Boyfriend going to Vegas for a friend's bachelor party

This morning I was headed out the door on my way to work when my boyfriend of 1.5 years decided to announce that he was going to Vegas for a bachelor party... tomorrow (Friday) - Sunday.

I was livid... First off, you tell me the day before that you're leaving for a bachelor party in Vegas? Second off, I'm leaving for work and you think this is the best time to tell me? Third, these are 20 of his "best" guy friends from Dallas... Guys I've never met before and guys who probably don't even know he has a girlfriend (he's not on any sort of social media, he doesn't really talk to these guys all the time and when he does I'm sure it's not about relationships).

About us: I'm 27, he's 33. We met in CA in Oct-2012 and hit it off. Dec-2013 he had to move to MN for work, we did the long distance thing for 6 mos and we decided I should move. June-2014 - I found a new job and moved to MN ... We are currently living together to help me get situated in a new state but since I don't believe in cohabitation before marriage, I am actively looking for my own place. We have our ups and downs and lately it's been a lot of down.

Moving to a new state is hard and getting situated with my own life out here is hard. I have no friends or family here except him. I'm used to being very independent so feeling dependent on him for everything is definitely affecting my self-esteem. I know my self worth and have a lot of self respect but without any friends or family here it's been hard maintaining that independence.

A lot of our recent fights have stemmed from my dependency on him and his own insecurities/reservations about the move. When I first moved in, we had a lot of issues regarding whether we were both ok with it... I guess that was a huge communication issue from the get-go. I don't think he realized how big of a sacrifice I was making to be with him. We talked about it and we moved on from that and decided we were both all in.

Lately we've been having a lot of issues with communication (surprise surprise) or rather lack thereof. He doesn't talk to me about much and when I ask about things it feels like I'm prying or that he doesn't want me to know. There's just been a huge disconnect between us the last month or so. I feel that now we're spending too much time together and not enough "quality" time... Are we like an old married couple?

Anyway, I just found out he's planning on leaving tomorrow for a bachelor party in Vegas with guys I've never met and I feel like he's distancing himself from me even more. The fact that he planned this without me makes me feel disrespected. I feel like this is not the best time for him to be out with the guys in Vegas. Considering all my friends are in CA, I feel like he thinks it's safe to leave me in MN. I feel like he's backed me into a corner where I just have to accept this decision.

I know what happens at bachelor parties; I know what happens in Vegas; I'm not ok with the timing of this trip. Our relationship is not in a good or healthy spot for him to be going to Vegas. Do I trust him? Yes. Do I think he might be tempted? Yes.

He is a very extroverted person, big flirt, likes to be the center of attention. I also fear that since his friends don't know about me, they'll instigate him to be the life of the party that he is.

My insecurity is that since our relationship has been in a slump the last month, it's going to make it easier for him to just forget about me in Vegas and do whatever he wants...

I don't know what to do

I feel like he didn't take my feelings into consideration and now I'm stuck. Am I crazy?

You are not the first girlfriend whose bf has gone off to Vegas for a bachelor party (in fact our good friends son who is getting married in August just got back from one and his gf was fine with it).

The problem here is you not having any friends and you feeling dependent on him. Not that he's going to Vegas. I'm sure that if you had a life outside of him and how you rely on him for everything, then you'd just be secure in your relationship and you'd wish him a fun and safe weekend while telling him to "be good."

Work on you and your neediness. Join some groups, join a sports team, take up a hobby, get yourself out there and find something to do.

Trust him to be faithful and get on with your life or get away from him and learn to be independent and happy while alone. That's what you do.

I think you are trying to play at being more committed to each other than you really are... i.e., you probably should not have moved with him unless you were ready to marry and were that committed.

You are not stuck... you can make the decision this relationship is not working and move to Calif. It sounds like it's not working... and it is rather inconsiderate of him to wait to the last minute then drop the bomb that he has a vacation planned and you're not invited. I suspect he did it to limit the amount of time he had to listen to you complain about it, since his mind was made up that he was going to go whether you liked it or not. that shows you that he is not thinking of the two of you as a couple, but still as separate individuals who can operate in the single mode.

The problem here is you not having any friends and you feeling dependent on him. Not that he's going to Vegas. I'm sure that if you had a life outside of him and how you rely on him for everything, then you'd just be secure in your relationship and you'd wish him a fun and safe weekend while telling him to "be good."

Yup you nailed it. I have no problem with him going to Vegas, I have a problem with being alone in a new state. This is the 4th trip he's taken and left me alone for the weekend in the last month and a half and I'm just sick of him making these decisions without me. I guess I should just stop expecting him to hold my hand through this whole move.

I think you are trying to play at being more committed to each other than you really are... i.e., you probably should not have moved with him unless you were ready to marry and were that committed.

The plan wasn't for me to move in with him and get married. The plan was for me to move closer to him so we could work on our relationship and give it a full chance instead of half-assing it long distance. We are very much committed to each other and I know if I didn't take the chance or risk moving to MN I'd definitely regret not trying. Now I have an awesome job as the marketing manager for a huge company out here and it's something I'm proud of being able to accomplish on my own... Not many people can say they moved to a new state and found a great job in a matter of weeks.

You're right, our relationship is not working right now but we're both still very much in it and I'll be damned if I got myself this far to quit.

Why is him taking a vacation with some friends for a bachelor party about you?

Let him go and have a great time and stop being a fun crasher. Maybe it was a last minute invite, maybe he didn't want to tell you because he knew you'd try to ruin his good time. Why don't you go to the spa and have some gal time or whatever to enjoy some time without him?

You're selfish and insecure and yes you're crazy. If he wants to cheat on you, he doesn't need to go to Vegas to do it. And yes, he is likely going to get a lap dance there because it is a bachelor party and no, it isn't a big deal and yes, he'll say he didn't even if he did.

btw, he won't 'forget about you' in Vegas. If he is a cheater and going to cheat it is not because he doesn't want you as a GF or 'forgets' your existence, it is because his morals are such that he believes cheating is OK, in which case you don't want him. You need to feel you can trust him, and if that is the root of the issue, that you don't trust him, then marriage or getting serious with him will not work. I think the issue in this case is (a) that he dropped a bomb on you at the last minute when that was kind of sneaky and inconsiderate and he must have known this was planned a long time because (b) he didn't want to listen to you be upset about it and © you don't trust him. So those things are all big problems in a relationship. You don't seem to be merging too successfully as a couple and either you need to BOTH really commit and act like a couple, or else decide it is not working.

You're right, our relationship is not working right now but we're both still very much in it and I'll be damned if I got myself this far to quit.

Then work on your social circle and start being more independent rather then using him as your sole reason for being happy. That's a lot of responsibility for him to be the bearer of.

Wish him a good time and stop fretting about the trip. When you make some new friends you can book a trip away for the weekend with them. It's good to have some away time from one another... it gives you a chance to experience that longing for one another again which always makes for an exciting reunion.

Fractal - Yeah I need to relax. It was just shocking to find out the morning before so of course I've got all these emotions and feelings running through

Fractal - Yeah I need to relax. It was just shocking to find out the morning before so of course I've got all these emotions and feelings running through

You need to communicate to him in actions that you're not a complete emotional spazzz over him having a life outside of you by you getting a bit of a life outside of him. Win/Win.

I would be angry about this too, and I for one do not think you're selfish or crazy. If it was just the bachelor party that he forgot to mention, I would be upset but would get over it. But this is the 4th trip in the last 1.5 months? Are they all for fun? And you're not invited? It sounds to me like he wasn't prepared for what your moving would actually entail, and now he's escaping the situation at any opportunity.

Uprooting your entire life causes a lot of anxiety, and I'm assuming your insecurities are stemming from your dip in self esteem. I'm going to assume that you're not usually like this, since you mentioned you were used to being independent. So now it's time to take care of yourself! There's really nothing you can do about him, if he wants to run, you can't stop him. If he wants to cheat, you can't stop him either. So try not to obsess over things that you can't control. Instead, start building your life in MN! You said you've gotten a great job there, so there's more reason to stay other than just him. You'll have the whole weekend to do whatever you want, so start exploring! Get yourself to a happy place (for you, not for him) and deal with him when he gets back. Then I suggest having a hard talk with him to figure out what his deal is, and just how you guys are going to move forward.

Other than gambling, there is almost nothing he can do at Vegas proper that he couldn't do in any large city in the United States, if he wanted to.

I would be angry about this too, and I for one do not think you're selfish or crazy. If it was just the bachelor party that he forgot to mention, I would be upset but would get over it. But this is the 4th trip in the last 1.5 months? Are they all for fun? And you're not invited? It sounds to me like he wasn't prepared for what your moving would actually entail, and now he's escaping the situation at any opportunity.

In the last month and a half I've been here, he's been to Cleveland, Canada, Nashville and now Vegas... All with the boys.

Uprooting your entire life causes a lot of anxiety, and I'm assuming your insecurities are stemming from your dip in self esteem. I'm going to assume that you're not usually like this, since you mentioned you were used to being independent. So now it's time to take care of yourself! There's really nothing you can do about him, if he wants to run, you can't stop him. If he wants to cheat, you can't stop him either. So try not to obsess over things that you can't control. Instead, start building your life in MN! You said you've gotten a great job there, so there's more reason to stay other than just him. You'll have the whole weekend to do whatever you want, so start exploring! Get yourself to a happy place (for you, not for him) and deal with him when he gets back. Then I suggest having a hard talk with him to figure out what his deal is, and just how you guys are going to move forward.

Thank you! I needed to hear that and appreciate the advice. I've always been independent, had my own great group of friends, and he was attracted to my strong personality, but being in a new state without my support system is taking it's toll.

Recently I have been obsessing over things and nitpicking and it's due to the plethora of free time on my hands. I need to find a way to occupy myself and like you said, make my life in MN.

What set me off about the situation was finding out about the trip the day before...

I agree w/ what the others have said about getting yourself integrated in a new place and making friends and your own life. BUT I don't blame you for being ticked that you were told the day before. I'd be totally upset about that, too. Also I think it's odd or at the very least inconsiderate that this is his 4th trip w/out you in a month and a half (unless they've been for work). The other thing that stood out to me...his friends don't know about you? Why not? What's up w/ that?

If you have the money and ability, maybe you could take a trip back to CA this weekend? It'll be fun and a good pick me up and help you not be focused on him being in Vegas.

I checked flights to CA this weekend and they're $800! Unfortunately, with the moving expenses (new car, new furniture etc) I just don't have the budget for that

I think you should communicate to him in a calm and assertive manner that he only told you the day before. I would be angry as well, but try to see what he will say when you ask him in calm and non-threatening manner. Tell him that it's not acceptable for you to be notified so late.

I agree with those saying that one day's notice is not cool.

But I also agree with those saying that the real problem is the stuff you mentioned (insecurity having just moved, poor communication, etc.).

I have moved a few times in my life and found that the best way to integrate was to go full force. Start researching volunteering, or classes for fun, or meetup groups, etc. Maybe designate this weekend that he's gone as a time to start really building your life as an individual. It might be really great if he comes back from Vegas and you have a lot of positive news about things you've signed up for and/or planned. It might take some of the pressure off the relationship.

What happens in Vegas? I'm someone that frequents Vegas, with and without my boyfriend. He used to frequent Vegas without me years ago and the only thing going on was him drinking, playing blackjack and betting on sports. Not everyone that goes to Vegas is there to get laid.

>>In the last month and a half I've been here, he's been to Cleveland, Canada, Nashville and now Vegas... All with the boys.

So basically 4 out of the last 6 weekends he's been away with 'the boys'? This man is not ready to settle down or get married anytime soon. And are you really sure it is just the boys, or are there other women he may be dating?

What's the point of you moving to be near him if all his leisure time is spent with other people? He seems to have been happy with an LDR and part time GF... but not ready for a big commitment. I'm sorry you uprooted your life for this. If he doesn't show more signs of perceiving himself as part of a couple rather than a free agent, you might consider moving back to Calif... if you don't have the $$$ ask friends or family for help.

We are currently living together to help me get situated in a new state but since I don't believe in cohabitation before marriage, I am actively looking for my own place.

This doesn't make any sense.

Moving to a new state is hard and getting situated with my own life out here is hard. I have no friends or family here except him. I'm used to being very independent so feeling dependent on him for everything is definitely affecting my self-esteem.

I moved six hours away from friends and family, and ten hours from my fiancé. I lived and survived in a state all by myself. It was lonely, but I found activities to engage in. So no, it's really not that hard and it depends on how you make it to be. Remember: you are the one who chose to move, so why not find other activities or Meetup groups to do things?

I feel that now we're spending too much time together and not enough "quality" time... Are we like an old married couple?

This happens to anyone who moves in together. This is normal.

Anyway, I just found out he's planning on leaving tomorrow for a bachelor party in Vegas with guys I've never met and I feel like he's distancing himself from me even more. The fact that he planned this without me makes me feel disrespected. I feel like this is not the best time for him to be out with the guys in Vegas. Considering all my friends are in CA, I feel like he thinks it's safe to leave me in MN.

Your overreacting and taking this far too personal.

He doesn't need to plan this trip with you. This isn't your party- this is a bachelor party for the groom. This trip was planned not just by him, but the other groomsmen based on the wishes of the groom. Do you seriously expect him to take you along with him? I don't think so.

As for the people you haven't met, they are friends of the groom. They may not be his friends, and therefore it would not be appropriate for him to introduce you to them if he is t entirely cool with them.

However, you are justified in feeling he should of given you a heads up in advance rather than the last minute. However it is possible this trip was planned at the very last minute for some reason or the other.

Instead of taking it out on him, tell him your concerns about communication and that you aren't upset about the trip... But how he doesn't tell you ahead of time of when he plans to do something with his friends and it's more of a courtesy thing.

This doesn't make any sense.

I'm from CA, we flew to my friends wedding in AZ, immediately following the wedding, the plan was for me to fly back to MN with him and start job hunting. I got a great lead and next thing you know I've got a job that started the following week (this all happened in a span of 3 weeks). Because of the quick turn around, I didn't have time to go home, pack my stuff, or ship my car over... Nor did I have the time to find an apartment. Now I've got so many expenses... Buying a new car, buying new furniture, etc that I'm staying with him as a temporary solution.

I moved six hours away from friends and family, and ten hours from my fiancé. I lived and survived in a state all by myself. It was lonely, but I found activities to engage in. So no, it's really not that hard and it depends on how you make it to be. Remember: you are the one who chose to move, so why not find other activities or Meetup groups to do things?

Going from living in San Francisco and Los Angeles, then moving to the Midwest makes it hard to find people that have the same interests I do. Everyone out here just goes hunting and fishing...

He doesn't need to plan this trip with you. This isn't your party- this is a bachelor party for the groom. This trip was planned not just by him, but the other groomsmen based on the wishes of the groom. Do you seriously expect him to take you along with him? I don't think so.

You're missing the point. I don't want to go with him, I want to be involved in the decision making process of things.

As for the people you haven't met, they are friends of the groom. They may not be his friends, and therefore it would not be appropriate for him to introduce you to them if he is t entirely cool with them.

He says they're all his best friends from Dallas... Not just friends of the groom but his friends too.

However, you are justified in feeling he should of given you a heads up in advance rather than the last minute. However it is possible this trip was planned at the very last minute for some reason or the other.

Yeah and come to find the trip was planned months ago and he booked his trip last week, then just told me this morning and is leaving tomorrow. That doesn't really give me much time to accept it.

Instead of taking it out on him, tell him your concerns about communication and that you aren't upset about the trip... But how he doesn't tell you ahead of time of when he plans to do something with his friends and it's more of a courtesy thing.

Yeah we're discussing that tonight when we get home from work.

It isn't Vegas I would be upset about....it would be that 4 of the last 6 weekends have been BoyTown.

It isn't Vegas I would be upset about....it would be that 4 of the last 6 weekends have been BoyTown.

exactly my thoughts.

The vegas thing is null and void, sure he could of told you about it earlier. But really its your job as a girlfriend to just listen and accept, bachelor parties usually only come once so it's not like he can go next time for that particular groom.

The issue is him playing single guy, both of you probably work, and don't get a lot of "each other" time on the weekends since he's out with the boys constantly.

Not just "out with the boys".....traveling to hook up with the boys of NeverNeverLand!!!!

exactly my thoughts.

 

The vegas thing is null and void, sure he could of told you about it earlier. But really its your job as a girlfriend to just listen and accept, bachelor parties usually only come once so it's not like he can go next time for that particular groom.

 

The issue is him playing single guy, both of you probably work, and don't get a lot of "each other" time on the weekends since he's out with the boys constantly.

This is the 3rd bachelor party he's been invited to this year. The first two he couldn't go to due to scheduling conflicts. I am listening and accepting the fact that he's going, it's just frustrating finding out the day before.

We both work full time jobs and are both just fried when we get home. He would beg to differ on the lack of "each other" time... I've brought this up to him before and he doesn't understand that just because we come home together doesn't mean we're spending quality time together... Especially considering the fact that usually when we get home we're just vegging in front of the tv for a bit then going to bed... Idk maybe I'm just unfulfilled but he thinks that we spend more than enough time together and that his trips are justified