically agree with everything everyone has said but also just want to add that while you could break up with your boyfriend Jay, dating Sea is not exactly an option. Jay and Sea are BEST friends. The way you know him is through Jay and the reason you've been hanging out with him all this time is because of Jay. I think majority of people would not stab their long-term best friend in the back like that and steal their girlfriend from them. If you start seeing Sea, I pretty much guarantee that the friendship between him and Jay would be over.

    I think it's not fair to do that to them because you are both still a teenager and you have no guarantee that you and Sea would stay together. Why ruin a close friendship over a fling? You know what they say, "Fries before guys", "bros before ho's", etc.

    I think it's great you want to eventually settle down and have a family. I know you're still young but when you know what you want, you know. I'm 34 now and engaged but I've also always known since my teenage years that I wanted to get married and have kids. However I don't see what the rush is right now to find a guy to settle down with. You do seem to be outgrowing your boyfriend and you want to experience being with other guys and that's normal at your age. But you can take your time finding another guy and also just enjoy your time single and focus on college.

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