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Thread: My boyfriend is flip-flopping DAILY on the idea of having children! HELP :(

  1. #1
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    My boyfriend is flip-flopping DAILY on the idea of having children! HELP :(

    My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and have been living together for 7 months. He has historically brought up ‘our future children’ many times. One time he went as far as to tell me, “You know women become much less fertile after 37 years old.”

    One day, about 5 months ago, I mentioned that I wanted children in the soonish-future. I’m 33 years old and he’s 30. He nearly had a heart attack. He said that he didn’t want children. I cried and resolved to get over it.

    Then about a month later, he told me he did want children and that I am the only woman who has ever made him want children and that he was ‘almost’ ready for them. Then I got excited and hopeful… but a week later, he told me he did not want children and never would want children.

    Another week went by and he said he wanted children ‘deep down.’ Then a month later, he told me he thought I’d be a bad mother and THAT is why he didn't want children. The next day, he thought I’d be a good mother.

    A day later, he just felt ‘something is not right’ about us having children. Two days after that, he wanted to look at ‘cutest baby pictures’ on the internet together.

    He had admitted that the idea of discussing children really scares him. He has a lot of anxiety and the thought of being ‘tied down’ sends him to a very dark place. He doesn’t have a stable job yet (I do) but he has life-long benefits and disability pay from his military service. He told me about a month after that admission that he will have children with me and will not ‘flipflop’ again.

    Since then, he has flipflopped a hundred times or more. He has not said, “No.” again but he has made several statements about how much he doesn’t want children (until a few hours later when he does want them). He has said he cannot commit to giving me children anytime in the near future because he doesn’t know if he’ll be ready. He doesn’t seem to care about whether I’m ready or will even still be ABLE to have children when he is ready.

    So I’m a little confused here. Lately when he drinks, he browses through his facebook for pictures of babies and talks about how adorable they are. This is new behavior- he did not used to do this. – but he still acts like he doesn’t want them (sometimes). What is going on here? What’s his problem? Why is he bouncing around so much on this topic? I feel that if he could make a decision and stick with it, I’d be able to grieve about not having children and get over it or begin planning to have children, but I am stuck in this bizarre cycle where I have no idea what he actually wants. I have made a commitment to him that I will never, under any circumstances, put him in a position to ‘accidentally’ get me pregnant and I mean that. I will never play games with him about this. Is there any thing I can do to make him want children more consistently?

    As a side note: my baby sister is 4 months pregnant. This has not helped our situation at all since now I want a baby more than ever!

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    The fact that he told you he felt you would be a bad mother made him not want kids would be enough to punt his backside. Sorry. No you can't " make" him want kids. That comes from inside the person. I would break up at this point.

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    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    Well, I feel he is NOT ready, willing or able, mentally. He sounds VERY Unsure of this.

    IF he WAS really serious, he would not be like this. This is a heads up for YOU. He just isn't ready and into it like you are.
    I hope you two at least get along okay..

    You two have ONLY been involved for a year.. living together 7 months. That is still so 'new' in my opinion. I feel you still have much to learn about each other and so far, all I see is this 'baby' idea, you are not presently compatible with.

    I suggest you not even think about this baby thing for at least another year, see how the relationship is going and then, at that point possibly 'discuss' the baby idea again.

    As for your sister, I suppose she has been involved with her partner longer and has somewhat of a 'stable' relationship going?

    Do NOT rush into this idea just to have a baby. Do it when you're BOTH comfortable and much more stable, together.

  4. #4
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    This guy sounds really really uncertain about having kids (either with you, or in general), so I think if you want to get pregnant, you should probably let this one go.

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    Platinum Member dangletsbang's Avatar
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    Yeah, he really seems unsure of having children..like annie said, whether that be with you or just in general..if you're 33 and truly want to try to have children, I wouldn't waste any more time with him. I also think his comment about you being a bad mother even though he 'changed his mind the next day' wouldn't make me want to proceed with thinking about having children with him..

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    I would walk right now. And do not look back. And by the way my husband never looked at baby pictures (and still does not other than of our son or occasionally photos of kids in our family/social circle) and he always wanted a child. Looking at cute photos means nothing. The way your bf is behaving reflects instability in general - I cannot believe that this is the only time or about the only issue concerning which he has behaved this erratically. And as far as his comment about you being a bad mother -please -he has no clue what he's talking about. You need a man who knows what he wants (despite having moments of nerves/jitters/doubts) and who doesn't need to look at cute photos to feel better about a major life decision.

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    I'm a little confused by YOUR feelings on the topic, OP.

    On one hand, you are talking about wanting a baby "more than ever". Talking about your biological clock. Wanting an answer ASAP on whether or not this is something he wants. Thinking about babies, looking at baby pictures, analyzing his every move...

    But then on the other hand, after only about 6 months with this man, you cried when he initially said he didn't want kids and resolved to grieve and get over it. In other words, babies aren't that important. If he doesn't want a baby, you still want to stay with him.

    That's kind of a strange struggle going on there. If you are ambivalent, why all the pressure? Why not concentrate on maybe getting married, waiting until he has a stable job, etc. If you aren't ambivalent and you WANT a baby, why wouldn't this be a dealbreaker for you. Sure... he might be ok having babies one day but there is really no telling when that day will be (IF it will be). It could be in 10 years from now... or 20! Guys don't have the same timeline constraints.

    I think you will find more peace if you first decide what it is that YOU want - whether you are ambivalent or whether you want children. From there, you will know what to do and it will be more a function of your OWN decision than of his.

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    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    If you want children, find someone who is CERTAIN about wanting to have them too. Don't have children with someone who either doesn't want them or is uncertain. Common sense here. It's just not fair to the children.

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    He's not flip-flopping. He clearly doesn't want to have kids with you and only says it at times when either a) he's drunk (big red flag right there, you do not want someone who gets drunk all the time to be a father to your kids, trust me on this one) or b) he says it when he senses you pulling away as he knows you'll probably leave him over it. He is not ready to be a father at all and his very first reaction was the only time he's been fully honest with you--he doesn't want kids.

    Given that the only time he looks at baby pics or talks about it now is when he's drunk means nothing. I've run into "sentimental drunks" before, whatever they say when drunk is the only time they mean what they say. Sober, he clearly has other ideas and since you can't keep him drunk 24/7 (shudders) just to have him give you a baby--nor would you want to for obvious reasons--you need to drop the entire matter.

    Neither of you is ready for kids and he doesn't sound like father material at all with the drinking. That's a big problem right there and I suspect a little more than part of the issue with his sentimental drunkeness making him say things that he clearly doesn't mean.

    Or you go and find another man who wants babies, because this one isn't it. Can you imagine how he'd be if you went ahead and got pregnant? The flip-flopping he's doing now would be nothing compared to what he'd do then. Only now you'd have a child whose father didn't really want him/her to begin with. Nope, you want kids, this man is not the one to have them with. And that's a serious mismatch right there, one most relationships don't survive.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I agree with the others.

    And what Batya and others have touched on about him being unstable as a partner in general - that is enough reason to leave, IMO. That is not the person you are going to find the stable, deep rooted family life that you are seeking and will want to raise children in.

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