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Thread: I need to be less needy, clingy, and insecure. How?

  1. #1
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    I need to be less needy, clingy, and insecure. How?

    A few days ago I started a thread and got some responses that really helped me. Here it is:


    My girlfriend and I have made up last Saturday and went hiking together with a group on Sunday. She also called me Monday like she said that she would, and we texted last night. I feel that she is making the effort to communicate with me, but I am still being insecure.

    I think that the issue is that I have the urge to be so very needy and clingy in this relationship. I start to worry if I donít hear from her and I imagine that she doesnít care or think about me.

    I had a very serious cause for much stress during the past month: my business has been doing very poorly and I was nearing the point where I couldnít pay my bills. This has changed Monday as I finally got some great new contracts. I have no more reason to stress over this. Could this stress have contributed to me being so insecure and needy with her?

    Iím looking for advice on what I can do to not be so clingy and needy. I want to feel and appear confident.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member mhowe's Avatar
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    Therapy will help you get to the root cause of your insecurity. You cannot appear confident unless you are....it is pretty hard to fake.

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    I also started a thread and got helpful advice. I don't know if I am helping you here, but I was surprised that you worry when you don't hear from her. I thought that happens only with girls. Since I think it's men responsibility to start communicate - why don't you call her or text when you worry. Maybe she is waiting for your call. And think about what exactly make you think that she doesn't care about you. Maybe you are just over thinking because you care about her so much.

  4. #4
    Gold Member dreamguy's Avatar
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    Yes, going through hard financial times could have definitely contributed to your behavior. So take it easy on yourself. Good that you are getting back on your feet and you have new contracts. It's a good thing that you acknowledge being clingy and needy and, as such, it's a great time to radically change your behavior if you don't want to lose this woman (or any other woman for that matter).

    Being desperate kills the other person's attraction faster than the speed of light. People are attracted to emotionally strong individuals. By that I mean someone who is emotionally independent from them. To explain even further what I mean: Be someone who respects his woman but at the same time demands the same respect in return. Simple, isnít it ?
    To become less clingy start by putting this woman off the pedestal you have placed her on. She is all you have ever dreamed of ? Guess what, she is just another human being like everyone else mate. Give yourself some credit for being an honest guy.
    Get yourself a hobby, something that can keep you busy when you feel you are going crazy wondering why she hasnít called or shown up.

    One can never be sure but I suspect she doesnít feel as strongly for you or she is a manipulative person (not saying she necessarily is, but only giving you a heads up) who only meets with you when she is bored or has nothing better to do.

    Remember ďActions speak louder than wordsĒ. She called 2 hours ahead (when I bet she must have already known about her project long before thatÖ if there ever was a project). She said she would call you back the night she cancelled on you yet she didnít. You texted her and she didnít get back to you as well.
    I donít know about you but when someone repeatedly flakes out on you itís a red flag as to how interested/trustworthy they are. Time to start taking some distance and activating your ďdetectiveĒ mind about whatís really going on.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by mhowe
    Therapy will help you get to the root cause of your insecurity. You cannot appear confident unless you are....it is pretty hard to fake.
    Thanks. I do see a therapist. She has been doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with me and has also instructed me to follow an online CBT program. Yesterday I also contacted a local center regarding group therapy for people who have touble with healthy relationships.

    Originally Posted by Shwe
    ...I thought that happens only with girls. Since I think it's men responsibility to start communicate - why don't you call her or text when you worry. Maybe she is waiting for your call. And think about what exactly make you think that she doesn't care about you. Maybe you are just over thinking because you care about her so much.
    Thanks for your response.

    Generally I am more of an emotional person than most men, so I tend to respond to situations in more emotionally driven ways. Last night I started our text conversation and she responded right away. I didn't want to try contacting her earlier so I don't seem so needy. I figured that waiting at least 24 hours is good?

    She is significantly less outwardly emotional than I am. She is a very strong willed and independent individual. Maybe I am so attracted to her because she has these qualities that I wish to have?

    Originally Posted by dreamguy
    One can never be sure but I suspect she doesn’t feel as strongly for you or she is a manipulative person (not saying she necessarily is, but only giving you a heads up) who only meets with you when she is bored or has nothing better to do.

    Remember “Actions speak louder than words”. She called 2 hours ahead (when I bet she must have already known about her project long before that… if there ever was a project). She said she would call you back the night she cancelled on you yet she didn’t. You texted her and she didn’t get back to you as well.
    I don’t know about you but when someone repeatedly flakes out on you it’s a red flag as to how interested/trustworthy they are. Time to start taking some distance and activating your “detective” mind about what’s really going on.
    Thanks for your insights!

    I think that she doesn't feel as strongly because my feelings for her are off the charts. I'm sure that she is more in control of herself. She does tell me that she is really attracted to me and really cares about me. We never said "I love you" to each other, but at one time she said that the reason that she didn't want a relationship before meeting me was because she wanted to dedicate all of herself to art and didn't have room for love. Now, she said, she feels like she can have her cake and eat it too.

    She did say that I will have to share her with her art and that she is determined to make it her number one priority no matter what. I want to support her in that. I think that she is very talented and can achieve much. As a creative person I understand the drive and desire to put your art ahead of everything.

    As far as being manipulative, I don't know. I'm wearing rose colored glasses and can't seem to take them off. I do know that on Thursday she got overwhelmed with what was happening and didn't get to text me til later. When she picked up her phone there were all these needy texts from me and she got upset.

    I have started working on keeping busy. I've redesigned my workout routine to be more challenging, I joined a hiking club, and I found some new great books to read. In addition, I have been making an effort to spend at least an hour a day working on my writing. Still, when I do these things I constantly think of her. I itch to tell her how much she means to me. I restrain myself from calling her every few minutes to see how she is doing.

    Are there specific things that I should or shouldn't be saying to her? Last night I asked her to call me today during the daytime, when she does, I plan to ask her out to dinner. Should I give it more time instead? I was also thinking of saying that I've been hard to get along with because of the stress and apologize for that. Is that a wise move?

  7. #6
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    Dude, I can totally relate to all of this. Same basic experience recently (great start to relationship, some financial and various stress 6 months in, not a happy ending last month). She fell for me because I was very busy, interesting and fun in the beginning. And there were many times where i just wasn't available.

    Here is the main problem you have. You cannot really change the way you think about her while you are in the relationship, you can only monitor and control your behavior and actions to make is seem like you aren't needy. This is what I did. In the end it was an emotional drain on me in a huge way. And guess what? Women can sniff that stuff out no matter how you behave. Trust me.

    And as another poster pointed out here, people are attracted to emotionally strong partners.

    But all is not lost. You should back off right now - immediately. I may get some criticism about "game playing" but so what - this stuff works.

    Go silent for a couple of days. Don't be so accessible and don't be a pleaser. Step back. Fake it if you have to. The quote that comes to mind is that "you have to give her the gift of missing you". It is a gift. Women (and men) like a challenge, and if its too easy, they get bored. They get bored, they start looking around. 100% of the time.

    Also, check out Corey Wayne on youtube. His stuff is very good and covers these issues in minute detail.


    Corey wayne writes that the woman should do 70-80% of the initiating contact. Please watch some of his videos.

    One last thing. Do NOT tell her you are in therapy - at least not now. And don't apologize either.

  8. #7
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    I just read your other thread.

    In my opinion, you really, really shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone right now. You stated that you're afraid to be alone, that she "abandoned" you, etc. Those are pretty serious statements.

    I'm curious, what was your upbringing like? You seem terrified of being abandoned.

    I also think that it was rude that she completely stood you up. You may feel like you're in "love" with her because she treats you dismissively, and that type of treatment may be what you're familiar with. It's just a guess, I could be completely wrong, but it's something to think about.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member mhowe's Avatar
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    You need to share this info with your therapist. That you have an urge to call her every few MINUTES to see what she is doing is obsessive.

  10. #9
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    I just read the other thread as well.

    This is a code red situation my friend. I'd ask you to think about whether it is fair to someone you "love" to pin all of your happiness on her.

    As I mentioned, I was in a similar, but much less intense, situation where my needines just sort of came through and i lost her. I learned some very valuable lessons that I"m still processing, but at the core is my fear of being alone.


    If you have ANY desire to continue a relationship with her, you need to back off now, figure your stuff out, and completely change your behavior towards her. Do not write her any more texts, do not tell her whats on your mind (other than "I need to have some time to think" if she even asks) Go away. Keep busy. Make her wonder. If you don't i will bet every penny i have that she sends you packing or cheats on you. And trust me, when that happens, you will not be able to function. Seriously.

  11. #10
    Gold Member dreamguy's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pfbsurf
    And guess what? Women can sniff that stuff out no matter how you behave. Trust me.

    But all is not lost. You should back off right now - immediately. I may get some criticism about "game playing" but so what - this stuff works.

    Go silent for a couple of days. Don't be so accessible and don't be a pleaser. Step back. Fake it if you have to. The quote that comes to mind is that "you have to give her the gift of missing you". It is a gift. Women (and men) like a challenge, and if its too easy, they get bored. They get bored, they start looking around. 100% of the time.

    One last thing. Do NOT tell her you are in therapy - at least not now. And don't apologize either.
    Originally Posted by bulletproof
    I also think that it was rude that she completely stood you up. You may feel like you're in "love" with her because she treats you dismissively
    Agree with everything quoted above. The problem is that most needy people get apologetic then they do it again.
    If you had done something wrong, it would be wise to apologize but do NOT apologize for being needy. It would only make things worse.
    Instead do everything you can to back off (immediately, as pfbsurf said). This does not just apply to your current status but it should be your standard behavior from now on when someone takes their distance from you for no obvious valid reason.

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