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How can I forgive him for disrespecting me?


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Today my boyfriend and i were at the mall and he acted very disrespectful towards me. I had asked him what we were going to eat and he walked towards the shortest line and told me it was obvious that we would at the place with the shortest line. I could already tell from his voice that he was angry, but I wasn't to sure about what, so I said "what?". He turned around to me accused me of being deaf and needing to see a doctor. I asked him why he was being so mean to me so randomly, but he continued to say I was deaf and i was annoying using the word "what" all the time. People standing in line with us noticed so i walked away from him, refusing to let him drive me home. I was hurt and even though I walked out of the mall with my head high knowing I deserved to treated with more respect, I still cried after he left.

 

He apologized a lot and sounded genuine, but for some reason I can't forgive him. In the beginning of our relationship when he argued with me he would text me insults and swear at me. It made me upset and confused because he would never say that stuff to my face. We worked through it because I didnt think much of it. But today it felt so real, he said it was because he was hungry/tired. I still can't find the heart to accept his apology. He is sweet and caring, but it was just so scary to see him like this.

 

How can I forgive him for today?

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You must always remember that people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. You show him now that you will NOT allow him to treat you with disrespect, insult you and swear at you, by ending the relationship. As long as you stay in this relationship, he will continue doing this to you ... because you allow him to. This is part of his make-up and will not change. Find someone who DOES show respect.

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I probably wouldn't have stayed in a relationship with someone who was texting me insults, so I have a hard time suggesting that you stay with someone like that.

 

At the same time, you clearly love this guy. So if you want to be respected and continue this relationship, my best advice is to get yourselves into therapy. Your boyfriend clearly has anger issues that are coming from somewhere. Now we don't know where exactly, but we know he has outbursts, and maybe there's a way to deal with those issues and preserve the positive aspects of your relationship.

 

Now there's a possibility he won't be willing to seek help, and if he isn't going to work on himself, you may need to then cut him loose as a wake-up call.

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We have been together for a year (thought I would add that in)

I don't think that makes any difference. Insulting, disrespecting and swearing at you is still the same thing - be it one week or ten years. I know what I would do because I don't allow people to treat me that way.

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U deserve better hun. Never let a man insult you even if its over something very stupid. It sounds like he's always been an ass hole to u and makes you unhappy. Maybe its time to rethink what you want in a healthy relationship. There are better guys that are respectful and mature. Even if you forgive him this time...it doesn't imply that he will stop.

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If he is like this after only a year of dating, can you imagine how he will be years down the road? He has anger management issues and is rude and disrespectful. Swearing at your significant other is never acceptable, why would you ever think it's ok? He exhibits every sign that he will become emotionally abusive and maybe even physically, every time he's tired, in a bad mood, or things don't go his way. Is this endearing to you?

 

This kind of disrespect is not to be forgiven, you already put up with it for too long. Drop him now, if you want to have a chance to meet a better quality guy.

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I'd leave this guy. As mentioned by some of the other posters here, if your guy is like this now, after only being together for year, can you imagine what he would be like years down the road?

 

You deserve better. I'd bet that even if he begs for your forgiveness now, he'll continue to treat you this way. There's obviously a pattern here.

 

Plus, it seems as though he's always apologizing to you for disrespecting you. It's one thing if he did it once and apologized, but if he continues to disrespect you and apologize, the apology loses meaning. What's the point of apologizing if he continues to do the same thing over and over?

 

I'd move on if I were you. He's shown you his true colours. Walk away and don't look back.

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There was absolutely no need for it. Swearing and insults are bad enough when an argument has escalated into the heat of the moment, but just randomly snapping at you in a food court isn't healthy by any means. He relies heavily on acting first, apologising later. Upsetting you enough to walk out of the mall alone won't be enough for him to 'learn his lesson', as he knows he can use you as a verbal punching bag and grovel later. Walk away for good - easier said than done, I know. I however, have a feeling you'll see even truer colours from him once you've ended the relationship - so that should make it a lot easier.

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I'm not going to excuse his unacceptable behavior, but I might be able to explain it.

 

Questions:

Did he actually want to go to the mall in the first place, or did you "drag" him there?

Is he a go-directly-to-store-buy-product-then-leave-immediately kind of guy, and gets frustrated with the "wandering around aimlessly looking at stuff"?

Was his role at the mall to follow you around, carry shopping bags and drive?

Did he get overly hungry and cranky - had he being trying to go eat for a while, but there were delays of the "oh wait, honey, I just got to look at this woman's clothing store for a while first"

Was it crowded, noisy, horrible, commercialized, over priced and he has no money to buy the things he wants to?

Was there a hockey game on the television that he was missing so he could go to the mall with you?

Was he compromising his ideals by eating at the mall in general?

 

Just some random questions. Sometimes anger is misdirected, maybe he isn't angry at you not understand the shortest line concept, but rather for something else completely.

 

Please note I am not trying to excuse his rudeness, but rather look for reasons why. Unless he is like this all the time, in that case, Run

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Because it sounds as if he's an emotionally abusive person and while he tries to keep that under control stress brings it out. You didn't do anything, but if he was experiencing some form of stress in a completely different area of life his need to throw verbal punches came roaring back to life. I'm sorry, but things are not going to get better no matter how much he apologizes. He's escalated from being emotionally and verbally abusive via texts to now doing it in person. And it will get worse unless he goes and gets some sort of counseling or therapy to find out why he feels a need to use people he says he loves as punching bags verbally.

 

You did the right thing in walking away and refusing to let him do that to you, but you're right to fear it will happen again. You already got him to stop with the texts, so now he's escalated to doing it in public verbally. You know things are going to get worse if you stay and I have to say when it plays out the way you describe this is just a verbal form of hitting you. And sometimes people who abuse you that way escalate further into physical abuse. All I can tell you to do is walk away, because it isn't anything you can or can't do. You're just there for him to take his frustrations out on and it is and will continue to escalate. My advice is you send him on his way and tell him to get therapy for the fact that he gets abusive for no reason.

 

And no, asking a question again when you need someone to clarify something is NOT you being deaf and it's zero reason for anyone to be abusive to you as is pretty much anything that entails you just being there and breathing, which is all it's taking and will continue to take for him to be abusive unless you leave.

 

P.S. a really good book on this type of behavior and what's behind it can be found here: link removed

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Sure he could have been annoyed or hungry or whatever but he has a history of rudeness and disrespect towards her.

 

OP you're probbaly struggling to forgive because what he did was wrong. You don't just forget something like that and move on.

You set the bar for how this will play out. Make it known how wrong it was to treat you that way and you will not tolerate such behavior and then you need to decide at what point do you "tolerate" such behavior or walk away. If you voice yourself again at how upset you are over the situation and make it known that it's not okay and not something you are okay with and let him know the severity of his words and actions it's in his court to think twice about how he interacts with you... But you need to stand your ground and know that sometimes these things don't get better if this is part of who he is and it's at that point you need to decide what you are worth.

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I also would like to add that it probably feels a lot more real to you know, OP, that he is doing these things in public and other people are starting to notice. Before it was between just the two of you, but now he has begun putting you down in front of strangers.

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