This one banked turn....

I've been thru alot....and thanks to all who've helped me thru some tough times, I've fought hard and my kids are on their own paths now.

Lately I've had these really odd urges.... when I'm on my cycle, like there's this certain very curved on-ramp thats a clover-leaf which passes some 100 feet or so over the interstate below, it has only a 3'-4' barrier wall to keep someone from going over the plunge to the roadway below........I remember some years ago a guy on his bike going over it and into oncoming highspeed traffic below.....Odd cause I knew the guy, and always wondered was it an accident? I mean I rode with him and he was good rider.....he was goin thru some stuff at the time, so I wondered.....

Point is, he died.....it was an accident for all practical purposes, his kids got his insurance, and he got to check out clean, it wasn't "suicide"....just sloppy riding the police report said.

I ride this same on-ramp alot, and lately I take it really fast and realize how just a few more mph, or a slight "mis-calculation" may just send me over the top too. I also find myself riding way more crazy than I used too.....

It's starting to really scare me, because I could so easily do it.

I do this now and then as well.

I even close my eyes while I'm driving to see how long I can go before I open them.

I also have this 1 turn on the way to work that I skidded out on accidentally one time (total movie like in that I did a donut) and while it was happening I was more thrilled than scared.

I just thought, Hm, if I die I die... I didn't do it on purpose so it's out of my control... I just let the wheel turn until I could slowly get back.

Keep in mind, I'm a little f-ed up, lol.

However, I know I'm doing it because I want to feel alive, not that I'd actually do it.

I think it's just a self seeking attention thing.

Are you perhaps very bored with your life and subconsciously think a little drama like an accident (think of all thiose people who would "care") would give you something to talk about?

No...

Its no attention thing..im way past that...ive seen enough of this thing called life..I wish to see no more..

I'd just want it all to look like an accident...never would want anyone to know..especially my kids....I'm sure surviving wouldnt be an option. Florida has no helmet laws...just another traffic fatality.

Some who really kniw me may suspect I checked out but could never prove it....and would never say so anyway .

surfjon,

Have you considered talking to a professional? I lost my brother to something similar quite a few years ago, and I can promise you the ones left behind never fully recover from the "what ifs, what could I have done, why wasn't I there", etc.

Your kids need you, don't let them down.