Ultimatum....

Has anyone actually successfully gotten what they wanted when trying to set a ultimatum that they no longer be friends with there ex or their ex's family?

Does anybody feel or have you felt like .....It's just never gonna go away, that person is always gonna pop up no matter how well your relationship is going?

I am feeling that way and just need some help with it. I am now a couple weeks, maybe a month or so pregnant. When I first let him know, we both knew exactly when we conceived and that I was for certain pregnant. I only went off of 2 of those early detection test u buy at the drug store. We knew the day it happened, I should of taken the day after pill, but I kinda wanted it to be....This is the 2nd time he has gotten me pregnant, the first time it happened, him and I were not together, he was with her, the ex ..... So I aborted my unborn and felt terrible about it for months....and eventually it faded away some and I was able to move on. It feels like the moment I moved on, him and I hooked up again... He stayed in my life for a couple weeks then faded... We went No Contact at all for about 6 or so months.... And then we hooked up again in another state that he was working in... He once again stopped talking to me, and then I emailed him one day telling him I'd like to forget about the past and have a clean start. We started back dating again in Feb and currently, we are in a pretty wobbly state ....because of the unexpected, pregnancy. His first reaction was "I knew you should of take that pill"...His 2nd reaction was, "What do you want to do?" And then when we got in person about it, he told me he is okay with having it, if I really want this baby, we will do it the right way, get married, live together......."You get the picture?".....Well the marriage proposal never came, and he started fading emotionally from me, sex became less than it was, conversations seemed "less than they were..." And I told him..... I know he must be feeling some type of way...He told me, he really just isn't ready financially, and feels like he has no money to be the provider at this point in time and basically started painting a pretty picture once again about how when we are financially set, we can have as many babies as I want, and I would basically be the susie homemaker type of wife.

Then started talking about aborting , or taking the pill..... I got really upset, started crying and then he took it back what he said. He told me that is just how he feels, he is afraid he will resent me for having this baby before either of us are ready and our relationship will fall apart over money issues. He doesn't want me to leave him for another man and collect child support from him and be bitter to one another..... He wants two houses first, and to make 10k a year or more.....

He told me he takes it back, if I want this baby, he takes it all back, yet...Now we have gotten into several fights over his ex gfs, Not just ONE, but TWO....The one is hideous and not pretty as me, heavy, overweight.....not really worried, but my horomones and self esteem are going HAYWIRE right now. I am not going to go over the details, but basically the other ex.....They are financially linked, now dealing with lawyer stuff over an accident, he's trying to get the car totalled so he doesnt have to worry about paying car ins on it any longer, and she is trying to sue for physical damage to her body, and her having some sort of head trauma.... They are in it together tho, which I am just so uneasy about. I freaked out on him about it. He told me prior to meeting up with her and the lawyer that he would be there with her and everything, but it didn't sit well, and it's not sitting well still. I blew up and texted him a bunch like 12 text or something, called him like 6 times.....Then when he called me that very night, he let me know "his phone died.." And that he was done with meeting up with everyone and on his way home..... I blew up on him and told him I don't want them to be friends..... He told me "yeah because you decide who I can and can't be friends with...?" and he is be like....so uncoroportive. I am going to talk to him today or tomorrow and let him know, I know it's for business purposes and that you have financial ties to her, but can you please not have dinner with her and her family and be friends? You can be friendly, but please keep in business professional only?..........Am I worrying over nothing? I don't think so.....They do have a past....They were together for way longer than him and I have ever lasted for. We are barely hanging on by a threat.....Then this happens......

A friend of mine thinks it's best I not have the baby, abort it and move on for good, never to look back at him again.... But, it's really not what I want to do. I am trying to be non-chalant and not start anymore fights with him....Maybe even go No Contact for a little bit?......I just don't know if he will cool down and let me know that he understands how I feel and will honor my "small request" or if he will just disappear even further......We practically are broken up over all the yelling I did at him yesterday and texting!............. I did ask him to come over when I called this afternoon on a lunch break, and he told me he will prob be working til late, so i asked him to still come over after?.....And he said "i don't know yet...and I let him know how I am sorry for texting him so much and going crazy, he didn't really forgive me or anything, just said "Ill see ya..".... I want to call him now that I am off work and at home, but kinda want him to do some of the reaching out, especially since I went so crazy yesterday...... : /

I am at a loss....Any advise would be great.. Thanks lots...

Of course you're feeling a bit "crazy". You have a lot going on right now. I don't even really know what to say that could be helpful. I think NC is probably a good idea. It'll also give you time to figure out what you want to do about everything. Seeing a therapist for a bit may be a good idea, too. I do know that as far as his behavior, a baby won't fix it. In fact it seems most people who are already uncertain and distant become more uncertain and distant with the added stress of a baby.

I'm really sorry you're going through all this. Hugs to you!

Ultimatums do not work. He has stated his point on things and how he truly feels about the different struggles you now face with each other. If you don't agree, then you don't agree. Even if he gives in and stops contact, he'll end up resenting you for (in his eyes) taking away control from yet another aspect of his life

The answer isn't making him cease contact with her. It's finding the courage within yourself to be stronger and trust his word. So your mind isn't tortured by things out of your control. Give him the space he needs and stop with the arguments. Giving an ultimatum could be the final straw for him before he ends things indefinitely

very tough situation. if he is going to do the right thing for you and the baby, then he will. but be prepared that he wont. I think you have bigger fish to fry. I am totally sympathetic to how hard this must be for you. but for now, you and baby are priority. If you keep the baby make SURE you are prepared to give him or her a loving home, or adoption, or whatever. I would say the guy right now is the least concern. Take care of you...stress not good for baby. Good luck. You are going through a tough time...hang in there

Please understand that what I am about to say is not to be mean... it's to make sure that you are making decisions from a position of strength, not weakness.

You need to understand (and plan for) the idea that if you have this baby, there is, like, a 95% chance that you will be a single mother. Even in marriages - usually people who have dated a while and have a solid relationship and a firm commitment - only about 50% of those work out. You are both starting out on a very shaky foot and that means very tough times ahead. In addition to the 'normal' stresses of a relationship, you won't really have the 'honeymoon' phase to fall back on, he's already talking about financial stresses, there will be a baby immediately (babies are huge stresses on relationships)... it's just... tough. Throw in a couple of exes... jeez...

I think the exes are the least of your worries, to be honest.

Did you say that he is not even making $10k/year? I mean... I live in a high cost of living area... and I know there are a lot of places that are a lot cheaper... but quick math - minimum wage here is about $10/hr. So here, that means he'd be working part-time at minimum wage. You can't raise a baby on that. Not even close. Have you done a budget with him? I think this would be a good start. He will see that you are hearing his concerns and working them through together would be helpful.

I think if he sees you working through things realistically, he may be more confident about committing.

... and same goes with the ex and the lawyer thing... while I agree that he shouldn't be going for dinner... you can't be blowing up his phone when he's with a lawyer.

IMO, I think you should forget about the exes for a while, stop talking about "dreams" about how you would like things to be, and start figuring out what it will take to make all that happen.

... I have a feeling that if you do this, the ex problem will resolve itself (either he will get serious too or will completely check out if he thinks it's unrealistic)

Mr. Hot and Cold is probably not going to be your husband, maybe for a little bit if he goes through with it, but I don't think it'll last... there seems like a lot of red flags.

You are in a tough place, and no one can tell you what to do...but I think possibly therapy is a good idea to figure out the best course of action. I don't think he is ready to be with you, and with his hot and cold behavior I wouldn't put much merit to his words anymore

ultimatums never work, also talking down his ex and saying you are much prettier is petty imo, love isn't about looks!

i have a strong feeling that you were/are trying to trap him with this pregancy seeing as it is shaky and always has been, it was never a full committed and loving faithful relationship on his part

and you don't want to lose him so you tried this, is my idea, and if that is even remotely the case then that will never work and he will start to resent you....

i don't think this relationship was solid enough to bring a baby into this world, be prepared to be a single mom!

don't mean to offend you but this is the feeling i get from your previous threads and now this development....

Red Dress... I am feeling the same way you are mentioning. And just lastnight, even after our huge fight the day before, he came over and was sweet and the kind man I know.... I do think if I decide to sit down with him and work out the math, he might start realizing I am serious about us and having this baby, if we do, which is still up in the air...... The idea of the ex's being gone for good is zero percent in my mind tho. I wish I could believe she'd disappear, but I do not believe she will. His mom is already talking about wanting to hang out with her once she moves back....... He is actually going to leave state for his goal in employment,....., and I am confidant and so is he, that he will be able to do it and get a job and everything.... You can make a lot doing what he is planning to do, 100k a year...His goal is to make at least 10k..... Right now he was only bringing in 40k minus tax and everything 35k bring home, so he is def stressing, actually quit his job he's been working at for the last 8 years....he has credit card debt, but who doesn't?.... He's barely making it, yet still has side jobs he is doing to bring in income....

I am trying to be optimistic, just last night...we did cuddle and he put his hand on my stomach and rested it there for a minute, then snuggled behind me with his pillow....it felt like he might be coming around? Usually in the past..... He would stay away for days sometimes before talking to me again, hanging out with me , after a fight like that.

I don't know, everyone who has commented has legit reasoning behind their beliefs ....

Sara-Pezzini- I am not trying to talk down his ex...it's his ex prior to the one he was with, which the relationship went on for like 7 years...She has a lot on me , time-wise? Happiness wise, I don't know, but he told me he feels like he should of gotten out a long time ago, yet kept on keeping on....... I was talking about an ex prior to her that wants construction work done from him, and I just wasn't feeling comfortable...When him and I first started dating, she texting him some obscene things, and I can never erase that from my memory.....We had a fight and during that point, I was very very weak and forgave him within minutes of freaking out. I actually chased after him after telling him to leave and sat with him in his truck and we made up ...

And to whoever said I did this on purpose? No I didn't do this on purpose.... It happened out of irresponsibility and disbelief I needed the day-after pill, so I did avoid buying the pill when he mentioned he thinks he might of "inside me..."..... We both kinda knew it was a possibility but neither of us really spoke up or did anything....a week or 2 later, boom....Pregnant.... It all could have been avoided, but we are adults and should deal with it, either way.... We aborted our first one, and I just feel weird about doing it to our 2nd.....I feel like I am ready to take on whatever is thrown at me, and I am responsible with money, I don't really binge shop, or party hard or do any of the stuff that made me "not ready" prior..... We are committed to eachother, but do have things we need to get past...Will we is the question?

I think...and know deep down in my heart he may actually love me and not just say it, but actually feel it.... But he also is afraid to let himself feel that much because we fight so often and it's over silly things, mostly me being insecure about other girls.... I have tried my best to cut it out...But the green eyed monster is never entirely gone. ...

Just trying to figure things out...I am about a 1 month in.......him and I have been through the honey mood stage, for about 3 or 4 months....We were moving into talking about being serious and living together and baby names, stuff like that..... We were "emotionally" ready....It's just the financial aspect that is scaring us both, Him more than me........

we fight so often and it's over silly things, mostly me being insecure about other girls.... I have tried my best to cut it out...But the green eyed monster is never entirely gone. ...

 

We were "emotionally" ready......

When reading past threads and now this one, I don't think this relationship, or either of you are ready for the responsibilities that come with having a child. At best, this relationship is on the dysfunctional/toxic side (imo). I also disagree that you two are emotionally ready for a baby. When a couple fight so often over silly things it is NOT a good environment to bring up a child. You BOTH would probably benefit from some couples counseling at the very least.

there is a huge difference between being in the infatuation stage and talking baby names, to actually have the responsibility of being parents and i don't think this relationship is stable and mature enough to be ready for the kind of commitment and if it stays this rocky and toxic, then that is no good environment to bring up a baby and the child will suffer because of it.....

The good news is I am still very early into this pregnancy and can end it.... Just kind of going back and forth on the whole thing. I think he's coming around..... He texted me goodnight , which doesn't seem like a big deal to most people but this man don't text.... When he use to text was in the honey mood stage..... So I don't know. I think I am going to try to stay grounded as much as possible, take care of myself, my health, and see if he brings up the topic again or not.....If he doesn't I know he wants me to still get rid of it, but if he does bring it up , we might have it, who knows? As far as going to counceling? I don't think he'd agree to doing that....

How long are you going to wait after him to make a decision about your pregnancy?

Are you sure you can handle the impacts of a second abortion knowing how difficult the first one was?

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Not much longer... I went through more trauma losing him after doing the abortion, than doing the actual abortion.... Him and I are going to be okay this time around, I know it....I am pretty sure I am going to go through with the abortion, than that way at least if we don't work out, we won't be stuck with each other hating life...you know?

I gotta do whats best for us....

Babys can wait...I don't want him to be miserable or feel more stress just because I couldn't wait...and be patient....

Sad, but.....feel relieved by my decision...Just need to figure out if I can still take the pill one month in...... I won't be able to take the pill until next Friday...I shoulda planned in this Friday, but...wasn't 100% decided yet....

If you do go ahead with an abortion, then please make sure to get yourself on the Pill or some other form of contraceptives so as to prevent this happening a third time.

I agree....I don't think the pill but I will buy condoms!

I agree....I don't think the pill but I will buy condoms!

You have to use the condoms every time. No exceptions. And he should get used to pulling out for good measure.

Thanks...I agree... Still so undecided.. I might be carrying twins......gonna go see a doctor sometime next week, if not next week, def the week after.....

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so curious what you were going to say...lol!!

>> We are committed to eachother, but do have things we need to get past...Will we is the question?

Umm no. You have been writing about this guy for a long time, and he has NEVER been without at least 2 women at the same time and you continue to see him even though he has shown that he is a liar, unfaithful, disrepectful, non-committal etc. He'll say ANYTHING at all but you can't believe any of it.

You are beating a dead horse here. This guy will stick around and bang you (and lots of other women) as long as you let him, but he's never going to actually DELIVER on his promises... he never does, or it only lasts for a short while. And OF COURSE he's talking to an ex.. he never quite breaks up with anyone and keeps all of you on tap for attention and sex and plays musical chairs with all of you.

I think if you are going to keep this baby it is with the awareness that he's never going to be your husband whether you have this baby or not. Or he might be, for about 10 minutes until he gets bored changing diapers then he's off to some other woman's house.

Really, you need to get therapy to understand why you keep going back to this guy and let yourself get pregnant by him. We all have hopes and dreams, but again and again, he has shown you he is not monogamous nor really interested in a permanent relationship with anyone. So round and round you go. You need to look at the reality, look at his actions, look at his pattern, which is never being faithful to anyone, and never sticking in a stable relationship at all because he's always got at least 2 women on the string at the same time. It's all drama, smoke, and mirrors.

So unless you are happy with the idea of being a single mother and raising your child alone while this child spends weekends with various other women who happen to be his current GF, then don't have it.

Pretty much what lavender said . I've been following this story of a long time (since 2009...OP you have wasted 5 years on this guy) and I doubt the OP will ever get away from this guy. She enjoys the drama to much. The only thing I would add is this:

Bringing a baby into this unstable, unhealthy, back and forth relationship is the hight of selfishness.

EDIT: Child do not ask to be born into this world and once they are here YOUR wants/needs not longer matter. You have decided to be obsessed with this guy to the point of major depressive episodes and if I recall correctly there was even a time when you started abusing medication because of the emotional turmoil from this "relationship".

Child NEED stability. Doesn't matter if you are single parent, two-parent, have grandma raising the kid, what matters is that home and primary caregivers are healthy and stable. So, if you have this baby that means you MUST NEVER be in a relationship with this man ever again. If you choose to be in a relationship with him after the baby is born it just means that you are not only willing to sacrifice your own well-being for him but also your childs. AGain, that would be the hight of selfishness.

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Really, you need to get therapy to understand why you keep going back to this guy and let yourself get pregnant by him. We all have hopes and dreams, but again and again, he has shown you he is not monogamous nor really interested in a permanent relationship with anyone.

^^ This is on point!

OP, you are putting yourself at risk when you have unprotected sex with him. He is sleeping with others which can spread around STDs. If you catch a bad strain of HPV it can destroy you fertility down the road, for when you want a planned pregnancy. And also, repeated abortions (should you go through with this one) is putting a lot of stress on your body. You owe it to yourself to be more careful about preventing unwanted pregnancies.

Emotionally, you are putting yourself through a lot of heartache by remaining attached to him. This guy is NOT good for you.

He may not be 100% good for me, but he treats me better than 99.9% of the people in my life aside from my immediate family.... My friends aren't really friends, they just want to get something out of u. I feel like him and I, our souls are attracted to each other, so regardless of our fights, we tend to make up and move on.... It's just I know I have some changes within myself that I need to make if I ever want to be with him for the long hall. And wow.....Its been 5 years?...thats sad but I don't know if I'd do much differently, I am glad he's in my life?

Maybe I am just a under experienced confused lady who's in for more emotional heart break.... I just keep doing it to myself, so I guess I can't really ask for help if it happens again. I do not plan to have the child tho, neither of us are ready or prepared for it. Him and I have our issues that we need to get past prior to planning a child into this world. I will feel bad for a while after my abort; but it's better than making the child miserable for 18+ years.... We do plan on using protection. We have discussed staying together..... I know we were irresponsible, and I believe we have finally learned our lesson it that....

And I know i am putting myself at risk.... I just want to believe him when he tells me he is not having sex with anyone else but me since him and I have been together 5 or so months ago..... I don't know for a fact, and I guess that's where Trust comes into play....

I just want to believe in unicorns. But all available evidence point to the contrary.

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Okay whatever.. We are once again getting nowhere because people and there biased opinions on who he is.... I am saying straight up that I have the problems with trust, and for good reason, but from the reconciliation; I did tell him I wanted to forget about the past..... He has done things that has caused me to bring it back up, but it wasn't on purpose, it was because he has baggage he can't just let go of because of responsibilities he took on prior to our reconciliation... "hints" the car insurance payment.....

I know what I need to do , I just was hoping there was someone on here that could help encourage us to get back to the healthy side of our relationship because there was a time when we were very much in love and happy...the baby complicated things, him quitting his job after 8 yrs of working there, his finance situation...and many other factors.....

I have given him chances to break it off if he just doesn't feel he is ready to commit, each and every time, he tells me it's not that, I just need to learn to trust him more.... He ask's me "what I want him to do..." and tried to resolve the conflict...But a lot of the time, it's me blowing up on him because the ex gf is in the picture, which just hurts.....but over all, reading all of the people who post comments on my post are not helping, they are just making things worse than they previously were in my mind....

Maybe I do need counseling, but really, I just need a friend.... Apparently this isn't the place to find that type of of unbiased advise....