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Thread: My boyfriend is flip-flopping DAILY on the idea of having children! HELP :(

  1. #11
    Platinum Member wilyone 11's Avatar
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    I know a man who was pretty adamant that he did not want kids.

    Somehow his wife accidentally got pregnant 3 times despite being on birth control pills.

    He loves being a dad and it is his greatest joy. It's a scary proposition though.

    it seems to me that deep down your bf does want them but then his fears kick in. I think your only leverage is to tell him you want kids and if he can't commit to that by X date you are leaving. Then do it and go no contact. I'm willing to bet that he will beg you to come back. If not, then he really didn't love you enough or was too ambivalent about having kids and therefore you would want someone else to be their father.

  2. #12
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    Wow. His constant back and forth on this isn't fair to you. You should end it and eventually look for someone else who wants what you want.

    Though, as an aside, he sounds like the type who would become a devoted father after an "oops" pregnancy.. Sounds like he can't make up his mind and the woman he ends up with will ultimately make the decision for him. If he can't sort out a major life decision, then a life together with this guy will be filled with many smaller decisions he abdicates responsibility for deciding as well..

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    Definitely don't "oops" him though. That's one of the most immoral things you can do your life. Only have children with men who want them. If you "oops", you never know if he will truly be devoted or not. He could very well leave you (and rightfully so!) and he may or may not want to be involved with the kids. But do you really want to take a huge gamble and possibly be a single mom? I think not.

  4. #14
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    In my boyfriend's defense, I should clarify that when I first met him, I ignored a lot of red flags. He drank too much, he was very, very flaky about everything, his affections came and went like a yo-yo, he was MARRIED (separated 3 yrs, though, and I didn't know he was still legally married until the day before he moved in), and he lied.. a lot. I don't know why I stuck with him, but somewhere in him I saw potential. As it turns out, he has spent his whole adult life suffering from major depressive disorder and extreme generalized anxiety. Since moving here, though, he has changed so much. He has a stable career (he was in school before, so it's not like he is a job-hopper), he takes very good care of my two dogs, he has managed to do something I thought until several months ago was impossible, and limited his alcohol consumption to about one drink a week, he no longer lies to me (sometimes I wish he would), and he's lost over 20 lbs by dropping the beer habit and running every evening. After being a Florida resident for six months he was able to legally file for divorce and has finally begun that process.

    His anxiety controls a lot of his reactions (which is why he's so flaky). Until about a month ago, discussing marriage with him sent him scurrying away to the bedroom. Now, though, that I'm pushing the child thing so much, he has begun to discuss marriage a lot more Part of me feels that he'll never be comfortable with the idea of children without first having a wedding ring (again) but that would be a huge gamble to make since he's too scared to really talk about children. He does want children. It's hard to explain how I know this but it's something I'm very certain of. I just need his anxiety out of the way so that he can recognize that he actually already has baby-fever. He also thinks that if we have children, he will no longer be important to me. When I tried turning off my 'mothering' side to show him that he'll always be important to me, he took that to mean I had no instincts as a mother and that was when he started to worry I wasn't mom material. I technically did that to myself, but I'm kind of new at the relationship game (I've avoided men for many years).

    This is a very difficult thing for me to go through right now. Partially because I'm in love with a bouncing human ball, but primarily because he is literally the only reason I even want children. I've never in my whole life desired children, but within 2-3 months of him moving in with me and watching how quickly he began to mature and grow as a man, my biological clock was going nuts. Despite his depression and anxiety, he would be the most loving, caring father.

    I know many people would see the anxiety and depression as big no-no's in a long term relationship with the potential for offspring, but these are not his fault and I love him so much that I could not stand the idea of him being rejected or denied a chance at a happy life because of something he cannot control. He is not violent at all, he has absolutely no temper, and he has so much love to give. He's not a bad person at all, and he puts up with me even though I'm kind of a b*tch.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Fudgie
    Definitely don't "oops" him though. That's one of the most immoral things you can do your life. Only have children with men who want them.
    Agreed! It's too much of a gamble. It's better all around to find a guy who wants a family instead of using deception to to change your lives in such a huge way,

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    OP, I'm sorry that you are going through this but I am seeing a pattern here. You stuck with him because you see potential. You "see" potential in him to be a father too and that's why you're so torn. But you know what? It's NOT fair to your future children to try and push this man (or "oops" him) into pregnancy when he is not 100% into the idea himself. You just never know for sure what is going to happen. I mean, I guess that's true of everything but specially here. You are just going by your own feelings about his "potential", nevermind that the fact that he is ambivalent and isn't sure.

    Really, don't have kids with this guy if he is flip flopping or doesn't want them.

  8. #17
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    You know anxiety can be treated with medication and therapy right? He should invest in that. My husband has had since GAD since childhood . His early adult life was an unmitigated disaster. With therapy and medication and a huge influx of confidence he has no anxiety at all now. Your bf NEEDS to do this BEFORE children. My husband lost 11 years of his son's life by being so anxiety ridden he could not even but barely communicate with his own son.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by dasanisun
    In my boyfriend's defense, I should clarify that when I first met him, I ignored a lot of red flags.
    It doesn't work when people seek to mold their partners into the person they *want them to be* by loving them. You can't change a person's core character and values. Love doesn't conquer all like it does in the movies. Shared values and shared goals is essential.

    I don't think his anxiety is your biggest issue here.

    This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship meant for the long run. But hey, such couples get married and have kids every day. They can last years and decades before the eventual break ups, with the red flags they ignored causing the relationship to fail in the end, and having spent the majority of the relationship mutually miserable.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    I forgot to mention this, this is something that Iggles touched on and I feel that it's important to bring up here.

    You guys have been living together for 7 months. Months. That is just a small drop of time in the long run, not long at all.

    And around the time you guys moved in, he was drinking a ton, lied a lot, and was still MARRIED. Tons of red flags. And now, 7 months in, you think he's changed and you're looking to have children? How do you know that he's changed for a long run. Anyone can make "positive" changes in that short of time but that doesn't mean that they are permanent changes.

    How do you know that he's not going to revert to his old ways?

  11. #20
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Iggles
    It doesn't work when people seek to mold their partners into the person they *want them to be* by loving them. You can't change a person's core character and values. Love doesn't conquer all like it does in the movies. Shared values and shared goals is essential.

    I don't think his anxiety is your biggest issue here.

    This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship meant for the long run. But hey, such couples get married and have kids every day. They can last years and decades before the eventual break ups, with the red flags they ignored causing the relationship to fail in the end, and having spent the majority of the relationship mutually miserable.
    EXACTLY! You can NEVER love anyone better. Ever. My mother tried that for decades with my mentally ill dad . I tried for 15 years with my husband. What only mattered was when HE wanted to be better . HE had to want to get better . We are lucky he made that decision. So we are still together and father and son now have a loving relationship and do him and I .

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