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Thread: A Safe Place to Talk Freely to the Deceased

  1. #131
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Mom,

    Please look after CapT. He's a boater obvi and a straight shooter and you would love his humanity. I guess you know that already. Hugs to his mom, too, from us here.

    Thanks, Mom. I have long prayers for you this weekend. Till then xox

    Me.

    PS making a plan to be hot and sweaty and using my arms a bit, on the water. Then, a marina bathroom shower and a cocktail party, walking in by myself, late. I can feel you smile at that.

  2. #132
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    right...defenses. you eventually ran out of yours. i seem to be running out of mine. i'd like to see them gone yesterday frankly, and the chips fall where they may. i no longer care to keep anything at bay. l am not anxiously asking "but what if/ what when". i think i know the answers anyway. and it's...okay.

    it gets so overwhelming sometimes, the loss, some moments i can't contain it. i burst out in tears when my gaze fixed itself on my hands and they were...just like yours. your hands.
    it was seeks ago and still...your hands.

    so much to mend. that i don't hope for it to actually be mended. just....consistent integrity.

    anything else is just an endless defeat.

  3. #133
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
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    First Mother's Day without my mother. Mom, I kept wanting to call you all day. You've been on my mind, all sorts of memories of you being uniquely you. Your last few years were so different, but now I am going back to before then, feeling the presence of that part of you that I know so well as my mother. Thanks for being my Mom, for giving and caring and being Good and doing right. And I appreciated how you'd share books, at least way back when, about topics that we didn't discuss outright, but shared curiosity about. I think about you and feel that heart connection, without the worry of the past few years as your health and abilities declined. I appreciate how you were independent in your own way up until the very end, sturdy and stubborn and with a mischievous sense of humor. Yes, you were/are a good person, and I appreciate more and more the gift you have been to my life.

  4. #134
    Gold Member Capttrae's Avatar
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    You've been gone a month today. It sucks badly, but I know your better off there than you were here. Odd thing happened today. My buddy Marcus and his wife had a baby today. I guess where 1 life ends, another begins. Love you

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  6. #135
    Gold Member Capttrae's Avatar
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    I'm still hung up on not being able to text you. The youngun started working out at the shop yesterday and dad sent bunch of pics of him puttin in floors, my first thought was to send you the pics but that'd be useless. They'd go through but your phone is at my house.

  7. #136
    Gold Member Capttrae's Avatar
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    2 months Monday. Went back and re read some of our old texts. There's just an insanely huge part of my life that's missing. Had the strangest dream Monday, someone said I needed to go visit you, I woke up thinking oh hell I need to go to Arkansas, but then as I gained consciousness I realized your gone. I guess it could be bc this was the first time off that I hadn't been to Arky in 3-4 years to see you. I want to send you pics of Thomas workin at the shop for dad, tell you all about Coal dog, tell you about me and Jonnalynn how fast things are going but how it all seems to just fit this time. I know your seeing it all but damn I'd sure like to tell you.

  8. #137
    Gold Member Capttrae's Avatar
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    5 months tommorow. You came and visted me last night, you looked really good, no more cancer, told me even though your body was gone, that they are working on your angel spirit, but that you'd only be able to come visit for another 5 months, if that's so please come visit every night. I miss you more than you can possibly imagine. I love you

  9. #138
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Capttrae
    5 months tommorow. You came and visted me last night, you looked really good, no more cancer, told me even though your body was gone, that they are working on your angel spirit, but that you'd only be able to come visit for another 5 months, if that's so please come visit every night. I miss you more than you can possibly imagine. I love you
    that's incredible. i'm glad you saw her at peace.

  10. #139
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    i've done well on my own, and got the good i never asked for from outside too, i guess i didn't expect i'd still get days when i miss you so much. it's not like i need anything. or lack anyone or anything providing repose, i have it. i just wish i had it with you for just five minutes.

  11. #140
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Um. You drank yourself to death. I walked out of our friendship a year ago or so, after the incident of exposing me to your bestie who then talked trash to Slush thinking she would win him at my expense; after I saw you teetering in the afternoon in the bar; after you persisted in telling me you did not have a drinking problem. I said for you to get help and that I cared about you but also that I had to speak up. At least, I think that's what I said.

    Then you died. I didn't write you, call you, visit you. I wasn't in town for most of it. I thought about it, and decided it wasn't appropriate to feel good about myself, that I couldn't be sure what it would mean for you, and that your friend was nothing but destructive for me. Why reopen that channel?

    It was selfish not to be available to you. It also was appropriate. Addiction killed you slowly. Watching it happen --- no. Want no part of that, no part of the collection of people who made so little use of their time on this planet, the people with whom you began to surround yourself.

    This is my funeral for you. Now, you can see your father, and absorb his attention that you missed so deeply. You can see your mom. You can heal, if not on Earth then in Heaven, a place you were clear about, a place that exists in you, you full of faith in God and Heaven.

    May God have mercy on you, heal you of all ills and pain, and hold you in love. May we all find such healing and love, such that in faith you knew it would be available to you. Goodbye friend. The addiction stole you long ago. Don't know why, but I am glad to think your ravished body can no longer diminish your spirit.


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