A New Hope

This journal is going to be about my fresh start.

My therapist asked me how I'll avoid toxic relationships in the future. She was mostly referring to how a healthy relationship to myself reflects positively in my relationships but I also think it is important to have an idea of what I'm looking for. When it comes to guys, and my expectations or basic guidelines for myself I've come up with a few things. I've probably written something similar before but there might be a few new ideas in here.

1) Most importantly, a man who loves himself. This obviously can't be gauged right off the bat. My worst relationships have been with people who, despite who they were or what they had, had this unshakable, penetrating dissatisfaction inside them. It eventually makes things unbearable even if things start out okay. That lack of self-love could show up as an inability to relax even in a good situation, being excessively judgmental of themselves and others, and a tendency to stress out overall.

2) Someone who loves life, I need someone who enjoys entertaining themselves and being entertained.

3) Who has real empathy

4) hot

5) Drive, curiosity but their own brand of it, not some manufactured thing

6) who is physical. Athletic, affectionate, warm

7) Someone who is not fragile and defensive. Aware of their flaws (to a certain extent), not afraid of being uncomfortable, able to take blame and leave things be, not dramatic.

I think I'm learning to trust again. Not blindly, just learning how to actually lean on people when I need them. I used to go into therapy worrying about the therapist's level of expertise, intellect, and so many other things. It's strange in a way, that I had such little faith in their training, when they decided to devote their lives to understanding people. I thought that you could judge a therapist's effectiveness by like, their lifestyle choices, their hobbies, how articulate I might perceive them to be. One of the most healing things for me was just giving my burden to someone else and telling them directly that I can't carry it alone. Not caring in the least who they were as people in their real lives.

So I wonder if a lot of other survivors feel the same way. Like, since the level of abuse you were subjected to was so intense, you really only trust others who I have experienced it. First I found my community of survivors, and then I marinated in there for a while. Slowly it started to sink in just how not alone I was.

Then therapy was actually effective for the first time in my life.

I was like, this is kind of like a massage, but for my soul. A pretty expensive one but meh. People get their nails done, I get my soul done. I'm an adult and this is both a luxury and a necessity.

So, when I need someone to understand me, I can connect with the thousands (and millions) of survivors out there.

When I want someone to carry my burden, when I just need a purpose, and someone committed to my health and healing, then I have my therapist. That's really all I ask from her, even though in the beginning I think I expected to be able to be needier.

Suddenly I just became stronger. That's when I realized it was working, I didn't come out of there thinking that an hour was too short, and that it didn't help.

"Analysis leads to paralysis"

Wise words to live by for me for the next while. So close but still not there.

My therapist attempted the 'empty chair technique' with me and I didn't realize it at the time, but I was definitely resisting it. The point of the exercise is that you're supposed to confront your parents about how they didn't meet your needs in a particular situation, for example, maybe a child felt abandoned after one of their parents had to relocate for work for a few years, etc. So I kept being like, okay, I'll just do it, but I kind of disliked the exercise as well-intentioned as it was, and I was drawing a blank when it came to actually having something to say. I honestly couldn't think of many concrete situations or examples where I felt wounded or rejected by them as a child. It's hard to be disappointed or hurt by people who scare you, disgust you, intimidate, threaten, coerce, scream, hit, slap, and control you, even if you're aware they are your parents. Why should I even know how it feels to be abandoned when I was never loved? How can people like them who that perverted, debased and cold, fail to meet my expectations where I have never been allowed to have any?

I don't think I could feel an familial bond with someone I don't respect and I don't respect my parents. I wish, in a way, that someone would be like, yeah, they should die for what they did to you and their other 3 children. Isn't taking 4 lives enough to establish that someone is, in fact, a terrible human being that deserves no leniency?

it doesn't feel right to pretend that we have a bond and that they hurt me deeply through any specific action when their whole lives they have been a huge, disturbing disappointment, burden and source of shame for me.

But the reason I realized I was being silly was because in the end, it was JUST AN EMPTY CHAIR with a teddy bear on it.

I thought at the time, the zero tolerance for abuse principle was more important that the fact that it is just a chair, in a private room, with a trained professional. My soul isn't going to swallowed up just because I do what she's asking me to do. It doesn't mean that somehow the abuse gets erased because I have to act like I needed them in certain situations.

So I want to remind myself that it doesn't matter. It is more important for me comply with all the terms of my treatment as long as it doesn't injure me or undermine my progress. I need to allow someone else to control the situation. In my life, I have never been able to depend on anyone and now I'm paying a therapist so that I actually do have someone to depend on.

Therapy has become effective for me because I let go of my need to feel overwhelmed every time I felt misunderstood or I was feeling like it took a while for people get on the same page as me. My therapist has given me a lot more clarity and insight and it has definitely been worth the money. She is teaching me, in some ways, how to listen so that I can understand things more positively, or catch details I might have missed.

So I need to let go. It gets easier each day:

I don't know what other people are thinking in the slightest, and I am way happier

I don't think too much, to put it simply

I'm trying to change my tendency to be really inaccurate in the way that I describe situations, hard to explain....

I trust myself first, so it becomes easier, in a way, to consider other opinions and be patient and not feel panicked when someone is not up to speed

In my head I often imagine or describe myself far worse off than I actually am, so that I feel better when I accomplish things, hard to explain this one. Before I had super high expectations but now I try to be very honest, or make things seem worse because it makes me look better lol i am not doing a good job of explaining this.

Revenge might not be on my mind these days, but the overwhelming desire for justice is still a paralyzingly obsession.

I have another appointment in 2 weeks, and I don't want to forget to discuss the anger I feel. I feel such an intense rage when my abuse is minimized by other people. It actually might be the most distracting and destructive emotion for me. It's even more frustrating because I know I'm not supposed to show it so I have to deal with it alone.

It's an outrage to me that my abuser could spend so much energy into hurting me but there is no way to get justice for it.

Yet trying to explain what it is like to grow up with and live with someone who abuses you almost every time they speak to you, predictably violent, yet mercurial at the same, playing ever shifting mind games with you and violating your peace of mind is such a heavy burden.

So I continue to feel like no one has paid their respects to me for enduring what almost no person in the world could endure without turning into a monster.

Although my therapist said she was surprised I hadn't been in jail Hahahaha

So maybe she understands me more than I'm giving her credit for.

I have a tendency to give up really quickly when it comes to explaining it. I get frustrated really quickly if someone doesn't get how unbearable and undeserved it was. But I have to just keep chipping away at the world until things take the shape I want!

If I'm strong enough, I can speak candidly to almost anyone about being abused. Although it still creeps me out that I can only talk about it if I don't actually need anyone's support. If I'm weak and fragile I'd be viewed as a lunatic. That's always going to rub me the wrong way isn't it? I need to accept that and set my truth free. The world is definitely not perfect. People still have a long way to go.

I'm going to keep chipping away at people's defenses, I'm not going to give up.

In the long run, even the most skeptical audiences can be won over.

I wasn't capable of receiving support until I started fulfilling my true desires. I needed to get what my heart wanted to feel like I was worth fixing.

Now I kind of love getting help from people, everyone has something to offer. My therapist is so smart and well informed ...it makes me feel so glad that I was able to open my eyes to her wisdom.

Beauty and love, basically. I feel like at my core that is the fuel I run on.

Therapy suddenly just became something I never thought it would be after so many failed attempts in the past.

I think my mother made me afraid that the world was as dark as she was, but away from everything I have ever known, I've found such a light that I only used to fantasize about.

At this very moment, beginning to see beyond the injustice. That there is a me beyond this! Beyond the need to get confirmation and validation from the world world that they "really get it." I am so much more than that, and I have been selling myself short. I am literally so much more than that.

It's actually amazing. It's now possible for me to have an identity beyond it.

I have my interests, the way I look, the way I think and speak.

I'm surrounded by so many people too. It feels good, just to be able to say and do the most mundane things and not have to read into it and constantly worry I might get hurt.

A bit of negativity but I need to real talk this out.

Modern family has one of these episodes too, and the only episode of Chelsea lately that I've ever seen, there's this scene that reminds me so much of certain ppl in my life and especially my mothers social circle

There's this guy and everyone thinks he's a lame but then they realize he's friends with Charlize Theron and suddenly everyone wants to be around him

In that there is actually no rational reason for social exclusion a lot of the time

And it is totally possible for there to be groups of bitter weird people who have no idea that they way think is different from other ppl

And those weird groups come in so many different forms. Within their group, they hold different ideologies and are intolerant of any differences

So much of life can be like this, it's so exhausting because while I admit to being shallow about enjoying being around attractive ppl I just think it's worse to discriminate for no reason whatsoever

Or even on the basis of jealousy

Like there is always a group of plain women who refuse to let any attractive women be part of their group, I see that all the time.

Which makes sense but they shouldn't pretend they are any less meta competitive than any other group.

I literally don't understand how some ppl have no self awareness of this...and will try to perpetuate what they wish was true in groups, as if it makes the fantasy any more true just because there are more ppl drinking the weird koolaid.

I can't stand middle aged people from that country for these reasons...seriously they have such a warped, insular view of what they think is life basically, how can they even stand to bs alive, it's really that bad. The only thing that comforts me is that I don't have suffer actually being like them.

I just feel guilty criticizing them because they are so prideful and defensive,

Yeah I guess the only thing I can do is to create emotional distance. I thought before that all places were equal, which in spirit they are, but when it comes to actual, concrete things like government, environment, laws, obviously that's not true.

So I'm going to work on that emotional distance thing. So in the world there are countries with governments so weak and corrupt that they can't protect their citizens a lot of time or provide a living wage.

I have to take that baggage from at least part of my identity coming from a place in the world that isn't very positive, especially in my eyes.

So far it's really helped to own my feelings instead of deciding that I'm always in the wrong.

So I'm going to do that.

My criticisms are valid

Many, many other people have made the same criticisms

I just happen to know some ppl who are not aware that this is common

So I need to just let it go

I may never be able to prove I'm the right, but that doesn't mean I have to get anxious and worried about certain ignorant comments I might hear. As long as I know that the rest of the world validates me.

3 years of this crap!

Even when I now have so much support and validation about my past, it's like I need to convince even the most mean spirited ppl of things, when it comes to my mother and her dysfunctional "friends". Seriously who the hell cares??? This has been bothering me from the minute I finally realized she was gaslighting me 3 years ago.

I hate how I get pulled into her rain cloud.

I was told I have fat tree trunk legs, white nose hairs, bad skin, a double chin, sagging checks, fat arms, fat shoulders, and who knows what else. Just making a list of the insults so I know to NEVER internalize this crap. Oh and apparently in my 20's, ie. old age according to my abusive mother, my eyesight was rapidly deteriorating because I'm so geriatric.

My advice to child abuse survivors, who are also being scapegoated, mostly tongue in cheek but maybe someone can seriously learn from my "mistakes"

Don't dress too nicely or be attractive (even if you are paying your own way) or your abuser's friends and family might even decide you're spoiled, and won't believe it's remotely possible that your life was terrible and you had to work your way up inch by inch while being attacked every step of the way.

Don't be too overtly social for this reason too. If you have friends and good social life then the abuser's ppl will decide you're a shallow, selfish person who doesn't care about their family. Yaasss just for having friends.

But don't isolate yourself because this means "you were crazy all along" and they "knew" you were always like that.

Don't ever cry (even if it is just once of twice) in front of your abuser's family or friends--this means you're weak and unable to change

Don't ever, ever show that you're angry even once or twice (even if you don't even raise your voice and act respectful) in front your abuser's family and friends---this means YOU are the one to blame in every single possible way.

Don't even mention being abused because obviously you're just blaming other people and not taking responsibility for yourself and all the "horrible" life decisions made...like getting a 3.7 GPA and loving life

Don't be too articulate--because this means in the abuser's eyes that you're a narcissistic brat who alienates others

Don't ever display symptoms of situational depression, ie, being happy and functional away from the abusive environment but struggling at home because again this is your own problem, either you're a selfish brat who is an abuser or you're lying about being well liked everyone knows that no one likes you because

you're lazy, pretentious, selfish, unlikeable, shallow, weird, judgmental, immature, angry, spoiled, unforgiving, ungrateful, entitled, and the best one is that I'm not self aware of all these horrible negative things about me which is why I continue to perpetuate my suffering.

And suddenly the past is erased

And you were a horrible rebellious child who no one liked

A horrible selfish teenager who required constant supervision

A massive failure and insane adult

Wow...

It's soooooooooo frustrating and annoying that I'm still suffering so much when I'm "winning" the war against my abusers, I'm not sworn to secrecy anymore because I don't need their money.

I'm getting so fed up. I feel like a cat chasing around two little dirty rats.

The way I complain on here and obsess it seems like I'm really struggling, this is definitely more than I'm capable of handling without it affecting my well being.

I can play life on easy mode compared to them so seriously what is happening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is my problem?

Like why do I not feel satisfied?

People get tortured, bullied, beaten and imprisoned and they don't expect an apology from the whole world. They don't expect their struggled to be recognized.

You know where I'm continuing to be stuck, over and over again?

My deepest wish is for my parents, and a select few of their family members and employees could somehow be held responsible for harassing me.

I don't know why I am so obsessed with that, literally obsessed.

Even when I know it doesn't matter!!!!!

Can't I just force myself not to care?

There has got to be a way.

I mean seriously, at this point

I think it would be extremely easy to prove because I know almost every nook and cranny of my abuse. I literally have a way to disarm almost everything abusive thing they did to me.

So I'm stuck in this hellish limbo not knowing what to do

My body is like fight for your rights girl, this isn't right

But my "healthy" side is like seriously it's going to be fine

You will never see these people in this life or the next

So enjoy the life you have, you finally have what you want.

Stop chasing the rats....

My counter argument to that is this:

Even the worst offenders like baby rapists have usually been abused in their past to the point that they aren't like normal people anymore.

No matter how much an abuser makes you suffer, and even tries to erase the evidence at the crime scene, and continues to commit the same crime over and over, often not getting caught and becoming more sophisticated in their cover ups, you shouldn't write them off. You wouldn't judge a toddler for not being able to write.

It's just confusing because toddlers don't pretend to be adults, they just toddle. The pretending and attacking, is that all part of the sickness? They can't improve anything about themselves except the ability to lie an fact like a victim? That seems way too selective to not be conscious.

They hide in their little corners of the world because it's obvious to many people that something is wrong with them. If they hide they feel like they don't have to face reality. That's another reason they didn't want me to leave the fold.

They can't escape their seedy past because sooner or later people start realizing the words don't add up.

Even if abusers consciously decide to carry out acts of evil, what difference does it make to carry out even lawful justice anyway?

I'm scared....I used to be scared of humiliating them but think I'm afraid of more than just that. I'm afraid of the consequences of their bad decisions. Onto something here...

I think I can find a way to combine my two positions--I keep going between two extremes and it's really stressing me out. I need to moderate my thinking.

I really believe I have a duty to be a good person, I know from experience the more tolerant I am, the happier I feel.

I think in my heart I believe that even the most horrific criminals must be treated with love and compassion, even if our egos fight against it, their actions can't be condoned or tolerated but as people there must always be an open door toward unconditional positive regard. It's possible to forgive anything, even if you can't completely forgive to the point that you give someone a clean slate.

Immoral actions can't just be washed away, forgotten or repressed. It always affects the person who perpetrates those actions. Punishment isn't effective, the only thing that truly affects others is guilt. If a person truly doesn't feel guilt, then literally nothing can be done for them.

If it is even possible for ppl to not feel guilt then there is no point in being stressed out about it.

But I have a duty to try to be somewhat helpful toward those who are weaker than me, even if they gossip bitterly about me, hurt me unimaginable ways.

I don't have to sacrifice my own welfare to care for unhappy people but I can deal with them in a way that is just. Justice for the guilty ensures the rights of the innocent.

this reminds me of reign, so embarrassing, where bash is like, when you kill a man, be sure they 100% deserve it, because otherwise you'll spend the rest if your life regretting if and you'll never get that piece of your soul back.

If you're a normal person, you have to be a really strong person who exercises basically perfect judgment to live without guilt...and I guess I never thought about how so many people have blood on their hands, directly and indirectly it's common knowledge, we all do to the point that we just blank it out because we know we can't save everyone.

I wonder what it is like be like Obama and know you're responsible for the life and death of so many people. How do you live with that? Knowing you'll make mistakes and survive but other won't?

Life isn't as cheap as it was in past but I guess we're all still living with our highly questionable senses of characters all the time.

What about a person who goes through life, never giving to charity, never going out of their way for a friend, providing for their family but always slightly emotionally distant, only traveling as an outsider and tourist, and then they just live their lives, never doing anything "bad" on paper, but nothing good either?

How are they any better than abused children who grow up to be abusive mothers or baby rapists? Maybe the baby rapist showed more affection to the child than the other person did to their own kids? People are so screwed up like that sometimes.

Sometimes what is just, doesn't contribute to a better world. When someone murders your kid, you pretty much have a right to murder right back, but living with the guilt isn't worth it.

American morality gives me a free pass, it's socially acceptable these days to never forgive my abusers and just act like they don't exist, and live a free life. But the reality is that you don't have to commit a crime in the eyes of the law to be a bad person. Laws are not the last word on morality.

Every battered woman knows this, they stay until the balance tips too far in favor of leaving. Even if they know every instance of abuse is morally wrong and unlawful, they see the humanity in their abuser and that is typical.

So it seem unnecessary to traumatize myself by making it out to be this scary thing:

Driving a car carries a risk of death

So does sun exposure

We play down the risks of so many of the things we do in life

Play up the self righteous indignation we feel at the "bad" people of the world, when they are complicated and

The way we act influences the outcome of these bad people

Maybe it's true that left alone, they get worse, more out of control and more prone to doing evil

But they should just be kept in check somehow, contained with compassion

The more emotionally charged the situation is:

Victim blaming nor offender shaming is the answer

Victims aren't responsible for the abuser's problems, but they can be taught to protect themselves

Offenders usually have an issue that needs attention, they don't need to be coddled but they need to get help

Sociopaths, if they actually exist, are unable to feel emotion so they should learn to manage it, I'm sure many of them live under the radar

I can often physically feel the stress of emotional dishonesty, and its effects on my own decision making and thoughts. I see various degrees of severity in this when I observe other people too.

Sometimes I'm really dumb because I'll literally be like, "you're first impressions of people are always so right!" to a person that I actually think isn't that all that accurate a lot of the time. Why do I do stupid stuff like that? Like why the hell would I say that!

So anyway, my righteous indignation at my abusers feels so painful. I know no amount of recognition could make the past different or make the pain heal.

There is no justice for horrific crimes against humanity and individuals. I mean, I still think they should serve jail time and I will try to help other victims get their justice in that way...oh right.

Oops. Haha I'm still learning

That's the thing, my therapist is making me realize that it's kind of easy to prove they were abusive...if a mental help professional can see it then why not a court?

I think it's too late to sue them but I could at least look into something

Seriously I have to "come out of the closet" to my abuser's friends and fam. This is the one thing I have even avoiding for 3 years and it's making me miserable.

This is horrible, the truth is that I physically can't lie and pretend it didn't happen....well not to the people who betrayed me. I feel justified in saying my parents are dead so I get sympathy from new friends who might not understand my abuse

I guess I have to do what I'm most afraid of.

Ahhhh Ive been fighting it for so long and trying to talk myself out of it

But I literally have no other choice

My body is literally forcing me to do it

Here goes nothing...

Big weight off my shoulders though.

I did it!!! Okay to be fair it was a bit of a copout. I did my little presentation for my therapist.

I pretty much said most of the things I've been too afraid to say.

I had everything somewhat well organized:

Emails, highlighted, physical evidence, photos, and videos.

And a general overview of my family history which was about 15 pages long

I feel like I finally validated the part of me who just wanted to be heard.

But now, lol, my therapist has banned me from looking up psych-terminology and abuse related stuff on the internet. Good call, fair play.

In some ways, I wanted there to be fireworks. Part of me is like stop worrying, she knows she's doing, she's trying to help you, so just be a good patient and do what she tells you to do.

First time out of the closet, and I'm definitely not as elated as I was hoping.

Maybe that's why she seemed somewhat cautious. To make sure I didn't get the impression my troubles were all over now.

But for me...l just wanted one day, one hour really, to let that resilient little girl in me get what she wanted for once. To just stop ignoring her and let her speak for herself.

For me, it was the only way I could make her stop obsessively pushing me toward it.

So now I'm supposed to keep a journal, to keep it simple, just talk about my experiences, about my life, just the way it is, not overanalyzing it.

Sounds good to me....I keep having to tell myself these things:

Only I can validate myself

Only I can help myself get better

Only I can force myself to take my therapist's advice

Only I can have inner strength and confidence....

But I'm pretty sure that little girl in me loosened her grip on my life a little bit after today.

Literally like every day I was silent, it was torture for me.