Would you say this is abusive behaviour?

My ex boyfriend kicked my doors when I didn't respond to texts after a night out.i was asleep and he came in the house tried to fix the door and left before I woke.he also threw a can at the wall when he said I spilt drink on him,accidentally I did.and another night after a I wouldn't let him in I woke to find my car tyre flat. I suspected him.would you say this is abusive behaviour? I dumped him over it but now I'm questioning myself because I feel like I love him.he tried to get back to me recently after 2 months but now he says he wants to be on his own because his head is full of stuff. I feel sad and I don't know if I did the right thing.or how to get him back.do you think he is just making an excuse not to be with me?he said also I acted like I didnt want him around. I don't know what to do.

If you don't consider kicking a door and throwing cans at the wall abusive behaviour, something is very wrong with your perspective.

The good news is that he hasn't taken out his anger physically on you. If I'm honest I've done similar things but when a partner has deliberately trying to provoke a shouting match. As an outside observer, I don't know the full reason you split from him but I can tell you that his latest bout of anger is because you dumped him. I'm certainly NOT suggesting that he didn't deserve to be dumped but in his mind he feels aggrieved.

When I had my biggest (marriage) break-up ages ago, I turned quite nasty because I was fighting the break but, of course, I was directing my anger at the person I wanted to stay with me.

It's up to you whether you talk to him. I would be dubious but I feel sure he wouldn't be this angry if you hadn't split with him and yes the break-up is what has filled his head with "stuff".

Good luck.

Stay out of this relationship. No wavering.

Well he doesn't seem angry now,just kind if cold to me.i just can't see how he would want to come back,or strongly seem so to me,and now iv reciprocated he won't.i guess il have to leave it now and see if he tries further down the line.just we've been split 3months now so can it go much further. I just feel like I did the wrong thing ending it.iv told him I love him and now nothing.but I guess he'll behave the same way anyway people don't change.just feel so bad.

But I guess the behaviour of his want good at all and I ended it cos I had to repair my door and I don't want to let someone damage my home.

Stay out of this relationship. No wavering.

Property destruction can be a sign of things to come. It also can be a way for someone to scare you or warn you what he/she is capable of. You don't need that in your life.

My experience is that people CAN change their behaviour, although they cannot change the emotions that drive that behaviour. Maybe it is possible to alter someone's emotions with appropriate treatment but I really don't have enough experience of it to comment.

I would suggest that he has enough control over his behaviour not to physically hit you directly but, of course, you may always be caught by something on the rebound.

I would suggest EXTREME caution if you have any ideas of getting back with him, whether you love him or not.

Property destruction can be a sign of things to come. It also can be a way for someone to scare you or warn you what he/she is capable of. You don't need that in your life.

It CAN be a sign of things to come OR it might not go further. As an example, my wife and I simply do not spark each other off they way we did years ago, so things are a lot more peaceful. Many angry men claim that they only do things because their partners "push their buttons". No excuse for bad behaviour but there are people around who don't just express anger but verbally try to hurt as much as possible. This isn't right either.

It CAN be a sign of things to come OR it might not go further.

Yes, that's why I said "can."

"My ex boyfriend kicked my doors when I didn't respond to texts after a night out.i was asleep and he came in the house tried to fix the door and left before I woke.he also threw a can at the wall when he said I spilt drink on him,accidentally I did.and another night after a I wouldn't let him in I woke to find my car tyre flat. I suspected him."

-For you to mention all of this, I'd assume you also pick up it's not right or normal...

" now he says he wants to be on his own because his head is full of stuff" Leave him there.

Yes, that's all abuse/control.

It CAN be a sign of things to come OR it might not go further. As an example, my wife and I simply do not spark each other off they way we did years ago, so things are a lot more peaceful. Many angry men claim that they only do things because their partners "push their buttons". No excuse for bad behaviour but there are people around who don't just express anger but verbally try to hurt as much as possible. This isn't right either.

This is the exact same thing my now ex boyfriend, who lashed out to me, said to me.

The EXACT same thing and I strongly disagree.

I did verbally 'attack' him, by telling him that his behaviour was childish and by telling him he was too drunk and saying other things I can't even remember, I'm not an insulting kind of fighter so I don't use swear words because I believe that is verbal abuse, but you see,

if you excuse any type of aggression with 'don't push my buttons' or say that being verbally hurting isn't 'right either'

the power is with the aggressor for the second time.

The first time because you scare the other person with aggression and the second time by claiming you can decide what the other person says or not. Otherwise you 'might lash out'.

It is a subtle twisting technique and it isn't right.

Damaging property yesterday, damaging your face tomorrow if you hang around. Failure to manage anger is a deal breaker for me.

Yes, this is definitely abusive behaviour and does not sound like the sort of person you could be in a healthy relationship with. You did the right thing by breaking it off - stick to that decision.

"My ex boyfriend kicked my doors when I didn't respond to texts after a night out.i was asleep and he came in the house tried to fix the door and left before I woke.he also threw a can at the wall when he said I spilt drink on him,accidentally I did.and another night after a I wouldn't let him in I woke to find my car tyre flat. I suspected him."

-For you to mention all of this, I'd assume you also pick up it's not right or normal...

 

" now he says he wants to be on his own because his head is full of stuff" Leave him there.

Yes, that's all abuse/control.

So you think this new stance of his about being in his own with his head full of stuff is just a way of him abusing me somehow? He is usually a nice caring person and that's why I still care for him.its just so hard. I will not contact him again...

Abusive, violent, threatening, damaging, psychotic, unhinged - those are the words floating in my head as I read your post. Those are the kinds of things you stay far far away from and keep out of your life.

The fact that you are questioning your decision disturbs me. You absolutely did the right thing - when someone shows you through their actions the violence they are capable of, you run and don't look back. Also, remember that violent crazy people are not violent 100% of the time, they can be quite charming in between psychotic outbursts. The problem is that if you hang around hoping they'll stay normal and they inevitably release the violence inside them, it can cost you your life. Don't ever delude yourself into thinking that it's something you can change or handle.

I disagree with you because it just does not tally with my experience. My wife was verbally abusive at the time and I lashed out at objects and not her but usually I was verbally abusive back. She could abuse objects as well. Apart from the fact that we were suffering from a lot of stress at the time, we were both on anti-depressants that have later proved to increase our anger. I don't think people can stop being angry but they can control how they behave. Now we're not proud of what we were. I honestly cannot remember the last time we had a big flare-up. In fact the last time I really couldn't control my temper was when someone was rude to my wife.

There were times (which we now know why) that I was "treading on eggshells" most days and my wife would flare up over very little. I would sit and take it until I reached the point I couldn't any more.

My reply is not to justify anyone's behaviour but to say that violence towards objects does not inevitably lead to personal violence and that it is possible to overcome such difficulties. We now lead a very peaceful life.

I am NOT willing to say his angry outbursts mean that he will eventually turn on you

I AM willing to say that his angry outburts are difficult to live with, an indication that he is out of control at those times and that at all times he is carrying a deep pit of anger that fuels such outbursts. That deep pit of anger can be very difficult to live with, indicate and result in a desire to control others in inappropriate ways, and makes child-reareing extremely difficult.

I was raised by an angry father. All of us have borne lifelong scars, despite his deep love for us, respect for my mother, his integrity, his education, etc. His anger had an indelible impact.

Do NOT go back. You can choose a life without anger in your household. It is a natural emotion but it need not define the way someone expresses themselves. It WILL have a lifelong impact on your health, your stress levels, your ability to grow and take risks that represent your own interests.

We can explain his emotions, we can explain why he is the way he is, we can even love him that way, but we do not have to invite it into our own lives. Do NOT go back.

Is verbal abuse (not merely criticism) also not a "twisting" technique? I've had an unfair amount of this in my life.

not meaning to hijack the thread here but I'll just answer this one:

verbal abuse is definitely also abuse and can leave bruises not visible for the eye: very true.

But physical aggression, even aimed at objects, is about showing power and about scaring the other person. If verbal abuse is used you can walk away if needed be, and also, my ex said I was verbally abusive but I didn't even call him names or anything, I was pointing out that he had too much to drink and I wouldn't listen to him anymore.

And I 'ignored' him and 'needed to have it my way'. That is not verbal abuse in my opinion and I'm trying to point out that somebody who can not control their anger is in no way justified (nobody is imo) in controlling about what others are allowed to say or not to them, it is their responsibility to control their anger, not the other way around.

I think of anger displayed like this as two things (1) an outburst that is disproportionate the stimulus, and (2) a manipulative tool intended to force the audience to listen, to agree, to bend to the angry person's will. The angry person may not be aware of these motivations but I believe them to be real nonetheless.

For those reasons, I do not recommend any further interaction. Nice, caring, concerned means he will stop himself from lashing out around you, so that you feel a sense of calm and safety in your home environment. Angry outbursts means I HAVE TO HAVE MY WAY more than I CARE ABOUT YOUR NEEDS

No.

To be honest our worst rows were because I got angry with my wife for being angry over little things. I don't think either of us were trying to control each other but had difficulty channeling our emotions in the appropriate way. I have suffered a lot of verbal abuse over the years (I have a learning disability but am actually quite intelligent) so am very sensitive to it.

These days we seem to be able to express our differences more constructively. I think it is best not to use terms such as "childish", "stupid", etc as many people will see this as abuse, even if not intended as such.

(1) an outburst that is disproportionate the stimulus, and

(2) a manipulative tool intended to force the audience to listen, to agree, to bend to the angry person's will

That is precisely why I can get angry with people for being angry, if that makes sense. It may seem cowardice to some but I prefer to walk away from a confrontation that "fight fire with fire".

I understand questioning your decision, because I've felt the same way about my ex. I left him a month ago (he would punch holes in the walls, rough house with me, etc). He had a temper, was an angry person, and his family just always justified it. So when we broke up, I probably did a little justifying which sounds like what you're doing too. I would go NC. You left him for a reason. Remember that. Trust your instinct. You may think your instinct now is telling you you're wrong... But that's because your judgment is cloudy because you're hurting. You don't want this kind of anger, and he is not going to change unless he 1) really wants too 2) probably gets professional help.