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My boyfriend is flip-flopping DAILY on the idea of having children! HELP :(


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My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and have been living together for 7 months. He has historically brought up ‘our future children’ many times. One time he went as far as to tell me, “You know women become much less fertile after 37 years old.”

 

One day, about 5 months ago, I mentioned that I wanted children in the soonish-future. I’m 33 years old and he’s 30. He nearly had a heart attack. He said that he didn’t want children. I cried and resolved to get over it.

 

Then about a month later, he told me he did want children and that I am the only woman who has ever made him want children and that he was ‘almost’ ready for them. Then I got excited and hopeful… but a week later, he told me he did not want children and never would want children.

 

Another week went by and he said he wanted children ‘deep down.’ Then a month later, he told me he thought I’d be a bad mother and THAT is why he didn't want children. The next day, he thought I’d be a good mother.

 

A day later, he just felt ‘something is not right’ about us having children. Two days after that, he wanted to look at ‘cutest baby pictures’ on the internet together.

 

He had admitted that the idea of discussing children really scares him. He has a lot of anxiety and the thought of being ‘tied down’ sends him to a very dark place. He doesn’t have a stable job yet (I do) but he has life-long benefits and disability pay from his military service. He told me about a month after that admission that he will have children with me and will not ‘flipflop’ again.

 

Since then, he has flipflopped a hundred times or more. He has not said, “No.” again but he has made several statements about how much he doesn’t want children (until a few hours later when he does want them). He has said he cannot commit to giving me children anytime in the near future because he doesn’t know if he’ll be ready. He doesn’t seem to care about whether I’m ready or will even still be ABLE to have children when he is ready.

 

So I’m a little confused here. Lately when he drinks, he browses through his facebook for pictures of babies and talks about how adorable they are. This is new behavior- he did not used to do this. – but he still acts like he doesn’t want them (sometimes). What is going on here? What’s his problem? Why is he bouncing around so much on this topic? I feel that if he could make a decision and stick with it, I’d be able to grieve about not having children and get over it or begin planning to have children, but I am stuck in this bizarre cycle where I have no idea what he actually wants. I have made a commitment to him that I will never, under any circumstances, put him in a position to ‘accidentally’ get me pregnant and I mean that. I will never play games with him about this. Is there any thing I can do to make him want children more consistently?

 

As a side note: my baby sister is 4 months pregnant. This has not helped our situation at all since now I want a baby more than ever!

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Well, I feel he is NOT ready, willing or able, mentally. He sounds VERY Unsure of this.

 

IF he WAS really serious, he would not be like this. This is a heads up for YOU. He just isn't ready and into it like you are.

I hope you two at least get along okay..

 

You two have ONLY been involved for a year.. living together 7 months. That is still so 'new' in my opinion. I feel you still have much to learn about each other and so far, all I see is this 'baby' idea, you are not presently compatible with.

 

I suggest you not even think about this baby thing for at least another year, see how the relationship is going and then, at that point possibly 'discuss' the baby idea again.

 

As for your sister, I suppose she has been involved with her partner longer and has somewhat of a 'stable' relationship going?

 

Do NOT rush into this idea just to have a baby. Do it when you're BOTH comfortable and much more stable, together.

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Yeah, he really seems unsure of having children..like annie said, whether that be with you or just in general..if you're 33 and truly want to try to have children, I wouldn't waste any more time with him. I also think his comment about you being a bad mother even though he 'changed his mind the next day' wouldn't make me want to proceed with thinking about having children with him..

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I would walk right now. And do not look back. And by the way my husband never looked at baby pictures (and still does not other than of our son or occasionally photos of kids in our family/social circle) and he always wanted a child. Looking at cute photos means nothing. The way your bf is behaving reflects instability in general - I cannot believe that this is the only time or about the only issue concerning which he has behaved this erratically. And as far as his comment about you being a bad mother -please -he has no clue what he's talking about. You need a man who knows what he wants (despite having moments of nerves/jitters/doubts) and who doesn't need to look at cute photos to feel better about a major life decision.

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I'm a little confused by YOUR feelings on the topic, OP.

 

On one hand, you are talking about wanting a baby "more than ever". Talking about your biological clock. Wanting an answer ASAP on whether or not this is something he wants. Thinking about babies, looking at baby pictures, analyzing his every move...

 

But then on the other hand, after only about 6 months with this man, you cried when he initially said he didn't want kids and resolved to grieve and get over it. In other words, babies aren't that important. If he doesn't want a baby, you still want to stay with him.

 

That's kind of a strange struggle going on there. If you are ambivalent, why all the pressure? Why not concentrate on maybe getting married, waiting until he has a stable job, etc. If you aren't ambivalent and you WANT a baby, why wouldn't this be a dealbreaker for you. Sure... he might be ok having babies one day but there is really no telling when that day will be (IF it will be). It could be in 10 years from now... or 20! Guys don't have the same timeline constraints.

 

I think you will find more peace if you first decide what it is that YOU want - whether you are ambivalent or whether you want children. From there, you will know what to do and it will be more a function of your OWN decision than of his.

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He's not flip-flopping. He clearly doesn't want to have kids with you and only says it at times when either a) he's drunk (big red flag right there, you do not want someone who gets drunk all the time to be a father to your kids, trust me on this one) or b) he says it when he senses you pulling away as he knows you'll probably leave him over it. He is not ready to be a father at all and his very first reaction was the only time he's been fully honest with you--he doesn't want kids.

 

Given that the only time he looks at baby pics or talks about it now is when he's drunk means nothing. I've run into "sentimental drunks" before, whatever they say when drunk is the only time they mean what they say. Sober, he clearly has other ideas and since you can't keep him drunk 24/7 (shudders) just to have him give you a baby--nor would you want to for obvious reasons--you need to drop the entire matter.

 

Neither of you is ready for kids and he doesn't sound like father material at all with the drinking. That's a big problem right there and I suspect a little more than part of the issue with his sentimental drunkeness making him say things that he clearly doesn't mean.

 

Or you go and find another man who wants babies, because this one isn't it. Can you imagine how he'd be if you went ahead and got pregnant? The flip-flopping he's doing now would be nothing compared to what he'd do then. Only now you'd have a child whose father didn't really want him/her to begin with. Nope, you want kids, this man is not the one to have them with. And that's a serious mismatch right there, one most relationships don't survive.

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I agree with the others.

 

And what Batya and others have touched on about him being unstable as a partner in general - that is enough reason to leave, IMO. That is not the person you are going to find the stable, deep rooted family life that you are seeking and will want to raise children in.

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I know a man who was pretty adamant that he did not want kids.

 

Somehow his wife accidentally got pregnant 3 times despite being on birth control pills.

 

He loves being a dad and it is his greatest joy. It's a scary proposition though.

 

it seems to me that deep down your bf does want them but then his fears kick in. I think your only leverage is to tell him you want kids and if he can't commit to that by X date you are leaving. Then do it and go no contact. I'm willing to bet that he will beg you to come back. If not, then he really didn't love you enough or was too ambivalent about having kids and therefore you would want someone else to be their father.

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Wow. His constant back and forth on this isn't fair to you. You should end it and eventually look for someone else who wants what you want.

 

Though, as an aside, he sounds like the type who would become a devoted father after an "oops" pregnancy.. Sounds like he can't make up his mind and the woman he ends up with will ultimately make the decision for him. If he can't sort out a major life decision, then a life together with this guy will be filled with many smaller decisions he abdicates responsibility for deciding as well..

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Definitely don't "oops" him though. That's one of the most immoral things you can do your life. Only have children with men who want them. If you "oops", you never know if he will truly be devoted or not. He could very well leave you (and rightfully so!) and he may or may not want to be involved with the kids. But do you really want to take a huge gamble and possibly be a single mom? I think not.

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In my boyfriend's defense, I should clarify that when I first met him, I ignored a lot of red flags. He drank too much, he was very, very flaky about everything, his affections came and went like a yo-yo, he was MARRIED (separated 3 yrs, though, and I didn't know he was still legally married until the day before he moved in), and he lied.. a lot. I don't know why I stuck with him, but somewhere in him I saw potential. As it turns out, he has spent his whole adult life suffering from major depressive disorder and extreme generalized anxiety. Since moving here, though, he has changed so much. He has a stable career (he was in school before, so it's not like he is a job-hopper), he takes very good care of my two dogs, he has managed to do something I thought until several months ago was impossible, and limited his alcohol consumption to about one drink a week, he no longer lies to me (sometimes I wish he would), and he's lost over 20 lbs by dropping the beer habit and running every evening. After being a Florida resident for six months he was able to legally file for divorce and has finally begun that process.

 

His anxiety controls a lot of his reactions (which is why he's so flaky). Until about a month ago, discussing marriage with him sent him scurrying away to the bedroom. Now, though, that I'm pushing the child thing so much, he has begun to discuss marriage a lot more Part of me feels that he'll never be comfortable with the idea of children without first having a wedding ring (again) but that would be a huge gamble to make since he's too scared to really talk about children. He does want children. It's hard to explain how I know this but it's something I'm very certain of. I just need his anxiety out of the way so that he can recognize that he actually already has baby-fever. He also thinks that if we have children, he will no longer be important to me. When I tried turning off my 'mothering' side to show him that he'll always be important to me, he took that to mean I had no instincts as a mother and that was when he started to worry I wasn't mom material. I technically did that to myself, but I'm kind of new at the relationship game (I've avoided men for many years).

 

This is a very difficult thing for me to go through right now. Partially because I'm in love with a bouncing human ball, but primarily because he is literally the only reason I even want children. I've never in my whole life desired children, but within 2-3 months of him moving in with me and watching how quickly he began to mature and grow as a man, my biological clock was going nuts. Despite his depression and anxiety, he would be the most loving, caring father.

 

I know many people would see the anxiety and depression as big no-no's in a long term relationship with the potential for offspring, but these are not his fault and I love him so much that I could not stand the idea of him being rejected or denied a chance at a happy life because of something he cannot control. He is not violent at all, he has absolutely no temper, and he has so much love to give. He's not a bad person at all, and he puts up with me even though I'm kind of a b*tch.

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Definitely don't "oops" him though. That's one of the most immoral things you can do your life. Only have children with men who want them.

 

Agreed! It's too much of a gamble. It's better all around to find a guy who wants a family instead of using deception to to change your lives in such a huge way,

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OP, I'm sorry that you are going through this but I am seeing a pattern here. You stuck with him because you see potential. You "see" potential in him to be a father too and that's why you're so torn. But you know what? It's NOT fair to your future children to try and push this man (or "oops" him) into pregnancy when he is not 100% into the idea himself. You just never know for sure what is going to happen. I mean, I guess that's true of everything but specially here. You are just going by your own feelings about his "potential", nevermind that the fact that he is ambivalent and isn't sure.

 

Really, don't have kids with this guy if he is flip flopping or doesn't want them.

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You know anxiety can be treated with medication and therapy right? He should invest in that. My husband has had since GAD since childhood . His early adult life was an unmitigated disaster. With therapy and medication and a huge influx of confidence he has no anxiety at all now. Your bf NEEDS to do this BEFORE children. My husband lost 11 years of his son's life by being so anxiety ridden he could not even but barely communicate with his own son.

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In my boyfriend's defense, I should clarify that when I first met him, I ignored a lot of red flags.

 

It doesn't work when people seek to mold their partners into the person they *want them to be* by loving them. You can't change a person's core character and values. Love doesn't conquer all like it does in the movies. Shared values and shared goals is essential.

 

I don't think his anxiety is your biggest issue here.

 

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship meant for the long run. But hey, such couples get married and have kids every day. They can last years and decades before the eventual break ups, with the red flags they ignored causing the relationship to fail in the end, and having spent the majority of the relationship mutually miserable.

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I forgot to mention this, this is something that Iggles touched on and I feel that it's important to bring up here.

 

You guys have been living together for 7 months. Months. That is just a small drop of time in the long run, not long at all.

 

And around the time you guys moved in, he was drinking a ton, lied a lot, and was still MARRIED. Tons of red flags. And now, 7 months in, you think he's changed and you're looking to have children? How do you know that he's changed for a long run. Anyone can make "positive" changes in that short of time but that doesn't mean that they are permanent changes.

 

How do you know that he's not going to revert to his old ways?

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It doesn't work when people seek to mold their partners into the person they *want them to be* by loving them. You can't change a person's core character and values. Love doesn't conquer all like it does in the movies. Shared values and shared goals is essential.

 

I don't think his anxiety is your biggest issue here.

 

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship meant for the long run. But hey, such couples get married and have kids every day. They can last years and decades before the eventual break ups, with the red flags they ignored causing the relationship to fail in the end, and having spent the majority of the relationship mutually miserable.

 

EXACTLY! You can NEVER love anyone better. Ever. My mother tried that for decades with my mentally ill dad . I tried for 15 years with my husband. What only mattered was when HE wanted to be better . HE had to want to get better . We are lucky he made that decision. So we are still together and father and son now have a loving relationship and do him and I .

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You know anxiety can be treated with medication and therapy right? He should invest in that. My husband has had since GAD since childhood . His early adult life was an unmitigated disaster. With therapy and medication and a huge influx of confidence he has no anxiety at all now. Your bf NEEDS to do this BEFORE children. My husband lost 11 years of his son's life by being so anxiety ridden he could not even but barely communicate with his own son.

 

What medication is your husband on? My boyfriend definitely needs help and is willing to try, but he is terrified (anxiety again) of becoming addicted to anti-anxiety meds.

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EXACTLY! You can NEVER love anyone better. Ever. My mother tried that for decades with my mentally ill dad . I tried for 15 years with my husband. What only mattered was when HE wanted to be better . HE had to want to get better . We are lucky he made that decision. So we are still together and father and son now have a loving relationship and do him and I .

 

It's not that I am trying to 'love' him better, I love him just as he is and I always will. My boyfriend wants desperately to fix his own life, and has been doing a really good job. In fact, this desire to fix his life may be part of why he's afraid to have children. He could be terrified that they may derail his efforts. Perhaps I have been unfair to push him. My hormones are screaming at me, but like I've said before, I don't simply want a baby, I want his baby. Maybe I will just have to wait until he's a little further along in the healing process to really bring it up.

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What medication is your husband on? My boyfriend definitely needs help and is willing to try, but he is terrified (anxiety again) of becoming addicted to anti-anxiety meds.

 

Well yes, they need to be taken daily. My husband has been taking Zoloft every day for 8 years. He does awesome, fully functional and no anxiety whatsoever. But he also has a career that he loves, lives in a place that he likes and does copious amounts of exercise.

 

And just so you know ahead of time you can't just one day decide not to take the medication. These medications if you want to stop taking them you must see a doctor and follow weaning schedule. If you cold turkey you can become homicidal or suicidal. To mention if you cold turkey you feel like crud.

 

But if someone has anxiety that so crippling that their flip-flopping from day today heck I would give medication a try. It always works best in conjunction with therapy though.

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It's not that I am trying to 'love' him better, I love him just as he is and I always will. My boyfriend wants desperately to fix his own life, and has been doing a really good job. In fact, this desire to fix his life may be part of why he's afraid to have children. He could be terrified that they may derail his efforts. Perhaps I have been unfair to push him. My hormones are screaming at me, but like I've said before, I don't simply want a baby, I want his baby. Maybe I will just have to wait until he's a little further along in the healing process to really bring it up.

Also be aware that depression and anxiety is also inherited. Plus you can also teach your child anxiety if you're very anxious person.

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Also be aware that depression and anxiety is also inherited. Plus you can also teach your child anxiety if you're very anxious person.

 

I understand that anxiety and depression can be inherited, but I suffer from neither and I suspect a lot of his anxiety was taught to him by his mother. His parents attitude toward his mental problems growing up were pretty disconnected. His mom babied him and fed his anxiety while his father told him to man-up and stop worrying so much. They weren't great parents.

 

Regarding the medication, he's taken zoloft before but became addicted to it; I don't know the details but he doesn't say many positive things about his experience with it. I might suggest, though, that he try taking a low dose of Klonopin to see if that eases some of his concerns. Thanks for the information! It's encouraging to know that there is help out there for GAD that works.

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