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Thread: A Safe Place to Talk Freely to the Deceased

  1. #11
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Mom

    You told me not to leave him.

    I am sorry to have gone against you.

    I think I did the right thing.

    God would not ask me to stay with a man who was living lying and sneaking with someone else.

    Now, I am struggling. I miss having the support of my family. Maybe I am just wrong about what support means. We are not the same without you.

    I am dating a man who believes in his privilege to be a good provider. So, he pays for dates, yes. He wants to help, yes. But he isn't sure he will ever marry. He thought he would, he told me that was his goal. Now, he is appreciating it, and he is right to wonder. He likes my neighborhood, he has the means to move us all into one house together. He would plug himself into the life I have built, or so he seems to think. Maybe that is why he wonders about marriage at all. He has a strong birth family, large like ours and very supportive and involved with one another. You would like his values. I am not sure he is right for me, but I am not sure he isn't, I am dating him to see if it will ever become clear to me.

    I need help.

    I never say that. I think saying that is healthy: an acknowledgement of what you, B, others have done for me and how I need to invest in that. I need help.

    first, I need to list what I need. That will help. I need a big life planning session with myself. OK.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    dead guy, without you there is no one who would give me the clarity you had

    anyone i date, his life gets more complicated with me in it. it just does.

    you have to want kids. you have to want a turnkey family. you made me see that. you made me see it as an asset.

    i am dating now the only person i have met since you, who demonstrates the manners dating me that you encouraged me to require. are there really so few of you?

    why am i avoiding so much right now? i feel like i am about to fix it. but i havent actually fixed it.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    To my two lost soft shoulders: I have healed much. I fear another blow may be in store.

    dead guy, you were an amazing gift to me, one I never could have earned over a longer lifetime with you. I am glad I did not have to self-destruct and disrespect you in your eyes.

    Mom, do you see now? Surely, you would not ask me to have kept him all this time, while he was already sleeping at her house?I would never have told you that, then. I was so coiled up in protecting your image of him as I know you enjoyed it. How much did I stomach so that everyone else would be undisturbed? I will never know. Too much.

    L, a pain so great I do not talk to you. I used to sing a song in your honor, but it made me cry every time. When one takes a life, the rest of us are supposed to say we do not understand. But I do, now. There were no benchmarks left. And that year you tried and failed, I tried to tell your mom, but she wouldn't hear it, so I stopped talking. I didn't know what to do anymore. Everyone was invited to see a therapist after your death. Except for me. I wasn't even told of it.

    There are several examples where I felt like the odd one out, the planning of mom's funeral, when I was asked to sit somewhere else at the meal after, the therapist, the birthday party. By the time of the party, though, I decided just to be a better self-advocate.

    I always was hurt that I had to be a self-advocate.

    Now, I think I am over it, or beyond it, let's say. And you, dead man, you wanted me to be a better self advocate in all of the years you knew me. I am not there yet, but I am evolving.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Dear Mom,

    You taught me to love my children in a way that is producing singular characters full of love security and affection. I am forever indebted to you and to yours, who taught you.

    I see now why you married Dad, though it took me several decades to forgive and another to appreciate. He hurt your children day in and day out, and you knew the best thing to do was to make the best of it. You taught us to be survivors, to love ourselves. We didn't, of course, but we had the tools to eventually find our way, each of us.

    Now, I have had a heck of a time choosing a man. In this area, your teachings were insufficient. A man who will learn from me, a man who will cherish me. Yeah, okay. There was much more to learn, about love, finances, life styles. Afraid to teach us those things, lest we lose our own way in trying to follow yours. I needed you though.

    I now have been to the school of adult dating and learned the hard way. And what would you think of this man? This man who would be a little boy in your company? What do you think of him? I rather think you would like to see him tested. I rather think you might like him. You would see that he can keep up with me. You would see him smile. You would note that he reveals little; on the other hand, he is comfortable revealing what must be said. You would like his Catholic foundation, his local roots, his parents' long marriage, his large family, his warmth for each parent and for his siblings. You would like that he picks me up, that he plays instruments, that he supports charity, that he talks to me.

    Then, you would sit back with your knowing smile and wait. You would withhold judgment until he proves himself.

    Fair enough.

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  6. #15
    Member ninachamile's Avatar
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    It's been 14 years since you were taken for us. I have the pictures your mother gave me. Two are framed, one in my living room and the other in my bedroom. The smaller two in a photograph book and the other on my fridge. They are bittersweet. They bring me comfort and I don't feel alone anymore on days when I do feel completely alone.
    When friends stop by to visit and see your pictures they ask "Who is this?" and I say that's my friend. And I leave it at that.
    I can not bear to tell them you passed. It will only bring up the next question of "How?". I will not tell them.
    I tell them how I see you. You are happy and with friends and surrounded by all the animals you can possibly care for. You are missed by so many people.
    I still smile when I think of the time you said "I know I am a vegetarian, but I really do miss hamburgers and pepperoni pizza sometimes, is that bad?"
    I thank God that I had the chance to know you.
    I miss you and I love you.

  7. #16
    Member MovingOnUp's Avatar
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    Dearest Mumma,

    I am seriously not impressed with you passing away and guess you feel the same way. I'm not as nice as you; I could easily choose someone to take your place to have you back with us. I'm sure that if you're aware of this post, you'll now be mentally scolding me for making such an unpleasant, insincere and 'naught' statement. I miss you. Nothing this awful has ever happened to me before, and to make matters worse, you're not there to make me a cuppa and talk me through it! Your Grandson is wonderful. Literally as wonderful as you said he would be. Gutted you can't cuddle him for yourself and enjoy him. He'll know all about you when he gets older. You'll always be a part of family life. If you're able to hear/read/know this, then you know Dad is up to all sorts. Cooking food he'd never eat if we encouraged him to, insulting people (including me) left right and center, and generally trying to live without you. He's beginning to develop a relationship with me! It's only taken 31 years. Don't worry, I'll look after him/ help him look after himself. Keep an eye on him
    When he's driving though. Mum - I'm so sorry you were scared in the end. You could have told me. I'm sorry you felt you had to protect me by not telling me. I would have told you everything that made me love you, but I hope you know that anyway. P.s. I hope that when you pass, old griviences don't matter anymore. I know my sister is a class A **** and hurt you but she's just..... Her. I still want to rub her face in gravel a lil bit though.... I know; I'm naughty. Love you Mumma x

  8. #17
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    Riley

    I haven't put pen to paper to directly address you yet. I plan to. Lauren went to see the Long Island medium last week and said that Theresa asked someone if they've been keeping a journal bc their deceased loved one knew of it. So I have hope that you are aware of me talking to you. I wish you would be in my dreams at least. I have nothing. I don't feel right saying this here, but I had to do something. I love you. I want you back.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Mom,

    I met a family over Thanksgiving weekend. They reminded me of our family, our family before you went to go see your mom.

    And now I am crying. I am crying for the first time in years, in years, since your passing. Have any of us healed since then? When we gather, sometimes we are silly, and we clearly love each other, but it has never been the same and it has never been as compelling without your loving embrace wrapping around all of us, healing all of us.

    Maybe that is my new mandate. My new mandate to myself is to help us feel it again. Feel your love that runs through all of us. I will try, Mom, like when I was 7 and I helped us love through the anger. I will try this holiday. Just in trying, it will be something.

    Mom, I met someone. It is the first person I have ever met whom I know you would enjoy sincerely, on your own, even if he weren't mine. It is as if you raised him, Mom. Oh, everyone else is just as we know them to be - nice enough, respectful, learning from me always, willing to care for me, all of that. This is different. He has our energy, our love of life, our innate joy. That peace that you willed upon us, that you modeled for us. That sadness because of the open heart, the sadness of appreciation for other people's pain, yet the sadness never can take away the gift of life itself. The joy that underlies his spirit is obvious to me.

    He wandered from his church, he wandered over to Judaism. Isn't that funny? I thought it was. He came back to Christianity, because his faith won't leave him even as he leaves it untended and without understanding. He is going to talk to his Monsignor. Because I encouraged him to do it. It is exactly what you would have had us do. That same questioning, the way all communities come together as one, the knowledge that humanity is what it is, and therefore all is temporal. He gets it Mom. I am floored by the spirit of him.

    And I am exposing myself to more of the same. The entrepreneurial behavior, the chaos, the fat income followed by the slim income. I just am. It feels like sunshine and air. I believe in the spirit. What else is there to do?

    I miss you Mom. I just realized it, reflecting on the family I met, how much I miss our own when it had you physically present and among us. Its been years.

    I will throw a party for Xmas. Like in the old days. To carry you forward.

    And now, I will try to not cry in my office anymore, because it would make you laugh to know that I am crying right now, and you are right. It is rather funny. Cry for what? I have you, I have always had you, and you gave me gifts other people wish for all of their lives and their wishes remain unfulfilled. You gave me something in my soul that I treasure so much. I cry in appreciation of you.

    Thank you Mom.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Mom,

    I scrolled back on this thread to see that I first mentioned this man to you back in August, when you sat back to let him swim about in the deep end on his own for a while. You were SO right. How did you know?

    We all swim, Mom. Its okay. I don't wonder any more.

    We are going to visit the place on Earth where we put your human self. I have never been; not since that day. He is going to bring me. I have never wanted to go, until now. I need to have you with us, and I can tell that you will be with us. They chose the same place for his Mom, and he is to go there at some point to make arrangements. Goodness. He is going to have this challenge too. Its not been a year for him, there is so much ground to cover. I see now the meaning of the trip through his eyes and my own in ways I had not previously understood. Oh goodness Mom, I suppose it will be the same for us too. So many themes come together at that place. I hadn't realized till now.

    Mom, it is one wow after the other, even just this minute.

    I think, oddly, now, I have given you reason to smile. It has been difficult until now, I know. I am sorry to have caused you pain while you watched mine, but there is no pain. You knew it was a gift, all my pain was a gift. Because I couldn't see without being first made blind. I get it.

    So me. So Dad. Ahh, that's our way. Ok, I am finding a way to get it together.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member mhowe's Avatar
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    Hey mum --- it's been 2 years. And while I miss you with all of my being, the memories of your death and dying are fading and I am going to focus on all that you gave me; the lessons, the love, the guidance. Even right up to the end. You are an amazing woman --- so full of grace and compassion.

    One of your last words of wisdom: Nothing gets resolved if you don't talk about it.

    I think about that a lot. And while J and I were not together as you died, we were never apart either. We talked it all out and have come through it stronger and more committed. Maybe that was another gift. To forge from the ashes a committed partnership that I hope lasts for the rest of our lives.

    So ---- thank you for all of your love and guidance. Then --- and now.

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