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I need to be less needy, clingy, and insecure. How?


ManInLove

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A few days ago I started a thread and got some responses that really helped me. Here it is:

 

 

My girlfriend and I have made up last Saturday and went hiking together with a group on Sunday. She also called me Monday like she said that she would, and we texted last night. I feel that she is making the effort to communicate with me, but I am still being insecure.

 

I think that the issue is that I have the urge to be so very needy and clingy in this relationship. I start to worry if I don’t hear from her and I imagine that she doesn’t care or think about me.

 

I had a very serious cause for much stress during the past month: my business has been doing very poorly and I was nearing the point where I couldn’t pay my bills. This has changed Monday as I finally got some great new contracts. I have no more reason to stress over this. Could this stress have contributed to me being so insecure and needy with her?

 

I’m looking for advice on what I can do to not be so clingy and needy. I want to feel and appear confident.

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I also started a thread and got helpful advice. I don't know if I am helping you here, but I was surprised that you worry when you don't hear from her. I thought that happens only with girls. Since I think it's men responsibility to start communicate - why don't you call her or text when you worry. Maybe she is waiting for your call. And think about what exactly make you think that she doesn't care about you. Maybe you are just over thinking because you care about her so much.

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Yes, going through hard financial times could have definitely contributed to your behavior. So take it easy on yourself. Good that you are getting back on your feet and you have new contracts. It's a good thing that you acknowledge being clingy and needy and, as such, it's a great time to radically change your behavior if you don't want to lose this woman (or any other woman for that matter).

 

Being desperate kills the other person's attraction faster than the speed of light. People are attracted to emotionally strong individuals. By that I mean someone who is emotionally independent from them. To explain even further what I mean: Be someone who respects his woman but at the same time demands the same respect in return. Simple, isn’t it ?

To become less clingy start by putting this woman off the pedestal you have placed her on. She is all you have ever dreamed of ? Guess what, she is just another human being like everyone else mate. Give yourself some credit for being an honest guy.

Get yourself a hobby, something that can keep you busy when you feel you are going crazy wondering why she hasn’t called or shown up.

 

One can never be sure but I suspect she doesn’t feel as strongly for you or she is a manipulative person (not saying she necessarily is, but only giving you a heads up) who only meets with you when she is bored or has nothing better to do.

 

Remember “Actions speak louder than words”. She called 2 hours ahead (when I bet she must have already known about her project long before that… if there ever was a project). She said she would call you back the night she cancelled on you yet she didn’t. You texted her and she didn’t get back to you as well.

I don’t know about you but when someone repeatedly flakes out on you it’s a red flag as to how interested/trustworthy they are. Time to start taking some distance and activating your “detective” mind about what’s really going on.

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Therapy will help you get to the root cause of your insecurity. You cannot appear confident unless you are....it is pretty hard to fake.

 

Thanks. I do see a therapist. She has been doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with me and has also instructed me to follow an online CBT program. Yesterday I also contacted a local center regarding group therapy for people who have touble with healthy relationships.

 

...I thought that happens only with girls. Since I think it's men responsibility to start communicate - why don't you call her or text when you worry. Maybe she is waiting for your call. And think about what exactly make you think that she doesn't care about you. Maybe you are just over thinking because you care about her so much.

 

Thanks for your response.

 

Generally I am more of an emotional person than most men, so I tend to respond to situations in more emotionally driven ways. Last night I started our text conversation and she responded right away. I didn't want to try contacting her earlier so I don't seem so needy. I figured that waiting at least 24 hours is good?

 

She is significantly less outwardly emotional than I am. She is a very strong willed and independent individual. Maybe I am so attracted to her because she has these qualities that I wish to have?

 

One can never be sure but I suspect she doesn’t feel as strongly for you or she is a manipulative person (not saying she necessarily is, but only giving you a heads up) who only meets with you when she is bored or has nothing better to do.

 

Remember “Actions speak louder than words”. She called 2 hours ahead (when I bet she must have already known about her project long before that… if there ever was a project). She said she would call you back the night she cancelled on you yet she didn’t. You texted her and she didn’t get back to you as well.

I don’t know about you but when someone repeatedly flakes out on you it’s a red flag as to how interested/trustworthy they are. Time to start taking some distance and activating your “detective” mind about what’s really going on.

 

Thanks for your insights!

 

I think that she doesn't feel as strongly because my feelings for her are off the charts. I'm sure that she is more in control of herself. She does tell me that she is really attracted to me and really cares about me. We never said "I love you" to each other, but at one time she said that the reason that she didn't want a relationship before meeting me was because she wanted to dedicate all of herself to art and didn't have room for love. Now, she said, she feels like she can have her cake and eat it too.

 

She did say that I will have to share her with her art and that she is determined to make it her number one priority no matter what. I want to support her in that. I think that she is very talented and can achieve much. As a creative person I understand the drive and desire to put your art ahead of everything.

 

As far as being manipulative, I don't know. I'm wearing rose colored glasses and can't seem to take them off. I do know that on Thursday she got overwhelmed with what was happening and didn't get to text me til later. When she picked up her phone there were all these needy texts from me and she got upset.

 

I have started working on keeping busy. I've redesigned my workout routine to be more challenging, I joined a hiking club, and I found some new great books to read. In addition, I have been making an effort to spend at least an hour a day working on my writing. Still, when I do these things I constantly think of her. I itch to tell her how much she means to me. I restrain myself from calling her every few minutes to see how she is doing.

 

Are there specific things that I should or shouldn't be saying to her? Last night I asked her to call me today during the daytime, when she does, I plan to ask her out to dinner. Should I give it more time instead? I was also thinking of saying that I've been hard to get along with because of the stress and apologize for that. Is that a wise move?

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Dude, I can totally relate to all of this. Same basic experience recently (great start to relationship, some financial and various stress 6 months in, not a happy ending last month). She fell for me because I was very busy, interesting and fun in the beginning. And there were many times where i just wasn't available.

 

Here is the main problem you have. You cannot really change the way you think about her while you are in the relationship, you can only monitor and control your behavior and actions to make is seem like you aren't needy. This is what I did. In the end it was an emotional drain on me in a huge way. And guess what? Women can sniff that stuff out no matter how you behave. Trust me.

 

And as another poster pointed out here, people are attracted to emotionally strong partners.

 

But all is not lost. You should back off right now - immediately. I may get some criticism about "game playing" but so what - this stuff works.

 

Go silent for a couple of days. Don't be so accessible and don't be a pleaser. Step back. Fake it if you have to. The quote that comes to mind is that "you have to give her the gift of missing you". It is a gift. Women (and men) like a challenge, and if its too easy, they get bored. They get bored, they start looking around. 100% of the time.

 

Also, check out Corey Wayne on youtube. His stuff is very good and covers these issues in minute detail.

 

 

Corey wayne writes that the woman should do 70-80% of the initiating contact. Please watch some of his videos.

 

One last thing. Do NOT tell her you are in therapy - at least not now. And don't apologize either.

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I just read your other thread.

 

In my opinion, you really, really shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone right now. You stated that you're afraid to be alone, that she "abandoned" you, etc. Those are pretty serious statements.

 

I'm curious, what was your upbringing like? You seem terrified of being abandoned.

 

I also think that it was rude that she completely stood you up. You may feel like you're in "love" with her because she treats you dismissively, and that type of treatment may be what you're familiar with. It's just a guess, I could be completely wrong, but it's something to think about.

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I just read the other thread as well.

 

This is a code red situation my friend. I'd ask you to think about whether it is fair to someone you "love" to pin all of your happiness on her.

 

As I mentioned, I was in a similar, but much less intense, situation where my needines just sort of came through and i lost her. I learned some very valuable lessons that I"m still processing, but at the core is my fear of being alone.

 

 

If you have ANY desire to continue a relationship with her, you need to back off now, figure your stuff out, and completely change your behavior towards her. Do not write her any more texts, do not tell her whats on your mind (other than "I need to have some time to think" if she even asks) Go away. Keep busy. Make her wonder. If you don't i will bet every penny i have that she sends you packing or cheats on you. And trust me, when that happens, you will not be able to function. Seriously.

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And guess what? Women can sniff that stuff out no matter how you behave. Trust me.

 

But all is not lost. You should back off right now - immediately. I may get some criticism about "game playing" but so what - this stuff works.

 

Go silent for a couple of days. Don't be so accessible and don't be a pleaser. Step back. Fake it if you have to. The quote that comes to mind is that "you have to give her the gift of missing you". It is a gift. Women (and men) like a challenge, and if its too easy, they get bored. They get bored, they start looking around. 100% of the time.

 

One last thing. Do NOT tell her you are in therapy - at least not now. And don't apologize either.

I also think that it was rude that she completely stood you up. You may feel like you're in "love" with her because she treats you dismissively

 

Agree with everything quoted above. The problem is that most needy people get apologetic then they do it again.

If you had done something wrong, it would be wise to apologize but do NOT apologize for being needy. It would only make things worse.

Instead do everything you can to back off (immediately, as pfbsurf said). This does not just apply to your current status but it should be your standard behavior from now on when someone takes their distance from you for no obvious valid reason.

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Theres nothing wrong with being wrapped up in your GF. But, do back off a bit. I was once the clingy obsessive person in my past relationship. A guy told me to back off, pretend i dont care as much, wait for him to text me not the other way around. And guess what it worked. Tje same goes for women.

 

My current used to be clingy, and questioning everything, its very annoying. Sometimes people are just busy. Step back a bit. Send a txt in the morning saying just thinking aboit you have a great day. Then wait for a few hours. And afew meaning like atleast 4. Lol dont sent txts saying where are you, what are you doing, havmt heart from you. Instead sent txt like have a great day, hope all is well with you. Send i miss yous but not in a manner that youre dying without her.

 

Goodluck.

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I worked on my self-esteem/insecurities two years ago, so it CAN be done. But what you are describing is abandonment, as someone else pointed out. Even though I worked on my self-esteem, it didn't help with my abandonment issues. So I'd suggest working on both. And being COMPLETELY honest with your therapist about EVERYTHING. These issues can be worked on, it's hard work, but SOOO worth it.

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Wow! There are so many responses with such insights. I am truly thankful to you all. I won’t quote individual messages in this post…

 

I do see a therapist regularly and have been for months. I saw her some years ago as well, she helped me fight severe depression and get away from a nearly suicidal state. This time my main issue is my anxiety, but there’s also my fear of abandonment. She is working with me using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, other methods, as well as anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication.

 

I am one hundred percent honest with my therapist. I share every single minute detail. What would be the point otherwise? I am also honest with my girlfriend. I may not volunteer every single bit of information about myself, but I will not hide things from her nor will I make anything up. In my opinion, if lies enter into a relationship, there will be no way back.

 

“bulletproof” asked about my upbringing. I grew up with divorced parents and until age 11 they had a somewhat shared custody. I lived sometimes with my mother, sometimes with my father, sometimes with grandparents. At 11 my father moved overseas and I was taken along. I won’t go into all the details but will say that I had a very abusive step mother there and no support from my father. Luckily I had a loving aunt.

 

In my therapist’s opinion another factor that contributes to my abandonment fears is my very first relationship. It was like a “fairytale” boy meets girl relationship that lasted for a few months and ended in her tragic death. Shortly after that (in my late teens) I left my father and his dysfunctional family and moved overseas (not where my mother lives). I have no family members on this side of the globe and am in very rare contact with those on the other.

 

“pfbsurf’s” point regarding whether it is fair that I pin all my happiness on her reflects what my therapist says. I do think that it is my own responsibility to find happiness, but it’s my tendency to seek it in the arms of the woman that I love. My last relationship of 6 years was with a very needy and clingy woman. We spent almost every waking moment together. There was closeness, but there was no intimacy (emotional or physical) and eventually there was just resentment. I never want to repeat that. I feel that when I’m with my current girlfriend, we are truly emotionally intimate. She has shared some of her innermost fears and some of the most intimate details of her life with me.

 

As far as my girlfriend standing me up, I don’t think that she was intentionally rude. Events outside of her control took place. She apologized. I do believe that she was sincere.

 

Thanks for the advice regarding being apologetic and doing it again. I will refrain from apologizing and instead will make efforts to not be this way. I just want to figure out how.

 

Multiple people suggest backing off. I think that that’s what I’m trying to do. We spoke in the daytime on Monday and I didn’t text her until last night. I will make sure that I don’t try to contact her more often than once a day and if I can, I’ll skip a day. I’ll let her do the calling and I’ll only send brief texts. Does that sound like the right approach?

 

I will definitely check out Corey Wayne when I am home tonight.

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I agree with many response since I have been in your shoes.

 

Honesly; you have to get to a mind set where you can let her go if you have to and get to a point where you attract what you want. I think you don'T feel confident that you deserve her. When you get to a point where you know you deserve and accept everything that is attracted to you; you will be in a better place. I'm in your shoes as well and I know it sucks but you have to really put her off pedestal and realize you come first!

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Last night I asked to call me today in the daytime... It is evening and there has been no call. I'm doing my damnest to resist calling or texting. A friend asked me to go out, but I said no... I should have gone, should have kept my mind off this.

 

Maybe there's a simple explanation. She forgets her phone and other things often... Maybe she really is thinking of me... Oh how I love her. The smile, the voice, the eyes, the way she speaks, the way she touches me, her smell, her taste... I will NOT contact her tonight!

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I do hope for your sake you hear from her. I know how hard it is not to hear from them. Although my partner and I have had some ups and downs lately, (a few threads I have posted lately). This week the communication between us has been a lot better. I took a step back and became less 'needy' and I feel better in myself for doing that. Also he is initiating contact more so now, where I seemed to be doing it before and he is being far more communicative. Let us know how you go.

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I haven't read your other thread yet...

 

but I do know this: you, and only you, can control your actions and emotions. So..when you get anxious...think about why. You're worried she's distancing herself? Anything else...like cheating or her not liking you? When you figure out why, think about if she has given you any cause to feel like that. Is she affectionate? Does she make time for you? Does she prioritize you?

 

Rationality is your friend. Go through everything in your mind until you talk yourself out of the anxiety. Eventually, you'll just believe she's staying and that she cares for you.... and you'll stop freaking out.

 

Give her the benefit of the doubt....always.

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Give her the benefit of the doubt....always.

 

Thank you! She did call me Sunday, and she did text with me last night, so I hope that I didn't scare her away and she does want to work it out and have this relationship. Do you think that I may have scared her away?

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Thank you! She did call me Sunday, and she did text with me last night, so I hope that I didn't scare her away and she does want to work it out and have this relationship. Do you think that I may have scared her away?

 

How long have you been dating her?

 

I need way more communication than my bf. I've told him this...and he does communicate more now....but when he doesn't- I think about him...like...how he always forgets to charge his phone, so it's probably dead...or how he never takes calls or answers texts when he's with me, and he extends that courtesy to everyone...I like that about him. I think about how hard he works..often 14 hour days....and I think about how much time he does make for me...and how when he's in town, he gives me most of his free time. I also think about how he treats me when I'm with him...and how he introduced me to his friends and family...and how he talks about things we'll do in the future.

 

It's funny, I was way more concerned about how he only needs to talk every few days in the beginning...but now...now that I know him...I know everything is fine. I don't worry about it.

 

Have you ever heard the "fake it 'til you make it" idea? That...you tell yourself what you need to hear until you believe it and act accordingly. Do that. Talk yourself into believing that she's legitimately living her life...and that she misses you...and one day, you'll believe it without doubt.

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How long have you been dating her?

 

Have you ever heard the "fake it 'til you make it" idea? That...you tell yourself what you need to hear until you believe it and act accordingly. Do that. Talk yourself into believing that she's legitimately living her life...and that she misses you...and one day, you'll believe it without doubt.

 

We have been dating for a little over two months.

 

I will try to follow your strategy. In the past when she didn't respond it was always due to valid reasons. I was just always insecure. She has never really given me a legitimate reason to doubt her. All the doubts are in my mind. As far as forgetting her phone... This has happened many times. Once she was without it for two days, another time she left it in a friend's car, still a bunch of other times she forgot to charge it. One time I got really upset over that and bought her five chargers to keep at home, at the studio, and with her at all times.

 

One of my friends said that she's "free like the wind" and that I need to accept it and go with the flow... What you're saying is similar, I think.

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She just texted me. Her phone was dead all day and she couldn't call until she got home just now.

 

Faraday has given a very good response there. People on here a quick to give their negative view when they don't know the people and the situation.

 

For the past couple of hours I've been telling myself not to stress and to trust her. Let's see if I can make it days instead of hours. I feel like two men are battling inside me - one who loves, trusts, and respects this woman, and the insecure one who constantly worries. I hope that the second one will get squashed somehow.

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