Will I ever heal?

I'm having a hard time getting my self worth back. Intellectually, I know what to do. Intellectually, I see that with issues of depression, alcoholism and other complex issues, he could never have given to our relationship what it (we) needed to flourish and grow. I know not to take his lack of commitment personally. But I feel worthless. Unwanted. Unloved. Even though I broke up because the whole thing was just so painful...he gets to walk away as the passive victim.

I spent the day with a normal, confident, respectful man yesterday. Today platonic, although I know he would like to pursue a relationship with me. I am nowhere near ready. Very fragile and feeling damaged.

When does it get better? I am 46. 2 lost relationships in two years (first one was 19 year marriage, which I left, in order to be with this guy).

Ex-BF owes me money so I "sort of" have to stay in touch with him to make arrangements for re-payment. No, I am not prepared to walk away from $1200 dollars. But it means that consciously I am unable to completely block him out.

It feels like the life has been sucked out of me. Grrrr..

So wait, you left your husband of 19 years just to be with someone else or were there other reasons? I'm not shocked this other guy had commitment issues. I know I would be having second thoughts of spending long-term time with someone who just left a 19 year marriage, what's to make me thing you wouldn't do it to me?

Consider the $1,200 a payment never to see that person ever again. You could technically block him out but subconsciously you don't want to yet, you're finding things to hold onto (normal actually).

I'm sorry to have judged you in my first couple of sentences, and I'll dismiss my judgment now and answer your question. You want to heal? You have to completely let go. It may take time, but you have to first forgive yourself, second work on yourself, and third have no contact and no thoughts with the men of your past. NO excuses.

I meant Totally Platonic. Not today platonic, LOL (Freudian slip)

Thanks JayCho. I didn't want to repeat the whole story again (from my original post) was married 19 years, but living under same roof while going through a separation. Separate bedrooms for 2 years, and very high conflict. Our split was for the best. I only started seeing this guy in the last five months that I lived at home. Believe me, I have tormented myself with guilt and have apologized to my husband. We are friends now and have a more amicable relationship now than we did while married. Our split was going to happen anyway.

Will you ever heal? Yes...you will, do what you need to do to heal and make yourself happy and shed the guilt if you have any.

As far as the $1200: If you have a written agreement then you have the law on your side and thus need very little direct contact. If he doesn't pay you, you can sue him in small claims court.

You can recoup the money he owes you and pay the $100 filing fee.

You feel worthless, unwanted etc.

Probably because of this.. "When does it get better? I am 46. 2 lost relationships in two years (first one was 19 year marriage, which I left, in order to be with this guy)"

- So 2 broken relationships have happened in the last cpl of years and you have NOT dealt with either of them yet.

What you need is some serious down time to deal with yourself. mentally & emotionally.

This is most likely WHY you're having such a hard time getting your self worth back.

This guy could have been a 'rebound' for you, which does sting!

"I spent the day with a normal, confident, respectful man yesterday. Today platonic, although I know he would like to pursue a relationship with me. I am nowhere near ready."

- I agree... do NOT go there!

Deal with yourself for a while, on your own.. or you're just going to keep bringing this instability into your relationship in which case, you'll keep going down.

The answer to getting over one is NOT to move onto another.

you guys are all correct. I KNOW I need time to heal. the relationship with my ex husband has been resolved, it's a huge loss but we have both moved on. I have a lot of respect for him in the way he has behaved since I left. The split was mutual. the marriage had had periods of physical abuse from which there was a lot of trust damage done.

This second guy swept me off my feet and was unable to maintain his own façade. Yes, I screwed up...trusting him, etc. Trying to process that lesson and heal myself.

The platonic friend KNOWS I am not ready. I have not elaborated on what I've been through too much as I don't want to envelop him into my drama. He deserves me at my healthiest. If anything I would value a wonderful friendship with this man.

The part that is hard to move past is that I am 46 - and I thought the ex-BF was "the one". What if I only heal in ten years and destined to a life with cats by then? I know...worrying does not help....sigh

fed up, your post resonates with me because I am about to turn 40 this month and I also had 2 failed relationships in 2 years.

the worst break up I've ever had happened in September, and like you, I wondered if I would ever heal. I'm finally getting my answer and it is YES! I'm not fully healed but I definitely feel the healing process finally happening. I thought my ex was "the one" as well. we were looking at engagement rings and I had never done that with any previous GF. my healing is prolonged because I didn't do the necessary things to help myself heal. please don't be like me.

i'm a bit younger than you and i've never been married or in a relationship that lasted more than 3.5 years but i also worry about being single for the rest of my life. i know, and you know, these thoughts are counter-productive. I've been trying hard not to worry and think about that and to try to remain positive and be hopeful for my future. it's helping little by little.

thanks deejay74...you've given me hope that it does get easier. glad you are feeling better as you go

This second guy swept me off my feet and was unable to maintain his own façade. Yes, I screwed up...trusting him, etc. Trying to process that lesson and heal myself.

Please don't do this. My only mistake was being "tooo trusting" of that horrible, evil ex. Look, your ex was horrible. I read your list of his issues and almost laughed that one person could do all that crap. But it takes two people to create an unhealthy relationship.

So I think you need to start owning and understanding your role. And not as a victim but as an active participant in the dysfunction.

The relationship served a purpose for you. It lit a fire in your butt to really leave your ex ... and distracted you from grieving the end of that relationship. Further, it probably helped you have a better relationship with your ex because comparatively this is more drama.

Healing takes time. But you really need to get this whole "drama" vocabulary out of your life. You need to feel worthy enough NOT to run to a loser and think this is the love of your life.

And to be honest, I think you need at least a year - if not two - of just being single. Make friends. Enjoy your passions. Live adventure. And stay away from men for a while.

Thanks Ms Darcy. Back in October, when I moved out on my own and he seemed to "fade in and out", I started to have doubts. I called him on his commitment level. But in reality, what was happening was that he was just as available as before, only now I was free almost full time (other than when my son was here). I would share my concerns, he's make a valiant effort, and then fade in/out again (which I attribute to the alone time he needed for drinking). early November I said, there are loads of red flags here, I need to slow down...I should have given myself a year..etc etc. He went into angry mode, and would not accept that I needed a "break". Back he went on his best behaviour. But there was always the FB flirting, talking and texting with other chicks. I would address it, he's get angry and fade/in fade/out.

You're right. I played a huge role. I am NOT a victim. But I believed his words. About wanting a future, growing old together. his favorite line was "I want you to be the one who buries me".

I became close with his daughters. Unfortunately I had to keep him a secret from my son because I wanted to "wait that year"...I didn't want my son to think I left his father for another man. It was so much more complex than that.

But you are absolutely right. I needed the year. I guess my time starts now.

.

as for the improved relationship with my ex....it's not because there's comparatively less drama, it's because I saw the solid character I walked away form (but not too be too easy on him either, he was physically abusive several times throughout the marriage). What I saw in him instead, was that he admitted his role as well in the demise of our marriage. He tried to win me back, but I picked the loser. For that, I may never forgive myself. I started to see my ex husband in a more humble light. he has been there for me through this separation, urging me to get my life back and take my power back. We weren't good together, but he is a very decent man.

You didn't pick the loser. They both are losers. (Example: Physically abusive ex-husband.)

You are the common denominator in these unhealthy relationships. Perhaps some therapy can help you unpack that a bit. Are you needy? Are you desperate? Etc.

I had a long think last night. My ex-H was by no means a loser, but the combination of my personality and his, brought out the worst in him and I. I don't want to label him, just as he does not label me.

the new guy though, as much as we loved eachother, did display other society-indicated loser traits...not working, drinking too much, heavy smoker, zero assets by age 47, zero hobbies. Regardless, I was OK with those traits, but had to draw the line at the constant female texting and FB cat-calling...I just always felt he was on the prowl, even if he wasn't! This guy wasn't violent, but had shady character traits.

My ex-husband could be pushed to react violently (he is military) but had a solid, respectable character.

So, yes, I am the common denominator. I am "too nice", I over think and live in my head, am insecure, but I am also an optimist, fun loving and kind. But when I start to get pushed (feeling disrespected, such as the constant flirting guy) I can become nasty and harsh. That was the chief complaint of both of them. I am going to work on myself!!