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Thread: I need to be less needy, clingy, and insecure. How?

  1. #11
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    Theres nothing wrong with being wrapped up in your GF. But, do back off a bit. I was once the clingy obsessive person in my past relationship. A guy told me to back off, pretend i dont care as much, wait for him to text me not the other way around. And guess what it worked. Tje same goes for women.

    My current used to be clingy, and questioning everything, its very annoying. Sometimes people are just busy. Step back a bit. Send a txt in the morning saying just thinking aboit you have a great day. Then wait for a few hours. And afew meaning like atleast 4. Lol dont sent txts saying where are you, what are you doing, havmt heart from you. Instead sent txt like have a great day, hope all is well with you. Send i miss yous but not in a manner that youre dying without her.

    Goodluck.

  2. #12
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    I worked on my self-esteem/insecurities two years ago, so it CAN be done. But what you are describing is abandonment, as someone else pointed out. Even though I worked on my self-esteem, it didn't help with my abandonment issues. So I'd suggest working on both. And being COMPLETELY honest with your therapist about EVERYTHING. These issues can be worked on, it's hard work, but SOOO worth it.

  3. #13
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    Wow! There are so many responses with such insights. I am truly thankful to you all. I wonít quote individual messages in this postÖ

    I do see a therapist regularly and have been for months. I saw her some years ago as well, she helped me fight severe depression and get away from a nearly suicidal state. This time my main issue is my anxiety, but thereís also my fear of abandonment. She is working with me using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, other methods, as well as anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication.

    I am one hundred percent honest with my therapist. I share every single minute detail. What would be the point otherwise? I am also honest with my girlfriend. I may not volunteer every single bit of information about myself, but I will not hide things from her nor will I make anything up. In my opinion, if lies enter into a relationship, there will be no way back.

    ďbulletproofĒ asked about my upbringing. I grew up with divorced parents and until age 11 they had a somewhat shared custody. I lived sometimes with my mother, sometimes with my father, sometimes with grandparents. At 11 my father moved overseas and I was taken along. I wonít go into all the details but will say that I had a very abusive step mother there and no support from my father. Luckily I had a loving aunt.

    In my therapistís opinion another factor that contributes to my abandonment fears is my very first relationship. It was like a ďfairytaleĒ boy meets girl relationship that lasted for a few months and ended in her tragic death. Shortly after that (in my late teens) I left my father and his dysfunctional family and moved overseas (not where my mother lives). I have no family members on this side of the globe and am in very rare contact with those on the other.

    ďpfbsurfísĒ point regarding whether it is fair that I pin all my happiness on her reflects what my therapist says. I do think that it is my own responsibility to find happiness, but itís my tendency to seek it in the arms of the woman that I love. My last relationship of 6 years was with a very needy and clingy woman. We spent almost every waking moment together. There was closeness, but there was no intimacy (emotional or physical) and eventually there was just resentment. I never want to repeat that. I feel that when Iím with my current girlfriend, we are truly emotionally intimate. She has shared some of her innermost fears and some of the most intimate details of her life with me.

    As far as my girlfriend standing me up, I donít think that she was intentionally rude. Events outside of her control took place. She apologized. I do believe that she was sincere.

    Thanks for the advice regarding being apologetic and doing it again. I will refrain from apologizing and instead will make efforts to not be this way. I just want to figure out how.

    Multiple people suggest backing off. I think that thatís what Iím trying to do. We spoke in the daytime on Monday and I didnít text her until last night. I will make sure that I donít try to contact her more often than once a day and if I can, Iíll skip a day. Iíll let her do the calling and Iíll only send brief texts. Does that sound like the right approach?

    I will definitely check out Corey Wayne when I am home tonight.

  4. #14
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    I agree with many response since I have been in your shoes.

    Honesly; you have to get to a mind set where you can let her go if you have to and get to a point where you attract what you want. I think you don'T feel confident that you deserve her. When you get to a point where you know you deserve and accept everything that is attracted to you; you will be in a better place. I'm in your shoes as well and I know it sucks but you have to really put her off pedestal and realize you come first!

  5.  

  6. #15
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    Last night I asked to call me today in the daytime... It is evening and there has been no call. I'm doing my damnest to resist calling or texting. A friend asked me to go out, but I said no... I should have gone, should have kept my mind off this.

    Maybe there's a simple explanation. She forgets her phone and other things often... Maybe she really is thinking of me... Oh how I love her. The smile, the voice, the eyes, the way she speaks, the way she touches me, her smell, her taste... I will NOT contact her tonight!

  7. #16
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    I do hope for your sake you hear from her. I know how hard it is not to hear from them. Although my partner and I have had some ups and downs lately, (a few threads I have posted lately). This week the communication between us has been a lot better. I took a step back and became less 'needy' and I feel better in myself for doing that. Also he is initiating contact more so now, where I seemed to be doing it before and he is being far more communicative. Let us know how you go.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Flyer79
    I do hope for your sake you hear from her. I know how hard it is not to hear from them. .... Let us know how you go.
    Thank you for your encouragement!

  9. #18
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    No worries, I hope it works out for you

  10. #19
    Platinum Member faraday's Avatar
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    I haven't read your other thread yet...

    but I do know this: you, and only you, can control your actions and emotions. So..when you get anxious...think about why. You're worried she's distancing herself? Anything else...like cheating or her not liking you? When you figure out why, think about if she has given you any cause to feel like that. Is she affectionate? Does she make time for you? Does she prioritize you?

    Rationality is your friend. Go through everything in your mind until you talk yourself out of the anxiety. Eventually, you'll just believe she's staying and that she cares for you.... and you'll stop freaking out.

    Give her the benefit of the doubt....always.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by faraday
    Give her the benefit of the doubt....always.
    Thank you! She did call me Sunday, and she did text with me last night, so I hope that I didn't scare her away and she does want to work it out and have this relationship. Do you think that I may have scared her away?

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