"breaking up" with my best friend for my own good

It’s the stereotypical story: I fell in love with my best friend and he doesn’t reciprocate.

We’ve been friends for a bit over 3 years. I was always somewhat attracted to him but he was dating someone when we first met, so I was able to keep my feelings under wraps for a while. But once things ended with her several months into our friendship, there was no going back. About a year after I met him was when I knew for sure I was in love with him. About a month later, I got a new roommate who was convinced that he felt the same way about me, and I was over the moon, just trying to figure out how to make something happen. Sad as it is to say, I was honestly convinced at that point that I was going to marry that man. A year and a half after we first met, I confessed my feelings, and found they weren’t reciprocated. He did handle the whole situation amazingly kindly though, and it wasn’t long until our friendship was back to normal.

It’s been another year and a half since then and, though I’m in a better place than directly after the rejection, I’m still in an immense amount of pain. I’m getting closer and closer to being convinced that I just can’t handle being friends with him. I think it’s maybe gotten worse in the past few months because we are both currently living abroad in the same country, and we are both essentially serving as each other’s sanity. Every time I’m frustrated with something about the people around me in the program I’m doing, he completely understands where I’m coming from, and vice versa. And some of these are really important issues to me (and to him), related to how I want to raise my future kids and so on. The more he agrees with me, the more it hurts that even though on paper we are literally PERFECT for each other, he doesn’t want me.

I don’t know how I could possibly handle living without his friendship - I owe him more than I could ever explain, I would not be the same or as good a person as I am today without him, has been not only a friend but also a teacher and a mentor to me, and he is constantly inspiring me to try to be better, and he clearly cares about me so damn much just not in the right way………but I’m also not handling living WITH his friendship. And I’m absolutely terrified of being one of those people, someday, who is married to someone else, but still pining after him. I want to move on and heal and be healthy and be able to fall in love whole-heartedly with someone else.

The point being that I’m seriously contemplating backing away for my own good, even though it would be one of the hardest decisions of my life. But if I do it, I don’t know how to do it. We currently hang out every Thursday night for a few hours. I could just start saying I’m busy, I can’t, sorry. But I feel like I owe him better than that. He deserves an explanation for why his best friend suddenly disappears. We have gotten each other through so much in the past years, and I know that this would kill him. He would completely understand and support the decision - once, about a year ago, he tried to force it on me himself after misunderstanding something a mutual friend said about me, but at the time I thought I could handle things, and he relented. But I know him and even though he has literally done nothing wrong in this situation, and in fact has handled it amazingly, he would feel endlessly guilty for causing me so much pain. He also really does care about me and our friendship and would be devastated to lose it. I don’t suppose there’s any way to avoid hurting him, but I at least want to handle the situation the best I can if I go through with this. But if I’m going to give him an explanation, I don’t know how much to say or whether to deliver it over facebook or in a letter or over the phone or in person.

Anyway I’m not sure I actually have the strength to go through with it even if I decide I should.

Hi there.

I had a friend that was in love with me and was convinced this is his true love and he never felt or will feel like he felt for me to anybody. He then cut me out of his life when I most needed him because he was pissed and jealous that I rejected him and liked other guys, he even told a lot of our mutual friends how much he loves me and how I am a bi*ch (not literally) that keeps friend-zoning him. It broke my heart. Because I felt like he has no right to do such things just because I don't want to have a relationship with him simply for the sake of trying, and simply because HE wanted it, even though I never felt this way about him. So he threw away our friendship (that was real) because he couldn't have sex with me, basically, and make it official that we are a couple. Saddest thing was that we DID spend most of our time together, we shared an apartment, we had lots of fun and all of that was lost because he wanted to take it to the bed.

I know it hurts you, I know you feel like you need to isolate yourself from him. And in a lot of situations I would advice you to do so, but think about him as well. You are his best friend, not just some chick that fell for him. You can`t control how he feels, but you can control YOUR emotions, you can!

By the way, me and my friend are back to being best friends now, because we both are in a long term relationships and we both agree now that it was good that we never decided to date. He loves his GF, I love my BF, but we still are in each others life and often talk.

Hope it helped somewhat.

I understand. Settling for friendship with someone for whom you hold romantic feelings isn't usually workable.

I'd meet him on your next Thursday and tell him, "I adore you, and you know that I could picture us together romantically. That's why I've decided that I need to walk away while we both think highly of one another. If you ever change your mind and decide to give romance a try with me, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I'll always wish the best for you."

This removes guilt, pain and drama from the parting and preserves your dignity.

Head high, I think you're being smart.

>>And some of these are really important issues to me (and to him), related to how I want to raise my future kids and so on.

Those are the kind of discussions you shouldn't even be having with him, because you are encouraging these situations where you're having too intimate talks about things you would normally only discuss with a partner.

So the only way to fix these kinds of situations is to totally break it off with him, because you're 'settling' for the loss of the real romance to have the illusion of intimacy, and he's doing the same while leaving his options open to bolt as soon as he does meet a girl he is physically attracted to enough to make his GF.

You deserve so much more than a 'pseudo' BF, and need to recognize that what you are seeing as a 'positive' friendship is really harming you and holding you back from living a full life and finding that man who actually wants to have children with you rather than just talk about what he will do with children he will have with someone else. So quit framing this as a 'great' friendship because it is indeed harmful to you emotionally.

So how do you proceed? You need to be honest with yourself and him. Tell him that as he already knows, you have a horrible case of unrequited love for him, and this is just not healthy at all for you emotionally because it is painful and is distracting you from your goal of finding a man who will love you and want to be your partner. As long as you are emotionally close and over-attached to him, you won't be able to heal and get over him and find someone new. So it is time for your friendship to end, and if in future when you do get over him and find a man and fall in love, perhaps you could be friends again, but not until that happens, so it is time to say goodbye and move on. That you think very highly of him, but have to recognize that this friendship isn't working for you because your feelings really aren't about being friends, but about wanting him as a romantic partner.

Ok...here's MY situation. I haven't been in a romantic relationship for 3 years. Met him last may during a meetup. Apparently he liked me right off the bat. I wasn't attracted to him at all....and basically ignored him. A month later, him, another girl and i did a travel meetup out of town, and we all had a blast. In July I started hanging with him during our group outings. I giggled and laughed when we went out together to do things. He asked me out on a date. I said No...only friends. (At the time he was very heavy, and i just wasn't physically attracted to him. But I became mentally and eventually emotionally VERY attached) Pretty soon it was deep friendship. I knew he liked me....a lot. In the year, he has become a HUGE walker, and has lost a ton of weight. He was more attractive...but still was not physically attracted to him.

In Oct. we went out camping several nights and kayaking on a few long trips. Slept side by side...but nothing. (he later told me it was killing him!!)

I went to his house in Nov. and Dec and started helping him refinish floors. I PAINTED his whole living room and kitchen. And i basically redid his whole kitchen for him....free of course. Spent $200 on him at Christmas. I would spend Many nights sleeping over at his house on the couch. 20 min. drive home in the middle of winter. I'd be working on his house while he was sleeping...sometimes til 4 am!!

I said we were like FWB...without the benefits! lol I had told him....Isn't this great, we could be friends for 20 years...whereas if you start dating, you can get in a fight 6 months later...and it'll be OVER! He said, no he wanted intimacy...lol

Finally on New Years Eve He tried to kiss me. I laughed and pushed him away. I spent the night...not knowing he was extremely hurt and mad. But life went on. But things seemed to change a little. He got crabbier.

A few months later he said he was going to go look for someone he could have intimacy with. I laughed and said, Yeah i want a Knight in shining armour to fall thru my roof too. I didn't think he'd really do it.

He joined pof. I was hurt. So hurt, I cried. One night after we had gone for a 5 mile hike. He tried to kiss me. You have to realize, i started hanging out with him after a series of FLOPS on online dating. I mean a LOT of first meets ending in NOTHING. Kisses (if there were any, were AWFUL) So anyway, i thought what the heck. He planted one on me....that whoooooa....best kiss ever. Then later that night at my house, i had cooked for him, he decided to REALLY kiss me and we got pretty heavy. A few days later....sex.

Then i don't know what happened. It was the most passionate love-making i'd ever been in. He said he desired me more than anyone he ever has. We are in our late 50's. He's been married 3 times. But immediately after making love, he said, "Now i know what you mean by crossing boundaries of friendship." He seemed so wierded out! I was baffled. I said, what? do you need some time to think about things? He said, Yes. Lets not talk or txt tomorrow.

You have to realize...we had txted and talked continually for over the last 6 months!!! Multiple times a day. For the next month he did the hot cold thing. Great while we where in bed. Would tell me how much he had desired me all this time. How sexy i was. Great kisser....passionate....etc.

Then the next day he'd go cold. Wouldn't answer my txts etc.

I guess we both changed. He wasn't pursuing anymore....and so then i was the pursuer.

He dumped me this past Sunday. Don't have a clue why. Said he didn't want a relationship. Maybe we could go back to friends. All i know is now i lost my best friend.....and a lover.

Soooo. Sitting here and hurting. Sorry for my long post on YOUR thread. But it is my story that sometimes you think what you want...isn't what you want when you get it! ORRRR....your friend could decide he does miss you, and will take a chance on becoming your lover....and it works out!

Who knows. Back to square one....and it sucks. And hurts. Bad.