is my mother going to die?

She has been hosiptalized for three weeks now with what started off as elevated bilirubine, liver hemangioma, stomach infections and a gall stone. She has aged 20+ years in a matter of days and her weight is dramatically low. We've received her MRI results and it turns out she has a pancreatic tumor, with two more smaller tumors on her abdominal wall. They're going to start her on chemo soon and her test results will be sent to an assessment team at the main state hospital tomorrow, after that they'll decide if and when they'll be cutting her open. It's hard to say whether it's malignant judging by the tests she's had so far but her clinical picture is quite bad at the moment. I live on the coast at the other end of the country and she'd have to travel far inlands for chemo several times a week. Depending on how the chemo works and what else her doctors find out I may have to move back home temporarily as i imagine she'll probably need some assistance. I moved out early because she's been an alcoholic narcissist, her drinking has subsided in the past year but character-wise she's still difficult, controlling and manipulative. Still, I think i might have to go back home, if not to live wit her then find some way to at least stay as often as i can. We have no other living relatives anywhere near.

Statistics are not in our favor, I'm just hoping God is.

I don't know what type the tumor is and they haven't so far taken a sample from her neck to see if it has spread but her lungs were okay on the MRI.

We've had a horrible relationship always but I love her to bits and cannot imagine losing her. Have had a horrible gut feeling for months though, it's as if she's only physically present but I don't really "feel" her, dunno if that makes sense but it's like her soul is gone.

She looks like death too and is otherwise a beautiful youthful woman. She's 57.

I'm falling apart I can't possible have her die jeezus i don't even know why i'm writing this or how anyone can help but i'm totally losing it now.

My own health is crap and i feel guilty for whining about it now that she's...probably...dying. She can't die. I cannot come to terms with this, cannot calm down or think straight.

If anyone has suggestions, esp for alternative treatments they're more than welcome.

I cannot tell you if she will be ok but even as a stranger I can really hope, with all my heart, that she will !

Having lost both parents I know it's not easy at all. I first lost my father in 2009. My mother passed away less than 3 months ago. She also started gradually losing weight until she became a living skeleton. I was not on very good terms with my parents but I loved them a lot nevertheless.

The only thing I can say is that when we lose someone dear, we must always find the strength to endure through the pain. That’s what they would want us to do… to go on with our life.

We never forget them, we just learn to live with their absence. No matter what we do or think, we cannot be prepared for a moment like this. We can only feel it when it happens. As the saying goes "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have".

If I may give you a modest advice... if your mother is still conscious and she can still hear you then, by all means, let her know how much you love her and be there for her as much as you humanly can.

There might be a day when you will want to tell her how much you love her and you won't be able to after she is gone. The pain will be much worse when there's also a regret of not having been there for someone and made sure they knew how dear they are to us.

A hemangioma is a benign tumor... it is possible that these are benign tumors if they haven't actually biopsied them. And if she's an alcoholic, then it could explain the elevated bilirubin and some of the other issues as alcoholics do cause all kinds of problems in their livers and pancreas from drinking rather than cancer. Everything you describe there (hemangioma, gallstones, infections, pancreas issues) can all be strictly related to alcoholism and a result of it. She may have just finally drunk herself into a physical state that required hospitalization, and when they put her thru the tests, they discover these effects of alcoholism all at once.

Have you gotten these results directly from her doctor, or is this her interpretation of what is going on? It is highly possible that her drinking has triggered a crisis of some kind which may or may not be cancerous but will require treatment. If your mother is manipulative and a known alcoholic, then you will want to talk to her doctor's directly to get information on what is going on and what their treatments are. Many people hear 'growth' or 'tumor' and assume cancerous origins, when that may not be the case at all.

This could be a blessing in disguise in that it could snap her out of the drinking and get her to stop, and she might be able to recover and live a healthier life if this scares her out of the drinking. The doctors will not tolerate drinking in the hospital and will probably detox her before they begin chemo if it is cancer. So this could be a wake up call she needs, and it is not necessarily cancer as an alcoholic can trash their body and cause all kinds of issues (as well as the possibility of benign tumors). So don't assume this is a death sentence unless all the results are in, and you have talked to the doctors personally to get their interpretation of what is going on with your mother.

I am very sorry for your pains, Rainy..

I cannot offer much more than what has already been mentioned above ^^.

Yes, it is very hard to accept when a loved one is suffering.

You'll do what you can for her BUT also remember to take care of yourself thru this. You can only do so much.

Just to be there for you mom, I'm sure she is appreciative of that, though may not say so out loud.

I worked 3 yrs as a support worker and I saw a lot. It was difficult but i learned a lot and went thru many experiences working with elderly, ill, etc.

It is not easy, that's for sure. Do be careful that you, yourself do not get too dragged down in this.

Like I said, the above replies are good info. Coming from two different aspects.

You do not know everything yet, so go with it and deal with it.. one day at a time.

NEVER blame yourself though, for anything your mother has done. We all have our own life and we're responsible for all we do. Cannot blame anyone else.

take care of yourself...

Thinking of you.

thank you dreamguy, I'm hoping she has a chance still, it's so hard to think about losing her, I cannot imagine the strength and humility it must have taken you to get through that, respect. I will probably keep posting as the treatment goes on and would appreciate if you could find the time to throw in your two cents when i have more info, having already gone through this with your own folks. Goes for everyone else with experience too, it's much appreciated.

Lavender dear, i think i may have worded my post wrong, sorry, i'm so confused now. She hasn't been drinking this past year apart from two occasions. But yes, it's a miracle the drinking hasn't done any noticeable damage sooner. The hemangioma are in her liver, she has had one before but now she has many. I know they're supposed to be benign tumors. The actual tumor is in her pancreas, about an inch long, it's on the tail. There are two other tumors on her peritoneum, they're smaller. My current understanding is that means they're metastases? I'm now also starting to wonder whether perhaps her doc could have misinterpreted her scans and what he thought were liver hemangioma might be more metas but i'm prolly just panicky, he should know, right? He doesn't seem eager to perform surgery but rather chemo. He's waiting on the assessment team and their further suggestions. I don't yet know why he won't operate, that is, i don't know whether it's too big, or because of the tumors on the perineum or whether there are nerves and blood vessels involved. I don't know the type or classification of the tumor and am really hoping it's not the adenocarcinoma, although she LOOKS like she needs a tombstone and that scares me beyond words. My mother has always been youthful and vibrant, even when sick, I just know this isn't like her at all. I'm seeing the doc in person on thursday, i was unable to reach him today, the nurses are unwilling to give an explanation and he's absent tomorrow, (although i will try calling).as soon as she gets an oncologist i'm seeing that one too.

She weighs less than a skinny teen but so far there's not much fluid retention in her stomach which i hope is a good sign.

The idea of her dying is just devastating, i feel guilt ridden for having stressed both me and her over my own health and problems and i'm caught in that train of thought "god spare her, i'll take the cancer if that's what it takes" despite knowing full well what a futile and ridiculous way to deal with it that is. i just have no healthy response to this. Pancreatic cancer is quick and only 2-3% of patients live for another 5 years. I'm just hoping they tell us it's actually benign and the thingies on the peritoneum turn out to be cysts or something.

dreamguy mum still hears me and talks. she's very tired but still lucid and trying to play brave. what hurt the most today was she was reassuring me she'd fight to get as much time as she can so she could be of use to me. that's horrible, like, live and give your all for your kid and then die exhausted after having given all, i don't want that, i want the fullness of life for HER, not her sacrifice for me to the very end. Can't wait to see her thursday, will be with her as much as possible and will move back home temporarily if needed. I definitely want to be of help as much as possible. i might have to pop a sedative before seeing her, i know i'm gonna feel like crying but she's trying to be brave and i don't want to discourage her.

thank you so so much SooSad! still hoping there's a chance it's not that bad..

oh, in case a medical worker drops by-

i was wondering, if the doctor suspects it's benign, therefore an alcoholism related pseudocyst (she does not have pancreatitis and is only slightly jaundiced, her liver enzymes are elevated but i don't know which ones and i don't have the info of her cancer markers yet)- why would he mention chemo?

will post back when i have her doc's direct opinion, i think he's expecting the assessment team to suggest ERCP first. She hasn't had PET or EUS yet, only CT (showed a mass on her pancreas but at that time they suspected it's just a cyst and were more worried about her liver due to elevated bilirubine, must have been around 30 i think) and MRI, the last suggests pancreatic tumor.

shoot dammit, i just desperately want to believe it's not the C word.

Try to stay calm... you don't know it's cancer yet. And alcoholics are known to get extremely thin and sallow have these kinds of issues with the various organs affected by alcohol abuse, even if not actively drinking, it is the cumulative effects.

Being the child of an alcoholic, have you read any books on co-dependency and boundaries? I know this is hard, but you can make it easier for yourself (and better for your mother) if you do some reading on that and learning how to not overreact and make her problems your problems. We all must deal with losing a parent someday, and right now, her issues may be alcohol related and you need to try to calm down so you can talk to the doctors rationally and not act like she's dying tomorrow when she isn't. If you're calm, it will help her stay calm too.

You also need to make it very clear to all her doctors that she is an alcoholic with long term drinking issues if she hasn't informed all of them herself, since that may impact their evaluations and treatments. Many alcoholic will lie and minimize the extent of their drinking.

I am so sorry to hear about your mom, Rainy. My dad is dying and I have a bad relationship with my dad. It is really hard. You are torn by love and bad memories. I understand.

i know. but at this point i want to be there for her- i moved out aged 18 and rarely see her otherwise precisely because boundaries were necessary. If these are indeed her last days i don't want to let her deal with it alone just because she's been an alcoholic. I still love her. And she's eager to live a healthier life style- if she gets a second chance at it. While i don't want to play victim the last thing i'd want is to let her die alone. I want to see how she does on chemo first, if the nausea is bad i don't want her to be alone all the time, she'd have to take the train (she doesn't drive and i'm not allowed to anymore due to neurological issues that sometimes cause me seizures but my partner drives and so far he has been going to hospital visits with me), i'm worried if it's very exhausting she may not be up to it on her own. But there's different types of chemo i hear and some have relatively bearable side effects so she may be fine going there and back on her own while i make sure to visit frequently. You're right, it might still turn out to be benign i guess, I'll need to hear from doc first.

You would be absolutely amazed at the support systems hospitals and clinics have for cancer patients (if this indeed turns out to be cancer). They have support groups, people who drive them to and from treatments, people who sit with them during treatments, people to help them out in their homes etc., mostly volunteers and free. So your mother absolutely will not be alone for a moment unless she wants to be.

If you feel it is the right thing to do, then by all means plan on being there, but make sure you don't neglect your own physical and mental health and your ability to support yourself financially during this time. So I suggest if you go to the hospital, also start investigating other resources they offer (if the diagnosis is cancer) to be able to get your mother additional support and not totally disrupt your life if you need to work to support yourself.

Thank you Victoria, I'm glad someone's familiar with the feeling although I do wish your dad was doing better

For me, i have been removed from the abuse for so long that i don't really have much resentment left and although i have chosen to take care of my own life at a safe distance from her i do understand what drove her to behaving like she did so i think i've been pretty forgiving about that and we've had a better relationship this past year, esp with her drinking having subsided.

I would hate parting with her this way, i always thought she'd live long, it's incredible how through the years she has drank but remained in good health and then wham..If she is leaving, i don't want resentment there in her last days, i don't care what she's done before, she didn't deserve this and it tears me to see this happening.

I pray your dad's last days are calm and peaceful Vic, and as stress free for you and the family as possible (i know that sounds so hard though). Funny how at the end no matter what you just want the best for them..To think of the times i slammed the phone down thinking evil thoughts when she really hit a nerve. i really wish i hadn't.

lavender, they don't here, two of my coworkers drove to the capital several times a week on their own for chemo but i'm investigating into any different options, perhaps we're suitable for some kind of alternative since i'm ill and can't drive myself. there's also always a chance they'll only start her on Ivs and she'd take the pills at home herself after that or perhaps i could make an arrangement with her own doc in her town to have the IVs administered at her doc's office, i don't know whether that's ever done but no harm in asking, right?. i'll inquire into any helpful options, i do know i need to take care of my own well being now.

Ask the hospital for volunteer services... some people never ask...