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Thread: A New Hope

  1. #1
    Platinum Member meoww's Avatar
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    A New Hope

    This journal is going to be about my fresh start.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member meoww's Avatar
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    My therapist asked me how I'll avoid toxic relationships in the future. She was mostly referring to how a healthy relationship to myself reflects positively in my relationships but I also think it is important to have an idea of what I'm looking for. When it comes to guys, and my expectations or basic guidelines for myself I've come up with a few things. I've probably written something similar before but there might be a few new ideas in here.

    1) Most importantly, a man who loves himself. This obviously can't be gauged right off the bat. My worst relationships have been with people who, despite who they were or what they had, had this unshakable, penetrating dissatisfaction inside them. It eventually makes things unbearable even if things start out okay. That lack of self-love could show up as an inability to relax even in a good situation, being excessively judgmental of themselves and others, and a tendency to stress out overall.
    2) Someone who loves life, I need someone who enjoys entertaining themselves and being entertained.
    3) Who has real empathy
    4) hot
    5) Drive, curiosity but their own brand of it, not some manufactured thing
    6) who is physical. Athletic, affectionate, warm
    7) Someone who is not fragile and defensive. Aware of their flaws (to a certain extent), not afraid of being uncomfortable, able to take blame and leave things be, not dramatic.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member meoww's Avatar
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    I think I'm learning to trust again. Not blindly, just learning how to actually lean on people when I need them. I used to go into therapy worrying about the therapist's level of expertise, intellect, and so many other things. It's strange in a way, that I had such little faith in their training, when they decided to devote their lives to understanding people. I thought that you could judge a therapist's effectiveness by like, their lifestyle choices, their hobbies, how articulate I might perceive them to be. One of the most healing things for me was just giving my burden to someone else and telling them directly that I can't carry it alone. Not caring in the least who they were as people in their real lives.

    So I wonder if a lot of other survivors feel the same way. Like, since the level of abuse you were subjected to was so intense, you really only trust others who I have experienced it. First I found my community of survivors, and then I marinated in there for a while. Slowly it started to sink in just how not alone I was.

    Then therapy was actually effective for the first time in my life.

    I was like, this is kind of like a massage, but for my soul. A pretty expensive one but meh. People get their nails done, I get my soul done. I'm an adult and this is both a luxury and a necessity.

    So, when I need someone to understand me, I can connect with the thousands (and millions) of survivors out there.
    When I want someone to carry my burden, when I just need a purpose, and someone committed to my health and healing, then I have my therapist. That's really all I ask from her, even though in the beginning I think I expected to be able to be needier.

    Suddenly I just became stronger. That's when I realized it was working, I didn't come out of there thinking that an hour was too short, and that it didn't help.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member meoww's Avatar
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    "Analysis leads to paralysis"

    Wise words to live by for me for the next while. So close but still not there.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member meoww's Avatar
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    My therapist attempted the 'empty chair technique' with me and I didn't realize it at the time, but I was definitely resisting it. The point of the exercise is that you're supposed to confront your parents about how they didn't meet your needs in a particular situation, for example, maybe a child felt abandoned after one of their parents had to relocate for work for a few years, etc. So I kept being like, okay, I'll just do it, but I kind of disliked the exercise as well-intentioned as it was, and I was drawing a blank when it came to actually having something to say. I honestly couldn't think of many concrete situations or examples where I felt wounded or rejected by them as a child. It's hard to be disappointed or hurt by people who scare you, disgust you, intimidate, threaten, coerce, scream, hit, slap, and control you, even if you're aware they are your parents. Why should I even know how it feels to be abandoned when I was never loved? How can people like them who that perverted, debased and cold, fail to meet my expectations where I have never been allowed to have any?

    I don't think I could feel an familial bond with someone I don't respect and I don't respect my parents. I wish, in a way, that someone would be like, yeah, they should die for what they did to you and their other 3 children. Isn't taking 4 lives enough to establish that someone is, in fact, a terrible human being that deserves no leniency?

    it doesn't feel right to pretend that we have a bond and that they hurt me deeply through any specific action when their whole lives they have been a huge, disturbing disappointment, burden and source of shame for me.

    But the reason I realized I was being silly was because in the end, it was JUST AN EMPTY CHAIR with a teddy bear on it.

    I thought at the time, the zero tolerance for abuse principle was more important that the fact that it is just a chair, in a private room, with a trained professional. My soul isn't going to swallowed up just because I do what she's asking me to do. It doesn't mean that somehow the abuse gets erased because I have to act like I needed them in certain situations.

    So I want to remind myself that it doesn't matter. It is more important for me comply with all the terms of my treatment as long as it doesn't injure me or undermine my progress. I need to allow someone else to control the situation. In my life, I have never been able to depend on anyone and now I'm paying a therapist so that I actually do have someone to depend on.

    Therapy has become effective for me because I let go of my need to feel overwhelmed every time I felt misunderstood or I was feeling like it took a while for people get on the same page as me. My therapist has given me a lot more clarity and insight and it has definitely been worth the money. She is teaching me, in some ways, how to listen so that I can understand things more positively, or catch details I might have missed.

    So I need to let go. It gets easier each day:

    I don't know what other people are thinking in the slightest, and I am way happier

    I don't think too much, to put it simply

    I'm trying to change my tendency to be really inaccurate in the way that I describe situations, hard to explain....

    I trust myself first, so it becomes easier, in a way, to consider other opinions and be patient and not feel panicked when someone is not up to speed

    In my head I often imagine or describe myself far worse off than I actually am, so that I feel better when I accomplish things, hard to explain this one. Before I had super high expectations but now I try to be very honest, or make things seem worse because it makes me look better lol i am not doing a good job of explaining this.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member meoww's Avatar
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    Revenge might not be on my mind these days, but the overwhelming desire for justice is still a paralyzingly obsession.

    I have another appointment in 2 weeks, and I don't want to forget to discuss the anger I feel. I feel such an intense rage when my abuse is minimized by other people. It actually might be the most distracting and destructive emotion for me. It's even more frustrating because I know I'm not supposed to show it so I have to deal with it alone.

    It's an outrage to me that my abuser could spend so much energy into hurting me but there is no way to get justice for it.

    Yet trying to explain what it is like to grow up with and live with someone who abuses you almost every time they speak to you, predictably violent, yet mercurial at the same, playing ever shifting mind games with you and violating your peace of mind is such a heavy burden.

    So I continue to feel like no one has paid their respects to me for enduring what almost no person in the world could endure without turning into a monster.

    Although my therapist said she was surprised I hadn't been in jail Hahahaha
    So maybe she understands me more than I'm giving her credit for.

    I have a tendency to give up really quickly when it comes to explaining it. I get frustrated really quickly if someone doesn't get how unbearable and undeserved it was. But I have to just keep chipping away at the world until things take the shape I want!

  8. #7
    Platinum Member meoww's Avatar
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    If I'm strong enough, I can speak candidly to almost anyone about being abused. Although it still creeps me out that I can only talk about it if I don't actually need anyone's support. If I'm weak and fragile I'd be viewed as a lunatic. That's always going to rub me the wrong way isn't it? I need to accept that and set my truth free. The world is definitely not perfect. People still have a long way to go.

    I'm going to keep chipping away at people's defenses, I'm not going to give up.

    In the long run, even the most skeptical audiences can be won over.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member meoww's Avatar
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    I wasn't capable of receiving support until I started fulfilling my true desires. I needed to get what my heart wanted to feel like I was worth fixing.

    Now I kind of love getting help from people, everyone has something to offer. My therapist is so smart and well informed ...it makes me feel so glad that I was able to open my eyes to her wisdom.

    Beauty and love, basically. I feel like at my core that is the fuel I run on.

    Therapy suddenly just became something I never thought it would be after so many failed attempts in the past.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member meoww's Avatar
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    I think my mother made me afraid that the world was as dark as she was, but away from everything I have ever known, I've found such a light that I only used to fantasize about.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member meoww's Avatar
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    At this very moment, beginning to see beyond the injustice. That there is a me beyond this! Beyond the need to get confirmation and validation from the world world that they "really get it." I am so much more than that, and I have been selling myself short. I am literally so much more than that.

    It's actually amazing. It's now possible for me to have an identity beyond it.

    I have my interests, the way I look, the way I think and speak.

    I'm surrounded by so many people too. It feels good, just to be able to say and do the most mundane things and not have to read into it and constantly worry I might get hurt.

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